Single Parenting

by Gale Dunn Volkerding, M.S.W.

Brenda is a single parent with three elementary school children. She works part-time as a nurse to make ends meet. She feels torn about not always having the time, energy, or money to meet the needs of her children. Her kitchen faucet is leaking, and she has not been out with friends for a couple of months. When she does go out with other couples, she feels like a "fifth wheel." How can she arrange to take her son fishing as he'd love? How can she get some refreshing time alone or with a friend when life seems so very busy and demanding? How can she be two parents when she's only one?

Single parents may be such because of many reasons: never having been married but giving birth to children, getting divorced, being separated from their marital partner, being widowed, or by adopting. Although this article focuses on parents who are single because of divorce, many of the same challenges face the entire range of single parents and may apply to other situations of single parenting.

Most parents worry that the divorce is going to harm the children. A study by Judson Landis showed that the emotional environment of the home is more influential on personality development of the children than the particular structure of the family (i.e., one or two parents). His findings support the idea that it is the unhappy marriage or home environment rather than the divorce itself that has the most significant impact on children of divorce (DeFrain 20).

In the same vein, the comfortable adjustment of the parents to the divorce enhances children's adjustment. After the divorce and an ample mourning period (at least a year), many parents can focus more clearly on their relationships with their children because they are less impeded by their feelings toward their ex-spouse. They often rediscover their role as a parent and enjoy their children more.

To better understand the challenges of single parenting, we must first define some important terms. Child custody settlements during a divorce award children to either or both parents in one of three ways: sole custody, joint custody, or split custody.

Sole custody arrangements give one parent responsibility for the decision-making and physical care of the child on a day-to-day basis. The child will spend more than 60 percent of her/his time with this parent.

It is not easy to explain joint custody since there are many variations of the ruling. Two components of joint custody are legal custody (authority about decision-making) and physical custody (responsibility for providing the living situation and decision-making).

In joint legal custody situations, a decision on major issues requires consensus of both parents. For example, parents would decide together on education, religious upbringing, financial matters, medical issues, and vacations.

In joint physical custody, parents must still share decision-making, and the child can share time living with each parent. This time can actually be anywhere from a 50/50 split to 100 percent of the time spent with one parent. For the sake of clarity, joint physical custody is considered active when neither parent spends more than 60 percent of the total time in child care responsibilities.

Living arrangements vary according to an infinite number of different factors such as the distance between parents, creativity, and the flexibility of parents and their jobs. For example, a child may live with Father one week and on Sunday move to Mother's home for the next week, then back to Father's. Or the time with one parent may be as long as six months before moving to the other parent's home. Some parents move in and out of the home where the children stay, and the parents share an apartment alternatively as they move back and forth. As you may imagine, there are many ways to arrange shared responsibilities and time with children--which is one of the unique benefits of joint custody.

Many people think joint custody can't work if the marriage can't work. This is not true. Joint custody is not for everyone, but some couples can work it out. They enjoy the continued support of a co-parent to help more intensely with the children because one of the main complaints of parents with sole custody is a feeling of shouldering the whole responsibility for raising and guiding the children.

Finally, split custody means each parent has custody of some or one of the children. Father may have one or two of the children and Mother may have one or two of the children. Once again, for clarity, we'll define split custody as when the child actually lives with the custodial parent more than 60 percent of his/her time.

Though custody has been awarded to one parent, a child may prefer to live with he other parent and does so without a legal change of the order. I often see young people around the age of 14 who prefer to live with the same-sex parent or the parent with whom they have only spent visitation time. This seems to be a part of their normal growth as they form their identity.

A study published in 1987 sampling more than 700 divorced parents across the United States found that 21 percent had joint legal custody, 73 percent had sole custody, and 6 percent had split custody. Taking a closer look at those with joint legal custody, the researchers realized that a much smaller number actually practiced joint physical custody--only 8 percent of the total sample (DeFrain 266).

A controversial issue is: Who should have custody of the children--mother, father, or both? According to the December 4, 1992, Newsweek, "Men raising their children on their own have climbed from 10 percent of single parents in 1980 to almost 15 percent in 1991." Yet, it is still more common for mothers to receive custody of he children.

There are a few common features in situations where divorced mothers have sole custody. Most note a drop in income. Women usually make half (or less) the salary that their ex-spouse was making and less than half the median income for all American families" (DeFrain 21). The single mother finds financial worries and stress common. Juggling work and chi1dren's schedules as well as home duties is another challenge. Loneliness may have been a problem before the divorce and many times recurs after the divorce. Many women sense a lack of social support.

As Christians, we can help. James 1:27a says: "Religion that God accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress." James Dobson in his tape "Single Parenting" encourages people--through the church and other institutions--to minister to the single parent families, helping with home duties, child care, or modeling for teens by taking them fishing or playing baseball or shopping.

Society has been harder on the female single parent than the single male parent (DeFrain 23). Women are seen as the custodians and caretakers of the marriage more so than men, so when the marriage dissolves, women are often blamed for the divorce and are seen as failures. A divorced man who has custody of his children is seen as heroic and the woman in that divorce is seen as abandoning her children. When the woman has custody, she is rarely seen as a heroine nor is her ex-spouse automatically seen as abandoning his children.

According to the study, fathers and mothers with sole custody had many of the same challenges, stresses, and joys. The main differences were that fathers seemed more confident in their abilities to parent alone than mothers did. Society looked more favorably on fathers. Plus, men make more money. These are distinct advantages for fathers.

On the other hand, mothers usually have preference over fathers in a custody fight. Both parents face the loneliness, overload, and haunting fear that life may not be as good as it could be for their children (DeFrain 25).

Although it is a significant challenge to raise a successful family as a single parent, it is not impossible. What factors or features contribute to a successful or strong family? According to research led by Dr. Nick Stinnett, successful families share six major qualities:

1. Commitment to the family--a genuine bond.
2. Appreciation and affection for each other--sincerely and frequently expressed verbally and non-verbally.
3. Positive communication patterns--open and honest talk with emphasis on strengths rather than weaknesses.
4. Time together--quality time and in great quantities.
5. Spiritual wellness--optimism, mental health, shared ethical or religious values, and a network of caring relatives and friends in the community.
6. The ability to cope with stress and crisis--the family together meets challenges to individuals head on; crisis is seen not only as a troubled time, but also as an opportunity for growth and family unity.

It's obvious the structure of the family is not the major variable determining a strong or successful family. Single parent families can develop a secure, routine, regular schedule and pattern of life as well as a support system to enhance the family's functioning.

Family traditions, even those of planting flowers in the spring, may become even more important to families after divorce (Atlas 51). Some of the exact details may have to be altered to fit into the budget and schedule. Guard against wanting things to be perfect or just like they were before the divorce.

Predictability and routine reduce anxiety and stress in the family. It's important to maintain and emphasize rituals such as celebrating birthdays or holidays. It's important to maintain visitation of a parent in a regular, predictable routine. Children can keep calendars with visitation days circled.

It's important parents keep in mind that regardless of their title of "custodial" or "non-custodial" parent, they are still "Mom" and "Dad." Children need their continued love and support, and parents must remember their unique importance to the child is an essential task.