Meeting Our Basic Needs While Grieving

Losing a loved one can be a shattering experience. Everything that was once settled is now unsettled. We may feel like our lives have been turned upside-down, or like everything that once held itself together and made sense in our lives, has now been scattered to the four winds. We may find ourselves feeling lost, disoriented, ill-equipped and unsure about how to engage in the painful process of putting the puzzles pieces of our broken life back together again.

Amid this state of confusion and pain, it can be all-too easy to forget the fundamentals of taking care of our bodies. But when we neglect our physical wellbeing, this in turn makes our grief experience harder to deal with, because if our bodies are struggling, everything else is going to be harder. So, physical self-care is one crucial thing we can do to make our daily experience of grief a little bit less hard as we begin to pick up the pieces.

Stick to the Basics: Food, Touch and Movement

Grief can be overwhelming enough, without the added pressure to achieve some kind of optimal self-care routine, or even just to figure out what that might mean for us right now. To help simplify this, let’s bring our focus back to the very basics – three simple things that we’ve always needed to survive, even since we were tiny infants: food, touch and movement.

As we grew into adults, of course, each of these needs began to take on a wider meaning. The need for food expanded to include all forms of nourishment. The need for touch encompassed all forms of connection. The need for movement grew to include moving through a whole range of different emotions (or e-motions). And everyone is different in terms of how they prefer to meet their basic needs, so it’s important to honor your own unique preferences as you consider how each of these puzzle pieces may fit in your life.

Food/Nourishment

Basic nutrition and hydration come first and foremost in self-care, but it can be difficult to meet this need when our appetite is impacted by grief, as is often the case. Even the process of preparing food may bring up the painful reminders of our loss known as “grief triggers.” To simplify meeting this basic need, we can focus on taking in the most nourishing things (eating some form of protein and drinking water) and give ourselves permission to opt for convenient food options when needed. It’s okay if this doesn’t look like three square meals per day right now. Consider these ideas:

• Eat small, protein-packed snacks throughout the day (peanut butter and crackers, hard-boiled eggs, trail mix, cheese sticks, Greek yogurt and granola, etc.)
• Stash water bottles in strategic locations and take sips throughout the day.

Touch/Connection

Touch is a basic human need, and we may or may not have lost our primary source of touch when our loved one died. Also, everyone is different in terms of their comfort level, needs and preferences around physical touch. We each deserve the self-compassion of planning how to meet our needs for touch in a way we are comfortable with. Here are some ideas:

• Ask for extra hugs from those we trust
• Engage in self-hugs
• Schedule a regular professional therapeutic massage
• Get a facial, manicure and/or pedicure

Connection can also come in many different forms aside from physical touch. We may find a sense of connection in:

• Reading what others have written about their grief experiences (e.g., in books or blogs) and realizing we are not alone in ours.
• Engaging in social activities that are positive distractions, simply enjoying the company of others without needing to talk about or focus on our grief all the time.
• Talking about our loss with a friend or family member who is a compassionate listener and won’t try to “fix it”.
• Trying out individual counseling or grief support groups (see below for options!).

And while connection with others is important, let’s not forget about nurturing connection with ourselves. This will mean different things for different people. It may mean:

• Tuning in to our sensations and inner experiences with mindful awareness.
• Taking notice of the world around us; immersing ourselves in nature.
• Journaling about our grief experience.

Movement/E-Motion

Our emotions need a physical outlet to release tensions and move the stress chemicals out of our bodies. We can use breath, movement and sound to express and release anything we are holding within. Here are some ideas for how to do this:

• Soft belly breathing with audible exhales
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Taking a 15-minute brisk walk around the block
• Doing a few stretches or a full yoga routine
• Engaging in exercise in whatever form we prefer
• Pulling weeds vigorously while verbalizing whatever we may be frustrated about

We’re Here for You: Grief Support Groups at Pine Rest

Know that we at Pine Rest are here for you in your grief journey. We would be honored to come alongside you and your loved ones with some extra support, as you navigate life after loss. We have both individual counseling and group counseling options available for you. Both can help you to feel a little less alone during the isolating experience of grief.

Our grief support groups are offered in a virtual format with different commitment options to fit your availability and unique needs:

• ‘Grieving Together’ Monthly Class: Attend once to try it out. If you find it helpful, we encourage you to keep coming each month. Learn more on our ‘Grieving Together’ class page.
• “Coping with Grief’ Weekly Class: This 3-week class provides a more in-depth learning experience with other mourners. Learn more on our ‘Coping with Grief’ class page.