|
by David Stoepker, Ed.D.
"Whew, my child is finally in school. Now I can
get on with my own life and do the things I want to do!"
How many times have you heard that statement? The ages of eight to twelve
have commonly been the least emphasized years in child development. This
has been true in both the study of psychology and in the practice of child-rearing.
Psychology labeled this period as "latency," meaning a time
when past gains were consolidated, but the child's ongoing development
was at rest. It fell between the very young years when changes were fast
and obvious and the supposed reawakening years that occurred with the
onset of adolescence.
The practice of child-rearing often neglected preadolescent children
because they were--in many ways--much less helpless than when they were
younger. Parents could return to work full-time and again become preoccupied
with their personal interests. With less time together, there was obviously
a reduction in parent/child communication.
Now psychologists believe this stage of life is just as important as
any other in a person's development. And, because it precedes the turmoil
of adolescence when parent/child communication is so often confusing,
it is necessary at this earlier age to set in place good communication
patterns.
You can maximize effective verbal interchange between you and your eight-to-twelve-year-old
children by considering the developmental tasks and adjustments that face
children. Barbara and Philip Newman in their text Development Through
Life: A Psychosocial Approach on psychological development clarify
what the tasks are: social cooperation, self-evaluation, and skill-building.
"Why can't I have one, Mom? All the other kids
at school have one. I'll be the only one who doesn't."
Social cooperation involves your child's sensitivity to input
from peers, relating to a best friend, and team participation. Understanding
each of these three aspects can guide you if you're uncertain what
you should talk about with your children as well as how to
converse with them.
Sensitivity to input from peers means that peer pressure begins to have
an impact on your child at this age. While we realize this is necessary
to help children gain awareness of others' viewpoints, many parents dread
the process of peer pressure. It is frightening because it means the influence
of the parent is modified and reduced by what friends say and do. Remember,
however, at this age parental opinions still carry the greater weight
though your child may question them.
To promote effective communication, acknowledge the differing opinions
and, as necessary, explain the reason for your own position briefly and
simply. There is no need to argue with your child or expend great effort
to convince him/her you are correct.
You should not only respond to your child's inquiries, but may ask what
peers are doing or saying about a variety of issues. Although the depth
of conversation will be deeper with the twelve-year-old than with the
eight-year-old, topics may include drugs, religious beliefs, sex, clothing,
music, TV, entertainment, and political choices.
Keep in mind peer pressure; these important talks have the most impact
if you carry them out in private. If the talks are done in the presence
of your children's peers, they may listen only minimally, be silly, or
act belligerently to impress their friends, get their friends' attention,
or avoid being embarrassed in front of them.
It is especially important to seek a private place away from your child's
friends when you administer discipline. When you discipline, talk in a
kind--though firm--tone or voice with love in your eyes and a gentle touch.
Avoid name-calling.
Be creative in devising ways to talk with your child one-to-one. Periodically
taking your child out to eat--such as a Saturday morning breakfast--provides
a great conversation opportunity. Having devotions and praying with your
child not only sets up a good habit, but is the perfect chance for meaningful
communication alone about very important beliefs. Many children like to
go along when a parent runs errands thus creating another time for one-to-one
talks.
Relating to a best friend is a second aspect of social cooperation. Harry
Stack Sullivan, eminent psychologist, placed great emphasis on this aspect
in his personality theory and referred to it as the "chum stage."
The child's best friends will be his or her same gender. There will be
a wide range of options from which your child can choose when selecting
a best friend, therefore it is important that during those special private
talks you discuss what your child should consider when picking friends.
To foster an open atmosphere when you and your child talk about friends,
it is helpful if you encourage your child to invite the friend over for
family meals, for sleep-overs, and to go along for family outings--including
church activities. Also attend events such as concerts and other entertainments
with the children and their friends to be aware of subjects to discuss
later one-on-one.
The third aspect of social cooperation is team participation. Topics
of conversation in this case include talks about sportsmanship, making
personal sacrifices for the benefit of the team, handling losing, and
coping with teasing from peers when your child makes mistakes. Practicing
together for the game or driving your child to and from the game are great
opportunities to talk about these issues.
