Becoming All You Were Meant to Be

by Mary Lou Hollis, Ed.D.

When will you become all you were meant to be? That is a question you may have asked at one time or another.

For Mike, 35, this was the first time he had asked himself that question. Mike had always believed that once he had reached 35 he would have no further struggles. He had denied problems, blaming others for what went wrong. He had already been divorced twice. He was feeling isolated and lonely. He questioned who he was and what his future was to be. Finally he was so depressed, he sought counseling for the first time. Through counseling, Mike discovered how he had contributed to his own poor self-esteem.

For Mike, the road back to higher self-esteem will take longer than it might for others since everyone has a different family background and support system. But one thing is true for all of us, becoming all we were meant to be is a life-long process. There are some rocks along the way in the river of life that cause each of us to get "hung up." Some of these problem areas are larger than others and take more time to overcome.

Self-esteem is not static. It is ever-changing. As adults, we have the power of making positive change to promote the development of greater self-esteem.

In Romans 12:2 and II Corinthians 3:18, Paul wrote that we are all in the process of growth or transformation throughout our lives. The basic foundation for your self-esteem was given by God, for you were created in God's own image with worth and value. God freely sacrificed Jesus Christ for you.

Although the foundation for self-esteem was given by God, God has sent others here on earth as helpers to encourage one another (Heb. 10:25), bear burdens for one another (Gal. 6:2), and confess sins to one another (James 5:16). Through this process of listening, sharing, and accepting, you will feel loved by others and consequently also come to love yourself.

If you were raised in a troubled family, you can develop a new family through close friends and loved ones. You can rethink the past views of parents, relatives, or childhood friends that became your view of self. An important take of adulthood is sorting out the possible negative and inaccurate self-perceptions you were taught and replacing them with something more accurate and positive. As an adult, you have the choice of whom you spend time with. If you had received negative self-esteem messages during childhood, you can choose to discontinue surrounding yourself with the same kind of negative messages during adulthood.

To have positive relationships, whether they are marital or with children or friends, first you need to learn how to be your own best friend, to come to love yourself as one would a friend. There are several ways to take care of yourself.

Probably the most obvious is physical. Get adequate sleep and exercise. Eat a nutritious diet. Have physical check-ups. Taking care of yourself physically means not expecting more from your body than is realistic. Taking care of spiritual needs and taking time to be alone are important. Keep time open for free, spontaneous play. Investigate hobbies or other activities you have though would be enjoyable. Nurturing yourself may involve giving yourself a gift. This can be something you bought or something such as taking time to read or taking a class in some area of interest. Becoming involved in a meaningful career where you meet new people, think new thoughts, or help others to grow can also stretch your self-esteem.

What language you use with yourself has a great impact. Are you nurturing yourself or are you constantly being negative? It is important to become aware of words like "I should, ought, must, and have to." Replace them with "I wish, prefer, want, and choose." An example would be: "I should have done a better job" (judgmental, critical statement to self) replaced by "I wish I'd chosen to do the job better" (a non-judgmental, self-responsible statement to self.) Stop saying critical statements to yourself like "I'm so ugly, I can't stand myself." Replacing them with more positive and accurate statements such as " I do like my hands; my fingers are long and slender," helps you develop a more positive image of yourself.

Believing in yourself, knowing you can change is part of being a friend to yourself, as you would believe in someone else who is a friend. You would be encouraging to a friend. You would provide positive words. You would have a positive picture of what that person could become.

Picture yourself on a movie screen doing or being or possessing the qualities you desire. In your imagination, you need to run this "can do" movie over and over daily, ending the scene with the expectation that this quality is now yours. This is the same technique that professional sports people use to help make that perfect shot even more effective than actual practice sessions. What you believe you can do, you will be likely to do.

There are several common expectations or assumptions make by young children that create problems for the development of positive self-esteem for them what they're adults. Ask yourself if you hold these assumptions.

The first assumption for you to explore is that love is something you earn by fulfilling expectations. You must do something to be loved. Thus you put on a masks, becoming something other than what God intended you as a unique person to be. You become a people-pleaser, giving up awareness of your own wants and desires. It is helpful in gaining self-esteem to become aware of your feelings and needs and be able to voice them.   

Another expectation is to be perfect in whatever you do. And if you fall short of that goal, you feel you should be ashamed of or punish yourself. You need to have the right to be wrong and to be able to grow from it. Shaming and punishing do not help your growth.

These common expectations can cause great difficulties in a marriage if either you or you spouse continues to behave according to them. In fact, when you marry, you often re-create what you left behind. It is very important to enter the marriage whole in your own right. Good marriages are built on a foundation of two individuals with high self-esteem.

The relationship can become only as healthy as the two of you entering the marriage. You were not created by God to be alone, but to share and grow with others through friendship or coupleship. Through a friendship or a marriage, you can nurture your own self as well as nurture another's spiritual and psychological growth.

Ways of enhancing self-esteem in marriage are many:

• being able to be a best friend by talking and listening
• being able to share in responsibilities as well as to praise and encourage
• being able to lean on someone, to be dependent during trying times
• being able to encourage each other's growth as a person
• being able to provide acceptance of each other's differences
• being able to enhance each other's sexual identity.

Open communication through disclosing and sharing innermost thoughts and feelings lies at the heart of this nurturing relationship, as it would in any close relationship. It involves the willingness to risk letting another person know intimately who you are. This sharing or yourself with others requires responsibility as well as an honesty to yourself and others. You can attain a greater maturity through a commitment to work out problem areas rather than running from them. Through this type of relationship, whether it is a marriage or a friendships, you can grow in self-esteem beyond any growth you could have had being alone.

Mike's growth in self-esteem was aided by obtaining individual counseling. He could not do it on his own. He had reached the stage where how could not "see the forest for the trees." He had few support systems in his life, and he found himself repeating old patters.

Perhaps you can accomplish your growth in self-esteem by following self-help guides as well as by doing further reading. Being in a support group or being in counseling is helpful for those of you who want interactions and/or direct feedback from others who are also in the process.

For a more meaningful life, self-acceptance is necessary. See it as a priority to become all of what you were meant to be. Oliver Wendall Holmes once stated: "[The] mind stretched to a new level never goes back to its original dimension."