No One "Wins"

by Randy Flood, M.A.

Anyone with a television set, radio, or newspaper knows that domestic violence became news in June 1994 with the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. As the investigation and trial dragged on, we learned the long history of abuse at the Simpson house-and became more aware that this problem exists in all geographical, socioeconomic, racial, and religious segments of our society.

Once, people viewed violence in the home as a private matter and turned their heads. It was accepted as part of life. The saying "rule of thumb" comes from a law that stated a man could beat his wife with a stick -just so it was no thicker than his thumb. There was a time in our legal system when a man could receive more punishment for beating his horse than for beating his wife.

However, attitudes are changing. More people now believe violence is an unacceptable and abusive means of resolving conflict-be it public or domestic. Violence hurts the bodies and emotions of its victims, their children, and even the offenders.

The statistics are frightening.

• Every five days in Michigan, another woman is killed by her boyfriend or husband.
• More women are injured from domestic violence than from automobile accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
• 1.8 million wives are beaten by their husbands during a year in the United States (this doesn't include non-marital relationships)
• More women were killed by their partners in the U.S. during the time span of the VietNam war than there were soldiers killed in the war.

We want to believe that domestic relationships are a haven from the violence in our society. Yet, women and children are more likely to be victims of violence in their homes than on the streets. We can no longer turn our heads.

Domestic violence is more than a slap or a hit. It is a range of behaviors and attitudes abusive to another person. Domestic violence isn't an isolated incident where tempers just happen to flare. Both offenders and victims try to believe this to avoid having to deal with the problem's enormity. Domestic abuse is a system of tactics the offender uses to control and overpower the partner's thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Offenders seek to dominate and control most aspects of their partner's life. They do so in a dysfunctional attempt to make sure their own needs, interests, and desires will be attended to. Offenders use subtle and sophisticated means to control and dominate their partners. Physical assaults typically are infrequent; offenders use them only to reinforce the power of the other tactics.

The term "domestic abuse" includes all aspects of domestic violence. This article focuses on men as the offenders and women and children as the victims (despite the rare examples of women and children offenders). Research shows this is where the enormous problem exists.

Some of the powerful means of gaining control are isolation, economic abuse, male privilege, emotional abuse, intimidation, and using the children. Some of these tactics are obvious, others are subtle

In isolation, an offender makes it difficult for his partner to gain support from others. He puts down the woman's friends and family. He makes it hard for her to have a job or go to school by making her guilty for leaving-implying she's a bad wife or mother.

Economic abuse is controlling the money to keep his partner dependent on him or to get his own way.

An offender uses male privilege by saying it is his biological or scriptural right to dominate because he is the superior sex. Using his own system of deciding what he believes as fact, he uses scientific "evidence" or biblical "principles" to justify his efforts to control.

Emotional abuse such as name-calling, threats, playing mind games, and making his partner feel bad about herself lowers her self-esteem, making it easier for the offender to overpower her.

Intimidation-such as glaring looks, pounding the table to make a point, throwing or destroying objects, and punching walls-all are ways he sends messages. He wants his partner to know: "you will listen, comply with, and respect my wishes." If women have been abused, they learn to pay attention to these cues. They know verbal or physical abuse is next if they don't submit or apologize.

Men will use the children to control women's behaviors and emotions by making women feel guilty for trying to take care of themselves. If a woman wants to sign up for an aerobics class or have a night out with some of her women friends, her partner may tell her she's a bad mother for leaving the children.

Physical and sexual abuse are simply the most severe tactics offenders use to gain control. In fact, some do so well at the subtle tactics that they rarely have to get physical to maintain the power in the relationship. Women say the relationship is like a prison. They learn to survive by reading the man's moods and anticipating his needs.

People ask, "Why do offenders hurt and abuse the very ones they profess to love?" The answer to what contributes to domestic abuse is based on many variables, both past and present.

While there are more factors coming from our experiences in life than our biology, genetic variables may contribute. People may have an irritable temperament, inherited impulsivity, or personality traits related to aggression. Children raised in the same environment often approach interpersonal conflict differently. Some are born more strong-willed, aggressive, and physical.

Despite biology, both the environments in which offenders were raised and are now living contribute most to their psychology. One predominant factor is childhood family experiences. The laboratory for learning how to conduct intimate relationships is our early family life. That is where we are equipped psychologically and learn how to build and maintain relationships.

Witnessing parents fight causes tremendous feelings of insecurity and anger in children. Parents-who should provide love, security, and respect-are cultivating fear, rage, mistrust, and detachment. They model that conflict in relationships is resolved by dominance, intimidation, and violence. Little boys may identify with the aggressor and girls with the victims. This puts both at risk of repeating the relationship as adults. Children who experience physical abuse or excessively punitive discipline themselves are at risk for domestic violence as adults. As child victims, they feel vulnerable, powerless, and angry. In their adult relationships, men may overcompensate for the feelings they had as children by having an excessive need for control. They "protect" themselves from any more emotional or physical pain by avoiding intimacy and pushing others away by using control tactics.

