Getting Through to Your Teenager

by Jerald De Weerd, R.N., M.S., as told to Valerie Nanninga Engeltjes, M.A.

"It was as if some alien came and took over my son's body. He can be so difficult to figure out."

"You'd think my daughter had a brain transplant. She's just not the same person."

Sound familiar? If you're a parent of a teen, you may have had some of these same feelings. Communicating with your children is always important, whether they're 3 or 30. But the teenage years seem to offer special challenges.

You can describe the preteen years as a bomb waiting to go off within the child's body. You know you're into the teenage years when that bomb explodes and all of a sudden your loving child starts acting very differently. You know then that you have teens in the house.

To communicate with this person who used to be so predictable and still is lovable (most of the time), you need to have some understanding of what is going on within the teen. Be reassured, much of this behavior is predictable.

As a parent, there are some building blocks you can use to make talking with your teen easier. Communication starts with understanding. Realize your children are going through biological changes, tremendous changes. These not only affect teens' personal appearance and development, but have an impact on their emotions.

Teens may react to what's going on in them in a variety of ways. Some just clam up. They're being told so often in school, in their church groups, in the home, that they have to act certain ways and do certain things, they've just about heard enough of it. They see it as criticism. As a well-meaning parent, you may think you're directing and guiding, but they're interpreting it differently. So, some will choose not to participate. Others will communicate all the time and all they do is talk. Sometimes they talk so much you find yourself asking, "What did they say?" Teens are likely to choose very different ways of reacting and they may seem to change daily. Understanding that these changes are normal may help you.

Another building block is staying in tune with your teen emotionally. Most young people have wide and rapid mood swings. One minute they're going to conquer the world and the next they're the lowest creature on earth. As an adult, you can't afford to react to all the mood swings. You have to provide your own emotional stability. Learn to ignore some and to respond to the important emotions.

As parents, learning the language of encouragement serves as another building block. Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates God's own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." God accepts us as we are and we need to learn to accept our teens. Remember, no one is perfect. As much as we love our kids, they are going to have their weaknesses and their strengths, and we're going to respect both.

Here are some principles of the language of encouragement: We're going to live together in mutual respect. We're going to focus on positive behaviors as well as times when teens may need some correction or limits. We're going to expect responsible behavior from our teens. We are going to develop reasonable standards and expectations. We're going to commit ourselves to listen carefully. We're going to take our teens seriously, but with a sense of humor. We're going to appreciate the way they're developing. In other words, we're going to allow the adult that is in them to emerge, realizing it will take time.

As parents, we are the ones responsible for integrating the language of encouragement in our homes in concrete ways. Mom and Dad have the responsibility and right to establish how the family is going to live. They set up the moral code for their family as well as house rules like "turn off the lights if you're the last person up" or "if you mess up the kitchen, clean it up." Teens need and appreciate these guidelines. Plus, it gives you the opportunity to focus on good behavior.

Catch your teen doing something good. This can range from cleaning up the kitchen as house rules state or being on the yearbook staff. Say something like, "We know you spent a lot of time when you were involved in the yearbook. You really contributed to its total success." Concentrate on the effort, not the outcome. If you focus on the outcome, you get into being only results-oriented. Teens need to learn they can make a worthwhile contribution, but they can't always control the outcome. They may have made a tremendous contribution to the basketball team, but the team still lost. Their effort to be a part of the activity was still worthwhile. They used their skills to contribute to the total effort of the group. The fact that the team lost should not diminish their contribution.

Listening carefully means more than just hearing. Sometimes teens cannot or choose not to communicate, so you must learn to "listen" to their non-verbal behavior. Your daughter comes home and it's obvious she's had a bad day because she's slouching around the house. You can say, "I see you're down today." You don't have to say any more. Or your son comes in and is chattering away from topic to topic. If you say, "I can tell you're feeling great today," he may share in a more expanded way what has gone on to make him so happy. Pay respect to your teen's overconcern about some issues, but at the same time, keep a sense a humor and sometimes remind him or her everything will be OK. Acne is not nice, but it seldom destroys.

Don't, however, force your teens to express their feelings. They might not be ready or they might not be capable of stating how they feel. By expressing your own feelings, you serve as a role model and encourage them to tell you how they feel. Mom can be sad one day and happy the next. Mom's moods might not swing as much as the teen's, but we all have good and bad days. It's important teens learn by watching you.

Along this same line, don't ask too many questions. Don't interrogate. Yes, you may feel you're just showing your concern and interest, but your teen may interpret your questioning differently. Kids really want to talk with you, but if you ask too many questions, you don't permit them to communicate with you.

If they ask you a question, however, respond as accurately as possible. If your son asks, "May I go to the party at Bob's house?" an inaccurate response is, "We'll see." A more accurate response is, "I don't know right now, but your mother and I will talk this over and we'll get back with you by supper tonight." Be aware that sometimes teens ask questions--not to make moral judgments or to solve world problems--but to simply find out. They're just requesting information, so give them accurate information.

Paramount in communicating with your teen is taking the time to listen. Make a weekly "business appointment" with your child and give it the same priority of any business appointment you have. It might be a good idea for each parent to take out one child, one-on-one, on a regular basis. You can use this time to ask how your son or daughter thinks you're doing, let them evaluate you. It also gives you a chance to pay attention to what's going on in your teen's life.

