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by Timothy J. Zwart, Ed.D.
Sara's world is falling apart. Bill, Sara's husband of 20 years,
has left her. His mistress is alcohol. Sara sinks into depression and
despair. Even God seems distant.
Sara realizes she needs help. In a therapist's office, she recounts 20
stormy years. Bill had always been a good provider. However, the last
several years his drinking grew more frequent. He began to miss work.
He also began to miss family events and even stopped going to church.
Sara tried so hard to cover for Bill. But recently he was fired and the
debts are starting to mount. Sara began to complain, but Bill became violent--so
Sara shut up. She swallowed her anger and tried to shield her children
from further rejection and hurt.
Sara's worried about their kids. Their oldest daughter is a straight-A
student. She's eager to please and so helpful. Sara often confides in
her. Their youngest child is the family clown, always cracking jokes--a
welcome break in the tension. And then there's Billy, their middle child.
He has become defiant, irresponsible, and is failing school. Billy is
always catching it from his dad. Sara cringes at the words that come out
of her husband's mouth. Again, Sara keeps her mouth shut--she's learned.
Bill and Sara don't know it yet, but Billy has begun drinking and smoking
pot.
Sara's therapist asked her about her own early years. She reluctantly
began to talk about her own family, although she really didn't see what
this had to do with Bill's leaving her. As Sara talked, she remembered
her father's drinking and her mother's poor health. As the oldest child,
she tried to hold the family together by cooking, cleaning, and caring
for her younger siblings. From the outside, her family seemed OK. But
behind closed doors, there was constant tension and unpredictability.
Sara began to realize that in her married life she had repeated the dysfunctional
role she had played in her family of origin. By joining a support group,
Sara found other people who understood the feelings she had stuffed long
ago. Though she knew a lot of work lay ahead, Sara felt energized. And
for the first time in years, she felt hopeful.
Sara grew up in a dysfunctional family. Sara's father was an alcoholic,
she married an alcoholic, and it appears that her son is following the
pattern. Parental alcoholism or other untreated mental illnesses (such
as depression, schizophrenia, disabling anxiety, or deeper personality
disturbances) affect the way an entire family system operates.
Our sinful selfishness mars our relationships and family life. While
there is no perfectly functional family, the level and the severity of
the dysfunction within families varies.
In a severely dysfunctional family, there is often physical violence,
abuse, and threat. A moderately dysfunctional family may be marked by
periodic verbal and emotional abuse. In both cases, parental dysfunction
prevents the consistent nurture of the children.
By contrast, in a more healthy, functional system, the children feel
safe and secure. Parents meet their children's needs consistently, and
the children feel respected and loved.
Unhealthy Characteristics
Dysfunctional families are marked by several characteristics that
allow the system and its individual members to survive. Unfortunately,
these survival strategies lead to even further dysfunction.
The first of these characteristics is rigidity. As the addicted
or disturbed parent becomes increasingly unpredictable, irresponsible,
or abusive, family members respond by becoming increasingly rigid. Family
rules and roles (see below) become inflexible and provide order to the
unpredictability. The world becomes defined in unrealistic black-and-white
absolutes. As a result, family members do not adapt to change nor are
they allowed to change. In an inflexible system, there is little freedom
for children to experiment and make the mistakes that lead to normal learning.
The second characteristic of an unhealthy family system is silence.
Family members are not allowed to talk about what is happening in the
family because open communication would force the system to change. Sara
remained silent because Bill became violent. Fear of "making waves"
forces silence and prevents family members from expressing their feelings
and opinions.
The third characteristic is denial. Consider this: A child sees
her father passed out drunk on the floor. She runs to her mother, afraid
and concerned. Her mother brushes the child aside saying, "Daddy
is sleeping." She just denied reality. As this interaction occurs
over and over, the child's reality becomes distorted. Children learn not
to trust their own perceptions.
The final characteristic of the dysfunctional family is isolation.
