Marriage Matters: Here's Why

by Roger Sider, M.D.

For most people, a happy marriage is an important personal goal. Ninety percent of us marry and want our marriages to succeed. We want to "live happily ever after." There are good reasons why we want successful marriages. Beyond our own personal happiness, research clearly shows marriage is highly beneficial to the spouses, their children, and the entire community. What we might have assumed before is now being scientifically proven as true.

Married men and women lead healthier lives, mainly due to the social and emotional support marriage provides. They have significantly lower rates of alcoholism and substance abuse, engage in fewer risky behaviors, and tend to have better diets and healthier lifestyles. As a result, they  have less illness and live longer. Mental health, too, is improved. Rates of hospitalization for psychiatric disorders and suicide rates are significantly lower for those whose marriages are intact.

There are two reasons for these health benefits. First is the availability of spousal support, which provides assistance, structure, and security, particularly at times of stress. This is particularly beneficial for men. When men are alone, they often lack this social support. Second is the increased material well-being that enables the purchase of better health care, improved diet and safer living conditions. This is particularly beneficial for women, especially those with children.

In contrast to popular belief, married people have more active and satisfying sex lives. Both married men and women report greater physical and emotional satisfaction with their sex lives than singles or cohabiting couples. More satisfying sex occurs because they're in a committed relationship with an available sexual partner to whom they are already attracted.

Married partners also have more money. This is strikingly evident in that for people approaching retirement, those who are married have per-person wealth four times greater than single or divorced individuals. Marriage increases wealth for several reasons. Often, spouses spread household expenses over two incomes, which results in a higher living standard for both. Also, because spouses divide responsibilities at home, their combined work output is higher and success in the job market greater. Finally, married people are more likely to buy a house and save for their own retirement, activities that ultimately increase their wealth.

Most important are the benefits to children. Children of two-parent, married families are less likely to drop out of high school, have teenage pregnancies, abuse alcohol or drugs, get into trouble with the law, or to be unemployed as young adults. When they themselves marry, they are more likely to have long-lasting, stable unions.

These cumulative benefits of marriage for men, women, and children combine to make a significant improvement in the community and the economy. It provides the foundation for the development of moral character and civic virtue in our children, which builds stronger, more stable, less violent communities.

With all these benefits to marriage and most people's wish to be happily married, it is tragic that so many marriages fail and so many children are reared without married parents. At the present time, 50 percent of marriages in America end in divorce, the highest divorce rate in the Western world. At a national level, more than 25 percent of our children live outside two-parent, married families and 40 percent do not live in the same household as their biological fathers. In most cases, this is because the fathers never were or are no longer married to their children's mother. What statistics do not tell are the heart-wrenching stories these numbers represent. (See sidebar on opposite page.)

In addition to the emotional pain, children of single parent families do worse in many aspects. They are more likely to drop out of high school, have teenage pregnancies, abuse alcohol or drugs, get into trouble with the law, or to be unemployed as young adults. They also are much more likely to be poor. This, in turn, contributes to their difficulties.

Poverty is not the only reason children of single parent families do less well. They move more frequently, which weakens their support network-friends, school, neighborhood. They also, on average, have lower quality relationships with both parents. This is particularly true for the many children whose fathers live elsewhere. These children often have conflicted, distant, or virtually no relationship with their dads. And children of single mothers who are living with a man who isn't the children's father are at the highest risk of all categories for child abuse.

These losses and added stresses diminish these children's chances of achieving success as adults. For these reasons, programs that support single parent families, as important as they are, can never fully replace the benefits of growing up in a home with stable, married parents.

It is not easy to face these facts. Promoting marriage may make single adults feel ostracized or discriminated against. Mothers or fathers of single-parent households may feel blamed and stigmatized. Some women's advocates may believe that those who are pro-marriage have a hidden agenda to promote male-dominated rather than egalitarian relationships. Front line social workers will be concerned that we ignore those marriages characterized by domestic violence or abuse.

