Parent/Child Communication

by Kevin E. Brown, PhD.

Communication is a word we intuitively understand, but might find difficult to define in specific terms. In general, communication involves sending and receiving information with some intended action desired. Most of us are aware of the language (or verbal) component of communication, but less aware of the non-language (or non-verbal) aspects of communication.

Both components of communication are important in the interactions between children and their parents. Unfortunately, perhaps, children's verbal and non-verbal aspects of communication do not develop equally and make the task of communicating with them a real challenge.

In looking at communication between parents and children, it is important we take a developmental approach, which acknowledges the varied attainment of communication skills we see from the time of birth to adulthood. Being aware of the changes that occur in communication skills across the childhood period can make us more effective communicators with our children.

Believe it or not, communication with children starts at the time of birth. It is at this point the unequal development of the language and non-language aspects of communication are most apparent. The young infant has no ability to interpret and act upon verbal language. Likewise, the young infant is unable to communicate with us using the spoken word. Therefore, the non- verbal aspects of language assume a primary role in the communication between infants and their parents.

The infant communicates with us through such actions as crying, being physically restless, cooing, and displaying that ever-pleasing smile. It is quite clear that infants send strong messages with a specific intent that parents easily interpret.

As an example, when an infant cries, a message of distress is communicated to the parents, and then they generally provide the desired response of holding and comforting the child. In the process of responding to the infant, the parents are sending their own very clear message. That is, they are communicating to their infant that they will respond to the child's needs and will care for and love the child.

The most important aspect of communication with infants is providing frequent non-verbals that let them know we are there for them. We do this most effectively by frequent touching, smiling, having eye contact with our babies, and using gentleness in our verbal tone and expressions. Don't underestimate the role of non-verbals during this early stage of development. In addition to being comforting and soothing, non-verbals provide the very basic foundation of self-esteem and self-adequacy that the growing person is going to carry throughout life.

Around the age of two, a child's language begins to develop, with the acquisition of skills coming quite rapidly. It continues to amaze scientists that the attainment of language occurs so rapidly and completely by the age of six-- and all of this happens with no formal education in language. At the beginning of this period of development, we see the very primitive one- and two-word verbalizations of the young child. Very quickly children progress to speaking in complete sentences that are structurally and grammatically correct.

While we can be amazed at the rapid attainment of language skills during the period of development, we often have the mistaken tendency to assume children's cognitive skills have developed at the same rapid pace as their language skills. This can lead us to talk to children in an adult-like fashion and expect them to interpret and aict upon our messages as we would expect in adult to. When children fail to meet these expectations, parents frequently feel frustration and anger and are left with the mistaken impression they cannot communicate with the child.

We need to keep in mind that children's cognitive skills are not as advanced as their language skills. The burden remains on the adult to make sure children have correctly absorbed and interpreted the message the adult sent verbally. The best way for you to accomplish this is to ask children what message they heard and what meaning this message has for them.

Some examples of clarifying messages include, "What did Mommy ask you to do?" "What's the rule about cleaning your room?" "When are you going to pick up your toys?" Avoid asking children if they "understand" what you said because they may not understand the word, or they may understand what you said--but in their own unique way.

As good communicators with our children, we as parents need to know our messages have been received and interpreted properly before we can have any expectation that our child is going to act upon our message in the desired way.

Clarification of messages, which begins during this period, becomes a central aspect to good communication between all people regardless of age. Children's attention span during this period of development is also important to keep in mind as we communicate with them. Typically, children between the ages of two and six have limited attention spans and therefore are not skilled at paying attention to lengthy explanations and discussions. Shorter, more direct communications with children during this period are likely to be more successful than are the lengthier ones, which will tend to foster lack of attention and ultimately lack of proper response to the message.

Remember, the goal of good communication is that there be a desired response to the message being transmitted. If the message we are transmitting to our child is not adequately received, then there is no hope of the child producing the desired response. This leads to a great deal of frustration-- not only for the parent, but also for the child who is left baffled in terms of what response the parent desires. Remember the old axiom of keeping things short, sweet, and to the point.

