Living Through Grief

by Calvin Meuzelaar, M.S.S.W., A.C.S.W.

"Life must be a process, not just an outcome."

An Understanding of Ourselves in Relationships

Grief over loss is an inevitable part of our living. Losses can be large or small, accumulative or sudden. As others have said, a loss is a rend, a tear in the fabric or tapestry of our lives.

Our lives tend to be organized, patterned, and filled with relationships. We are connected to people by many threads. We're connected to some by multiple threads. Others have only a few ties to our lives. For some, their role in our lives at this time is somewhat distant and yet their meaning to us is significant. Relationships with others such as neighbors or friends at work may be closer in time, yet not have the ties of more important relationships from the past.

The sum total of these connections is a tapestry that gives meaning, depth, intimacy, and richness to our lives. It gives us a sense of perspective. It is wrapped around us, and it becomes a part of us.

A loss rends the fabric. It leaves a tear. Where there have been connections, now there are simply loose ends. There is pain and there is a void. A loss requires our attention and our energy. It becomes necessary to mend the tear, to reconnect the loose ends. We must renew the fabric of our lives. A loss becomes sown into our tapestry and becomes a part of our identity, adding its small part to the whole.

Our Reactions to Grief

Coming to terms with a loss encompasses our whole selves and will involve our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

A primary emotion is sadness. We also will probably experience anger from the sense of frustration and helplessness that there was nothing we could do to prevent the death. Many people experience guilt and self-reproach. I once heard a person describe himself as a murderer for not having been able to do more to prevent what was essentially an accidental death.

Many people experience feelings of anxiety after a loss. There can be strong feelings of insecurity and even feelings of panic when we realize that all is not permanent in our lives and losses are inevitable.

In addition to a variety of emotions, many different thought patterns mark the experience of a loss. Some people are preoccupied with the loss they are obsessed with thoughts about the person who has died. They can be obsessed with thoughts about how the loss might have been prevented. Other people feel confused. Many people cant seem to put their thoughts in order and have difficulty concentrating. Absentmindedness and forgetfulness are common.

And many people experience strong flashbacks. These can be both visual and auditory and can be so strong it is as though the person who has died has returned. These usually occur within the first few weeks following a loss and are more common if the loss has been sudden or tragic. They tend to diminish as time goes on.

The grieving process also will create changes in behaviors. Many people experience sleep disturbances. The most frequent is sleeplessness, which might mean having difficulty going to sleep or waking too early in the morning. Many people experience a change in their appetite. Most lose their appetite, but some people find themselves overeating. Many people withdraw socially. This is usually short-lived and corrects itself. Restlessness and agitation are common, too. Some people find themselves feeling driven to work day and night as a way of coming to terms with the loss.

Frequently people find themselves either avoiding or treasuring objects associated with the person who has died. One woman came home and discovered her husband had died in the living room, watching TV. She told me she rarely went into that room after that and almost never watched TV while living in that house. She would only go into the room to clean it and eventually she moved into another house. Other times, people begin treasuring objects that belonged to the deceased. As a child, my grandfather was caring for his younger brother who accidentally fell into a well and died. My grandfather kept his brother's shoes until he himself died some 75 years later. Those shoes are still in our family.

As we grieve, we cycle through various combinations of these emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Some authors talk about "stages of grief," but "phases of grief" might be more appropriate. Most of us experience the primary phases of shock and denial, anger, denial and attachment, dialogue, acceptance, and a return to meaningful life. The concepts of cycles means that while we are primarily in one of these phases at any given time, we can still briefly move into another phase. It's as though we have cycles within cycles.

The first few days after a death, our primary emotions might be shock and denial, yet briefly during the day we might find ourselves feeling small amounts of acceptance and being able to see that there is potential for meaningful life in the future. As time stretches on, we cycle forward, closer to returning to meaningful life with periodic shifts back into some of the early emotional phases.

Actions We Can Take to Help Ourselves Work Through Grief

Adjusting to a loss requires time, yet there are actions we can take to help ourselves with the process. It is important to acknowledge the loss. A loss creates a sense of unreality or disbelief. We must face the loss and make it real so we can deal with it.

