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by Mary Mingledorff, M.S.W., A.C.S.W.
Laundry day was a happy time at our house, and the clothesline area was
my favorite spot. The warmth of the sun, a gentle breeze, clean fragrance,
and a possible nudge on my face or arms from a soft towel are vivid memories.
Mother prided herself in hanging clothes in a particular way. I remember
feeling so competent when I could finally reach the pins and, at first,
help take items down, then eventually hang them up by myself. Together,
we treated the clothes with respect equal to the amount of respect we
felt for the wearers. The experience was predictable and fun. Contacts
with the neighbors often enriched the time. Recently, I experienced another
Clothesline. On this Clothesline hung shirts designed by women survivors
of violence done by family members, persons in the neighborhood, or strangers.
Other shirts were designed by surviving family members of women who had
been murdered as a result of domestic or random violence. The Clothesline
Project is a nationwide effort to:
bear witness to the victims and survivors of violence against women,
to help with the healing process for women survivors of violence and
friends and families who lost a woman through violence, and to educate,
document, raise society's awareness and speak out about violence against
women.
Initially, I was reluctant to look at this Clothesline. When I did, I felt
weighted down and alone. There was no breeze, no warmth, no clean smell-only
silence. Anger, hurt, tears, fear seemed everywhere. Yet, every so often,
one shirt spoke of hope, of recovery, of new meaning to life. The Clothesline
bore witness to what can happen when families experience extreme stress
such as physical or sexual violence. More common sources of stress also
can be detrimental to building healthy families. This stress can be more
hidden and difficult to remedy. It also can come from inside or outside
the family. Ill health, poor money management, or uninvolved parents are
examples of stress from inside the family. Company downsizing, neighborhood
robberies, or inadequate schools are stressors from outside the family.
Violence
Violence can be both inside the family or from the community. An example
of internal violence is spousal abuse. Recent studies suggest the children
who observe violence in their families can experience long-lasting
effects in the way they think, feel, perceive, remember, and behave. The
emphasis here is on observe. The violence does not need to actually
be done to the child for there to be lasting effects. A kindergarten boy
surrounded in the playground by older students and instructed to take his
pants down is an example of violence from outside the family. This greatly
erodes his sense of security and safety. It threatens trust in people. It
causes regression in the child's natural development. He may cling to his
mother, have difficulty doing schoolwork, and lack interest in playing with
other children. Many people are now asking what to do about violence in
our families and communities. This is progress! Similar to our fight against
pollution, we need to mobilize against violence. This involves keeping alert
to violence in any form, even in some outwardly healthy families. Often
people who are threatened are fearful to let others know about the violence.
They may be reluctant to seek medical care and may hide bruises with clothing
or absences from work or school. Mobilizing against violence also involves
arranging safe havens for people seeking to escape violence. Leaving a violent
situation is more risky if there are inadequate community supports. Safe
family members and friends, police, even employers can be part of a team
helping to provide protection.
Isolation
Isolation is another stress that affects families. Isolation occurs when
families are trapped in loneliness. Perhaps they are too busy to build friendships.
Perhaps everyone else in the neighborhood works during the day. Maybe a
spouse is unwilling to do anything after working all day. Maybe the family
lacks transportation to drive teens to school or church activities. When
isolation is present, resources do not flow into the family, and/or it is
difficult for family members to connect to people and experiences outside
the family. In The Shelter of Each Other, Mary Pipher writes:
We've changed from a nation of primary relationships to one of secondary
relationships. Primary relationships are ones in which people know each
other in a multiplicity of roles-as neighbor, co-worker, in-law, and
schoolmate. Secondary relationships are ones in which people are strangers.
We don't know their parents, their religion, where they live, or if
they have a dog. We only know their role at a particular moment. (p.84)
Automobiles have been key elements in this change. Although automobiles
do enable families to seek out resources, even some a long distance away,
it may mean some families ignore or don't know their next door neighbors
because they only see each other coming and going. For some families, a
way out of isolation is to let others know their needs. This lets people
give the family help. For others, it means looking for places to share their
family's strengths. Habitat for Humanity is a brilliant example of people
with needs meeting people with resources. Another is foster grandparents
connecting with families who lack previous generation supports. Neighbors
who wave to each other and look out for each other by watching for lights
to come on and people who daily carry meals to shut-ins are isolation-prevention
soldiers.
