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By Cherie Atkinson, O.T.R.
"Mom!" cried a fourth grader, running into the kitchen after school,
"Do we have any potato chips? You've got to go to the store! Our
lunch table is having a potato chip party tomorrow, and if I don't bring
any, I can't sit with the others!"
How many times have we as parents emphasized "it's OK to be different;
you don't have to be the same as everyone else at school" only to be given
that "they-don't- understand" look from our children? It's easy to say,
"Don't let peer pressure get to you," but how do we help our children
be themselves?
Our goals are clear - we want our child to be confident, successful at
school, and build healthy, meaningful relationships with others. But many
of us are uncertain of how we can best help our children overcome the
many obstacles in their way.
Being different often means non-acceptance to children. In the middle
years (6-12) especially, playmates' feedback can strengthen or weaken
a child's image of him/herself as an adequate person.
As parents, it is difficult to see our children so influenced by their
peer group values, but it is a normal and necessary part of development
they must successfully deal with if they are to feel self-reliant and
confident about themselves as individuals. Teaching our children assertive
skills can help smooth their passage through these years.
Teaching children assertive (or prosocial) skills at home and in the
classroom causes young people to become more responsible for their own
behavior, to make intelligent choices and decisions, and to develop a
genuine sense of self-respect for others and themselves.
For children, "assertive people" can be defined as people who
respect themselves as well as others. Assertive young people behave in
responsible, honest, and straight- forward ways by recognizing their rights
and respecting the rights of others.
The first lesson to teach our children is their personal rights and the
responsibilities that go with them.
Children's Rights/Responsibilities
- To be treated with respect and to value others, as well.
- To be treated fairly and to be fair to others.
- To be free to express positive and negative feelings, thoughts, and
opinions in a responsible way. (Must think before they speak.)
- To control their own bodies and to be free from abuse with the responsibility
not to touch others inappropriately or to physically harm anyone.
- To let their needs be known, but to not always expect to get what
they ask for.
- To be themselves and accept differences in each other such as skin
color, size, gender, ethnic background, and personal beliefs.
- To say "NO" when someone asks them to do anything harmful,
illegal, dishonest, or against their own beliefs.
- To have their property treated with respect and to take good care
of others' property accordingly.
One of the most common places for children's rights to be repeatedly
violated is on the playground at school. It is here where a child struggles
to learn how to get along with her/his age mates and achieve a sense of
belonging in a peer group.
Assertiveness training can better equip a child to acquire the social
skills needed to emotionally survive the difficult situations that occur
between peers. When children are nonassertive, parents and teachers may
observe either passive or aggressive tendencies.
Passive children may lack friends because they're not outgoing. Passive
children often lack a broad repertoire of social skills. They avoid situations
where they have to speak up and express their opinions. Self-esteem is
usually low, and passive children are often victimized by more aggressive
agemates. They may not stand up for their rights and may allow others
to dominate them in a demeaning way.
Passive young people have a difficult time asking for what they need
from their teachers-whether that means going to the bathroom, asking for
a seating change, or requesting the teacher to further ex- plain a difficult
lesson. Picture a first grader on her first day of school, sitting with
an unopened bag of Doritos from her lunch on her desk because she is too
embarrassed to ask the teacher to show her how to open those tricky little
sealed bags without crushing the contents. This is a fairly common scenario.
Aggressive children, on the other hand, are not accepted by their peers
because of the lack of respect they show others, such as name-calling,
ridiculing, being physically abusive, threatening, or intimidating. They
may be loud and pushy and have a difficult time listening to another person's
ideas. Aggressive boys are often labeled "bullies." Girls can be bullies,
too, but usually not in the physical sense. More likely they cut classmates
with a word or a look or exclude them from a group.
The aggressive child often accumulates a host of hurt, angry, and frustrated
feelings and lets them out at the least productive time. For example,
a teacher tells a boy to be quiet and he responds, "I don't have to!"
This confrontation in front of the class has a predictable outcome-a trip
to see the principal.
Parents and teachers can do a variety of things at school and at home
to promote assertive behavior. Role-playing is not only a good learning
experience, but it can be a lot of fun, too. For instance, at the dinner
table, have a child ask for the catsup aggressively (like Brutus from
"Popeye," or Skelotor from "He-Man," or the evil Queen from "Sleeping
Beauty"). Talk about the consequences of asking for something aggressively
("Gimme that red stuff or else!"). Next, have your child ask for the catsup
passively ("Um, er, ah, could you please ... oh, forget it").
Teach your children that asking for things aggressively or passively
means they take the chance of not getting responded to positively. Again,
have your child ask to have the catsup passed-this time assertively. Ask
them to be direct, courteous, use good eye contact, and in a respectful
manner say, "Please pass the catsup." Teach your children that asking
for things assertively increases the likelihood they'll get a positive
response to their request.
Remember, however, to remind children that assertive behavior does not
guarantee they'll always get everything they want. They always have the
right to ask for what they feel they need, but other people also have
the right to refuse the request if they feel it is not warranted.
Other easy-to-do role-play games for teachers and parents are "What would
you do if..." Have children role-play how they would react if asked to
do something they felt was harmful or wrong. Inform them of their rights
and have them stand up for them. This exercise helps children build a
repertoire of assertive verbal skills from which they can choose to overcome
difficult situations with peers when they do occur.
