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Roger Sider, M.D.
Being a dad is not easy these days. The 1950s role model
of father as head of household, sole provider and protector for stay-at-home
mom and the kids has been challenged. Many families now need two incomes.
Moreover, the women's movement has rightfully asserted the appropriateness
of women taking their place alongside men in the workforce and in citizenship.
Add to these changes the increases in cohabitation, out-of-wedlock childbirth,
divorce, remarriage and step-families. In each of these situations, unique
difficulties can get in the way of effective fathering.
No wonder men are perplexed. There is no longer one role-model
for all dads. Each of us has to figure out how to be the best father he
can be, given our particular circumstances.
CHILDREN NEED FATHERS
Amid all the confusion about how to be a dad, however, one
fact is called to our attention: Every child needs a father. Not just
some children, not just some of the time. Every child needs a father —a
caring, committed, involved father —for at least eighteen years,
to have the best opportunity for success in life. Growing up under the
influence of a good dad brings lasting benefits, and is one of life's
great blessings.
The positive influence of a good father begins early. Babies
quickly learn to respond with delight to Dad's vigorous, stimulating play.
By toddler age, little boys begin to identify with their dads, modeling
their behavior and play after them. I remember when our son, at age three,
had a small car he called "Daddy's car" with which he played
constantly.
Little girls, too, respond joyfully to Dad's pleasure in
their developing potential. It is a delight for children to be complimented
by Daddy on the attractive piece of artwork on display at their school.
During these early years, fathers make significant contributions
to their children's identity, self-confidence, relational skills, and
outlook on the world.
The period called "latency," between ages seven
and eleven, is an especially gratifying time to be a dad. At this age,
boys and girls go their separate ways—girls playing with girls, and
boys with the boys. They quickly gain new skills and knowledge—in
sports, academics, hobbies, and in the realm of relationships.
For both boys and girls, this is often an age of relatively
low conflict with parents. For boys, it is a wonderful time for "male
bonding" with dad. These times are usually action-oriented: shooting
hoops, attending sporting events, fishing, camping out, or working together
on a project.
This is an equally important phase of life with dad for
girls. Dad is the one male with whom it is O.K. to be seen, to do activities,
even to love. For this reason, dads should make sure they spend time with
their daughters such as going out for pizza, and including their daughters
in recreational activities.
This is an age when both boys and girls are intensively
learning about the adult world, about men, women, and how the sexes relate.
There is no more influential model than what they see in their own homes—in
the relationship between Mother and Father, and in observing how Mom and
Dad conduct themselves in the world, with neighbors, friends, and the
public.
The benefits of good fathering are especially evident during
adolescence. Teenagers from homes where their fathers live in healthy,
married relationships with their mothers have significant advantages.
Boys raised in stable homes are less likely to engage in destructive or
anti-social behaviors such as dropping out of school, abusing substances,
and delinquency. A recent report on adolescent violence said: "A
major contribution of involved fathers is to teach their children two
key character traits: self control and empathy." Fathers who, along
with mothers, provide consistent, fair, and reasonable discipline for
their adolescent boys will be, on average, more effective than mothers
alone in single-parent families.
In fact, there is evidence that adolescent boys are prone
to reject parental authority when imposed only by a female. It's as if
they are saying, "I'm a man now, and I'm not going to take orders
from a woman." Unfortunately, what sometimes follows is the development
of aggressive and exploitive behavior patterns that end with the boy in
trouble with his community and the law.
For adolescent girls, the presence of an involved, caring
father in the home is especially important in reducing the risk of premature
sexual behavior, promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy.
Good fathers provide their daughters with a model of desirable male trustworthiness
and a safe, secure source of male respect and affection that gives their
daughters greater self-confidence. This makes them less vulnerable to
sexual exploitation. By setting appropriate limits and keeping an eye
on their daughter's friends and activities, fathers help protect them
from risky situations and relationships.
Even in young adulthood, the benefits of good fathers persist.
