Stages of Marriage

Diane Maodush-Pitzer, M.Div., M.A., 42, Director of Witness, a non-profit, ecumenical center of mentoring, advocacy, and support, and Clayton Maodush-Pitzer, M.Div., M.S.W., 47, social worker for Cedar Springs Public Schools have been married 15 years and have 3 sons: Dane, 11, Max, 6, and Nick, 5.  

Diane:
Our marriage started out differently from most because it involved an intense period of discernment for Clayton as  he sought to ascertain whether or not this could be what he was being called to-moving from priest to husband and potential father to children. From the beginning, our relationship had to wrestle with deep spiritual and personal issues. 

The first 1 ½ years were difficult as we both struggled-Clayton with the transition from the priesthood and me with not getting a call in the church. As we found our vocations, we began to look at having children and almost immediately faced issues of infertility and pregnancy loss. While difficult, these forced us to find comfort and solace in one another in a way we probably wouldn't have had to do otherwise. We understand we have a relationship that can withstand great joy and great pain. We have an awareness of one another because we've had to walk so closely with each other for what for us were trauma-filled moments. 

Clayton is my greatest supporter. No one believes in me more-often he believes in me more than I believe in myself. That's a gift. He champions my cause and is quick to support and slow to antagonize or diminish who I am or what I do. My marriage is a source of not only companionship, but also it's a relationship of encouragement and support and affection. 

We're also deeply aware that children are a gift, and we cherish that gift. A basic tenet for both of us as we parent is to treat our sons as gifts and realize they're not exclusively of us but of the One who creates us all. They need to be cherished and nurtured in a full way. Because we have had so much that preceded their advent in our lives, we had to work about being clear and direct with one another, so already have some skills built in. This doesn't mean we're perfect, but we have some history and skills that help with parenting, especially as we face parenting a preadolescent. 

Clayton:
The fact that I married was quite a shock and sometimes still is a shock because my mind was geared towards a totally different lifestyle. As I grew up, my whole focus was towards Catholic ministry, and I served as a priest for five years. Even as an adult, sometimes trying to comprehend the change is still a mystery to me. But it was a choice I made after a lot of struggle, and I've never doubted that choice since I made it. 

I was in my thirties when we married and our children are quite young. Children, no matter what age you have them, are going to put stress on a relationship. There are lots of demands that push away individual or couple needs. Children, especially at the age we have them, need a great deal of recognition, attention, direction, and modeling. If parents aren't ready to do that emotionally and psychologically, it can hurt the parents' relationship. 

Diane and I don't have a lot of time to nurture our relationship the way we did the first five years when it was just the two of us. We still crave that kind of time and attention with one another. We still work on shaping, developing, and nurturing our relationship. Our marriage means satisfaction and hope for my life personally. It means a relationship with a person I love. And I want to continue to strengthen that bond everyday.