The dysfunctional family is a closed system whose members cling emotionally
and dependently to one another. While there may be momentary comparison
with other families, silence and denial prevail. Isolation prevents the
family system from changing and moving toward healthier communication
and relationships.
Unhealthy Roles
In addition to these four primary characteristics, the members of unhealthy
family systems tend to assume rigid, specific roles. These roles allow
the system to continue operating in its dysfunctional way. Uncorrected,
these patterns continue to shape adult behavior and relationships.
The dysfunctional system hinges on the dependent, the parent who
is either chemically dependent or emotionally disturbed. Like Bill, dependents
are unable to meet the physical and emotional needs of their spouse and
children.
The spouse of the dependent often assumes the role of enabler.
Like Sara, enablers work to make everything all right. Sara unconsciously
protected Bill from the natural consequences of his addiction and irresponsible
behavior. By covering for him, she denied the reality of the problem.
The enabler often enjoys the illusion of control and the sense of importance
and identity that comes from holding the family together.
The children in the dysfunctional system typically assume one of four
roles: the hero, the scapegoat, the forgotten child, and the mascot.
The two identifying marks of the hero are over-achievement
and caretaking. Sara and Bill's oldest daughter, the compliant, straight-A
student, is a family hero. Hunger for love, recognition, and control motivate
her behavior. Heroes often become the emotional caretaker of the family.
Sara probably leaned on her daughter for the love and emotional support
that she was not getting from her husband. In doing this, Sara violated
the adult/ child boundary and forced her daughter to prematurely assume
adult responsibilities.
These "little adults" are at risk of
never growing up emotionally. Adults who continue the hero role often
develop a compulsive drive for perfection and control. They are prone
to workaholic behavior and stress-related illnesses. They will likely
find someone to "save"--recreating dysfunctional relationships.
Sara was a hero in her family of origin. The intergenerational cycle continues
as the child hero becomes the "adult" enabler.
Sara and Bill's second child is the scapegoat. The scapegoat often
displays delinquent, defiant, and underachieving behavior. This role serves
an important function to the family since these behaviors remove the focus
from the parental dysfunction. As adults, the scapegoat's pattern of irresponsibility,
addictions, self-destructiveness, and impulsive behavior often continues.
Scapegoats often find a hero to take care of them.
The third role is the forgotten child. To escape the tensions
and confusion of the dysfunctional system, forgotten children remain shy
and introverted. They prefer to stay alone and solitary. To compensate
for their loneliness, they often develop a rich and active fantasy life.
As adults, these individuals remain socially isolated and may seem peculiar.
The last common role is the mascot. Like Bill and Sara's youngest
child, mascots learn to use humor and pranks to get attention. The mascot
represents a source of fun and levity in an otherwise tense environment.
Unfortunately, many mascots never grow up. As adults, they remain quite
immature and dependent, craving the limelight and unable to handle stress
and disappointment.
There is a marked contrast between these characteristics and rigid roles
and the healthy family. In a healthier system, there are flexible roles
and flexible rules which allow change and growth. For example, a healthy
system will not scapegoat one member. And rules that might have been appropriate
for a young child will be renegotiated as the child becomes a teenager.
In a healthy family, family members don't deny reality, but label it--accurately
and honestly. They encourage each other to interact with and learn from
the outside world. Communication is direct and allows members to resolve
conflicts. Parents allow the kids to be kids by maintaining clear boundaries
and not relying on the children to meet their own emotional needs.
Unhealthy Adults
A healthy family system encourages children to develop a healthy sense
of self. Adults reared in a dysfunctional system do not establish the
identity and self-esteem necessary to allow them to consistently support
and nurture their own children. As a result, their children experience
a sense of abandonment, which they unconsciously attribute to some personal
fault or failing. A deep sense of unworthiness is internalized and sidetracks
normal development. As adults, they will experience problems in their
emotional life, mental outlook, and behavior.
