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by Wesley Schaap, R.N., M.A.
I was interviewed on a local television show about the first "Coping
With Divorce" seminar that I had been asked to help start. The interviewer
asked, "What is this talk about 'coping with divorce'? People are
getting divorced every day, so why this?" To me, this question was
typical of the lack of understanding people have about what a person experiences
when she/he goes through a divorce.
Amy Ross Young, in her book By Death or Divorce, It Hurts to
Lose, writes of her experience with the death of her first husband
and the divorce from her second. She compares the loss experienced through
divorce as great or greater than that through death. This was my experience
as I encountered the pain of losing a spouse through divorce. I look back
now on it as an experience of growth in my life.
I was totally unaware of my wife's unhappiness in our marriage, and the
divorce came to me as a complete surprise. When she told me she had been
to see a lawyer and was filing for a divorce, I was shocked. I felt as
though every support I had was taken away from me. It was necessary for
me to make some decisions and I couldn't do it--decisions as to whether
I should go to a lawyer or where I was going to stay since she wanted
me out of the house. I couldn't even decide which motel to sleep in that
night. I had trouble eating and sleeping. It was five days before
I could get any sleep at night, and I lost fifteen pounds in four weeks.
I just couldn't believe it was happening, and I didn't want to feel the
pain.
As the shock wore off, I began struggling with a variety of feelings.
One part of me wanted to deny that my marriage was in deep trouble. It
wasn't real; it was someone's idea of a joke. I felt there was something
wrong with her, that she was having some emotional changes.
The other part of me was beginning to feel anger, shame, and rejection.
The feelings were overwhelming, and the slightest thing would trigger
them. I was losing control of everything. I was losing my family, all
the decisions in my life, and I felt I was losing control of my emotions.
Initially the feeling of shame seemed predominant. I was raised to believe
that divorce was a grave sin and that it was almost unforgivable. Also,
in my profession, I had used our marriage and my relationship with my
wife as illustrations in my classes. Now that example was in shambles.
Not only was our marriage a failure, I was a failure. I was afraid to
look at people for fear they would see that I was a divorcee and there
was something wrong with me.
As the reality of the divorce became more clear, the more angry I became.
I can still remember the day I was served the divorce papers. I could
not deny it any longer. I felt intense anger, wanting to rip the paper
into shreds. The feeling was so intense I was afraid of what my anger
would do. I felt very vulnerable--and that was just the beginning. I was
angry at many different things. I was angry at my wife, her attorney,
my attorney, the law, and at myself for being blind and stupid and a failure.
The feeling of anger stayed with me for a long time.
The rejection was hardest to take. I was very much in love with my wife,
but she didn't want to be with me any longer. She couldn't give me any
reason except that she didn't love me any more and wanted to live her
life without me. There were times I thought it would be much easier if
she had died--then it would be easier to accept. If she had died, it would
have been God's choice, but now it was her choice and that was so very
painful.
I didn't want our marriage to fail and decided to do everything I could
to resolve the problems of our relationship. I needed to have marital
counseling, but I didn't know whom to go to. The counselor had to be a
Christian and someone I didn't know because he/she had to be someone my
wife would trust. My pastor found one who seemed to meet the requirements
and the bargaining began.
My hope was that with some help we could resolve our differences. I began
what turned out to be eight months of an emotional roller coaster ride
with my emotions tied to the progress or lack of progress in working on
our marriage. When things were going well or when we would have a good
talk, my emotions would be high and it looked like our marriage would
survive. Then something would happen that brought all the hurt and pain
back to reality.
I was no longer in control of my life--my situation and my emotions were.
This went on until it became more and more apparent that my wife was no
longer interested in our relationship. I finally called my attorney to
begin the process of finalizing the divorce. After I made that call, it
seemed like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. I began to feel
like I had some control of my life.
However, that was just one part of the struggle. There was more to come,
and I was beginning my growth through the divorce.
When people experience a trauma of any kind, they have an opportunity
to grown or to stagnate. And I believe my growth began when I took responsibility
for myself. God was very gracious to me during my early struggle by providing
me with people who were supportive of me, who listened to me and my many
feelings. There were people at church who were always there to pray and
listen and to say that I was all right. People at work would say, "Wes,
it looks like you need someone to talk to," and they would give an
understanding ear. I truly experienced "love in action" at Pine
Rest. It was these experiences that helped to begin to believe in myself
and to find the desire to look at myself and make some changes.
After the divorce was final, Stan Hagemeyer, a divorced minister, was
looking for people to help with a seminar for hurting divorced people
and asked if I would be willing to serve as a small group enabler. Since
I didn't have anything else to do, I said I would help and maybe I could
learn a thing or two.
The first session really got me going in the right direction. For the
first time in many months, I felt like I was with some people who understood
what I had been experiencing. In fact, as I heard their stories, they
sounded just like mine. I no longer was all alone. I was with someone
who understood.
The next session had us dealing with our responsibility for the breakup
of the marriage--something I didn't want to do but have found to be the
most beneficial of everything I have done during my growth. I really came
to the realization that it wasn't all my wife's fault for the divorce;
I was responsible for my part in our breakup. When I took responsibility
for that, I knew what I had to change.
Once I knew what my responsibilities were, I could begin the process
of learning to let go. There were many losses in my divorce, and I needed
to grieve for each of them. And after grieving for them, I could give
them up and let them go. The hardest was letting go of the love I had
for my ex-wife, but I believe God again provided the opportunity for that
to happen and that love was able to die. I also needed to let go of the
house in which we had lived together for 12 years and had raised our five
children. I was provided some situations in which I was told the house
was no longer mine. Then one day I drove down the street the house was
on, and I realized I was past it without ever looking at it. I knew it
was no longer my house. Letting go was a long process for me, as it is
for many people who experience big losses. It was three years before I
could say those things or feelings were no longer a part of me.
As the letting go process was going on, I was beginning to have a new
identity. I was learning about who I was as a single person--which was
scary and exciting. I was discovering I wasn't such a bad person after
all. I began discovering I had abilities I didn't realize I had and that
it was fun developing those skills. I was learning new ways of being a
non-custodial parent and then later learned to become a custodial parent
in a blended family.
As I look back over the past eleven years, I can truly say I have grown
in many ways and have a greater confidence in who I am as a person and
as a Christian. I can give thanks to God for what I learned through the
experience, but I also pray that I never have to go through another divorce.
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