As a reminder, the non-verbal aspects of language, which were paramount during the period of infancy, remain important during this phase and all other phases of development. Throughout our child's development, we continue to send non- verbal messages reflecting our acceptance and love for the child. Communication skills advance sequentially over development, but are also cumulative.

As children enter the school years, their attainment of more advanced thinking skills (i.e. cognitive skills) begins to match their language skills. At earlier ages, children may have had a fairly big vocabulary, but what was missing was their understanding of the meanings of all the words available to them. With formal education comes a tremendous expansion in the understanding of the meaning of the words.

Also during this period, there is an expansion of children's attention spans, which allows them to attend to tasks for longer periods of time. While this might allow for some lengthier discussions with our children, it does not make lecturing an effective form of communication. What remains lacking during this period of development is children's ability to reason at more advanced and abstract levels. Expecting children to understand hidden messages, deeper meanings, and advanced concepts is probably expecting too much and could possibly lead to ineffective communication between parent and child. Continue to clarify the messages you send to your child. During this period, it becomes important to clarify the messages your child sends you. Because their understanding has expanded and their language skills are already well-developed, children are capable of sending complex messages. Seek clarification and feedback to assure that you can interpret the message accurately.

Repeat back to your child what you have heard, paying particular attention to the feelings he or she is conveying. Ask your child to think through some solutions with you and choose one that is acceptable. An example is when a child sends a verbal message of resisting doing some chore, but the hidden message is a feeling of being left out of an activity with friends. The parent could point out an understanding of how important the activity is and work with the child to come up with some solution (such as the parent helping the child, agreeing to do the chore at a specified later time, etc.).

As children approach the adolescent years, their language and thinking skills begin to parallel each other and approach the sophisticated level of the adult. Nonetheless, while children's skills are quite advanced, developmentally and experientially, they are not adults and therefore it is unreasonable for us to assume they will respond as adults. We need to continue all of our previous communication habits with the older child, but we can expect the older child to become an active participant in the clarification process of communication. It is reasonable to expect older children to figure some things out for themselves, and if they are unsure, to seek feedback on their own to clarify messages. In short, as children get older, we expect hem to become much more active participants in the verbal component of communication.

There are general rules of communication that do not lend themselves readily to the developmental approach of this article. I would like to summarize these briefly. In the non-verbal area, we must constantly be aware we send positive and negative messages in non- verbal ways.

During the period of infancy, non- verbals are the only form of communication available between parent and child, and therefore they are highlighted during that period. However, non-verbals remain important in our interactions throughout life. Facial expressions, body language, voice qualities, and touch are all forms of non-verbal communication. Pleasant facial expressions marked with smiles and good eye contact, body language that indicates openness and receptivity, voice qualities that are soft and gentle, and frequent gentle touching are all positive ways of non-verbally communicating with our children and other people.

Harsh non-verbals send messages of anger, lack of acceptance, non-caring, and disapproval. These strong negative non- verbals can effectively block communication and--more importantly--have a severe impact on our relationships with others. Also these non-verbals for children have a potent impact on their developing self- esteem and sense of self-adequacy.

We also need to be gentle in the content of our verbal expressions. Approaches that reflect harshness such as name-calling, sarcasm, yelling, and demeaning all send messages that are hurtful and diminishing to a person's self-esteem. Important also is the fact that these verbal communications do not promote respect between people. This lack of respect will often lead to uncooperative behavior. It is easy to see, then, that this type of communication would be ineffective because it does not lead to the desired response. Gentler verbals and non-verbals of communication promote a sense of respect and, therefore, increase the likelihood of the desired response.

We must be aware of the impact of our communication on others and of our role in any ineffective communication we have with our children and others. We have to work hard to improve our skills and become effective communicators.

Communication skills, like any other skill, require good teaching and lots of practice. The most significant teachers in the lives of children are their parents, and the greatest lessons are learned by what they see and hear from their most revered teachers.