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by Nancy Hollowell, M.S.W., A.C.S.W.
Over the past few years, I have had a considerable amount of involvement
with stepfamilies. It has occurred to me that their lives, problems, and
joys have had a far-reaching effect on their friends and relatives. Communities--including
churches and schools--are learning to respond to the special needs of
stepfamilies. Most of you probably know a stepfamily and may have one
in your family.
Separation, divorce, and remarriage--even after the death of a spouse--are
often difficult for Christians to accept. We believe in the sacrament
of marriage. We believe in the gift of a child from God and our commitment
to parent a child. On the other hand, we love and have deep feelings for
those who are alone. We want them to know the joy of a marital life and
family living. As we try to bring these two divergent beliefs together,
it is helpful to try to understand the complexities of living in a remarried
family.
Let me clarify the definition of a stepfamily, particularly since they
are identified by a variety of names. This is a family in which at least
one of the spouses has been married before and lost his/her first spouse
in death or divorce. Children born in that marriage now live primarily
with one parent, though both parents may have legal custody. When either
parent remarries, a stepfamily results.
Though the number of stepfamilies is continually growing, the members
have a difficult time knowing what to call themselves. They can be "stepfamily,"
"reconstituted," "blended," or "remarried." My experiences with stepfamilies
have sensitized me to some of the concerns and dilemmas that arise. I
also have seen families grow and mature and find the stepfamily experience
of benefit to all.
Probably the first decision faced as a new family forms is what the members
should call each other. Children often clarify "my real mom and dad" or
"my other dad." Some parents try to ease the situation by asking the child
what she or he would feel comfortable in calling the stepparent.
Stepparents also must decide how to relate to their stepchildren. Do
they discipline or give affection to someone they may have only known
a short time? There is often a myth that "instant love" will
occur after the marriage. The reality is that very often the love is only
between the marital partners.
In fact, I have known several couples who did not tell their children
about the marriage until after it had taken place. Some children are not
allowed to attend a wedding though it is well attended by other relatives
and friends, and the children end up being resentful. They are expected
to adjust to changes for which they have had little preparation.
A complicating factor in establishing relationships in a new family is
the grieving that often occurs over the loss of the old relationship.
When a marriage ends, whether it is due to divorce or death, a period
of grieving can occur either immediately or later--even years later. Often,
particularly for children, the denial of the loss of the original family
can last until a new family unit is formed. Many children, parents, and
grandparents hold onto the hope that there will be a reconciliation.
In a loss by death, some family members pretend that nothing has really
changed in their lives until the reality of a new family unit shatters
the pretense. When they can't avoid reality, the process of grief can
begin. Sometimes this surprises everyone in the family, even the people
who are grieving. Those grieving may wonder what is happening to them--and
their families are mystified, too.
The grief process may stop at the initial stage of denial, then reemerge
as anger, turning into resistance and depression. The final stage of acceptance
may not appear for some time. It is not difficult to imagine the conflicts
that arise when children are feeling anger and grief at the same time
that a stepparent wants to establish a relationship with them. When siblings
from two different "original" families are grieving and experiencing
anger and depression and live in the same household, stress and tension
can run high.
Meanwhile, the marital partners who take on a new relationship may still
be involved in their own grief--they may not have resolved the loss of
the first marital partner. That loss may be traumatic. They may feel they
have been cheated out of something that might have been. They can carry
the anger over that loss for years, despite their protests to the contrary.
Though people often tell me they have put that loss behind them, I still
see signs of unresolved anger and of blaming the ex-spouse. This tells
me the grief over the loss isn't as resolved as the person says. Sometimes
the grieving process lasts longer than the original relationship did.
Partners who enter a new relationship may still be feeling pain, hurt,
and anger from the previous marriage. The burden of that bitterness puts
a tremendous strain on the new marriage and all the children involved.
Sometimes the pressure is too great and the second marriage fails. When
we see multiple failed marriages, we suspect that unresolved grief may
be part of the problem.
Children seem to carry the main burden in living within stepfamily. They
must adjust to the coming together of two families, and they often live
part-time in two homes when they visit the non-custodial parent. Visits
with grandparents can add to the confusion as some children have a relationship
with four sets of grandparents. Each house- old has its own rules, traditions,
and expectations. Just keeping track of all the names and relationships
almost requires a written set of directions. Children often have to remember
the rituals of at least two households, as parents have their own unique
ideas about discipline and rules.