One of the most helpful ways of acknowledging the loss is simply talking about it. I recently talked with some people who had tragically lost a friend. A significant part of our conversations was helping them understand Barbara is dead. It was sad for them and they cried, yet it also provided relief and freed them to grieve openly.

For some people, it isn't easy to talk. For them, writing about the experience can be beneficial. Regardless of the method, facing the reality of the loss is essential.

Identifying and expressing emotions I mentioned earlier is another action that helps us come to terms with loss. When someone dies, its very common to feel angry. This anger is real, and we must express it. Some people find it helpful to simply talk about it. Again, others find it helpful to write about their anger. Many people take their anger out physically through walking or other vigorous exercise.

The guilt many people experience is often irrational or excessive. Whenever there is a loss, there is time for reevaluating how we related to the other person before the death. Look at the relationship realistically, taking responsibility for our part in that relationship and gaining a sense of balance. No relationship is without error. It's important to own responsibility and make peace with those errors that are our responsibility. This can help place the guilt in perspective.

Feelings of anxiety and helplessness are often created by an awareness, not just of death in general, but also of one's own death. Again, comng to terms with the reality that loss is part of our experience and accepting that can help us gain a sense of peace while recognizing we don't have ultimate control over all that occurs in our lives.

Finally, it is important to express our sadness. At times, it is helpful to cry. Some people feel that crying openly will not look dignified or that it will embarrass others. On the contrary, it is frequently helpful to share our grief with friends because it provides us an opportunity to receive their support and gives them a chance to minister to us.

It is also important to adjust to living with the loss. Quite often the person who died performed meaningful roles for us. For example, frequently for a wife, her husband managed the yard and the car. Part of coming to terms with the loss is also either assuming the roles that he filled or finding someone to fill them. For a husband, the wife most likely was the family nutritionist. Again, it would be important for him to either fill this role himself or have help in getting it filled. Other roles might be the family humorist, social planner, or accountant. Talking with others can help us identify the roles that need to be filled.

Strengthening existing relationships and establishing new ones are also essential tasks in actively grieving the loss. Frequently people hesitate to establish new relationships for fear of dishonoring the person who has died. There is also a belief that the role of the person who died could never be filled. This might, in fact, be partly true because filling it identically would be impossible.

Occasionally, I do social histories at a local hospital for people who are in their eighties and nineties. These people are frequently in poor health. Yet, I am amazed that for many, their capacity to relate hasn't diminished with the years. In many ways, establishing new relationships to meet their needs has helped keep them young. I met one woman who was living in an apartment building almost exclusively occupied by single people in their twenties. She said she had no desire to move out of that building because staying with the young people was meaningful for her and for them.

Remember to give yourself time to grieve. This is vital. In many ways, our society expects to be able to come to terms with negative emotions within a matter of weeks and definitely within a matter of a few months. However, people find themselves grieving a loss for a year and frequently two years after it occurred.

One woman once said she felt she had done rather well as she was able to successfully make it one year past her husband's death of cancer. However, she became concerned when she moved into her second year, and she continued to feel some depression and anxiety. She came for a consultation because she felt she should be over her emotional adjustment period. I suggested that for her, one year wasn't enough. She then acknowledged she tended to be a very emotional person in general and perhaps for her a longer period of time was necessary. Each person will be different.

Finally, lean on the nurture of your faith in God at a time of loss. God says to those who believe, "I am with you always." These are words of comfort and promise that give us strength to complete the task of grieving. The Lord helps us face the reality of the loss with the promise of God's presence. God knows our emotions and is strong with comfort when we express them. God knows of the needs of our lives and the roles that have been severed and helps us to reconstruct relationships so we are again whole. God is patient and present to hear our reactions of grief until they are complete.

Mature faith turns to, not against, God at a time of grief. In this way, grief can ultimately strengthen us. Growing and living through grief with God helps us to come to terms with the inevitability of loss, yet the promise of an Eternal Presence. Then, even in the face of death, we can learn to say that God is good and so is life.