Balanced Lives... Balanced Relationships

by David Plaggemars, A.C.S.W.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

With a few simple words, the Serenity Prayer captures the secret of living a healthy, balanced life. However, it is easier for some of us to live by than it is for others.

Enter the term "codependent." By now, most all of us have heard the term even if we don't fully understand what it means. It shouts from the bookstore shelf, is the topic on the afternoon talk show, and now, even a friend or family member may have made a subtle reference to the idea.or the symptom.or the disease.

What is codependence? What isn't codependence?

History
The word "codependent" first appeared on the treatment scene in the late seventies. No one has traced the originator of the term. It emerged simultaneously in several treatment centers in Minnesota, where many treatment methods have originated.

Originally, in context of the seventies, it described a person whose life was affected as a result of being involved with someone who was chemically dependent. A person developed an unhealthy pattern of coping with life as a reaction to someone else's alcohol abuse. As friends from Alcoholics Anonymous say, "it was really a new name for an old game."

Today the term "codependent" has evolved far beyond the early treatment center jargon to encompass such a wide array of behaviors that many of us must wonder if we ourselves are not codependent to some degree.

Let's first look at what the experts say.

Sharon Wegscheider Cruise: "Codependence is characterized by a preoccupation and extreme dependence emotionally and socially on another person. It eventually interferes with healthy growth and makes constructive growth very difficult."

Stephanie Covington: "A codependent is any person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and who seems geared to controlling that person's behavior."

Terry Kellogg: "Codependency is the absence of a relationship with oneself or focusing on another person at the expense of oneself."

And, so, we learn that codependency may be an attitude, a feeling, or a behavior. The common feature in all of these definitions, however, is that codependency is a less-than-healthy way of interacting with others--probably with those we care about the most.

Characteristics of the Codependent
To simplify matters, I've sifted through more than 150 characteristics the experts recognize to give you a flavor of codependency. All may not apply, yet codependence is, perhaps, best recognized by its pattern of symptoms.

Codependents

• may feel anxiety or guilt when others have a problem.
• may feel angry when their efforts are not appreciated.
• may not know what they want or need or may tell themselves what they want or need is not important.
• may feel insecure in asking for things.
• may feel insecure in receiving praise.
• find themselves attracted to needy people.
• may feel bored, empty, or less than worthwhile if they don't have a crisis in their life.
• may over-commit themselves and have trouble saying "no."
• may blame others for the spot they're in.
• expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
• feel a lot of guilt.
• may settle for being needed instead of loved.
• may take on other people's worries.
• may become afraid to let other people be who they are.
• may have difficulty allowing events to happen naturally.
• may feel controlled by events and people.
• may not feel love and approval from their parents.
• may wonder if they can take care of themselves.
• may take themselves too seriously.
• may let others hurt them or may feel trapped in a relationship.
• may lack trust.
• may feel scared, hurt, angry.
• may, in later stages, feel lethargic.
• may feel depressed, withdrawn, isolated.
• may feel a constant core of emptiness within.

While some codependent problems can be dramatic, codependency doesn't always have to be intense or involve experiences with deeply troubled people. Further, it is not an either/or proposition. Rather, it can be progressive or one can experience tendencies during particular times of stress. In fact, no single example illustrates the typical codependent experience.

As people are complex, so codependency is complex. Some people endure extremely painful experiences with codependency. Others are only mildly affected. A minister summarized the condition this way: "Some people are really codependent while others are only a little bit codependent."

"I'm a real independent, as long as I'm in a relationship," announced one of my clients who had been involved in several troubled relationships. "But when the relationship ends, I feel rejected, isolated, cold, scared, unlovable."

Most people want to be in a loving relationship and have a special person in their lives to approve them. These are healthy desires. A certain amount of interdependency is present and necessary in all relationships. At times the power of love overrides common sense, even in the healthiest of intimate relationships. So how does one guard against the draw towards codependent behaviors?

