How to be a Good Enough Father

Roger Sider, M.D.

Today's fathers struggle with how to be good dads. Fathers increasingly want to be good providers and at the same time be meaningfully involved in their children's lives. Because of these competing demands, fathers often feel conflicted and guilty. They struggle to balance the demands of work and family. Fortunately, children don't need perfect fathers. Ordinary ones will do just fine. Dads do not require advanced degrees in fathering. If we pay attention to our children, they will let us know what they need.

Here are some suggestions on how to be a "good enough" dad.

Stay in a healthy, married relationship to your children's mother.
This is your greatest contribution to your children's well-being. By your commitment, love, and respect for your wife, you model healthy adult male/female relationships and provide the stability and emotional security that children crave. This means that time spent with your wife is not time taken away from the kids. It is, rather, time that makes it possible for both mom and dad to be the best possible parents.

For divorced dads, it is more complicated. But even here your relationship with your children's mother is important. Do your best to support her in her parenting role. Don't undermine or criticize her to the children. Keep in communication with her on parenting issues. Divorced fathers have some tough decisions to make regarding priorities. Making regular time to spend with your children is essential. Whatever the custody arrangements, do not make your invitation to your children to spend their time with you an, "if they want to" proposition. You are their father. You need time with them and they with you. Divorced dads may need to consider making sacrifices in career mobility for the sake of their children. A move out of town will increase the risk that your relationship with your children will erode.

Give each child times of undivided attention.
Children need to know that, in addition to being a part of the family, they are seen by their dads as individuals. Whether it's reading a bedtime story, going to McDonalds, or attending a son or daughter's athletic event, some times should be just "Dad and me."

Teach as you go.
Children learn by mimicking what they see their parents do. But dads also need to take daily opportunities to explain why: why we should tell the truth; why kindness to others matters; why we don't take things that belong to others.

Give balanced feedback.
Nothing is more important in shaping how children see themselves as the feedback they receive from parents. Dads need to be conscious of the feedback they give. Remember to give affirmation and approval at least three to five times as often as criticism. Criticism unbalanced by approval undermines self-esteem and builds barriers. Affirmation does not mean approving of what is not praiseworthy. It simply means taking the opportunity to make a positive comment, even if it's just for doing the chores: "Thanks for setting the table tonight, Jon," or "Kelly, I'm glad you remembered to hang up your coat."

Dare to discipline.
Dads have a special role in the discipline of their children. For a variety of reasons—their large size, strength, and deep voice, as well as their tendency to be firm—fathers are seen by children everywhere as powerful and authoritative. Fathers should not shrink from this role. It is essential that both parents agree on the rules, the consequences of infractions, and enforce discipline together. With our children, it was important to my wife that I openly support her role as mother and disciplinarian. That meant my insisting that disrespect toward Mom not be tolerated and that her day-to-day disciplinary decisions be affirmed and reinforced. When we had a disagreement about a disciplinary situation, we dealt with that disagreement between ourselves, not in front of the children, and found a way we could both support. This was not always easy. During our daughter's adolescence, it caused some times of significant stress in our marriage. But the effort was worth it. Everything turned out well, for her and for us.

Provide spiritual leadership.
Regular church attendance with their families is one powerful way dads foster their children's spiritual development. By helping their kids become participating members in a community of faith, fathers give their children a window on the ultimate questions of life: truth, meaning, and purpose. They also give them a multi-generational community within which their spirituality can develop and flourish. Talk with your children about what you believe and why. Pray with them. Show that your faith is integral to the way you live.

Be a dad to the fatherless.
Unfortunately, there are far too many children without fathers today. They, too, need a man to fill the daddy gap in their lives. We can all be on the lookout for a child for whom we might be a crucial adult male friend, mentor and role model.

What the world needs now is a good enough father for every child. Only men need apply. Every man is potentially that person for some child. Who knows—maybe that child is your own.