The home-this laboratory for relationships-is where we learn how to attach to other people. We need relationships, and our early family experiences can dictate how well we attach to others. A family life of neglect or abuse can create problems with connecting to others in our early peer experiences and into adulthood. We may not trust others. We easily become jealous and possessive. We may fear rejection, so punish and reject others first. We may become overly dependent in relationships and control our partner by demanding that he or she is available primarily to us. We may become cold and detached from people. This creates selfishness and a lack of compassion.

Children who come from homes where there has been neglect, abuse, and violence tend to flock together. This is not a conscious choice. It is a process of people gravitating toward others who are like-minded in that they have similar backgrounds, beliefs, attitudes, and interests. Boys' peer experiences can introduce, reinforce, and perpetuate positive attitudes toward abuse and violence. It does the same for oppressive attitudes toward women and rebellious attitudes toward authority. Girls' peer experiences can reinforce the idea that women receive their identity by caring for a man, so it's her job to make him happy.

Strong male training throughout boyhood can lead to domestic abuse. This training teaches little boys to be tough, strong, emotionless, and in control. You are either a winner or a loser, champ or chump, leader or follower. The only emotion acceptable for men to show is anger. So men transform all their emotions-such as sadness, fear, and disappointment-into anger.

Male training teaches men to function in hierarchy; you seek power to avoid the abuses of it. Men are in a constant state of competition. They're vigilant about who's in control. When they experience powerlessness and a lack of control in their life, they often try to regain it in their family life.

The women and children in these families become victimized by the man's drive to be in control. Acting like a man doesn't include compassion and mutuality. The house becomes a climate where the man's needs are met. Everyone "walks on egg shells" to avoid conflict, because the man perceives conflict or differences as a struggle for power. Depending on other factors and on how strong his male training has been, he may use violence to settle the difference or win the argument.

Domestic abuse offenders often have positive attitudes toward violence, male superiority, and power. Violence is an acceptable means to resolve conflict. Men are superior to women. They maintain hostile and degrading attitudes toward women, such as talking about and treating women as sex objects. Women are for men's gratification; they always should be available and not have a life "outside" that hinders accessibility.

Many men with problems in domestic relationships lack social skills. These include conflict resolution, coping, communication, assertion, and other relationship skills necessary for non-abusive and healthy relationships.

Finally, a prominent factor is the lack of responsibility and accountability to themselves and others. When confronted with their attitudes and behaviors, they deny, blame, and minimize to defend themselves. They usually suffer from low self-esteem, therefore, using this strategy to protect themselves. They take no responsibility for problems in relationships. Nothing is ever their fault-it's the victim, the neighbor, or the boss. What the victim describes as a terrifying and degrading experience, the offender describes as a little tiff or no big deal.

These men are born with emotions, sensitivities, and vulnerabilities like everyone else. However, something in their life created a horrible predicament; they are victims of neglect and abuse, but their strong male training hasn't equipped them to deal effectively with that. Consequently, the amount of emotional pain, powerlessness, and fear they inflict on others is proportional to the amount they have deep inside themselves.

How do we help these men and their families?

Some past ways of trying to stop the abuse reinforced the attitude that it is no big deal or is the woman's fault. Women were sent to counseling to get them to learn how not to make men angry. A counselor who addressed the issue from this standpoint re-victimized the woman by ignoring that it is the man who must take responsibility for his actions.

What should we do if we suspect (or know) a family suffering from domestic abuse? Whether you are an abuser, victim, or a witness, contact appropriate counseling and legal services to stop the cycle of violence. Without intervention, the abuse gets worse.

Legally, the laws and police intervention have changed to give women and children more protection and recourse. Women can call 911 to file a complaint and receive immediate help. The state and/or the victim can press charges to hold men accountable for their actions. Women can get restraining orders, which allow police to arrest men for assault, harassment, and stalking. When convicted of domestic assault, men are typically ordered to counseling while on probation. Repeat offenders are jailed and can spend time in prison.

To stop the cycle of abuse, counseling must be specialized, professional, and immediate. The most effective method is for both partners to seek counseling separately first, especially when the abuse has escalated to violence.

Men need counseling at a program that specializes in men's issues and domestic relationships. The best choice usually is group treatment as it is educational and gives men a chance to interact with others experiencing similar difficulties. Individual counseling can substitute for group or prepare men for the group experience.

In treatment, men learn about themselves and why they abuse. Then they can take responsibility for personal change. They learn that abuse is a choice and part of an overall style of relating. They learn alternative ways to cope with stress and resolve conflict. Most importantly, men gain insight into the barriers that prevent them from achieving true intimacy with others for more fulfilling and meaningful relationships.

