Caring for the Bereaved

by Duane Visser, M.Div., M.C.

What do you say to someone who is suffering? Some people are gifted with words of wisdom. For such, one is profoundly grateful. There were many such for us. But not all are gifted in that way. Some blurted out strange, inept things. That's OK, too. Your words don't have to be wise. The heart that speaks is heard more than the words spoken. And if you can't think of anything at all to say, just say, "I can't think of anything to say. But I want you to know that we are with you in your grief."

Or even, just embrace. Not even the best of words can take away the pain. What words can do is testify that there is more than pain in our journey on earth to a new day. Express your love. How appallingly grim must be the death of a child in the absence of love.

But please: Don't say, "it's not really so bad." Because it is. Death is awful, demonic. If you think your task as comforter is to tell me that really, all things considered, its not so bad, you do not sit with me in my grief but place yourself off in the distance away from me. Over there, you are of no help. What I need to hear from you is that you recognize how painful it is. I need to hear from you that you are with me in my desperation. To comfort me, you have to come close. Come sit beside me on my mourning bench. (N. Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)

How can you respond most effectively to those who grieve? What will help the person who is bereaved? There is no one way to respond. To be sure, there has been helpful research and insight into some general guidelines for such caring, and I will attempt to present some suggestions. But it is also important to be aware that each person has his or her own individual ways of responding to crises, which defy a simple prescription. As we seek to provide them comfort, we must listen to their unique expression of need against the background of our understanding of general responses that have or have not helped others.

Relief Through Intervention

The initial response to loss is shock. In shock, people typically slow down physically, emotionally, and even cognitively. They may have real difficulties in being able to accomplish tasks that under normal circumstances they could do quite easily. Emotionally, many people are erratic and can't make decisions easily. At this time, I would encourage the would-be helper to intervene.

This may take the form of assisting and planning, doing some household responsibilities, or caring for other routine tasks. It is important to take initiative and not always wait for the bereaved to tell you their needs. Because of the emotional trauma, they may not be able to specify what does need to be done. On the other hand, as the helper, you should not take all of the responsibility if they can or wish to do some things. They may want to be an active part of funeral plans, or may wish to be making some decisions about an injured child, or need to be party to financial transactions. While not doing everything, some activity helps them deal with the reality of the loss.

The object of intervention is to assist during the time of intense pain and shock. The intervention is an attempt to give time and space to begin to accept the reality of the loss, to begin the grieving. In our culture, we often do not allow for such space in the best of times. In the shock of loss-the worst of times-we are even more likely not to be patient with too much inactivity. But such time and space are necessary ingredients to the grieving process.

While there are those who are slowed down by grief, others may respond with hyperactivity. Such people may become rigidly controlled in their responses, doing the normal tasks of life without any emotion, almost seeming to want life to go on as if nothing has happened. Another expression of this is the person who gets very busy making decisions, going places, and doing activities. There seems to be no time for grief-and little need for others to support or comfort. Some helpers may encourage such activity, believing that it will help the suffering person return to normal life more quickly. Ironically, the reverse is true. Such activity serves to delay a persons response to the loss or pain and may even be a way of their denying the reality.

Encourage Emotion

When the shock passes, those who have experienced loss are bombarded with the whole spectrum of emotions. This often begins as confusion. The person may be overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings and have difficulty in distinguishing between them. This gives way to a focus on fear. The grieving individual is experiencing what he/she has never before experienced. They become afraid that there is no way past these awful feelings. These are followed by emotions like anger, guilt, and sadness. Grief is an emotional reaction-or a whole series of emotions. Helping those who grieve requires that we respond appropriately to these feelings.

Responding to strong emotions is not easy, however. Many times I hear from those who have experienced death, divorce, unemployment, or other loss how comforters will try to stop or change the emotions. There may be the quick suggestion to deaden the pain with medication. Or a well-meaning person will, like Job's friends, seek to clarify reasons for the loss. Still others are told that the deceased is "better off" or that "all things work together for good to those who love God." While these are expressed with good intention, they often have the result of shutting off further expression. We are often not comfortable with feelings-especially strong ones. But that is not only a modern phenomenon. Listen to the writer of Proverbs 25:20: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." Our fear of feelings forces the grieving person to withdraw from us and to have to deal with the pain by themselves.

A more appropriate and helpful response is to encourage the grieving person to speak of his/her loss and the feelings surrounding them. The best way to encourage this is by listening. Allow the grievers to express whatever feelings they have. Feelings that are shared allow for understanding and support. There is no need to solve or give suggestions. The grieving person needs our understanding, and in that process, begins to deal with the grief. This seems to me to be the gist of what Wolterstorff says in the quote that began this article,

What I need to hear from you is that you recognize how painful it is. I need to hear from you that you are with me in my desperation. To comfort me, you have to come close. Come sit beside me on my mourning bench.

