Happily Ever After?

by Carol Bosch, M.S.W., as told to Valerie Nanninga Engeltjes, M.A. Illustration by Jason Buck

Tevye:  Golde, do you love me?
Golde:  Do I what?
Tevye: Do you love me?...The first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared.
Golde:  I was shy.
Tevye:   I was nervous.
Golde:  So was I.
Tevye: But my father and my mother said we'd learn to love each other. And now I'm asking, Golde, do you love me?
Golde:  I'm your wife.
Tevye:   I know. But do you love me?...
Golde:  For 25 years, I've lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that's not love, what is?
Tevye:   Then you love me!
Golde:  I suppose I do.
Tevye:   And I suppose I love you, too.
BOTH:  It doesn't change a thing. But even so, after 25 years, it's nice to know.  

Carol Bosch, M.S.W.: This scene from Fiddler on the Roof illustrates that our concept of marrying for love is a Westernized and recent phenomenon. For centuries, marriages were arranged. They were economic relationships in which children were produced. 

Now the focus of marriage has changed and been made into an arena in which we expect to have many, many needs met. Our changed expectations can put a lot of stress on marriage. Some of what I do in therapy is focus on the realities of what marriage is really like as opposed to our romanticized version of "happily ever after." 

Today: You said you "focus on the realities of what marriage is really like." Isn't that somewhat negative?

Bosch: Not at all. I help people realize they may have unrealistic expectations for marriage. When the relationship can't meet those expectations, they think something is wrong.

Most people start marriage being totally in love. There's a high degree of romance. A relationship can't sustain that euphoric peak. Couples, especially young couples, are disillusioned when there are ups and downs. Often it'll be the wife who feels she's lost something she thought was always going to be there.

In the past, women had many of their needs met within their home or community because they lived surrounded by extended family. Women took care of each other's emotional needs. Now the expectations may be: "My husband is going to listen to me when I need to talk." and "My husband's going to make me feel better about myself."

I often encourage women to find women friends. I also work with couples on improving marital communication-being willing to listen and share. Men and women are often on different wave lengths. I educate couples on how men and women think differently and have different needs and help them learn how to express those needs so their spouse hears and understands them.

When I work with a couple in which one or both spouses have unrealistic expectations, I try to help them rachet the expectations down while they work on improving communication.

Today: Is communication a major problem for most couples seeking therapy?

Bosch: Definitely. When there's a problem with communication, they've lost true intimacy. True intimacy is sharing your thoughts and feelings with a certainty that you'll be heard in a caring way. Many couples have a sense that they were connecting better earlier in their relationship. Some partners don't understand each other because they're not willing to listen any more. Sometimes spouses suffer in silence without trying to make the other person aware of their feelings.

Many stressors-money, children, sex, relatives, work schedules and commitments, different priorities, faith issues, alcohol and drug usage, or diverging interests-can lead to this communication breakdown.

While stress is normal, couples must be aware of "red flags" that may signal deeper problems. These include growing resentment, distancing, an undertone of anger, or a sense that you can't share your true self with this person because he or she won't accept you.

It can be easy to dismiss problems because of assuming every marriage goes through rough times. Couples must find a balance between what they should accept and when they need to make changes.

Today: How does a couple know when they need outside help?

Bosch: There are wide variations in how people run their marriages. A couple's marriage may be vastly different from what I'd want, but if they are happy and it's not causing difficulties for their children, then their needs are being met. It's when one or both spouses feel tremendously dissatisfied that effort to change should be attempted.

Ideally, a couple resolves conflicts on their own. But sometimes they have been in conflict for so long, that one or the other has given up. When difficulties remain chronically unresolved, it's beneficial to have a third party try to help them reach some kind of compromise.

When couples can't compromise on areas of disagreement, that can indicate a power struggle. "I'm not going to give in because then he wins." "I'm not going to give in because then she'll think she controls me." They've dug into positions they're not willing to change. Sometimes the therapy process can help them see there's something to be gained from meeting in the middle.

Sometimes people seek help too late. The problems have solidified, so there's more difficulty. Often by the time they seek help, one of them wants out. For marital therapy to work, both people have to want to work at it.

Today: What are the typical problems that prompt couples to get help?

Bosch: I see many marriages in which there is mistreatment of each other, particularly verbal abuse. Would they talk to anybody else like that? There is little evidence of respect. At times, self-worth is so low that a person sees no option but to tolerate mistreatment.

I see marriages in which alcohol is a significant problem. If the alcoholic isn't willing to stop drinking, the marital issues are difficult to resolve.

I see marriages in which a partner, often the husband, is into control: "I'll decide where you go, when you go, who you see, what you wear." These individuals were usually raised in homes where that was the primary way of relating. They either had a controlling, harsh father as a model, or they had a controlling mother and decided they were never going to have that kind of marriage.

