Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder: Talking to Older Kids

Children pick up on their parents’ moods. After the birth of a new baby in the family, older siblings may get worried if they see a parent crying a lot and may wonder why you aren’t spending as much time with them. Rather than try to protect children from your illness, let kids know—especially older children—that you are not feeling well.

You can say something as simple and straightforward as, “You’re right; I have been upset and tired lately. I have not been feeling well.” When their observations are validated, children are less likely to feel frightened or fear that your unhappiness is their fault.

Don’t forget to emphasize that you are getting help and will feel better soon. This way they will know the adults in the family are taking charge and will be all right. And, of course, reinforcing how much you love them, despite not feeling well, goes a long way.

Communication Tips

• Use simple words like sad, tired, cranky and grouchy.
• Reassure your child often that they did not cause the problem, and it is not the baby’s fault.
• Let your child know this illness is not caused by germs. You (or your partner) did not “catch it” from anyone, and your child can’t “catch it” from you.
• Assure your child that you (or your partner) are getting help and will be feeling better soon.
• Let your child know that you may have some good days and some tough days as you recover.
• Ask your child to think of some ways they can help you (or your partner) feel better, such as drawing colorful pictures, snuggling together or singing a favorite song.

Keep children’s lives as normal as possible

Although it may be hard to continue parenting older children as you usually do, try to keep their lives as routine as possible. Enlist the help of your partner and support system to keep your other kids active outside of the home with school activities, etc. The more they can be involved with things making them feel good and the more they can maintain their routine, the less your PMAD will impact them.

Your children might sense you are depressed, and all is not perfect. But, if their lives are the same as usual, they can be happily distracted as you work towards wellness. Work together as a team with your husband, partner and\or support persons to meet your children’s needs.  This is an important parenting principle, and it is even more essential when you are not at your best. Working together with your partner is critical.

Additional Reading

– Can I Catch It Like A Cold? A Story To Help Children Understand a Parent’s Depression by Gretchen Kelbaugh, 2002
– Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry by Bebe Moore Campbell, 2003

*Adapted from Perinatal Depression: Awareness in Action-Making a Difference, Virginia Department of Health