Having a positive relationship with one's father is a powerful, stabilizing
force in the lives of "twenty-somethings," enabling them to
feel secure, confident, and better able to realize their potential. A
study by sociologist Paul Amato showed that the level of happiness and
satisfaction with life was greater among those young adult men and women
who felt close to their fathers.
Being a good father is more difficult for never-married,
divorced, and step-family dads, especially if primary custody is with
the mother. But in these circumstances, it is doubly important for fathers
to remain invested in their children, maintain vital relationships with
them, support them economically, and keep a positive collaboration with
the child's mother on parenting issues. The bottom line is that for both
men and women, their deepest model of what it means to be a man is their
father. By being the best father we can be for our children, we imprint
on their hearts and minds a life-shaping image they will carry with them
as long as they live.
FATHERING MUST BE LEARNED
Fathers, unlike mothers, do not automatically bond with
their children. The mother-child bond is formed early, as soon as the
mother begins to experience her own bodily changes during pregnancy. With
each passing month, the fetus becomes more and more real to her—a
life intimately connected to hers twenty-four hours a day throughout pregnancy.
The mother's bond with her child is immeasurably strengthened at delivery
and in the first few hours and days after giving birth. By holding her
newborn in her arms, feeding it, and attending to its needs, she intensifies
and cements her already deep attachment to the baby. For this reason,
the vast majority of mothers are strongly motivated to keep their children
with them, protect them, and care for them throughout childhood.
Not so with men. After fertilization, men have no necessary,
vital relationship with either mother or child. Biological fatherhood
by itself does not ensure a strong father-child bond. This means that
unless society strongly encourages and supports a man's commitment to
his children and his children's mother, there is a significant risk that
the father will abandon the mother and his children. This is precisely
the case in the United States today, where almost forty percent of our
children do not live in the same household with their biological fathers.
Because they did not have the role model of a caring, involved
father to emulate, the boys of such families are more likely to be poor
fathers to their own children. In this way, the epidemic of fatherlessness
is transmitted from generation to generation.
REWARDS OF FATHERHOOD
Because being a good dad is potentially so rewarding for
fathers as well as their children, it is sad that so many of today's fathers
miss out. As with any worthwhile endeavor, fathering involves an investment
of time, energy, and passion. The payoff isn't all up-front. But the rewards
begin early. There is perhaps nothing quite so affirming to a father's
manhood as holding his newborn in his arms. To see this miracle of new
life that he and the baby's mother have created together is an elemental
and profound joy.
As our children grow into the preschool years, it is deeply
satisfying to experience their intense pleasure in time spent with Daddy.
They want to be with us, to be like us, and delight in our play with them.
The elementary school years are ulfilling ones for dads, too. As our children
grow in competence and accomplishment, we vicariously enjoy their success.
I remember how pleased my daughter and I both were when the project we
had worked on together won a ribbon at her middle school science fair.
The adolescent years are often difficult for fathers as
well as teenagers. It is painful to experience our children withdrawing
from us, showing less interest in our opinions, and striving to become
different from us. But on a deeper level, our children's adolescent years
also provide us with rewards. We begin to glimpse the promise of the next
generation and are gratified by our part in preparing our children to
adulthood.
As our children mature into young adults, move away and
make homes of their own, the rewards of fatherhood do not stop. We continue
to be enriched by the renewed relationships that we develop with our grown
children, now as adult-to-adult. And when our children have children,
the pleasure of becoming "Grandpa" energizes and renews us.
Finally, becoming a father has the potential to make men
better men. By being invested in their children's well-being, men are
powerfully motivated to work hard and be good providers. They are more
likely to behave well because they realize their children are watching.
Because fathers are concerned for their children's welfare, they will
work to improve their schools, their neighborhoods, and their communities.
Similarly, involved, caring fathers are more likely to take the long view.
They have reason to be concerned about preserving the environment, a healthy
economy, and sound social policies. Because of their children, fathers
have a vital stake in the future.
SUGGESTED READING
- Working Fathers
James A. Levine and Todd L. Pittinsky
- Man Enough
Frank Pittman, M.D.
- Life Without Father
David Popenoe
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