Robert VandePol, M.S.W., as told to Valerie Nanninga Engeltjes,
M.A.
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Today:
The women's movement changed the roles women play both in the home
and in society. How has this affected men?
Vandepol:
It was like we were playing checkers with women, and they switched to
chess without telling us the rules were going to change. There were many
changes in what we could expect from women, and what they expected from
us.
Historically, men have received the same message from society: "You're
worth what you produce. You're worth what you do—especially outside
the home." What we did in the workplace (or in male-dominated hobbies)
was what defined our value in American culture. Home was where we crashed.
To be successful American males, we worked 14-hour days and then went
home to recharge our batteries to make us more effective in the rest of
the world.
As a result of women's changing roles, many men have become more focused
toward home. Today, what we do as a husband and father is just as important
to our identities as what we do outside the home.
It's a mixed blessing. It's rewarding when we do it well, but there's
a lot to learn. It's a difficult transition because we have to juggle
both demands. A man may think, "Now, where do I crash? Not only am
I supposed to be the corporate rising star, but I'm supposed to throw
a lot of effort into marriage and family."
This has a profound impact on marriages. Just a few generations ago,
marriages had more of an economic focus. Husbands had the role of breadwinner.
We weren't involved in parenting—or sometimes—the marriage.
We missed out on a lot. The changes in the last decades have given us
a opportunity to become more like what God created us to have the potential
to be, but they bring heightened expectations and stress.
Today:
How have roles in marriage changed?
Vandepol:
The husband's focus used to be primarily external; that's where he made
the decisions. The wife made decisions in the home. Now there's more of
a team. We both make decisions. There are more husbands deciding about
their kids' preschool and more wives deciding how to invest the family's
money. That's a real mind shift, a blurring and sharing of roles.
In some ways, the old model had efficiency benefits in that it was clear-cut
and understood. We didn't have to negotiate everything. The new model
raises the ceiling for potential simply because two heads working together
are likely to do better than one, but we need to negotiate so much more.
Just when couples have less time together, they're asked to work harder
at deciding who does what because it isn't as delineated as it used to
be. While this is a challenge, having two individuals working together
as a team means a stronger marriage and family.
This teamwork is hard for some men. A lot of men are very dependent on
their wives—although they would never admit it. As boys, they were
raised in families where the father was the breadwinner and the mother
was an extension of her husband—like a right hand—and not a
separate person. When these boys become men and marry, they don't have
the capacity to see their wives as separate people with separate thoughts,
feelings, and locus of control. When a wife in this kind of relationship
thinks independently, the husband feels threatened because it's so foreign
to him. Suddenly he's lost control over his "right hand." Angry,
he becomes controlling and possessive. Ironically, it's his dependence
on his wife that creates this reaction because he can't see an "I-Thou"
relationship. These are the men who are most devastated when their wives
try to become individuals, go to work, or leave them.
Males have been taught to earn respect by accomplishing achievements.
We often translate that into our marriages—which hurts our wives.
While wives respect us for our strengths, they love us for our weaknesses.
We lose out if we "exchange love for respect"—or pursue
respect at the expense of love. While we want to be respected, we also
want to be loved. We just don't dare ask for it or let it happen. If we
recognize the importance of the "I-Thou" relationship and put
effort into our relationships, we'd discover that together, man and woman
and the team they make add up to more than man and woman alone. The extra
effort is an ingredient in itself, and it is vital to a successful marriage.
In other words, one plus one equals three.
Today:
Are you saying that men aren't trained to be vulnerable?
Vandepol:
Men have been held to such a high performance standard that they think:
"Would I still be loved if I wasn't performing?" Their overall
worry is: "Am I doing O.K.?" It's difficult to be vulnerable
when we feel we're constantly being evaluated. We can't let our guard
down.
Interestingly, the men who achieve the most in the world and earn the
most respect are frequently the most concerned about how their wives feel
about them because they don't know. If someone has failed and has been
forgiven or loved anyway, they know. High achievers often don't know if
they're loved or if they're just respected because they do so well.
I can't emphasize enough that men should never retain respect at the
expense of love. So often men try to earn respect in areas that aren't
all that important to women. If I shoot a ten-point buck and go home and
tell my wife about it and expect a standing ovation because that's what
I got from my buddies, her response might be: "So what? The kids
and I really missed you."
Today:
What other issues do men face as a result of society's expectations?
Vandepol:
Isolation. Men are taught to be self-sufficient. I've coached both boys
and girls basketball and soccer teams. Girls grasp the team concept much
more quickly. Boys work on individual skills because they've been trained
to think "I." Girls pass the ball better because they've been
trained to think "we."
Men compare themselves with whoever is directly ahead of them. Typically,
that's been another male. It's easy for other males, then, to be the people
who matter most because males are involved in everything we've been trained
to respect.
Now, as more women are being trained in those areas (as entrepreneurs,
firefighters, police officers, pilots, and CEOs), it's an epiphany for
men. We're learning that women are to be respected. They are people with
their own separate viewpoints—not just another "appliance"
designed to help men function better. While this is a wonderful change,
some men adjust better than others.
I see this in some older couples who may have originally been married
fulfilling the traditional stereotypes, but have gradually adjusted over
the years. The marriages that do well have husbands who are less focused
on trying to impress their wives and more on trying to be a partner with
them. Once again, it's trading a bit of respect by showing our vulnerabilities
so we can be loved more.
