The Discipline of Single Parenting

by David L. Thayer, Psy.D.

Census data show that single parents head more than one out of every four families with children in the United States. This is one of the factors that has helped reduce the "traditional" family (one wage earner, one homemaker, two children) to a mere ten percent of American households. This also means that one-fifth to one-third of school-aged children reside with only one parent. Single parent homes can be the result of various reasons such as the parent never marrying, separation, divorce, or non-participation or death of a parenting partner. Regardless of how the status occurs, single parenting is likely to have significant and often unique consequences for both parent and child(ren). External support, time, energy, and money may be particularly limited in the single parent home. Additionally, disagreements or conflict between caregiving adults may be prevalent, which is one of the most significant influences on the child(ren)'s eventual adjustment. While many of these topics apply to all parents, the single parent who has little outside help may find them particularly important.

WHAT IS DISCIPLINE?

INEFFECTIVE EXPRESSIONS OF DISCIPLINE

If single parents use passive parenting responses, they mistakenly give away too much of their power. For single parents, there is limited-to-no room for wasting their personal resources.

• Passive behavior includes negotiating, begging, pleading, lecturing, and playing detective. Examples include: "Why would you do that?!" Avoid asking "why" in general as it often promotes non-productive discussions rather than the action-oriented solutions. Also, you are setting yourself up for the "Why not!" answer. "How many times do I have to tell you?!" Who ought to be answering this question? "Please try to be good!" This implies that her/his acceptance is conditional. "If I have to tell you one more time...!" This predicts failure in that what is said the first time just might not work.
• Aggressive parenting behavior may initially appear as the most quick, efficient, and powerful way to get a child to listen. This style may be tempting to any parent who is exhausted or stressed. Examples of verbal aggression include: "You are just like your...mother, father, etc.!" "Shut up!" "How stupid can you be?!" "I can't stand you!"
• Physically aggressive parental responses, including the use of corporal punishment, can stop a behavior immediately. Any parent who is short on time and alternatives and high on stress may find these attractive. However, whether verbal or physical, aggressive parental behavior is a poor investment. The desired effect is short-lived. Typically, the child remembers the uncomfortable feeling, but forgets the original message. For example, the child who is spanked for hitting a sibling is more likely to remember "Mom was mean to me!" rather than "I was mean to my brother." In fact, what the child actually learns is that it is acceptable to show anger and aggression when she or he is upset.
• Some parents choose accommodating and indulging or waiting for unwanted behavior to "naturally" resolve. While these responses may be the opposite of aggressive parental responses, they are equally ineffective. These approaches may lead to an aggravation cycle where irritation accumulates, an emotional and/or physical explosion occurs, and guilt follows, which again leads to the parent overcompensating by "backing off."

EFFECTIVE EXPRESSIONS OF DISCIPLINE

Various underlying principles guide controlled, consistent, effective parenting behavior.

