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by Philip Ellis, Ph.D.
We hear a lot about the decline and dysfunction of family life today.
There are many reasons for this breakdown such as changes in societal
structure and value of family life, individual mobility, and an increasing
divorce rate. Families also must deal with the emotional, financial, and
time stressors that confront them. Yet in the midst of all this, there
are clearly families who remain vibrant, healthy, and full of positive
features. These families allow the individuals within them to face day-to-day
struggles with a sense of confidence and strength. How can we make sure
our family fits into this second group? What steps can we take to improve
our family's health? One of the first steps is to educate ourselves about
what traits make a family dysfunctional or healthy.
Common Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families
"Dysfunctional" is a term that has come to represent several meanings for
individuals, families, and other systems. In terms of family life, there
are characteristics that seem to be present in those families prone to breakdown,
extensive conflict, or trauma. The results for family members may be devastating
and may foster the next generation's dysfunction. Some characteristics of
dysfunctional families include:
- belittling, criticizing, or degrading
- breaking promises
- disallowing feelings
- discrediting or minimizing accomplishments, feelings, or needs
- keeping family secrets
- experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
- inflicting guilt or blame
- intimidating, threatening, or inflicting fear
- responding inconsistently
- shaming and withholding love
- operating on a "should" or "shouldn't" system without explanation
or rationale
These characteristics often leave individuals with a poor sense of self.
They may feel guilty, ashamed, unwanted, or devalued. It is also difficult
for them to trust others, to gain a sense of competency in day-to-day life,
and to share openly their feelings and concerns. Their intimacy needs are
frequently unmet, and they have a hard time establishing and maintaining
close personal relationships.
Characteristics of Healthy Family Life
Dolores Curran's Traits of a Healthy Family reports the results of
a survey of professionals in education, the church, health care, family
counseling, and volunteer organizations. Her survey identified fifteen primary
characteristics of a healthy family. According to Curran, the healthy family:
- communicates with and listens to each other
- affirms and supports one another
- teaches respect for others
- develops a sense of trust for each other
- has a sense of play and humor
- exhibits a sense of shared responsibility
- teaches a sense of right and wrong
- has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound
- has a balance of interaction among members
- has a shared religious core
- respects the privacy of one another
- values service to others
- fosters family table time and conversation
- shares leisure time
- admits to and seeks help with problems
Communicating and finding time to share with one another are essential for
a healthy family. It is through this that they support each other, respect
each other, and develop a sense of trust. Humor becomes important in facing
challenges and stressors. It is also important to balance time with family
members. A family's values are reflected when members develop a sense of
responsibility and respect each other's privacy. Rituals and traditions
develop the family's identity. These families find ways of helping others
such as volunteering for a service organization or sponsoring a needy family.
A shared religious core is part of both the rituals and traditions and also
the family's system of beliefs and values. The family becomes the center
of teaching morals, which is far more than just teaching what is right and
wrong. The family is where members learn decision-making skills and develop
values for decision-making.
Steps to a Healthy Family
Family life is the very cornerstone of the development of who we are and
how we see ourselves and others. Disabling and unhealthy dynamics and relationships
can be destructive to both our personal selves and also to the family in
which we develop as we grow up into adulthood. The cyclical patterns and
replication of mistakes are ongoing and far more difficult to break than
we sometimes realize. We often are shocked when we find ourselves repeating
parenting habits we vowed we would "never do to my kids!" Most families
have some difficulties or patterns that may be unhealthy or may inhibit
growth and development. There are many helpful steps we can take to address
current or developing family problems and harmful patterns of family life.
Avenues for improvement within families include:
- listening with respectful consideration
- accepting feelings
- comforting each other and self
- breaking the cycle of denial, secrecy, and isolation
- developing an ability to express oneself and feelings
- developing improved judgment
- developing skills to deal with inevitable conflicts
- learning to take care of oneself and one's family
- healing spiritually
It is helpful for us to consider the characteristics of a healthy family,
assess ourselves and our family members on these characteristics, and
then set aside some family time to develop an action plan for how we will
address any issues and concerns. For many families, just setting the time
aside and assessing the characteristics will be far more than what most
people typically do to address family issues. This is a great start and
may result in some clear areas of potential for change and improvement
within the family. For others, the wounds and damage of unhealthy family
characteristics are well-established and interfere with their daily lives.
These families should begin to explore their concerns and patterns of
behavior as a step to self-renewal and as a way to avoid recreating the
same patterns that produced the current difficulties. They can start the
process with help and input from a friend, a clergyperson, or a mental
health professional trained to work with families and family issues. Improving
your family's health requires effort, but the potential results are worth
every bit of time, work, and energy you and the other members of your
family put into it. A healthy family is perhaps one of the greatest resources
an individual has for personal growth, development, and encouragement.
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TODAY: Strengthening Families
Dr. Philip Ellis earned his Ph.D.
in clinical child psychology from Ohio State University and received post-doctoral
training in pediatric psychology at the Children's Hospital of Michigan.
He joined Pine Rest in 1981 and is chair of the Department of Psychology
and Clinical Director of Hospital-Based Services at Pine Rest. He also
directs Pediatric Psychology and Child Psychiatry at the DeVos Children's
Hospital. Ellis has conducted research and written on child abuse with
an emphasis on sexualized children, family life, and psychotherapy with
severely disturbed individuals.
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