Needing people too much can cause problems if the other people become the key to our own happiness. Others may look so powerful, so assured, so right. We conclude the magic must be in them and then we become lost in them.

Spiritual Perspective
Some people have interpreted their Christian beliefs as a mandate to caretake in an unhealthy way. Be cheerful givers, we are told. Go the extra mile.

God wants us to help people and share our time, talents, and money. But for some of us, this becomes an obsession and occurs at the expense of our own will and happiness. For the codependent, it is an act of martyrdom and an attitude of self-denial. Resentments soon follow.

Remember the parable of Mary and Martha. While Mary sat and talked with Jesus and His friends, Martha cleaned and cooked. Before long, Martha began banging on the pans, accusing Mary of being lazy. She complained that she had to do everything while Mary relaxed and joined in on the conversation. Does this sound familiar? How did Jesus respond? He quieted Martha by explaining that Mary knew what was important and had made the right decision.

There is a message here about making right decisions and not over-involving ourselves to the point of feeling resentment. That's not healthy. Jesus pointed that out to say people are responsible for their own behavior.

The Basics of Self Care
Here are some ideas that may help. First, finish business from childhood as best you can. Begin to understand how events from your childhood affect what you are doing today. Give what you didn't receive. Forgive wrongs. Get some perspective. Although we are all affected by the environment of our past, each one of us has the challenge and privilege to shape our adult life according to what's best for us now.

Second, recognize the trap of looking to others for your total happiness. Our source of happiness and wellbeing lies within ourselves. Recognize honestly if you are seeking too much approval from others. We have all the same sources for happiness and choice-making as others do. Find and develop your own supply of peace, wellbeing, and self-esteem. Develop personal cores of emotional security within yourself. Relationships help, but cannot be our source.

Third, have a "love affair" with yourself. To borrow from William Shakespeare, "This above all: to thine own self be true, / And it must follow, as the night the day, / Thou canst not then be false to any man."

Paying attention to our own needs and expressing them to those we love is essential in a functioning relationship. This requires a level of self respect, a sense of worth--in short--a certain fondness for oneself. Ultimately, we may even discover this astounding truth: Few situations in life are ever improved by not taking care of ourselves and giving ourselves what we need. Take care of your health, take time to walk, exercise, read, and develop your talents and gifts.

Fourth, feel your own feelings. An elderly client muses, "When I repress my emotions, my stomach keeps score."

Too many of us disguise our true feelings to the point of losing grasp of how we actually feel about something. Ask yourself often, "How do I feel about this or that?" Learn to identify those feelings. It can do wonders for your self-esteem. "Each time you act as if you are valuable, not desperate, you make it easier the next time," advises Rice Drew.

Fifth: Yes, you can think! II Timothy 1:7 states "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind." We're entitled to our opinions. All of us--men, women, and children--have valuable thoughts. We can figure things out. We can evaluate our behavior. Remember, we don't have to make decisions perfectly. We don't even have to be nearly perfect. Making mistakes in our thoughts and judgments is part of living, and we can learn from our mistakes. We have the right to change our minds. What applied four years ago may no longer fit what we think today.

These suggestions may help us build confidence in our mental abilities:

• Feed your mind. Challenge it and expose yourself to information.
• Avoid saying bad things about your mind.
• Feed your mind healthy, positive thoughts. Read daily meditations. Allow positive thoughts.
• Learn to detach and get calm. Avoid making decisions under pressure.
• Ask God to help you think. Each day ask God to give you the right words, thoughts, and judgments.

Sixth, we can depend on God. God is there. God cares. Our spiritual beliefs provide us with a strong sense of serenity.

Finally, practice the art of acceptance. All of us, not just codependents, face the dilemma of either accepting or avoiding what is actually taking place in our lives. The art of acceptance allows the person to not force the current situation, deny the loss, or fight the inevitable. It doesn't mean giving up or giving in. Rather, it means to accept with grace and dignity the circumstances that may lie out of our control.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."