Disrupted Emotions
Adults reared in dysfunctional family systems struggle with several
basic emotions--fear, anger, distrust, hurt, shame, unworthiness, and
guilt. Just as the child survived the chaos of the dysfunctional family
by turning off emotions, the adult will try to deny intense and confusing
feelings.
These adults continually re-experience the deep fear of being abandoned
that interferes with trust and the development of healthy relationships.
Because these adults weren't allowed to be angry, they often internalize
anger. This sets the stage for depression or psychosomatic and stress-related
disorders.
Distorted Reality
The characteristics of the dysfunctional family also shape the person's
mental outlook and way of thinking. As a result of the rigidity and inflexibility
in the family of origin, the adult has learned to think in unrealistic
black-and-white absolutes. For example, people are seen either as "all
good" or "all bad."
These adults also focus obsessively on thoughts or ideas that they cannot
let go, such as a job or relationship failure. They become immobilized
as they try to analyze all the angles, leading to chronic indecision.
Finally, the adult raised in a dysfunctional family often develops a
distorted concept of God and spirituality. A child growing up with an
absent parent or a critical, abusive parent may find God quite distant
or, in the latter case, quite punitive.
Dysfunctional Behaviors
Adults reared in dysfunctional families exhibit a number of self-defeating
behaviors. They live from crisis to crisis to avoid the need to look too
closely at themselves. They need to control all aspects of life. As children,
they learned to manipulate others to get what they needed. This "controlling"
pattern continues into adulthood. They often lock into a course of action
and fail to see alternatives--even if the current course is headed for
disaster.
Adults reared in an unhealthy family will have difficulty with intimate
relationships. They will either jump from one relationship to another
or cling dependently to one other person (who is equally dysfunctional).
Finally, they are prone to all varieties of compulsive-addictive behavior.
They are at particularly high risk for alcoholism and drug addiction,
but are also vulnerable to addictive relationships, eating disorders,
and other compulsive behaviors such as workaholism, perfectionism, or
compulsive dieting.
Breaking the Cycle
Sara sought help and emerged with hope. It takes great courage to
break the denial and isolation that marked one's unhealthy family of origin.
The movement toward health is a process. As people identify and work through
issues, they discover healthier ways to cope with life's bumps and crunches.
Healing begins when they break denial and recognize the destructiveness
of their dysfunctional coping. The energy that went into denial and dealing
with crises now becomes available for self-examination and exploration.
The process of healing involves three components: emotional expression,
cognitive reconstruction, and specific behavioral change.
The move toward health begins with emotional expression. Deeply stuffed
emotions such as anger, rage, hurt, deep grief, shame must be experienced
and expressed. This is a painful but energizing part of the process. Cognitive
reconstruction involves learning how to think in healthier ways. Distorted
thinking must be caught and challenged. For example, negative self-talk
such as "I'm worthless" must be replaced with positive affirmation.
Black-and-white thinking must be discarded so the "grays" can
be handled.
Developing a healthier, more realistic concept of God also becomes part
of emotional, cognitive, and spiritual healing. As healing occurs, the
way is paved for a more intimate relationship with the Creator and, ultimately,
a more realistic view of oneself as God's deeply loved child.
Another part of the cognitive reconstruction process involves learning
skills that were never learned. These include conflict resolution and
assertive communication skills.
The third component focuses on changing specific dysfunctional behaviors
and learning to take care of oneself. Examples might include working fewer
hours, practicing relaxation, getting out of a destructive relationship,
or ridding oneself of addictions.
Breaking the cycle is possible. There is help available. Many find it
useful to start by reading about dysfunctional families. Individual or
group therapy can also be helpful to identify issues and begin the healing
process. Others have found 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous,
AI-Anon, or Overeaters Anonymous helpful in breaking addictive behaviors.
The cycle can and must be broken--for you, your children, and your grandchildren.
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