This may take some creativity. One mother discovered that her somewhat close-mouthed daughter would only talk when they were standing in line. So the mother picked the busiest restaurant at the busiest time and invited her daughter to go with her. They would have a nice conversation while they were standing in line and then the conversation would continue during the meal. Some teens feel more comfortable talking over the phone than they do face-to-face. You can discover what works best for your family.

One other example of taking time to listen is having a weekly family meeting. Often it's hard to pin teens down because their schedules get so busy. When our children hit their teen years, my wife and I started family meetings each Sunday after the noon meal. From a very practical standpoint, we'd discuss what the next week's activities would be so we knew who had to be where when. This family meeting can develop into a time where family decisions are made such as what you're going to do on vacation. Make sure you keep the family meetings a positive experience.

Keeping communication positive is a key issue and a major challenge for parents. Because teens are trying to establish who they are and develop their own life, often communication deals with problems. It's a fact that many issues during the teenage years are conflictual and they can't--and shouldn't--be avoided. Unfortunately many parents find they are talking about problems most of the time. Therefore, it is important parents learn how to identify which problems belong to them as parents and which are really the teenager's problem.

When you're faced with an issue, ask yourself two questions: "Does this situation violate my rights as a person? Does this situation compromise the safety of my teen?" If the answer to either is "yes," you own the problem and must take action to deal with it. If not, the teen owns the problem.

For example, who's responsibility is it to do homework? If your teen doesn't do homework, it doesn't violate your rights nor is it a safety issue. It's your teen's problem. If you had an eight-year-old, you would step in and give instruction and discipline because the child simply does not possess those skills yet. However, in adolescence, it's the teen's responsibility to develop those study habits and time management skills--and to live with the consequences of not doing the homework. You don't nag them. You don't do their homework for them. So what do you do if your daughter doesn't do her homework and fails a course? The most appropriate--and the most difficult--response is, "You failed English, so you'll have to take it this summer." It's hard to allow your children to suffer the full consequences of their own choices, but as adults that's what happens to us every day. If you try to protect your children too much, you're doing them a disservice.

Another problem area can be clothes and hairstyles. Teens sometimes dress unconventionally, weirdly, even stupidly. If the style violates social norms to the point it is simply unacceptable, it becomes your problem. However, most hairstyles are not dangerous. They may not be what you would choose or they may arouse some attention at church, but they violate neither your rights nor are they an issue of the teen's safety. So, don't get into conflicts over clothes or hairstyles.

Realize that you may be most concerned about your own reputation. As a parent, decide you are going to refuse to become embarrassed by your children's behavior. That starts when they are two and throw a tantrum in the grocery store. It's the same when they are teens. Adolescents need to try different styles because they must be different from adults. They can't find themselves by being mirror images of Mom or Dad. Your son's earring may irritate you, but it's not worth fighting over.

Social situations often present times you'll have to determine if the problem is yours or your teen's. A common dilemma is whether or not your teen should go to a party. Answer these questions: Is it a safe party? Is it going to be supervised? You must take the responsibility to call the parents of the person having the party to find out if it is going to be supervised. Are the parents going to be visibly present? Can they assure you there will be no drugs or alcohol permitted? In other words, if there is going to be alcohol or harmful drugs at the party, it's an issue of danger and it's your problem.

On the other hand, if you are sure the party is one your child could attend, whether or not your teen is invited or whether or not your teen accepts the invitation is not your problem. Your daughter might feel hurt if she's not invited, but that might be the realities of her social group. Whether or not your son wants to attend after he's received an invitation is his decision, and he needs to learn how to make those decisions.

Decide whose problem it is and who is going to take steps. If it's your teen's problem, and he or she has decided to take the steps, stand back. You want to encourage decision-making, a step toward adult behavior. When teens own a problem, resist the temptation to give advice. Brainstorm together, help them come up with alternatives, but allow--and even insist--they make the decision on their own. If they make a good decision, their self-worth will be enhanced and if they don't make a good decision, they, and they alone, live with the consequences.

Communicating with teens requires a careful balance. You don't want to get into the rut of talking only about problems. It's extremely important to talk about other experiences in your son's or daughter's life.

Some parents are up more late nights with teens than they ever were with infants. You may wait for your daughter to return home from a date, not to make sure she gets in by the curfew, but to be there if she wants to talk about her evening.

The next step is to help teens identify the significance of experience. Help them analyze events in their lives. Not only do you want to encourage them to share what happened and the emotions they felt, but you want them to see what was significant and perhaps get them to generalize what has happened to other situations in life. For example, we attended a high school play about Helen Keller. My daughter attended the same performance with her friends. The next day the play provided a very non-threatening way we could talk with our daughter. We could analyze our feelings about the play and our responses to it. We were also able to talk about what it would be like to have a handicapped child within the home. It was neutral ground that led to interesting tangents about other areas of life.

As parents, the hardest part for you is waiting. As you're going through your children's teenage years and you are attempting to communicate, expect frustrations. That's part of the process. And it's very hard to wait. I want to encourage you. Many parents are frustrated, and some get so frustrated they don't think they can do anything. Be careful you don't get so tired you stop parenting before the job is completed.

Stay with it. Waiting can be difficult. Just about the time when you feel you can wait no longer, suddenly an adult emerges from what used to be your teen. There are days as you are parenting your teens that you simply must hold on to that goal and vision. Effective communication will help you through both tough and happy times. The language of love and encouragement is yours to give.