Stages of Marriage

Virginia Proctor, 61, homemaker, and Gene Proctor, 65, Executive Director of D&W Foundation, have been married 45 years. They have six children-Vicky, 44, Elizabeth, 43, Eva, 41, Vernon, 40, Timothy, 37, and Eugene, Jr., 36-19 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren. 

Virginia: Our marriage is very satisfying. We have a very good relationship. We're friends. I feel very secure at this point. I'm happy we were able to stay together all this time. When you reach this age, marriage is a different experience. You think about caring for one another, the feelings of enjoying each other and sharing. 

You look back over the past and what has gone on before. When you're younger, you're not able to spend as much time together because you're so busy and you're raising your children. Now we're past that stage. We can look back and think it went pretty well, and we're not as uptight. We're much easier with each other. There were times when life was rather tense, but now we can see we got through it. The kids turned out OK. It's like going through a war-and when you're victorious, you're thankful you made it through and can enjoy the victory. 

Gene wasn't churched when we were first married. It was something I wanted, but I just didn't make an issue of it because I didn't think that would make things better. I knew he'd have a different perspective of our life together and his influence on the children if he had been a believer at the time, but he wasn't. His commitment to the relationship wasn't as strong. My commitment to the marriage was because of Scripture. If you don't have a relationship with Christ, and only to each other, it's not as binding. There are no standards you have to hold yourselves to. That was one aspect that made it difficult. But when he came to the Lord, we began to share more. We have more of a sharing now than we did when we were first married. 

Gene:  My marriage means everything to me. We've finally reached that station in life where we thoroughly enjoy one another. We can talk openly about that. It's taken several decades for me to express myself. This has been a problem for me. Communication enhances most everything. It's a richer marriage. 

I've been the obstacle in it being delayed. I've never been very good at communication. I regret it when I look at raising my children. I was never a Bill Cosby dad. I was more comfortable working 2-3 jobs so I could provide a Christian education and college education than I was being home as a father. I agonize and pray over the fact that it took me so long to get it. My wife didn't raise six children, she raised seven because of my stubbornness in so many areas.  My contribution to the marriage was to work and provide and let the kids be beneficiaries of my hard work. At that stage my life, I felt my priorities were right. Mom can go to all the basketball games. 

My formal education doesn't go beyond 9th grade. I left home at 14. I used to sit around hobo camps listening to how they made and lost millions and how to survive. I passed on the urgency of education to my children. I gave them the benefit of what I'd learned-a work ethic, how important it was to be thorough and honest. I taught those skills to my kids; I didn't hold them on my knees. 

Virginia has been a Christian as long as I remember. I was unchurched. It wasn't until I was an adult before I had a clue of wanting to be a part of something that made more sense than the lifestyle I was living. It took twenty years of her teaching me how to grow up.