Conflict Management

by Mildred Tickler, RN, BA

Whenever two people live or work closely together, there is bound to be conflict. In fact, the

more closely the two lives are intertwined, the more likely the friction and the hotter the sparks. This conflict is inevitable because no two people ever came out of the same exact background. There will be differences in ideas and preferences, political ideation, religious convictions, and personality styles. And with all of these differences, sooner or later there will be disagreement.

This kind of conflict is normal and to be expected. It occurs in the most healthy families and in the work places of the most well-adjusted. Being in conflict with others is not a sin, but how we handle ourselves when conflict arises might consist of sinful behavior. We are instructed in Psalm 4:4 to be angry and sin not.

Since conflict is normal and unavoidable, it is necessary for all of us to learn to deal with it. If we don't, we are headed for ulcers-at the least-and quite possibly big-time trouble. In Matthew 5 we are instructed to settle our differences by going directly to the person with whom we have our grievance. Too often we feel intimidated by our adversaries and instead of dealing with them directly, we tell others how angry or upset we are. The conflict handled this way often gets blown out of proportion and small differences become irreconcilable.

If we do get involved in direct confrontation, the common approach is for one person to attack. This results in hurt feelings in the other person which causes him/her to put up the defenses and fight back. When both parties engage in this negative approach, not only is there little likelihood of settling the dispute, but feelings will likely be hurt and the rift in the relationship will widen. There is a better way to manage conflict. First we need to understand some basic principles.

We all have a need to feel successful at what we are doing. This need is unique and personal for each individual. In my desire to feel successful as a wife and mother, my list of needs may differ from the list of another woman with an equal desire to be successful in the wife and motherhood business.

When someone behaves in a way which frustrates one of my needs, we will have conflict. If one of my needs is to have my kitchen reasonably neat between meals, and my husband and/or children eat frequent between-meal snacks and leave their mess, my need will be frustrated and I will have very strong feelings.

I can handle this situation in one of three ways. I can choose to CHANGE MYSELF. I can decide it is all right for them to do this and I will cheerfully and silently clean up after my family forever. The key word is "cheerfully." This must be a decision I am genuinely happy with and not just my way of avoiding conflict, because denying conflict is as dangerous as storing gunpowder next to the furnace.

My second choice is to CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. If I arrange for no snack food to be available for my family members, they will be unable to make a mess. This would take care of my immediate need, but would more than likely result in some more serious family conflicts.

My third alternative is to attempt to CHANGE THE OTHER PERSON(S) involved. Since I have no real ability to change anyone other than myself, I must find a way to motivate or promote the desire for change in the others. I can only do this by some very open communication.

If I anticipate that my need is in conflict with their need(s), I can anticipate that this will not be just a one-way communication. An interchange where conflicting needs are being dealt with could be noisy and uncomfortable. It could be we will collude to avoid this unpleasantness.

We all avoid conflict at times for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is because we fear the other person's guns will be bigger than our guns. We feel we would be better off to live with the existing situation than go to war because we may end up hurt worse than we are now. Sometimes we avoid fighting because we have been denying our anger for so long we feel it will be like Pandora's box-if we begin to let out a little it will pour out so fast we won't be able to control it or ourselves. Sometimes we avoid fighting because we think it isn't nice, polite-and we're sure it isn't Christian. But whatever the reasons we try to avoid fighting, there are some issues that can't be evaded.

In a fair fight, there are some rules to observe; the conflict must be conducted in an orderly fashion. I encourage fighting by appointment only. No one who is ill, overtired, overwrought with anxiety over another matter, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol can engage in fair fighting. So I might announce to my family that I have an issue to be discussed and we will deal with it at the conclusion of the evening meal.

Another rule for fair fighting is to meet on neutral turf. In this conflict, it will be best if we leave the kitchen (where I probably have more power) and go to the living room. We will not go to the garage (where the power lies with my husband) or the family room with the stereo blasting with all decibels.

The agreed-upon time has arrived and we are all in the agreed-upon place. The interval between announcement of need for discussion and the actual fight time has given me an opportunity for reflection. Just what is the issue? What need of mine is being conflicted? How important is that to me, really? How do I feel about this need not being met? How afraid am I of this fight? Is there a danger I might collude with my family to duck the issue? What changes do I want to see? It is not fair to pick a fight just for the sake of making noise. I must have a solution to propose. I must also be prepared to compromise on that solution.

As problem owner, it is up to me to present my grievance. I must own my feelings and describe the situation that evokes these feelings. I may not preach, harangue, or suggest solutions yet. My opening remarks might go like this, "I'm disappointed that my desire for neatness is not shared, and I'm displeased and disgusted when I have to clean up after you in the kitchen." Now my family has a turn, but they may not respond to my feelings yet. First they must let me know they have heard me. I need to hear them reflect what I said. It can be in their own words but they must have my meaning. "You're just mad because we drank all the milk before supper," does not reflect my sentiment at all. We cannot proceed until I am assured they have "heard" me.

It is now their turn to respond with their needs and feelings. And it's my turn to listen and reflect what I hear them saying. This approach slows things down considerably until you get the hang of it. Once both sides of this grievance are aired, declare a break in the action.

This is a good time for each of us to review. Now that I have heard both sides of the issue, do I still feel as strongly as I did? Is it still worth fighting about? What have I learned about the needs and feelings of the other(s)? This break may take from three seconds to several hours-depending on the issue and intensity of feelings. I must be careful not to postpone resumption of the battle too long or a resolution may never be reached.

After I have presented my proposed solution, the other(s) are invited to suggest modifications until we all agree on a workable solution. We will need to set a date and time to review this trial solution. Write the appointment down so it is sure to be brought up again.

No issue is ever resolved until both parties agree it is resolved. And once it is resolved, it may never be brought up again unless it comes up as a fight issue at a later time. But it cannot be brought out of the historical museum to be used as an exhibit in another fight.

Some other general rules include no name-calling. "Stupid," "lazy," and "incompetent" tend to incite feelings totally irrelevant to the issue at hand.

Stay focused on the issue. No fair introducing other grievances. Save them for their own fight.

Conflicts will continue to arise-at home, at work-in any intimate relationship. They do not have to be divisive and destructive. When you deal with conflicts using the fair fighting rules, you will find your fights actually promote intimacy and growth rather than pain and separation.