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by John Rottschafer, Ph.D.
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one da.y. "Does
it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said
the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves
you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you,
then you become Real."
(The Velveteen Rabbit, pp. 5,6)
In her book, The Velveteen Rabbit, Marjorie Williams tells the
story of a stuffed toy rabbit and its quest to become real. It is a story
of childhood, toys, and relationships. But even more, it is a story of
need, love, acceptance, and growth. Parents and grandparents alike may
identify both themselves and their children with the Velveteen Rabbit,
for the struggle of the rabbit is the struggle of children of all ages--to
feel complete, valuable, and special.
Self-Esteem or Selfishness
The notion of children feeling special and valuable may conjure up
for some people the image of spoiled, indulged children. In reality, such
is not the case. It is essential for children to develop a sense of self-esteem
so they can grow into stable, functional adults in today's society. There
is a great difference, however, between self-esteem and selfishness or
pride.
Selfishness and pride typically go together because they generate a picture
of arrogant self-sufficiency. Such an individual, whether adult or child,
presents the message that they are better than others, and as such, need
not be mindful of others. Indeed, their superiority demands that others
follow them and do their bidding or receive their wrath.
Self-esteem, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. It involves self-acceptance,
self-respect, and self-confidence. It is actually an important preliminary
step toward the freedom of selflessness. Only when we have respectfully
accepted ourselves and are secure and confident in our lives can we free
ourselves from our own self-focus. Only then can we truly love others
in an unselfish way.
False Sources
The value of positive self-esteem is clear, both for our children's adult
life and for their current life. Yet, the path toward achieving this sense
of value is sadly distorted by our society's value system. And we, as
parents within this system, frequently adopt and promote the very standards
that lead to frustration and inferiority within our children.
These standards include beauty, intelligence, popularity, achievements
and wealth. All of these appear to be quite positive traits. Yet, they
take on their negative influence when they are elevated to the position
of determining one's worth. At that point, they become discriminatory,
reserving value only for a select minority. When gauged by these standards,
most children are left feeling inadequate and insignificant. Even those
who are able to attain a sense of worth in this way are left to wonder
how much is enough.
As parents, we can't be ignorant of these forces at work in the lives
of our children. They are part of the world we live in. Yet, we must work
to communicate to our children a sense of value and competence that goes
beyond society's standards.
A Better Way
Although we are born with a natural tendency toward selfishness, the ability
to love one's self is either acquired or it fails to exist. Our job as
parents (or other "significant others") is to help our children
grow to accept who they are, to respect themselves enough to improve what
they don't like, and to be confident in their ability to live. Here are
some suggestions that work to promote these goals.
1. Examine your own attitude toward yourself and your child.
Your opinion of your child is of vital importance. In order for your
children to break free from the control of society standards, they must
look (even as we adults must look) to a higher power for a statement of
value and acceptance. For adults, the higher power frequently is God,
though we might also look to our own parents, a mentor, or our pastor.
For children--especially young children--this higher power typically is
their parents, since they represent the closest thing to deity children
can comprehend. Teachers, principals, pastors, and special older relatives
can also hold special influence.
It is the job of parents to act as God's representatives. As such, they
must pass on to their children, in a living and active way, God's message
of value, acceptance and love based on their identity as God's children.
It is essential, then, for parents to have grown to be able to love themselves
and to accept their own position of worth as directed by their deity.
It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, for a parent to lead a child
beyond society's standards if the parent is still entangled in those standards,
struggling to prove himself or herself. You can't pass on what you don't
have inside you to give.
Parents must also examine any potential bias they might hold against
their child. If a child is unplanned, if a child shows the same character
weaknesses as a parent, if a child is at a particularly trying stage,
a parent might tend to devalue the child. Children are perceptive and
will sense this even if it is not openly displayed. I encourage such parents
to write out a list of the child's strengths (yes, every child has strengths)
to help them develop a more positive conception of the child. This list
should be reviewed (and potentially expanded) at least once a day.