Being aware of and expressing one's feelings is an important aspect of
assertive behavior. Get your children accustomed to "feeling talk." For
example, "How did you feel about not being picked princess for the school
play at tryouts?" "What was your favorite part about your day?" Share
things about yourself with your children. Let them see you as a full human
being who has many different feelings. Tell them what makes you proud,
happy, or sad. Be sure to share the positive feelings you have toward
them, especially when they display prosocial behavior. For example, when
brother and sister are playing together nicely, you could make the comment,
"Now that's what I call cooperation. I like that." (And then leave the
scene before they decide to show you what cooperation isn't.)
Use "I messages" when you are upset with your children's behavior. Avoid
using "You messages." When you've just tidied up the family room and five
minutes later it looks like a cyclone went through it, try not to say,
"You kids are a bunch of slobs. You don't appreciate anything I do around
here." This teaches children to namecall and ridicule when they are angry.
"I messages" have three basic parts. There's an easy formula to help
you. "I feel [feeling about the behavior] when [be specific].
I need (or prefer) _____." A variation is "I feel [feeling about
the behavior] when [be specific] because _____."
Here's how it works: "I feel frustrated when I just get through
cleaning up the family room and its all messed up within minutes because
I feel taken for granted when this happens." An assertive "I message"
lets your child know it's the messy behavior you dislike, not the child.
This statement also allows children to better understand your feelings
and make changes because they respect you. Likewise, feel free to use
positive "I messages." For example, "Sarah, I sure appreciate your picking
up your room without being asked; that really helped me out."
The following is a true story told by Karen Klemm (a cast member of Pine
Rest's Pine Tree Club, see sidebar to right) about a poignant episode
shared by one of her young friends.
Jessie, 9, had been "best friends" with her next-door, neighbor, Marcy,
also 9, for most of their young lives. But, as children continue to strive
for identity and inclusion, Marcy "regrouped" and became inseparable
from a new friend, Terry. And, because children often make exaggerated
demonstrations of camaraderie, Jessie found herself snubbed, ignored,
and excluded quite ruthlessly by the two new friends. Understandably,
the experience was very painful. Occasionally Marcy would call Jessie
to play-but it was only those times Terry was unavailable. Jessie often
played, but felt used and second-best. One Sunday, after reviewing the
basics of assertion-expressing honest feelings and remembering the Golden
Rule of respect-Jessie told Marcy she would not play with her anymore
because she didn't like the way she and Terry treated her. She said she
didn't feel good about herself when she played substitute friend when
Terry was gone.
The solution Jessie chose for this most difficult and universal childhood
dilemma maintained her own self-esteem and did not damage or degrade the
dignity of her former best friend. It also caused Marcy to re-evaluate
her behavior. This episode has a happy ending six months later. Although
Jessie and Marcy are not close friends, they occasionally play and always
treat one another amiably. And Jessie learned an important lesson through
the experience of coping with the complexities of human relationships.
An equally important part of assertive behavior is letting people know
when they've done something positive and that you care for them. Compliment
your children for using their heads instead of their fists. One day my
second grade son, Brian, found himself in a tense situation. Another child,
new to the school, had his fists tightly clenched at my son's collar,
ready to hit him. Instead of resorting to physical measures, Brian used
his sense of humor. He grinned, looked into the other child's eyes, and
teased, "Hey! You wouldn't want to hit a fellow second-grader, would you?"
The aggressive child mumbled a half-hearted verbal assault and let go
of Brian's collar and walked away. When Brian told us this story, we commended
our son for using good judgment (and secretly thanked God for looking
after him).
As parents, we need to take the time to listen when our children have
positive or negative experiences. When we listen without judgment, we
teach them it is OK to discuss their feelings. Statements such as "it's
ridiculous to be afraid," only shut the door to good assertive communication.
Parents can be good models of assertive behavior by showing respect to
each other. By being honest, direct, and sincere to our marriage partners,
we teach these values to our children.
Try not to take over all your children's problems. Be there for support
and guidance, but depending on the situation, en- courage them to be responsible
for solving their own problems if possible. (It goes without saying, there
are times when we have to step in as parents to protect our children's
rights from being seriously violated, especially if they are being physically
or emotionally harmed.)
Encourage children to make goals and decisions for themselves. Start
with easy ones at an early age ("What sweater would you like to wear,
the red one or the blue one?") to more complex ones. Let's say your son
is being frequently harassed on the bus by another student. It's getting
to the point your son dreads going to school. Inform him of his basic
right to be treated with respect and give him some options on how to handle
this difficult situation:
1. He can assertively ask the student to stop the specific behavior ("Quit
kicking me.")
2. He can make sure he sits with another group of children or right behind
the driver, if possible.
3. If the peer continues to bother him, he can ask the bus driver
to intervene.
Have your son decide which option he is most comfortable with and try
it out. Helping children develop alternatives and choosing which is best
makes them feel confident and respected.
Finally, help your children be themselves. Cherish them with the same
respect you want and focus on their positive qualities. A healthy self-esteem
is synonymous with assertive behavior. When children feel special, they
feel more free to be themselves, and they are respectful, honest, friendly,
and fun to be with.
Additional Resources
Your Child's Self-Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs. Published
by Doubleday Dolphin Books, Garden City, New York, J975.
5omefimes lt's O.K. to be Angry by Dr. Mitch Golant with Bob Crane.
Published by Tom Doherty Assoc. Inc., New York, 1987.
*Liking Myself by Pat Palmer, Ed.D. Published by Impact Publishers,
San Luis Obispo, CA, 1977.
*The Mouse, The Monster, and Me: Assertiveness for Young People by
Pat Palmer, Ed.D. Published by Impact Publishers, San Luis Obispo, CA;
1977.
*Teacher's Guide Avllilable
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