Shame

by Les White, ACSW

Barbara is 34 and in the prime of her life. To look at her, you would think she is nearly perfect. She works hard in her career, is a good wife, a competent and caring mother, and a spotless housekeeper. She attends church and belongs to important committees. If anyone in her family needs her, she drops what she's doing to help out. Friends confide in her frequently about their problems. But, all is not well with Barbara. She enters therapy with symptoms of fatigue and a persistent, nagging sense of unhappiness and depression. She is embarrassed to have to ask for help and wonders aloud whether the counselor feels she is just "making a mountain out of a molehill."

John is 42 when he first seeks therapy for a drinking problem. He angrily tell s the counselor how everyone, from his wife to his boss, is "on his back" about his drinking. After a couple of sessions, John's tone changes somewhat as he sadly begins to explain how nothing he does seems good enough. In fact, he has quit drinking before only to go right back to it after a couple of months. He cautiously ventures the statement, "I must be defective."

What do Barbara and John have in common? It appears they have little, if anything, in common. But the therapist notices both are struggling in their own way with a strong internal sense of shame.

What is shame?
According to human development experts, shame is something we develop as part of our second stage of growth. In the first stage, an infant develops a basic sense of either trust or mistrust. For the first one to one-and-a-half years of life, the infant is dependent on caretakers for nurturing, consistency, predictability, and mirroring back to the infant their own behaviors and emotions. If the caretakers are fairly predictable, this forges a strong interpersonal sense of trust. This trust allows the child to move successfully into the second stage of development.

In the second stage, a child learns to stand, walk, and explore his/her world. Everything is new, and the child experiments constantly. As the child does this, he/she also begins separating from the caretaker and developing a sense of autonomy. Some experimenting is inconvenient for the caretaker or dangerous for the child. For example, sometimes a parent needs to dress the child though the child prefers to continue playing. Or the child may be thwarted from experimenting with the taste of a poisonous plant or household cleaner or from climbing on the kitchen counter.

When thwarted from exploring, a child often experiences intense frustration and anger which shows up in stubbornness ("I want it when I want it") or temper tantrums. The caretaker's task is to provide safe and consistent limits within which a child can explore his or her world. The child needs to know that the caretaker's love will consistently be available. The child's new experiments within dependence or displays of frustration and anger will not destroy that love. By setting limits safely and consistently, a caretaker helps a child develop a healthy sense of limitedness. A child needs to learn there are necessary limits and boundaries as a part of normal human life. Some people call this a "healthy sense of shame." It's when we learn that we are not omnipotent, but limited as human beings. It also helps us realize that we need others.

"Unhealthy shame" is created when the caretakers withdraw their love in response to the child's independence and experimentation. Shame develops when the child is emotionally abandoned by the caretaker who shuts down emotionally and does not affirm the child's emotions and needs.

Sometimes children are told they are "naughty" for experimenting or doing things which make a parent uncomfortable. The child gets rewarded for being focused on the parent's needs and learns that approval comes from this, rather than being "myself."

Other children may be punished for displaying anger or frustration when parents place limits on them. They learn to hide these feelings as if they are not normal feelings to have. Children may also be punished for normal curiosity in touching parts of their own body--perhaps then learning to be ashamed of their feelings and body.

In its extreme form, the caretaker may abuse the child for experimenting, exploring, or asserting independence. In its less obvious form, a child is shamed when he/she is continually punished for normal needs and drives. As time goes on, a child accumulates experiences of being shamed which gather momentum like a snowball rolling down a hill. They store the sights and sounds of shaming experiences in their memory. Subsequent experiences easily trigger them.

Shame is the basic underlying sense that "I am a mistake." Guilt develops later in a child's life and is different from shame. Guilt comes when we break a reasonable moral code or principle we believe in. The response to guilt is "I made a mistake" and "I can learn from this." For a person struggling with shame, a mistake can trigger the feeling "I am a mistake." Shame is a feeling about who we are while guilt is a feeling about what we have done.

