What to Do if One of Your Children is Having Marital Problems
Listen. Give affirmation and support. Clarify if you don't
agree, but don't be punitive in your disagreeing ("If you leave him,
I'll...). If at all possible, take your child's side. Your child needs
to feel the family's support.
Recommend outside help. Be wary of giving advice because if
it doesn't work out, you might be blamed.
Set good boundaries on how much you want to know of the details.
You can say: "I love you. I'm on your side. I want you to be happy.
But I don't want to know the problems between you and ___ because that's
going to unavoidably influence how I feel about ____. It's inappropriate
for me to know that much information. That should be private between
you and ___ , or you should find someone else to tell that to."
What to Do if Your Parents are Having Marital Problems
If, as an adult child, you find it annoying that your parents
fight, let them know. One woman told her father that if during her
visits he became verbally abusive to her or to her mother, she would
leave. At first, sometimes her visits were only two minutes long. She
hated to walk out and leave her mother, but she also was modeling "You
don't have to take this." Her father adapted. He wanted a relationship
with his daughter and wanted her to visit, so he learned to curb his
verbal abuse so she would stay.
Recommend that they seek outside help.
Set good boundaries. You can say: "I love you. I care for you.
I want you to be happy. But I don't want to know the problems between
you and ___ because that's going to unavoidably make me choose to side
with one parent against another. It's inappropriate for me to know that
much information. That should be private between you and ___ , or you
should find someone else to tell that to."