Wives can help their husbands do this. If they create an environment
where it's safe for a husband to be human and not superhuman—Clark
Kent and not Superman—it's very liberating for the husbands.
Today:
What are some steps men can take to be better husbands?
Vandepol:
The Bible says, "Husband, love your wife in an understanding way."
It's easy to love in our own personal language. We all have a built-in
arrogance that whatever we do is normal, and if someone else does it differently,
they're odd. It's easy for us to think, "When someone does _______
for me, I feel loved and affirmed" and to assume that's what works
for our wife, too.
However, to love her in an understanding way, we have to learn about
her so we can speak her language. Picture a Japanese man on one side of
the river and a French woman on the other. They're yelling, "I love
you" to each other, but for all they know, they're cursing at each
other. I see couples do that all the time.
For men, perhaps "I love you" means something material or doing
something fun together. For women, perhaps it means a quiet conversation
or complimenting her in front of someone else. To learn to say "I
love you" in the other person's language is important. We can ask
another woman's opinions to understand our wives better. By developing
platonic relationships with women at work, we can learn more about women
and improve our skills, sensitivities, and understanding.
Accountability is an important part of this. Regularly going out with
someone of the opposite sex can be dangerous. If you have a female friend,
keep your wife posted as to what's going on in that relationship so there
are no surprises for her and there's accountability for you. Most men
also find it too easy to do everything with other men. Try to be in groups
of both men and women to find out what issues women face. That knowledge
will help in your relationship with your wife.
One of the best steps men can take to help their marriages is to have
substantive friendships with other men. Men rarely talk to each other
about feelings. Yet most men are starving for it. If we can have meaningful
conversations with each other about something other than work, the stock
market, and football, we do our wives a real favor because we learn some
of those communication and listening skills.
Male friends offer additional accountability. It's important to have
a good friend who says, "How are you doing in your marriage?"
We need someone who's honest enough to affirm us when we're doing well
or kick us if we need it.
Make friends with your wife's friends, too. Look at loving your wife
like a target. If she's the bull's eye, one way to love her is to directly
affirm her. Next, think of the concentric rings, the other systems that
are important to her. You can love your wife by being good to your kids,
her family, her friends, and so on. To value what she values says "I
love you" to her.
Today:
Earlier you said that men used to view their homes as a place to crash.
If that's no longer true, how do men recharge and make time for themselves?
Vandepol:
The pressure for men to earn is higher than ever before. There are expectations
of what to provide your family materially. Competition in the work force
is high. We're also supposed to know all the CNN headlines, keep the car
polished, the lawn mowed, and shoot par on the golf course.
Finding recharge time is part planning and time management and part perception.
You can view an outing with your wife or a day spent supporting your kids'
activities as a duty, or you can reframe it as an opportunity. It can
become something you do for yourself, too. Maybe you can't take the four
hours necessary to play golf, but some of the family activities can be
for you, too.
On Sunday night, get out the calendar and planners and map out the week.
Discuss together how to balance work, household duties, time for us, time
for you, time for me. Doing that proactively works well.
Today:
What is the husband's sexual role in marriage?
Vandepol:
The women's movement has changed women's expectations for a sexual relationship.
A real issue for men is that, like everything else in a man's life, our
performance expectation can take all the fun out of it. Men are concerned
with "How did I do?" according to some contrived scale instead
of "Did I give and receive love?"
A sexual relationship requires a combination of communication, affirmation,
and play. Couples who communicate well, who affirm and compliment each
other, and who play together well, tend to have the best sex lives. Husbands
can do a lot to improve their sexual relationship by spending time with
their wives. "Nonsexual" activities like going for a picnic
or playing tennis together enhance every aspect of their relationship.
One characteristic of couples who describe positive sexual relationships
is non-sexualized touching (a squeeze on the shoulder, caress of the cheek,
pat on the hand). Men, however, are trained to be efficient and get the
job done—which doesn't tend to make wives happy. Men focus on the
end result; women focus on the process. If men can learn to broaden their
definition of a sexual relationship to include affection, affirmation,
helping each other out, listening, letting each other know what you like
and don't like, and cuddling during the afterglow, then—once again—one
plus one equals three. The extra effort we take to understand one another
becomes an additional element in the relationship.
Couples often have trouble because their sex life is contained to exactly
the worst possible times of the day. You're both exhausted after work.
You look awful. You feel awful. You put the kids to bed and you have spit
running down your shoulder and you say, "OK. Let's go make love.
But I have to get up in six hours to face another fourteen-hour day."
Reserve time. Get away. Often a couple can enjoy their sexual relationship
more when they're away from home because the phone doesn't ring and the
house doesn't need to be picked up.
Today:
What is the husband's spiritual role in marriage?
Vandepol:
Marriage should form a ministry team that is more effective than two
individuals. As a member of the family's executive committee, the husband
needs to be concerned about how everyone is doing spiritually—individually,
as a couple, and as a family. If each person takes ultimate responsibility
for that, it's sure to happen.
Husbands must take seriously the spiritual condition of each member in
the home, beginning with themselves. They should ask questions like: "What
do I do to speak the truth in love?" We must pray for each family
member, worship together, and attend church activities.
Nurturing and helping each other grow spiritually is one of the most
loving acts we can do for each other and for our marriages.
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