Stages of Marriage

Clova Hardiman, 50, Masters in Counseling and Personnel, homemaker, and  Bill Hardiman, M.P.A., Mayor of Kentwood, MI, 50, have been married 24 years. It is Bill's second marriage and Clova's first. Bill has a son, Mark, 25, who has two children. Clova and Bill have a daughter, Valenta, 21.  

Clova:
My marriage means completeness. I feel complete with Bill. That comes first of all from my relationship with the Lord. In the early stages of our marriage, I expected Bill to fulfill most of my needs. Since I've grown in the Lord, I've learned that God completes me, and now I'm a whole person coming into a relationship. 

I come from parents who are divorced, and my mother raised us to be independent. She always stated, "Get your education so if your marriage doesn't work, you have something to fall back on." I entered marriage thinking I had this to fall back on. I don't think anyone should enter marriage like that because it's a negative. 

At first, we had problems in our marriage, and I questioned whether our marriage was Bill's priority. As Bill grew closer to the Lord, he began to love me as Christ loves the church. I know I'm first with Bill. There's a tremendous amount of freedom knowing that your mate puts you first. I look forward to anytime I can have lunch with him. If he stops in for a few minutes, I get overjoyed just seeing him. We laugh and joke and pray together. I didn't expect the relationship would be what it is now. I'm as surprised as he is. 

We're partially in an empty-nest marriage because our daughter stays at college. It's been an adjustment, but a wonderful adjustment. We love our daughter tremendously and if she wanted to come back and live here forever, that would be fine. But our relationship has blossomed more. I'm rediscovering more about Bill and his personality, and he's rediscovering more about me. When you have a child in the home, your focus is divided. This has been a nice time for us. 

Bill:
Right now my marriage is an awesome, awesome relationship. It's better than I knew it could be when I was first married. My parents separated when I was 14, and I have to admit that when I got married, I didn't know how to be a good husband and father. That's not an excuse, that's an admission. I'd been through a divorce and-with my religious background-that was difficult. I didn't want to fail a second time, but I made some mistakes early on in this marriage.  I'm so glad that the good Lord was patient with me, and my wife was patient with me, and we both learned. We grew in our ability to relate to each other and love and care for each other. I was more self-centered when I was younger and felt that I could do what just pleased me. Now I look to my wife and want to please her. Now that I've put her first and she knows it, I get so much more out of our relationship. 

When we were going through a tough time, someone told me: "Your wife is like a garden. If you plant bad seeds, you'll reap bad fruit-and sometimes more than you planted. If you plant good seeds, you'll reap good fruit." I took that new knowledge and planted good seeds. It took a while. You don't reap a garden right away. Sometimes I'd be trying to be a good husband, and she'd say, "I've been thinking about the past" and that was that bad seed coming up. Now I see so much of the good fruit coming out. It's a joy now living together. We're secure in each other. She's my best friend on this earth next to Christ, who is the center of our lives. 

A lot of young people don't understand how fulfilling it can be to love one person for life. If they can hang in there and do what is right, it's like walking through a heavy curtain and coming out on the other side and seeing this beautiful place that you never knew existed. A good relationship takes a lot of work, but it's worth it.