We know not all marriages will succeed. Some people aren't capable of entering into or sustaining healthy marriages. Because of abuse or desertion and for the safety and well-being of both spouse and children, it's best to end some marriages. Nor by promoting marriage should our communities do any less to assist struggling, single-parent families. The many religious and civic agencies that provide services to single-parent households need our personal involvement and support more than ever.

We also must recognize that marriage is more difficult today. Expectations are higher. Partners expect to be fulfilled and happy in their marriages. Gender roles have changed. Because society no longer prescribes the roles husbands and wives will fill in a marriage, each couple must negotiate these responsibilities for themselves. With most married spouses now both employed, sometimes by employers that do not provide flexible work schedules, finding time together and sharing parenting and household responsibilities can be particularly challenging.

But if we are to make significant progress in addressing root causes of the urgent social problems we face, we must do more to support marriage. Increasing the number, stability, and health of our marriages is a powerful way to improve quality of life for everyone. It will reduce crime, substance abuse, teenage pregnancy, and child poverty. It will improve our citizens' health and longevity. It will enhance the chances that more of our children will achieve fulfilling, productive, healthy lives of their own when they reach adulthood. What could be a more worthy goal?

Reasons for Optimism

Fortunately, there are several reasons to hope that we can succeed in revitalizing marriage. First, we now understand better why marriage has weakened in our society in recent decades. Among these causes are the casual attitude and acceptance of non-marital sex and declining individual, social, and community support for marriage. We find ourselves in a society in which the individual is most important. This "me first" attitude undermines relationship responsibilities to spouse and children.

We also understand better what the risk factors are for marital failure and the predictors for marital success. The risk factors include exposure to divorce as a child, premarital sex and pregnancy, young age of first marriage, courtship of less than one year, living together before marriage, and low socioeconomic status. Studies also consistently show that divorcing couples identify poor or disrespectful communication and unresolved conflict as the common factors contributing to their marriage's failure. In fact, researchers can predict whether a couple will divorce with astonishing accuracy simply by analyzing video tapes of premarital interviews or married couple interaction.

Perhaps surprisingly, the degree of dissatisfaction spouses feel in their marriage does not accurately predict whether the couple will divorce. In other words, marital satisfaction is only one factor contributing to marital stability. If a couple is dissatisfied with the current state of their marriage, they can constructively channel that dissatisfaction to motivate them to take the steps necessary to improve the marriage.

This knowledge enables couples to look at the risk factors or perhaps recognize when they're developing negative patterns so they get help before their problems destroy the marriage.

One additional result of all this research is the development of excellent premarital counseling materials. How powerfully enabling it would be if every couple contemplating marriage received expert, thorough, premarital counseling. Couples can learn the attitudes and skills that form the foundation of a successful marriage.

Most encouraging is the emergence of a national movement to strengthen marriage. Led by academic, professional and religious leaders, it is gaining momentum. For it to be fully effective, however, we all must get involved and do our part. Here are some specific suggestions.

Clergy and Churches

• Adopt a sound policy and procedure to ensure thorough premarital counseling for  couples wishing to be married in your church.
• Recommend or provide marriage enrichment activities for couples of all ages.
• Develop a volunteer-driven marriage mentoring program.
• Teach a practical theology of marriage as a covenant that contrasts with the prevailing cultural model of marriage as a contract.

• Affirm the moral nature of marital commitment while you affirm the importance of personal health and psychological well-being as central dimensions of marriage.
• Provide marital therapy only if you are trained and experienced to do so. Refer clients only to other therapists who have that training and experience.

• Make preparation for marriage a basic educational priority along with preparation  for citizenship and career.

• In cases of marital dispute, whenever possible, propose mediation or counseling.
• Advocate for a required premarital counseling process before granting a marriage  license.

• Include premarital preparation and marital counseling in employee health benefits.
• Adopt Human Resource policies that allow appropriate flexibility for those balancing work and family obligations.

• Recommit yourselves to making your marriage as strong and vibrant as it can be.
• Model for your children a committed, respectful, loving marriage relationship.
• Recommend counseling to couples struggling in their marriage.
• Recommend premarital counseling for your children and all those considering marriage.
• Become involved in programs in your church or community that support marriage.