Women need specialized counseling in which they can begin to build a life where relationships are safe, meaningful, and good for their self-esteem. Counseling focuses on helping them create safety plans for themselves and their children. They learn to set clear limits on the abusive behavior, realizing that no one deserves to be treated in such a way. In addition, women begin to define their own individuality. This empowers them to set up goals for safe and fulfilling relationships with men.

Children exposed to or victimized by domestic violence may need counseling, as well. They typically show behavioral and emotional problems that can be a direct result of abuse. Examples include depression, anxiety, overwhelming fears, nightmares, or problems with acting out aggressively and destructively. Counseling gives children a safe and therapeutic environment to express their feelings and thoughts about domestic abuse issues.

Marital and family counseling can be helpful after each partner has had individual counseling. The couple needs a marital counselor trained at both marital counseling and treatment of domestic abuse. Family counseling should occur only after the adults have successfully worked on their individual issues. Family counseling gives the family a chance to heal damaged spirits, emotions, and relationships.

Chaplains, ministers, and church families can provide healing and support to families suffering from domestic abuse, too. Victims of abuse can have their views of God distorted and their spirituality crippled and dwarfed. Godly people can provide support, understanding, and respite for the abused and accountability and understanding for the offender.

Until both offender and victims seek professional help, the domestic abuse cycle creates pain and emotional harm. Men must learn to deal with their own emotional pain so they can stop inflicting pain on others. Women must learn to stop allowing themselves to be victims. When the abuse stops and both partners begin to heal, they shatter the generational and relational cycle of domestic abuse. The result is more love, intimacy, and fulfillment.

Self-test for Men

These questions will help you decide if you might be an abusive male in domestic relationships. While the questions refer to your partner, you can apply the same questions to your relationship with your children to see if you might be an abusive parent. Answer true or false.

• I need to be in control and have dominance or power over my partner.
• I have difficulty trusting my partner.
• I secretly find myself afraid or lonely when my partner is gone at times when she is normally available.
• I have a hard time walking away from an argument with my partner. I want to settle it by winning.
• I intimidate my partner with words, looks, gestures, or by destroying property.
• I find it difficult to show my emotions (except anger) because I'm afraid others will see me as weak.
• When I'm angry, I call my partner degrading names.
• I believe men are superior to women and that women should be available to please or take care of men. The woman's place is in the home.
• I find myself easily jealous of my partner's time and attention.
• The intimacy of family life is difficult for me. To avoid it, I use tactics like I work a lot, watch a lot of sports, use pornography, or cheat on my partner.
• As a child, I received excessive punishment and/or witnessed my parents fighting.
• I find myself manipulating outside relationships, information, and circumstances to control my partner's mind and behavior.
• I have pushed, grabbed, hit, or kicked my partner.
• I have used Scripture or scientific evidence to justify my dominance, power, and controlling ways.
• I get angry when my partner won't have sex with me.

If you recognized yourself in some of these questions, you may want to talk to a professional. Under "Counseling Services" in the yellow pages index is a list of headings that will direct you. If you live in West Michigan and would like information or a counseling appointment, please call:

• Randy Flood, M.A., and/or the Men's Program on Domestic Relationships (616) 281-6311.

Self-test for Women

These questions will help you decide if you might be in an abusive domestic relationships. Answer true or false.

• I find myself reading my partner's moods and anticipating his needs to avoid abuse.
• I feel isolated from friends and family.
• I feel I can't pursue my dreams of work, school, or other interests because it would upset my partner.
• My partner often makes me feel like I'm a bad mother.
• My partner acts like he's "king of the castle," and I feel like his servant.
• I'm afraid to speak my mind or behave in any way that may contradict my partner's wishes or standards.
• My partner calls me names and makes me feel bad about myself. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
• Everything is always my fault-the fights, money problems, the children's problems, etc.
• I've wanted to leave the relationship, but I'm afraid I can't survive on my own. I'm scared he will take the children or that leaving may put me in more danger of abuse.
• My partner can have times when he's really sweet and kind-especially after a fight. He promises me he'll change, so I don't want to leave because he might.
• I have been pushed, grabbed, slapped, or hit by my partner.

If you recognized yourself in some of these questions, you may want to talk to a professional. If you are in crisis and need shelter, look in the yellow pages under Crisis Intervention Services, Human Services Organizations, or Social Service Organizations. If you live in West Michigan and would like information or a counseling appointment, please call:

• Cathy Kubik, Ed.D., Pine Rest On-Campus Outpatient Services (616) 281-6327
• Rochelle Manor-Bullock, Ph.D., Pine Rest Southwest Clinic (616) 531-3330
• Mary Mingledorff, M.S.W., or Denise Horak, M.S.W., Pine Rest Northwest Clinic (616) 784-5442