By listening to the mourners, we let them know that their feelings are a normal response to a painful event. As Christians, we may legitimize their grief, giving permission for them to weep, or be angry, or afraid. Do this by using Biblical examples of such pained responses to loss, saying prayers that express the mourner's agony, or simply being there. It is of no help to encourage the person to put on a happy face. They need to be given the opportunity to have an honest reaction.

Another way of encouragement is to allow the grieving person to speak about the deceased or whatever they have lost. Many times, those who grieve are discouraged from talking about the deceased because it is too morbid or we fear it will delay the process. On the contrary, talking about the loss moves grief along. It is part of facing the reality that the loss has occurred. Early in the process the immediate events surrounding the loss are repeated. One may find a griever rambling about the last days that led up to the death or explaining the details of an accident. Later he or she needs to be encouraged to talk about the loss as a way of facing the loss, of recognizing the fact that life has changed permanently.

Such memories often surface during holidays, anniversaries, or favorite events. The griever is reminded of the loss and then needs to be encouraged to talk about it. An example of this is a man who became more depressed during the first summer after his wife's death. They had always camped as a family, but now he realized this would never again happen in the same way. Talking about it led to the realization that she was indeed gone and opened the way for further adjustment for him and his family.

Closely related to this expression of grief is the encouragement to talk of the dreams that are lost. Each loss is greater than the object or person. There is also a dream that has been lost. A still-born child is also the loss of a dream of a family growing together and those happy milestones that each parent anticipates. A divorce may be more than the loss of a marriage, but may include many hopes of growing old together and financial security. A house destroyed by fire is not only lost contents, but a whole history of life gone up in smoke. Those who grieve must talk about these issues and the accompanying feelings to cope.

Finally, the process of grief takes time. In a sense, it is never completely over. We who walk with those who suffer go back to our routines and relationships. Those who have lost must face a life that is disrupted. Life will never again be the same, but they can tolerate the sting of loss better if there are those who will stay with them. Weeks, months, even years later the loss is still painful. Don't be afraid to talk about this with those who grieve. Also, guard against impatience. Grief is a long process that requires long-term caring and availability.

Readjustment

Even though the pain of loss continues, a person is expected to reinvest in life. Life will never be the same, but it does go on for those who are wounded by loss. There is a need to gently assist them in returning to the normal activity of life such as making plans, being involved in work, forming new relationships, and taking up responsibilities of family and home. The person may not be motivated to such activity after the initial period of adjustment because everything seems strange, overwhelming, even frightening. They will need support in these endeavors. Also, many times during this process they will vacillate between feeling like they are ready to face the world and withdrawing with fear and anxiety. It is necessary to be patient with this process and to encourage them to be patient with themselves.

Support for such adjustments comes from many different sources. One way is involvement in self-help groups. In recent years, we have seen a proliferation of such help. There are widowed persons groups, divorce adjustment seminars, singles groups, Survivors of Suicide, groups to upgrade skills of the unemployed, and many other groups that deal with specific losses and changes. In these programs, people with similar experiences provide a special support to each other. But while these groups are helpful, we must not neglect including those who have experienced loss within our own families and social or church groups. There is a need for support as people take the difficult steps in restructuring their lives. Often they can do this best in a continuity of those who have been part of their lives in the past.

At this time in the grieving process, those who are grieving also are more ready to talk about the meaning of their losses. It is not appropriate to seek to answer questions raised early in the grief process because they may not hear the response or may miss the anger of grief. Later, when they raise these questions, they may be speaking of a need to make some sense of the loss, to see how it fits into broader life experience. Soren Kierkegaard, the Danish theologian, once said, Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward. So it is with loss. Lives change radically because of the loss and initially we are not ready or able to cope with or understand meanings. It is at this stage in looking back that we seem to be able to make sense or find some direction. It is here in the grief that Scripture response may be most helpful and accepted. We can now more clearly see Gods presence and leading. It is a tribute to human resilience to note that we can even grow, find meaning, and new goals through the trauma of loss. Again, do not attempt to do this too quickly, but allow those who grieve to take the lead.

These are the tasks of readjustment with which we can help. Simply by affording an opportunity for talking or by encouraging grieving individuals to share with us their struggles, we are helping them move along in their grief. There are no shortcuts through grief. In fact, the wounds will never totally be gone. But eventually faith can lead to hope and a challenge to see God at work and walking with us.