Conflict Skills
Many families experience internal stress as a result of limited conflict
resolution skills. Rather than valuing-even encouraging-conflict, some
individuals hope none will occur. They put all their effort into avoiding
and hiding differences. For example, each holiday season, some families
dread the hectic Christmas Day celebrations because there are too many
people to visit and too many traditions to honor. Often if feels easier
to endure this than to engage in some healthy conflict resolution. But
whenever people are together, conflict is inevitable. Tension builds and
can erupt into hurtful, unpredictable interactions. Sometimes family cut-offs
occur, and members stop all contact with each other. Rather than avoid
conflict, people need to learn conflict resolution to relieve stress and
strengthen their relationships. There are six key ingredients in the recipe
for healthy conflict resolution, and they need to be added in this order:
1. Respect To respect another person is to consider
the other person worthy of high regard and to demonstrate this in day-to-day
living. In The Blessing, Gary Smalley and John Trent refer to
the blessing given to children by Old Testament patriarchs, by Jesus,
and by modern Jewish parents. Although there are differences in the
elements of the blessing over time, it always communicates love, acceptance,
and affirmation to the child. It is this kind of valuing the other person
(whether child or adult) that is necessary for healthy conflict resolution.
2. Preparation Time for Conflict Discussion Many of
us jump into conflict discussions before "having our own house in order."
That is, we try to figure out what we want and even what we think about
the issue as we are talking with the person with whom we have the conflict.
Taking time to prepare for the discussion can prevent this confusion.
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Preparation Time for Conflict Discussion
- Be clear in what the issue is.
- Have all the facts-or get them.
- Be sure the other person has all the facts and information you
do.
- Ask the other person for information he or she has and you don't.
- Talk with a trusted friend.
- Prepare to use "I statements," such as "I feel," "I need," and
"I think."
- Practice calming techniques-including personal prayers if this
is meaningful to you.
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3. Time One of the reasons psychotherapy is effective
in helping people is everyone involved sets aside time for nothing but
the therapy, and there are seldom any interruptions. Conflict, on the
other hand, generally happens spontaneously-at mealtimes, or while riding
in the car, or when Dad or Mom gets home from work, or at bedtime. Often
somebody is in a hurry to go somewhere or get something done. Although
it takes effort and planning, setting aside time to resolve conflict
is comparable to getting regular oil changes for a car. It may feel
awkward at first, but scheduling a time to discuss problems gives people
a chance to "cool down," reflect, and gather their thoughts. The best
times will vary with each family, but consider that conflict resolution
is not always fun, so it is best to avoid it at mealtimes. Since conflict
resolution generally stirs up feelings, it is best to avoid it at bedtime,
when it's important to prepare for restful sleep. There are also some
male/female difference to keep in mind. In his award-winning research,
John Gottman states: "At the onset of a fight, men become more intensely
upset physiologically than women-measured in terms of higher heart rate
and blood pressure-and they remain distressed for a longer time-long
after their wives have calmed down." This may help explain why men often
seem to avoid talking just when wives need to talk the most. Planning
when to deal with a conflict can take this important difference into
consideration.
4. Privacy Many of the ideas, feelings, and concerns
that people express during conflict resolution are personal. They don't
intend others to hear. Find a private place to talk one-on-one. There
is another important reason for talking privately. When other people
overhear conflict, it is easy for them to become involved as a third
party, and-unless they are good at conflict resolution-they can become
"triangulated" in the conflict. This means they take sides, add other
issues, and drain energy from the initial conflict resolution process.
For example, children who overhear their parents fighting often will
become afraid and call attention to themselves by behaviors that are
extreme or disobedient. Parents then stop the conflict and tend to the
child. They may never address the conflict again.
5. Focus A common experience for people just learning
conflict resolution is to try to resolve too much at once. One topic
leads to another, and another, and finally everyone is exhausted, and
nothing has been resolved. Each family member can learn how to keep
the focus on one area by pointing out when "we're off track." Often
dads and moms can effectively teach this technique to the rest of the
family.
6. Letting Go When the focus of the discussion is clear
and people talk openly about what they feel, need, and want to do, answers
begin to emerge. Often these involve compromise or waiting for something
to happen. For example, a teen may be able to have her own car, but
may need to first earn money towards the insurance and upkeep. Once
the people involved in the conflict have attained resolution, all of
them need to let go of their personal stake in the conflict and actively
participate in carrying out the result of the conflict resolution process.