1. Problem-solving strategies versus an "I-am-going-to-win" focus make up the first principle. There needs to be mutual respect between parent and child, which parents demonstrate by flexibility, compromise, and self-adjustment. And there needs to be an expectation that both the parent and child will succeed.
2. Self-disciplined single parents speak clearly, firmly, and succinctly in stating what they want and/or how they want it. Remember to avoid "why" remarks such as "Why were you throwing the ball in the house? Haven't I told you not to?" Instead say, "Pick up the broken lamp and see me as soon as you're done."
3. Single parents need to say what they mean and mean what they say, or the child will "tune out." This also means that they must decide if their statement is reasonable before, not after, approaching their child. For example,"That's it! Your driving days are over!" becomes "Plan to take the bus to school tomorrow, and I'll let you know later tonight when and how you'll get back your car keys."
4. Directions need to let the child know what to do instead of just indicating what to avoid. Keep in mind that the word "not" has little useful meaning to children. For example: "Don't run!" becomes "Walk." "Don't forget your homework!" becomes "Remember your English assignment." "You're talking non-stop!" becomes "Please be quiet." "Don't be out too late!" becomes "See you at 10:00."
5. Remember to target the child's behavior in offering direction, not the child him/herself. This conveys unconditional acceptance of the person and addresses the parent's concern.
6. Demonstrate to the child that you expect the truth by believing what he or she says. This allows the single parent to save precious energy as it promotes trust, respect, and responsibility. There are statements that are unacceptable, however, because they are non-answers such as "I don't know," or "Whatever." Ask the child in these instances, "If you did know, what do you think..." or "Guess."
7. Non-verbal self-control is also critically important for the single parent to communicate effectively to his or her child. Children do have a sense of personal space, and they do mind if it is invaded. So mutually respectful eye contact, tone, gestures, touch, and distance are necessary. These behaviors will help both the child and parent maintain a sense of control and will promote appropriate closeness.
8. Single parents who listen more than lecture also will increase the likelihood that their children will use their ears at least as much as they enjoy using their mouth. Demonstrating attentiveness is the best way to teach it, and-again-you're conveying mutual respect.
9. Establishing consequences for both unwanted and desired behaviors sends the message of choice, alternatives, and responsibility. This also alters the child's perspective that his or her parent only responds in unfair ways or through punishment. For example, a parent may say, "Hang your clothes and take a shower before 8:30, and then you can watch the rest of the game until 9:00. Otherwise, you need to be in bed at 8:30. Let me know what you decide to do."
10. Parents must make specific boundaries, limits, and expectations. They should apply these consistently and offer alternatives in a "forced choice" format. This means the child is free to choose from the parent's list of alternatives. Of course, it is best to integrate the child's alternative list, if possible. Offer the doughnut-demanding child a snack she or he usually likes (for example, a granola bar) and one that is still acceptable, but may be less attractive to her or him (for example, a nectarine). Either way, the child will eat a healthier food and is likely to feel good about not having to eat that nectarine.
11. The consequences' potency increases if they are natural, logical, and timely. For example, taking away the upcoming weekend's concert plans after Monday's dinner dishes go unwashed is neither relevant nor timely. Assigning all of Tuesday's dishwashing to the child is more likely to send the desired message. If Monday's dinner dishes are washed completely and without a complaint, consider taking over Tuesday's dinner dishes yourself and acknowledge your appreciation for a job well done.
12. There are important rules for single parents when they try to efficiently implement consequences: A. First, parents must make sure they are comfortable with the consequences and that they can realistically apply them. B. Second, allow the child to choose any of your options, even if it's one that you don't prefer. Make sure the child understands the relevant consequences for each choice. C. And finally, the parent can declare "martial law" if the child's choices violate others' rights or are dangerous.
13. The disciplined single parent focuses on desired behavior. The ultimate idea is to "catch" the child doing well and to consistently offer reinforcing consequences, including praise, appreciation, and affection.

PREVENTIVE STRATEGIES

Despite their potential protest, children thrive in regular schedules. Consistent eating and sleeping routines are basic and helpful. Family rituals such as bedtime stories and contact with relatives help increase a sense of security. School and community resources offer a child additional direction as well as relief and opportunity for both child and single parent. These include Boys'/Girls' Club, Big Brother/Sister Program, Scouts, and YMCA/YWCA. Remember the rule that you can't give to others what you don't have in yourself. So to best help their child(ren), single parents need to display the same understanding, compassion, and consistency to themselves that they offer to their child(ren). This means pursuing external personal resources, too. It also includes having realistic expectations. It means being able to experience self-forgiveness. It means maintaining a perspective on all of the hats they may routinely wear throughout their day. It means demonstrating wisdom by seeking open communication and consistency with any other significant adult in the child(ren)'s life. And it means showing courage to stick with what you know works even if you seem to be the only willing participant. Remember that the initial goal of assertive discipline is to help the single parent feel and act in control. This takes time, practice, and a realistic personal assessment. What better gift is there to offer a child than a model of success.