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by Randall Wolthius, Ph.D.
"I wouldn't know a good marriage if it walked into the room right
now!" These were the brutally honest words uttered by William, a frustrated
husband who, with his wife, Sonya, found himself in my office after fifteen
years of marriage. They had both experienced what has become commonplace
in today's marriages: increased conflict and anger, decreased intimacy
and emotional togetherness, and deteriorating communication.
To their credit, William and Sonya were trying to do something about
it. They recognized the problem and their own loneliness. Better yet,
each was ready to take a good hard look at themselves in therapy, ready
to acknowledge his or her part in the problems in the relationship. However,
both had come from families where their parents' marriages were poor.
Both sets of parents had divorced when William and Sonya were adolescents,
after years of destructive relating. So, there are these two people in
their thirties, sitting in a therapist's office, acknowledging that they
have "no clue" what a good marriage is or looks like. They were right.
How does one tell when a marriage is healthy? Is there really such a
thing? Recently, there has been a remarkable increase in research designed
to answer these questions. And just in time, too. The sad trend of failed
marriages and splintered families has left a trail of hurting, angry,
and lonely people during the past few decades. Approximately 60 percent
of marriages are failing. Divorce has tripled since 1960. Only about 55
percent of all adults are married today, the lowest percentage ever. The
rate of couples living together without being married has increased sevenfold
since 1970.
Because of solid research in recent years, we now have stronger-than-ever
evidence of what we really "knew" all along: divorce exacts a terrific
price of people. Divorce increases the risk of physical and psychiatric
illness for spouses. Research points out that children incur a significantly
increased risk for drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and juvenile crime.
But enough of all this bad news! Marriage seems to be making somewhat
of a comeback. Lately, people are paying more attention to their marriages.
Researchers are more interested in marital satisfaction and discovering
what makes certain marriages work and others fail. Churches are emphasizing
marriage enrichment. Research shows that good premarital preparation can
have a significant difference in marital success, so communities and pastors
are beginning to stress a more thorough premarital preparation as vitally
important for couples contemplating marriage.
While it is true that a healthy marriage means something different to
different people, there does seem to be a general agreement among experts
and researchers as to the key ingredients. The list below is not intended
to be exhaustive. You might add some of your own ingredients. However,
these seem to be present to some degree or another in healthy marriage
relationships.
Healthy Communication
This one sounds logical, doesn't it? But what in the world is "healthy
communication"? There are several answers. Healthy communication means
individuals speak directly about their needs, feelings, and desires. Healthy
communication involves confronting conflict, acknowledging differences
"head on."
Healthy communication involves being psychologically or emotionally intimate,
sharing your inner thoughts and feelings in a climate of safety in the
knowledge that your spouse will respect you for doing so. It involves
being attentive to your spouse, making eye contact, being sensitive, avoiding
judgment.
Healthy communication is active listening, which involves summarizing
what you just heard from your spouse before stating your own reactions
or feelings. It also means appreciating the power of non-verbal communication
like holding hands or an affectionate touch or hug.
Healthy Conflict Resolution
This one is really important. A recent study suggested that of all the
factors in relationships, a couple's ability to deal with conflict was
the most powerful predictor of marital satisfaction.
Notice that it's not the absence of conflict that makes a good
marriage. All marriages have conflict because marriages are made up of
human beings...enough said! Conflict is not the opposite of love-apathy
or indifference is. The critical element is not whether conflict exists,
but how a couple handles it when it does occur. There are two factors
that are most important.
First, in healthy marriages, couples are able to resolve conflict. Research
confirms what many couples know already: when major conflicts remain unresolved,
there is an eroding effect on the relationship because negative interactions
between spouses increase. This leads to more defensiveness on the spouses'
part, decreasing satisfaction, and increasing estrangement. In well-functioning
marriages, spouses are direct when they confront differences and conflict.
They recognize their own contribution to the problems and will say "I'm
sorry" when those words fit. They actively listen to each other and seek
compromise when possible.
Second, in healthy marriages, spouses confront conflict in an emotional
climate of trust and mutual respect. Face-to-face discussion of the issues
seems to have a "containing" effect on conflict. In contrast, couples
in unhealthy marriages-particularly men, according to recent research-seem
to avoid conflict more. Spouses feel less understood and less connected
to each other.