"Dad, I got an F on the math homework. I'm no good,
and I'll never be any good. I'm just a big failure."
The second task for this age group is self-evaluation. This task
is so important because it is obviously connected to that psychological
concept known as "self-esteem." During the eighth through twelfth
years of life, people set in place whether they will approach life with
self-confidence or feelings of inferiority. Some combination of both is
the typical outcome.
For children to gain a realistic and positive sense of self, they need
frequent feedback about their performance at everything they attempt.
This says a lot about communication because it means you need to be available
to watch and comment about everything your child does. Therefore, you
can relate to your child by undertaking with him/her the responsibilities
of chores, sports, activities, and school work.
Being nearby or working with your children gives you chances to frequently
praise them. Praise and feedback should be very specific and practical,
and it helps to let your children know often how proud you are of them.
Telling children often that they should have done better teaches them
to believe they can never match up. Instead, look for what pleases you
and let your child know how satisfied you are.
There is an indirect form of communication that can also have an impact
on children at this age. It has to do with what they overhear parents
and other authorities saying about them to other adults. They may not
seem to be listening, but they do hear and remember what is said. Thus,
occasionally, when you are within earshot of your child, tell your spouse
or an adult friend how proud you are of your children and what they have
done that pleases you. Adult-to-adult criticism of children and other
people should not be done in your child's hearing. If that happens often,
it can have a very detrimental impact on the children's sense of self-worth
and how they believe others perceive them.
"Hey, Dad! You want to play catch?"
"Mom, will you please help me with this English assignment?"
The third task children must accomplish during their eighth through twelfth
years is skill-building. Children begin to learn fundamentals of
the numerous skills they will use in their lifetime. These include intellectual,
artistic, and motor skills.
As the child develops intellectual skills through school work, the parent
who works with the child on her/his studies will have another opportunity
to promote their communication. Not only does it require talking with
each other to get the correct answers, but it provides you an opportunity
to interject your values and beliefs as they relate to the subject matter
being studied. For example, you can contrast the family's religious beliefs
with those of a people in the foreign country about which your child is
learning.
Two major skills developed during this age are reading and writing. Children
love to practice these skills by reading and writing letters and notes.
You may find these little compositions written just to you at any time.
Children also love to find notes written for them in lunches, under pillows,
in clothing, or in any other special hiding place. The content of the
notes can include your love for your child, the pride you have in a particular
accomplishment of your child, or the appreciation you have for something
your child has done.
As children get older, they may include increasingly important information
in the notes to parents--apologies, for example. To keep this line of
communication flowing, acknowledge the notes and let your child know you
appreciate receiving them. You can do this verbally, in a note saying
"thank you," by hanging the note up (if appropriate) in a public
place such as on the refrigerator or by showing your child how you retain
the notes as keepsakes in a special place.
Your child's reading and writing skill development can also lead to enhanced
communication in other ways. Children like to create stories, poems, and
plays so you can talk to your child about spiritual beliefs and other
values and concerns by formulating your own composition in return. Cover
issues like drugs, friends, entertainment, etc. You and your child could
even combine your efforts in developing a story, poem, or drama. For example,
your child could write the child's lines and you write the parent's lines
or vice versa. Together you could write a letter to a political representative
about issues that relate to family values.
As the parent, you ought to--as much as possible--work with your children
as they work on projects that make use of their new skills. This not only
gives an opportunity for you to give the much-needed feedback, but it
also provides an opportunity to talk about important issues in your child's
life in a relaxed setting. For example, a father can work with his son
on a model car. As they work together they can talk about, not only the
best way to apply glue, but the conversation could easily turn to the
hurt the boy recently felt when another child at school called him a name.
Or maybe the mother as she washes dishes with him, may not only talk about
the best way to stack the drainer, but also about how proud she was that
he turned off the TV when a bad program came on, even though the neighbor
boys wanted to watch the show.
Parent/child communication during the ages of eight through twelve can
be very enriching and enjoyable. The range of topics that you and your
children can discuss is broad and the methods you use to communicate can
vary almost without limit. Good communication at this age is vitally important
because it enhances the relationship between you and your young children,
it establishes a pattern you can use during your child's adolescence,
and it helps promote your child's self-esteem.
|