For example, two parents disagreed about use of time-outs for their
four-year-old. They agreed to try a modified time-out-such as
first giving two verbal warnings. They must try their plan for some
time without criticizing each other or the plan. There is no room for
"I told you so," or "I knew it wouldn't work." If the resolution doesn't
work, then they must once again cooperatively engage in more conflict
resolution. At that time, they will have more information to include
in the discussion. Often in the process of conflict resolution, people
reveal ways in which they have hurt each other. A humble acknowledgment
of wrongdoing and a still humbler request for forgiveness can radically
strengthen the relationship, as well as the conflict resolution.
Emphasis on Positive
Another internal source of stress for families is a depleted supply of positive
experiences, communications, and activities. Often, day-to-day living is
fast-paced. Pipher wrote about the Copeland family as an example of a typical
American family when she said, "The Copeland family is always rushing. In
their family, as in most modern families, time is a major problem. Life
is increasingly unstable, inconsistent, and hectic. There's too much information
and not enough meaning, too much happening and not enough time to process
it." Limited time and hectic living crowd out positive endeavors such as
play, fellowship (hanging out together), and family projects. The family
becomes burned out and depressed. Families need to regularly tell each other
about qualities they appreciate in each other. They need to laugh together,
play together, eat together. Dr. Gottman has provided invaluable information
in this area: "...we have concluded that we can actually quantify the ratio
of positive to negative interactions needed to maintain a marriage in good
shape. And we found that satisfied couples, no matter how the marriage stacked
up against the ideal, were those who maintained a five-to-one ratio of positive
to negative moments." This means that for every negative communication experience,
there must be five positive ones. If this is true for adults who are developmentally
equal, perhaps we should double the ratio for children who are vulnerable
and still dependent. For each negative experience, they probably need ten
positive ones. By building up a reservoir of positive experiences, the family
has a greater sense of unity, of family strength, of family purpose. This
then leads to an environment that fosters individual development and increased
ability to handle stress.
Passionate Center
Each individual faces the questions: "What is most important in life?" or
"Why am I here?" Some individuals struggle with these questions more than
others. It is in the family nest that we can first experience answers to
these questions. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, and uncles who have
answered these questions for themselves can be wonderful role models and
mentors for children, teens, and young adults. An adult with a passionate
center to his/her life can act as a powerful stress reducer. For example,
an uncle who has chosen to be a musician and is not troubled by pressure
from the community to be sports-minded can be a strong encouragement to
an adolescent nephew who feels pressure to play football and has no interest
in it. The boy can learn to assert himself in his areas of personal interest
by observing the life of his uncle. Examples of a passionate center are
strong religious faith, interest in the natural world, and/or appreciation
of the arts. This center provides a basis for what one does and how one
makes choices. In choosing experiences related to the passionate center,
one can avoid the hectic, frantic pace that seems to cause so much stress.
An eleven-year-old boy recently exclaimed to his parents when he heard of
a couple having a 50th anniversary, "I didn't know people stayed married
that long!" This was an excellent opportunity to emphasize that marriage
has been a priority (a passionate center) for this couple.
Passing Hope On
Fortunately, in spite of strong sources of stress outside and inside
the family, family units are quite stubborn and enduring. Shunning violence,
avoiding isolation, resolving conflict, creating a good reservoir of positive
experiences, and cultivating passionate centers will go a long way to
conquer stress. There is one more important way to alleviate stress. It
involves believing that light will always shine in darkness, if we tend
to the light and shun the darkness. A mother and father of triplets spoke
of the help they received when they first came home from the hospital.
It was those other people who parented triplets who were among the most
helpful resources. They came with the message: "It won't always be this
way. The babies will grow and eventually do for themselves." For these
new, young, first-time parents whose every waking hour and many sleeping
hours were filled with care of babies, this was a message of hope. Perhaps
the greatest stress reliever for families is the sense of hope that one
family can pass on to the next.
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TODAY: Strengthening Families
Mary Ruth Mingledorff, M.S.W., A.C.S.W.,
worked as Pine Rest's Northwest Clinic, often using family therapy as
her main service. She received her master's degree in social work from
the University of Pennsylvania.
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