Presence of Laughter and Humor
People laugh when they are relaxed and untroubled. In healthy marriages,
laughter means spouses can "lighten up" a little and be flexible. It means
they don't always take life's surprises (and themselves!) so seriously.
A recent University of Oregon study of satisfied couples married more
than fifteen years confirmed that the presence of humor and laughter is
an important ingredient in healthy marriages. When humor is present, it
sometimes indicates that the inevitable disagreements and conflicts that
arise in a marriage are not enough to put a damper on an enduring love
and commitment.
Mutuality in Decision-Making
Not surprisingly, recent research seems to be confirming that marital
satisfaction in spouses rises when they make decisions mutually. Husbands
and wives both need to feel that they and their opinions count and can
make a difference. There is a certain amount of healthy "power" each spouse
needs in a marriage. It helps people feel effective and "in charge." Husbands
and wives both need to be active participants in decisions involving parenting
children, money management, leisure activities, and involvement with friends.
Sharing decisions enhances the partnership of marriage by sharing responsibility.
Psychological Intimacy
It is a universal need for all human beings to have another person understand
their feelings and needs. In healthy marriages, there is an emotional
closeness and connectedness that is priceless. This kind of intimacy makes
a husband who has been married for many years look forward with a youthful
anticipation to seeing his wife after a long day at the office. It is
the kind of intimacy that allows a woman to share her deepest fears and
hurts with her husband in an atmosphere of warmth and love, knowing he
will respect her.
Research indicates that even in healthy marriages there is an expected
slight decline in psychological intimacy during the years when spouses
raise children. However, this emotional closeness is stronger than ever
in healthy marriages during the "empty nest" years when children have
grown and left home.
Sexual Intimacy
An active sexual relationship also characterizes a healthy marriage.
A healthy sexual relationship is one that is vibrant and fun. Spouses
can communicate their physical and sexual needs and desires directly and
openly with each other. In healthy marriages, a tired or preoccupied spouse
can safely decline a sexual invitation by his or her spouse, knowing that
communicating "not right now" will be respected. According to recent research,
the frequency of sexual intercourse declines from the parenting years
and through the "empty nest" years. In healthy marriages, sex remains
important as time goes one, but many spouses replace intercourse at times
with more non-sexual physical touching and demonstrations of affection.
Similarity in Values and Beliefs
Research is strong in confirming that the happiest spouses are those
who share similar values and beliefs. For example, research indicates
that a strong faith in God and a commitment to Christian principles seem
to be a very important contributor to marital stability and happiness.
More than ten years ago, a large insurance company conducted research
that found that the most religiously committed people are also the happiest
at home and at work and the least likely to get divorced.
Psychologically Healthy Individuals
As you might expect, healthy marriages are more likely to be made up
of psychologically and emotionally healthy individuals. People who, for
example, are consistently depressed, angry, easily threatened, or mistrustful
will find it difficult to achieve the kind of intimacy necessary for a
healthy marital relationship to take root and grow. Individuals need to
be relatively free of depression, anger, and mistrust.
In addition, spouses in health marriages are able to retain their own
individual identity. Each partner is able to have some individual interests
and pursuits apart from his or her spouse. Both spouses are comfortable
being apart from one another and pursuing activities and interests that
are fulfilling and enhancing to the individual without compromising the
partnership of marriage. Spouses support and encourage development of
the gifts, talents, and pursuits of their partner without feeling unduly
threatened or neglected.
It is a fairly safe bet that most of the ingredients listed above are
present in well-functioning, healthy marriages, don't you think? Doesn't
it make sense that a relationship so vital and primary to human beings
deserves the attention and energy necessary to make it as healthy as it
can be? I think so.
And so did William and Sonya. It wasn't easy and it took a while, but
they were committed to revitalizing their marriage. They learned how to
build on their strengths and how to grow in the areas they lacked.
If you're in a marriage that is struggling and you find yourself struggling
as well, consider seeking help. If you're contemplating getting married,
invest time and energy into premarital counseling and preparation. The
stakes are too high not to.
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