Where does shame grow?
So what do John and Barbara have in common? Both have come from dysfunctional families. On the outside, the families look very different. A closer look reveals a profound similarity.

John comes from a family where everyone agrees that his father has a drinking problem, but nobody will discuss it openly or call John's father an alcoholic. John remembers his father coming home drunk a couple of times, but mostly, his dad sat home in the evening drinking beer in front of the television until he "nodded off."

John learned not to ask his father for help. If he did ask for help, he would often receive an angry reply such as, "Can't you see I'm busy" or "Can't you do anything by yourself?" John was always rather big and clumsy for his age. He remembers his father putting him down when his awkwardness caused him to make a mistake. In fact, John can't really remember a time when he didn't feel like a "poor excuse for a human being."

John's shame was so intense, he never stopped to question whether his father had a problem. He always assumed that he was defective because his father treated him that way. Today, John's shame gets triggered by his inability to stop drinking, and the shame triggers him to drink even more.

He's caught in a vicious circle and doesn't know how to get out.

Barbara reports that neither of her parents drank or used other drugs. You might say they looked like the model family, much like Barbara herself today. Her family took great pride in never having to reprimand Barbara in public. They always pointed out her achievements to others. Unfortunately, some of Barbara's other emotions and drives were dealt with by swift and sure punishment.

She learned she would get punished for expressing her anger at home, so she started to keep it to herself. Her parents were "very disappointed" in anything less than "A's" in school. When Barbara experimented with behaviors or ideas that did not match the family image, she was chided by comments such as, "How could you do this to us" and "What will the neighbors, church, etc. think if you do that." Sometimes her parents became upset enough not to talk to her for several days.

Today, Barbara feels split into two parts. One part is what she shows to others in public. The other is what she really feels inside and shows to no one. She is ashamed of who she is inside. No matter how much Barbara achieves or helps others, she still feels defective and unworthy inside. The time she feels best is when she is doing something to prove she is OK. But the shame never stays away for long.

Shame grows in dysfunctional families when children receive the message that their feelings are bad, instinctual drives are "naughty," or their needs are not as important as the needs of the family. Sometimes the family is struggling with difficult situations such as illness or addiction that makes it hard for parents to meet the child's needs adequately. Perhaps one or both parents struggle with shame about their own needs, feelings, and instinctual drives, and cannot accept these when they see them in a child.

Once shame develops, children learn that they must be a certain way to be loved, accepted, or noticed. They keep other emotions private. They may deny the existence of these normal feelings. As they do so, they lose touch with their true selves and with the ability to be truly honest with others.

Both John and Barbara have become isolated from others because they are ashamed of their true drives and feelings. To expose their true selves is to risk confirmation of their ultimate suspicion--that they are indeed "mistakes." How can John and Barbara begin to deal with their shame?

Healing Shame
John and Barbara have each taken a courageous first step in healing their shame. Working with a skilled therapist provides a safe and supportive place to begin opening up your "true self' to another. Often you learn that you are not as "horrible" as you feel you are.

A therapist can help validate normal drives and feelings while encouraging healthy, responsible expression of them. Therapy can help to heal old painful memories. Since humans are not perfect, there are no perfect parents either. Therapy can help you understand your past, the effects it has on you, and eventually find ways to forgive others and rebuild bridges to those who shamed you.

Groups can be helpful places to work on shame issues. Both therapy groups and self-help groups allow you to practice sharing yourself with others, find acceptance, and learn that you are not alone in your struggle with shame. Make sure when you select a group that it will allow you to express your true feelings. A group should also be one that does not try to shame members who are eventually ready to move on and become more independent from it.

Shame is also a spiritual issue in that it affects how we view God and how we perceive God viewing us. When we experience shame, we cannot experience our self-worth through the eyes of the Creator. Books on self-image and shame (see references) can be helpful additions to your work on shame issues. The guidance of a loving minister or chaplain who understands shame can also be helpful.

Shame-based people tend to emphasize that God loves us in spite of who we are. They may have trouble believing that God could love them at all. They need to learn that God loves us because of who we are, one of God's unique, beloved creatures.