To make the difficulties even more complicated--and at time when children
are confused, upset, and even angry about all the changes in their lives--their
parents may not be of much comfort or support. The parent has entered
into new marriage and is involved in developing this relationship, sometimes
giving preference to the marriage. The children may feel deserted by their
biological parent and jealous of and in competition with Mom or Dad's
new spouse. The biological parent is caught in the middle. These parents
tell me they are frequently in a no-win situation. Their loyalty is divided:
they have intense feelings of loyalty to both their child and their spouse.
They feel the competition for their time, attention, and love. Many times
they don't know what way to side as conflicts develop between children
and stepparent.
The situation may become even more complicated if the new spouse does
not have an understanding of normal developmental behavior patterns. The
stepparent may have little experience in parenting and dealing with children.
He or she may lack communication skills, including negotiating and compromising.
When the stepparent also has children who live in the household, the conflict
may escalate. The lumber of individuals involved in the relationship network
seems to increase the number of issues around loyalty.
Meanwhile, the stepparent and second spouse role has its own set of difficulties
and dilemmas. The first issue that usually arises is the feeling of being
left out of the unit that includes only the biological relationships.
One stepparent told me he felt like he was watching a television program
of others living their lives. He was only a spectator.
The new spouse enters the family as a kind of guest at a private club,
without membership privileges. There are subtle ways of letting the new
spouse/stepparent know that biological relatives have a private relationship
that a stepparent cannot share. Frequently a new spouse will come to live
in the home the existing family has occupied for some time. They have
traditions and routines they've observed for years. Pictures and decorations
retain the memory of the previous spouse.
For the new spouse it is like living with a ghost. If the new spouse
makes suggestions for changes, the ideas are usually not welcomed, particularly
if they come too soon. There can be little opportunity for the newcomer
to imprint his or her identity on the family living patterns. While the
biological parents and children joke about memories or previous events
or look through old pictures, the stepparent has nothing to contribute.
How and when to discipline the children is often the most difficult issue
in a second marriage. It usually outweighs all other issues in the conflicts
it causes in a stepfamily. It is more volatile than marital issues, money,
or place of residence.
Often a woman with custody of her children will look for a strong man
to marry and help her keep the children under control. Sometimes a man
is eager to take on this role as "family disciplinarian," believing this
is what he is "supposed to do." A mother who has difficulty setting limits
and sticking to them is relieved to not have all the responsibility. Her
new husband believes he is showing a real commitment to his new wife.
You can imagine how children feel about being disciplined by a stepparent
who may be stranger living in their house.
The biological and stepparents frequently have sharply contrasting views
of what is an appropriate reaction to a specific behavior. Marital partners
are often unsure of the support they will receive from their spouse. Both
parents can feel very much alone, unsupported, and criticized for any
action/nonaction they may take. It is best that the biological parent
implements disciplinary actions. There are exceptions to this rule, such
as when the stepparent is the only parent available at the time or when
the objectionable behavior is directed at the stepparent. There are times
when stepparents and stepchildren need to work out their own conflicts
and strengthen their relationship.
Considering these difficulties, why would anyone want to get into a stepfamily
situation? There can be many benefits. Perhaps the most obvious is that
remarriage brings the family together. Love and commitment are the incentive
that lead both marital partners to endure the frustrations of the remarried
family.
There is also the joy of family living. The new personalities can provide
personal growth for spouses and children. Each age brings a new developmental
change, with subsequent challenges and learning. Whether the challenge
is conflict resolution, problem solving, or learning new skills, a closeness,
a bond is established when you know you have supported--or have been supported
in--an endeavor.
If it is a first experience at parenting or an additional one, each person
brings different interests, ideas, and skills to the family. It is that
feeling of being part of a family unit that brings husbands and wives
closer. It is the pleasure in knowing that each of us has contributed
to our own personal development.
To this point, the primary focus has been on the problems of the remarried
family. Now let's look at some ideas on how to manage these difficulties
to promote the welfare and maturity of the individuals in the family.
The first step in building a healthy stepfamily is to finish the grief
process and let go of the past losses. The grieving process must come
to a resolution; don't bring old baggage to a new relationship. People
need not "forget" about the past experiences, but should recognize
that they are part of their personal history. They should say an emotional
goodbye to past relationships and incidents so they can be free to invest
in new relationships.
