Children Also Grieve

by Nicholas Vander Kwaak, M.Div., Th.M., as told to Valerie Nanninga Engeltjes, M.A.

Up to age 5

• death is separation; they experience separation anxiety
• the dead can come back, for everything comes back
• dead people eat, see, hear; associations with darkness, violence, evil, sleep, or punishment

6-8 years old

• death seen as a result of causes
• death personified: a monster, goblins, darkness
• fear of death of parent
• still an active fantasy life; interest in (gory) details
• at age 8-9, death is understood as final

9-12 years old

• death now seen more as biological/scientific reality
• for the first time in life, the child becomes aware of own mortality and universality of death

Adolescence

• abstract thinking develops; can deal better with the spiritual, universal, and real
• death seen as destruction of life, body, hopes, dreams
• reminded of own mortality
• often reject adult help; may display need to be strong so will not add to burden of grieving parents; grieving often experienced as embarrassing

Even adults don't like thinking about death or grief, so we can find it difficult to help children with the grief experience. As adults, we need to learn to discuss death and grief and face the reality of it ourselves so we can communicate effectively with children.

A key is using direct, clear language. One problem is we use obscure terms. Don't say someone "passed on," "went on a long trip," or "expired" because those terms are confusing. Children usually know better anyway. Don't use confusing religious answers to cover up reality. If you say "God took Grandpa away," you could confuse children. God doesn't snatch away loved ones or pets. They die because of accidents or disease. Children need concrete, plain explanations about what has happened. Say, "Grandma died of a heart attack. Jesus is in heaven and waited there to receive her spirit. Jesus knows we are very sad about this and will help us."

Another mistake well-intentioned people sometimes make is saying, "This is God's will." That is not comforting. People use that expression often and think they're talking good religious language, but in reality who knows what God's will is? We have to get back to reality, to the facts we have. I had an 8-year-old I was working with once who asked me, "Why did God kill my little sister?" His sister had been in a car accident, and he was very angry with God. Some religious language can give children a wrong concept of God. We have to help them learn that God is a loving, caring, protecting God. But God does allow human freedom and, therefore, accidents and bad things do happen. By saying "it was God's will" or "God took," we are giving confusing messages and can actually be hindering children in their faith and trust development. The way to give comfort is to focus on their sad feelings, not pronounce theological statements.

To help them with their emotions and feelings, try to be in tune with them. Listen to them. Adults usually grieve more openly and consistently. Children also will grieve, but it won't be as obvious. If they're playing around the funeral home, adults may think, "They're not handling it so badly. Maybe they feel ok." That's probably not the case. Children still have a lot of feelings, they just have different ways and times of expressing them.

We have to be ready to listen when they're ready to talk about their emotions. When they're ready to share, they will. We can't force it out of them. Ask questions: "Were you close to Grandma?" "Do you feel sad that Billy moved away?" "Are you upset that Mommy and Daddy aren't living in the same house anymore?" Leading questions help a child respond.

We need to tolerate the feelings, especially the angry ones. They might not seem reasonable to us, but we have to accept them and not try to tone them down. If children don't have a chance to express their feelings verbally, they may begin to act them out or turn their anger inward and become depressed.

Talking about the person who is gone-whether through moving away, divorce, or through death-is helpful. Perhaps go through a photo album and review the life of the loved one. Give children a chance to talk about the experiences they had together.

Crying is one of the more predominant symptoms children have when they're grieving, and that's a good emotional release. There are other clues to look for, too. Children may avoid locations they associate with the deceased or the person they've lost. Some younger children will seem to regress, become more dependent, and may suddenly be afraid to go to school or will want to be in Mom and Dad's room more frequently.

Children also experience a lot of guilt and think, "if only I..." They will sometimes feel responsible for their parents' divorce, for their pet dying, or for the death of a grandparent. They blame themselves and their behavior as the cause. It's difficult for a child to express all these feelings directly, so be looking for signs. Some children may not show any feelings at all. Even though it's not obvious on the surface, they are still grieving. Perhaps they just start waking up more at night or sleep more restlessly or eat less. These are clues that they are grieving.

