SUICIDE: Those Left Behind

by John Rottschafer, Ph.D.

It has been said that the only sure things in life are death and taxes. While some people are able to avoid taxes, we all sooner or later are touched by death, either our own or that of someone close to us. Losing a loved one to a death is not easy. But, losing such a person to voluntary death-to suicide-is even harder.

Death among loved ones calls the survivors to face the loss, experience the grief, and then refocus on life. Survivors of suicide also must do this. In addition, they must deal with the unique personal and social implications of suicide.

The Personal Struggle

The end of life occurs for many reasons related to disease, injury, and age. The natural desire to live reveals itself in that typically people do whatever they can to mend the injury, heal the disease, or ward off age. Yet in suicide, this is not seen; suicide is the voluntary ending of life. That is why suicide is so difficult to understand.

Those who lose loved ones to suicide are drawn into confusion and the many questions that come with it. Perhaps the most haunting question is "Why did he/she do it?" This question expands on a more personal level to questions such as "Was it my fault?" "Did I cause it?" "Could I have stopped it?" "Were things really so bad?" and "How could I have missed it?"

Such questions carry with them a multitude of feelings. The most prominent and damaging is the feeling of guilt. Survivors tend to blame themselves either for causing the suicide or for failing to recognize and stop it. They remove the responsibility for the death from the victim and place it on themselves.

Typically, the closer the relationship between suicide victim and survivors, the more intense the feelings produced within the survivors. This is especially true when a child has a parent who commits suicide. Children are less able than adults to rationalize away self-guilt. They do not yet have the mental ability to explain away the suicide as merely an exterior event beyond their control. They are vulnerable to intense guilt feelings stemming from at least four personal sources.

First, children may think feelings they've had for the parent caused the death. It's not uncommon for angry children to shout at parents, "I hate you! I wish you were dead!" Of course, they don't mean this literally. But when the parent commits suicide, the child might remember what she/he said and assume that caused the parent to commit suicide.

For other children, the suicide of a parent closely follows some parent/child conflict or misbehavior on the part of a child. The conflict or misbehavior may have no connection to the suicide. The parent may not even know of the misbehavior, yet the close relationships between the child's behavior and parent's suicide leads the child to incorrectly assume direct responsibility for the parent's death.

A third source of guilt in children stems from the fact that children are often blamed for a parent's depression or despair. Parents make statements like, "You drive me crazy" or "Everything would be better if you would only behave." When the parent's despair ends in suicide, the child is left to conclude that both the suicide and the despair are his/her fault.

Still other children have been given the task of caring for a suicidal parent. It is their job to keep the parent "happy" and to report any strange behavior. When their unreasonable vigil fails and the parents commits suicide, they may be flooded with intense feelings of guilt and responsibility.

Yet, it is not just children who get caught in this flood of guilt. Adults who lose a child, spouse, friend, or parent to suicide can spend endless hours trying to understand the reasons and trying to separate themselves from the guilt. This task becomes even more difficult when guilt and confusion combine with other feelings such as hurt, anger, fear, and embarrassment. These feelings are common to suicide survivors and relate to the social as well as the personal struggles following suicide.

The Social Struggle

Very few forms of death carry the social stigma that is attached to suicide. This stigma clings to the survivors as well as to the victims of suicide. It has existed for generations as a powerful force. In ancient times, the bodies of suicide victims were desecrated and denied funeral rites. The relatives were ostracized and denied the right to live within the community.

Today, the negative social reaction continues. Suicide is hard to understand, and whatever we don't understand we tend to fear. We develop ideas and theories in an attempt to make sense of the confusion. Among these false theories are the beliefs that the suicide victim must have been mentally ill, that the whole family is likely mentally unstable, and that the survivors must be responsible for what happened since they "drove her/him to it."

Given such beliefs, society tends to judge and withdraw from suicide survivors just when their support and understanding is most needed. Survivors, anticipating and experiencing the negative reaction of society, question themselves and wrestle with inner shame. They question their previous actions, wondering if they had "done the right thing." Self-doubt and guilt increase. In an effort to control the pain and avoid the condemnation, the survivors turn their grief inward and hide it. They try to do too much by themselves. As a result, they abort the necessary process of grief and mourning. The suicide lives on, resurrected day after day within the survivors.

Yet, it doesn't have to be this way. There are steps survivors can take to help themselves cope and grow beyond the suicidal loss of a loved one.

1. Seek out support. It is important survivors not attempt to deal with their loss by themselves. Given the social stigma, shame, and guilt, it is not surprising that many survivors pull inward and withdraw from potential help. Yet, other people must be involved to help the survivors adequately resolve their grief and pain. They provide the vital support, understanding, and comfort necessary to allow the survivors to face their confusion and loss. Friends and relatives can be helpful in this area. In addition, self-help support groups, such as Survivors of Suicide, can provide the invaluable assistance of those who have experienced a similar tragic loss.

Pastors, priests, and other church leaders are also available to convey the special love and concern God has for hurting children. Being a child of God takes on special significance for suicide survivors as they submit their will to God's and accept the peace offered in the Lord's arms. God patiently listens, understanding the hurt, anger, fear, and confusion.

2. Talk. One of the most important things someone can do for a suicide survivor is listen because the survivor must talk. Through talking, the survivor can release a multitude of thoughts, feelings, and questions generated by the suicide. When open communication about the suicide is forbidden, the negative results of the suicide only increase. Honest sharing and patient listening are essential keys for coming to peace with the suicide.

3. Get questions answered. While many of the "why" questions related to the suicide may never be answered, it is important to obtain answers to as many "what" questions as desired. It is valuable to clarify "what" happened "when" so as to limit speculation. Facts are typically easier to deal with than uncertainty and fantasy.

4. Grieve. Every significant loss requires a period of mourning. In this regard, suicide is no different. Yet, frequently the fact of the loss gets hidden behind the mechanism of the loss. Survivors attempt to quickly "put the suicide behind us" so as to avoid the guilt and shame. They repress their grief and ignore their loss. This, however, makes matters worse.

Survivors need the time, understanding, and freedom to grieve their loss. They must work through the normal stages of grief without getting sidetracked by the fact that the loss occurred through suicide. Sharing, support, and patience from others are vital in this process.

5. Pour energy into constructive outlets. The final stage of dealing with grief involves readjusting and refocusing on life and the future. This is an important element also in dealing with suicide. The intense emotions aroused by suicide generate energy that requires some outlet. These energies can be channeled into positive, constructive endeavors that further aid the healing process. While opportunities vary, possibilities include working to establish a local suicide hotline, serving on a mental health advisory board, volunteering at an elderly or child care facility, and reaching out to others who hurt through individual contact or a support group.

6. Continue family traditions and rituals. For survivors of suicide, life will never be the same. Yet it need not be totally different either. As part of the process of healing, family and individual traditions should be respected and maintained. Doing so forms a link from the unsettled present to the more stable past. It helps to provide a sense of continuity in a time of upheaval. It reminds us that life will go on and that life can yet be positive and rewarding.