2. Respect your child.
We have all heard of (and undoubtedly taught) the importance of a child
respecting his or her parents. For the sake of the child's self-esteem,
it is equally important that parents respect their child. Dr. James Dobson
addresses this in his book, Hide or Seek, when he states:
...I have observed that many children know intuitively that they are
loved by their parents, but they do not believe that they are held in
high esteem by them. These seemingly contradictory attitudes are not
so uncommon in human relationships. A wife can love her alcoholic husband,
for example, yet disrespect him for what he has become. Thus a child
can conclude in his [or her] own mind, "Sure they love me because
I am their child--I can see that I'm important to them--but they are
not proud of me as a person. I'm a disappointment to them. I have let
them down. I didn't turn out like they had hoped."...It is very
easy to convey love and disrespect at the same time. [However]...when
the child is convinced that he [or she] is greatly loved and respected
by his [or her] parents, he [or she] is inclined to accept his [or her]
own worth as a person." (Page 60);
Fortunately, it is not hard to show your children that you respect them.
It does, however, require a decision to do so and a willingness to work
at it. Let me suggest the following ways.
- Actively listen to your children, without interrupting or speaking
for them. Work to understand their message. Even small children have
important things to say.
- Ask for and value your child's opinions and ideas. Don't belittle
or ignore what is given to you.
- Remember what it is to be like a child. Children are able to hear
much more than they can handle emotionally. Children from an early age
can be easily hurt or frightened by what is said about them in their
presence.
- Don't compare siblings. Each child is unique and deserves the right
to live that uniqueness without judgmental comparisons.
- Guard against subtle expressions of embarrassment that tell the child
that he or she is not good enough for your own self-esteem.
3. Develop your child's sense of competence.
Every child is born with different types and levels of potentials and
natural abilities. These basic potentials must be nurtured and groomed,
since they play an important role in children's ability to function in
society and their world. Equally important, however, is that children
believe and have confidence in their abilities. Even a starving man won't
eat food if he doesn't believe it is there.
The parents' job is to help children both develop God-given skills and
abilities and then recognize and respect these as part of themselves.
Without this, children remain frightened, insecure, and unable to see
beyond their own small world. What can a parent do?
- Encourage your children's participation in activities, both at home
and at school. When they attempt something new, relieve their initial
anxiety by staying as close as they want you to be.
- Help your children set realistic goals for themselves. Unrealistic
expectations guarantee failure and a loss of confidence.
- Encourage "I will try" as a replacement for "I can't."
- Praise your child for efforts made as well as for accomplishments.
Reinforce positive personality traits such as kindness, patience, and
generosity.
- Allow your child to help someone. Such behavior builds confidence
and a sense of task-mastery.
4. Teach your child how to fail and forgive. No adult is without error
or weakness.
Children, likewise, are imperfect. In spite of encouragement given, lessons
learned, and skills developed, children fail. And they do so frequently.
It is essential, then, that children learn how to fail. Children must
learn that:
- Failure will occur.
- Failure does not mean defeat.
- Failure opens up new opportunities.
- Failure does not mean I'm bad, useless, worthless, unwanted, unacceptable
or unloved.
Primary in developing the proper attitude toward failure is developing
the ability to forgive. This includes forgiving one's self as well as
other people. Again, parents must first own this ability before they can
successfully teach it to their children. Once parents have grown in this
area and have experienced their own forgiveness, they can best teach this
skill by modeling it.
Children will give their parents ample opportunity to forgive. Yet, the
parent must not only exercise forgiveness toward their child, but also
toward himself or herself. When a child can see a parental mistake that
does not result in the parent attacking himself or herself, the child
begins to learn another dimension of self-acceptance and self-respect.
Helping our children develop a positive sense of self-esteem is an ongoing
project requiring devotion and effort. It does not happen by accident.
Yet, given the benefits it offers the child immediately, and into the
future, it represents an investment in life itself.
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