It is good for children to see adults dealing with grief and how adults handle it. However, in some situations adults may find it difficult to help their children with their grief. If a grandparent dies, Mom and Dad are mourning themselves and may not be able to support a child who's grieving. It's important for other adults in the children's lives to be there to listen to the children and support them. Pastors, teachers, relatives, and friends can use this time for a beautiful, caring experience. As parents, we sometimes think we have to do it all ourselves, but we don't. There are many other people involved in our children's lives; give them an opportunity to be there for the children.

Teens, in particular, often turn to someone else for support. They may do this because they don't want to add more burdens to the family. They may think, "I need these parents, and I don't want to make them any weaker and more upset." Peers and other adult confidants can be especially supportive for adolescents.

Suicide can be particularly painful. It heightens the sense of guilt for everyone: "What did I do or say? How could I have prevented it?" There is often a sense of shame on the part of the survivors. Help children understand they are not responsible for the other person's suicide. Children may need to express their anger at the person who committed suicide. It is essential children have the opportunity to express their anger and negative feelings. Listeners often don't give them a chance because what they may be saying may not be nice. But in reality, there are angry feelings: "You abandoned me. You chose this way out. You put us in this kind of a mess and this crisis." Those feelings need to be discussed. Another aspect of suicide that may pose special problems is if a child wants to know if the person went to heaven or hell. Stay away from any judgment. Be honest and say you don't know, only God does, and God is very merciful; we trust God with our loved one.

Sometimes people ask if children should attend funerals. Even young children of 4 or 5 should go unless they're uninterested or distraught. However, don't force children to go, simply encourage them. Trying to shield children from a funeral denies them the experience of saying goodbye and seeing how society handles death. It's a sharing of grief together. It's significant they see what the body, the coffin, and the service are like. It's important they see how people at such times pull together and care for each other. Make sure you talk about it afterwards. If they don't want to attend, perhaps an option would be going to the cemetery at a later time. You need to be open and clear with them because their fantasies may be more frightening than the reality of what is happening. They need facts, and most children are quite open to learn.

When my mother-in-law died a few years ago, I asked the funeral director if I could take some of my nieces and nephews to look at the caskets. It was a learning experience for them, and I was able to answer some of their questions. We need to use opportunities for death education. Many children have questions about the reality of death because they've never been to a cemetery or funeral.

Don't avoid death education. Take a walk through a cemetery sometimes. Children can learn a lot. The historical data, names, and dates can be quite fascinating. Children have a lot of curiosity, but adults tend not to want to go there. Cemeteries can be instructional.

Many parents have a good opportunity to help their children learn about grief through a pet's death. Pets are important creatures, and it's an upsetting experience when a pet dies. Burying the pet in the yard can be an important ritual for a child. Remember, use concrete language. If you take the pet to the veterinarian to have it euthanized, don't tell your child it was "put to sleep," but explain that the vet helped it die without pain.

Some parents go right out and buy a new puppy or kitten to replace the one that died. Give it time. Children were attached to the other pet, and it takes a while to live with the grief, talk about it, and accept the reality of death. Let children know there is grief involved with the loss of a pet, there's a sense of emptiness, something is torn from us. We need to experience that for a while. They're learning how to cope in times of loss. Eventually a replacement pet will fill the void and be another object for love and caring, but the pain does need to be experienced.

Whether the grief children are experiencing is from death or another loss, remember to be direct, honest, helpful, and supportive. Be in tune with the clues they're giving so you know when they're ready to talk. Children need to learn how to handle grief. If they don't learn to cope with loss and grief early in life, it only gets more complicated as time goes on. And there will be losses. All of us experience those throughout life. The earlier we help children deal realistically with loss and grief and express their emotions, the better equipped they'll be for other losses at later stages in life. It is crucial for their development and well-being.

The crucial issue is: children are people, too, and need to be treated with utmost respect for their feelings and emerging personalities. As nurturing adults, our greatest satisfaction is experienced when we can support our children in times of joy and times of sorrow as they journey toward maturity.