People who continue to expend emotional energy in reliving the past have
a difficult time summoning enough energy for the new relationship. I am
always surprised at people who are still fighting their divorce battles
many years after the divorce is final. Many people hold on to anger about
property settlement or visitation rights for years, sometimes decades.
The family that is continually haunted by the ghosts of the past has a
difficult time setting up a productive life of its own.
The second most important task is to establish realistic expectations
rather than try to conform to a stereotype that may be based on myths
and misperceptions. There is a much greater chance that a stepfamily experience
will be satisfying when the members recognize what is realistically possible.
Some of the commonly held unrealistic views are connected to a belief
that stepfamilies are similar to nuclear families. While the two types
of families have some basic elements in common, the structure of relationships
is very different.
Those who enter a new family where there are step-relationships and expect
there will be instant love are very likely to be disappointed. It is difficult
to assure the members will be happy about the changes in living patterns.
Step- relationships take time, patience, understanding, and caring to
help ease the frustration and stress that comes with change. The individuals
will need to discuss, even negotiate, what kind of relationship they will
have with each other. For instance, teens often have a difficult time
accepting a new stepparent as an authority figure, but they will consider
the stepparent as a consultant, confidant, or even a friend.
Parents and children are encouraged to improve their communication skills.
Improved communication--particularly about feelings--can lead to more
understanding, empathy, and responsiveness. Individuals should speak clearly
about their own feelings, what they perceive about the feelings of others,
and to respond in an empathetic, caring way.
Parents and children often need specific instruction about conflict resolution
and problem-solving.
Families also benefit from education about developmental cycles of both
individuals and families. Nuclear families go through very specific stages
and so do stepfamilies. However, the stages are not the same. Couples
who have not been married before start with the couple relationship in
the premarriage days and advance to investment and development in the
marriage. The next stage is family building, which lasts until the children
begin to be launched. When all the children are independent, the couple
is again alone in a stage that is sometimes called "the empty nest."
In stepfamily living, the couple often has no period when they are alone.
They frequently start with the fantasy that putting two families together
will be relatively easy. This usually disappears quite soon, as things
are not as simple as they initially appeared. A feeling of confusion results.
Confusion soon gives way to a stage identified with pain and disappointment.
There is frequently a crisis, often marked by a change in the living situation.
This may be a time, for instance, when a child decides to live in another
household. As a family begins to develop a sense of identity for itself,
a period of stability evolves. This period of coming together can be followed
by commitment to each other and to the family as a unit. It is important
to know and understand these stages to recognize where a family is headed.
An important part of working toward stability and commitment is setting
goals to accomplish tasks that will lead to a desired outcome. Stepfamilies
are busy, with the adults usually being employed and the children involved
in school as well as a variety of other activities. Unless the family
sets specific goals, they can neglect empathy and care as they're lost
in the wake of daily routines. I strongly urge the parents in stepfamilies
to set goals for themselves as individuals, as partners in a marriage,
and as a family unit on a time-limited basis. The goals do not need to
be elaborate, but the family uses them as a self-check to make sure relationships
are not lost or deprived of attention.
For instance, a parent may decide to spend one evening a week with a
particular child. Marital partners can decide to set aside specific times
for themselves. The family can decide to try the idea of a weekly or monthly
family meeting where they can exchange views. These techniques can help
families develop communication and nurturing of each other and to recognize
that each member of the family is a unique and valuable person in the
family.
As in learning any skill, all of this takes time. Each person will have
to learn the value of patience and practice in nurturing these relationships.
As the children mature and become involved in their own marriages and
families, these skills can help them as they parent their own children.
Finally, I'll add this brief consideration of what stepfamilies can realistically
hope to achieve as they stabilize and make a commitment. Some stepfamilies
hope for a strong bond between the couple and freedom for the children
to develop mutual relationships with their family members. This is also
the hope that the children will have freedom of movement between and within
homes without being stressed over loyalty issues. Even more important
is the hope that these families will develop long-term relationships based
on love, caring, and a sense of belonging to each other.
RESOURCES:
Einstein, Elizabeth and Albert, Linda, Strengthening Your Stepfamily.
Circle Pines, Minn.: American Guidance Service, In., 1986
Visher, Emily B., PhD., and Visher, JohnS. M.D., Stepfamilies: A Guide
to Working with Stepparents and Stepchildren. New York: Brunner/Mazel,
1979
Wald, Esther, The Remarried Family: Challenge and Promise, New
York: Family Service Association of America, 1981
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