In fact, many issues are ultimately over control. Petty fights can erupt because spouses won't work with each other. It could come down to what kind of video do they rent-action or romance. Who always gets their way? These minor issues build up resentment over time if one person feels as if he or she is always giving in.

The need to control is a learned way of behavior. It's a mindset in which you don't see a relationship as equal, quid pro quo, something for something, I give and I get. Instead you see it as "I have to make sure I get my needs met because I can't trust anybody else to do it for me. I'm going to make sure I have the power in this relationship." These people probably don't think this consciously, but it affects all their interactions.

When husbands have this attitude, I refer wives to Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. For many, it's eye-opening. Sometimes the wife will say, "But he'll never change." I respond, "But you can change. If you change, he's forced to change. If you're no longer acting in the same way, then his reaction must alter in some ways." They start to make subtle changes. This is a slow process, but often beneficial. A hallmark of a solid marriage is mutual respect.

In his book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, John Gray makes some good points on how men and women are different. Often, it helps couples to understand that the opposite sex processes situations and events differently. While that's a broad generalization and there are many variations, there are some fairly consistent gender differences. One is that women are more likely to think out loud than men.

Gray uses an example of a man who comes home from work, and his wife asks how his day was. He says, "Fine" and retreats to the living room to read the newspaper or watch TV. Work hadn't been fine, but he's not going to unburden himself. He's going to mull it over because he wants to solve his own problems. He'll keep it to himself and work something out eventually. He may retreat to his "cave" of solitude.

 When the wife comes home from work and if the husband asks how her day was, she'll probably tell him. She'll share the problems that evolved during the day. The man thinks, "I didn't think you'd actually tell me, but since you did, you must expect me to solve these problems for you." So, he gives advice: "Why didn't you... You should have..." Communication stops because she didn't want advice; she just wanted him to listen.

Another difference between men and women is that women are often more focused on relationships. If you say to a man, "Tell me about yourself," he'll tell you what he does for a living. He identifies himself by his work and achievements. If you ask a woman, she's probably not going to start with work. She'll start out with her connections-she's married, has three children...

Marital harmony increases as each partner works to understand better the other's needs and perspectives.

Today: How do you know if it's worth it to work on a marriage?

Bosch: Ann Landers tells readers to ask themselves the question: "Am I better off with or without this person?" That's not an easy question to answer. It can't be answered flippantly. Sometimes therapy can help make the answer more clear. While I have a strong bias to keeping a commitment to a marriage, clients must decide that for themselves.

I also would add consideration for the children. What's going to be least damaging for the children-to stay or go? Divorce is tough on children, regardless of age. I've seldom met a child who didn't secretly wish his or her parents had stayed together. A marriage is worth trying to salvage.

Today: What steps can couples take to improve their marriage?

Bosch: First, read. There are many good books that help people think in different ways about issues, relationships, problems, and commitment.

Second, if what's been tried so far isn't working, develop different approaches. Learn how to listen actively or how to approach problems in ways that aren't confrontational.

Find a trusted person in whom to confide. Be selective. Find someone who helps you think through the issues. It's ideal if that person doesn't join you in "Yes, that's awful," but stays more neutral and can help you keep a balanced perspective.

Pray about it, looking for God's direction in how to proceed with the issues. Ask yourself hard questions: Am I really acting, behaving, doing in the way that God would have me? Am I looking for God's will in this?

Use a rational, problem-solving strategy. List all possible options or solutions. Look at the list and decide which is the best. That becomes Plan A. Try it and see what success it has. If it doesn't work, go to Plan B. Problems look less overwhelming as you work on concrete ways to solve them.

Today: What can couples expect from therapy?

Bosch: Not necessarily that the marriage will stay together. Some people end therapy saying, "That didn't work."

One of the problems is that it took a while for the relationship to get bad, so it'll take a while to improve it. Change is slow. Couples may want a quick fix and often have unrealistic expectations that they're going to change their partner. People only change if they have no other choice or if they acknowledge they are part of the problem and are willing to change.

 Therapy clarifies the issues. It cuts away all the extraneous stuff, gets to the heart of what's going on, and examines why problems are occurring.

One of therapy's goals is to help the couple understand each other's perspective. They learn to articulate their own perspective. We work on how to carve out time for communication and how to listen attentively rather than indifferently.

We often look at family-of-origin issues. How each spouse was raised has an impact on how they interact in their own marriage. Sometimes a better understanding of what formed them to operate and think in the way they do serves as a catalyst to work on change.

Therapy is a three-part approach. We look back so they understand what happened in the past that brought them to this point. We look at the present-what's going on now that's troubling. We look ahead-what do they want to be different? What can they change so they're not still in the same spot in a few years?

We focus on conflict resolution. How can some of the persistent issues be resolved? Where is there room for compromise? How can problems be handled in the future?

Therapy doesn't offer easy answers or quick fixes. But for motivated couples, it can make a significant difference.
 

Excerpted from Soul Searching: Why Psychotherapy Must Promote Moral Responsibility by William J. Doherty, Ph.D.