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by Charles Fridsma, MA
The "Hi and Lois" comic strip represents an all-too-familiar
situation for some people-those who frequently struggle and are unable
to express themselves in honest and appropriate ways when the situation
calls for it.
Take Helen, for example. She graciously volunteered to help her neighbor
Mary by babysitting each week so Mary could attend church choir practice.
What began as an act of concern and caring evolved into a nightmare for
Helen.
As time went on, Mary began dropping off her children earlier. Eventually
she dropped them off early enough so she could go out and grab a snack
and get in a little shopping before practice. Sometimes she went out for
coffee with fellow choir members afterwards.
Helen never intended for this situation to get out of hand. She wanted
to help Mary, but now she felt she was being used and taken for granted.
She was angry. She was frightened and anxious and just couldn't bring
herself to approach Mary with her feelings. She suffered in silence.
Helen is not alone in her inability to appropriately and effectively
express her feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, or expectations. Many
people identify with Helen in their struggle to be assertive in necessary
situations.
On the other hand, there are those who would have great difficulty identifying
or relating at all with the above scenario. Their tendency and response
would be to angrily spout off and let the other person "have it."
Their aggressive tendencies would allow them to lash out at the other
person unabashedly.
It is not unusual for us to reflect and sometimes struggle as to how
to best handle our various daily interactions. How do you appropriately
deal with a salesperson who is annoyingly persistent? Can you openly express
your warmth, love, and appreciation for others? Have you ever regretted
"losing it" while trying to express your negative feelings?
What do you do when someone cuts in front of you in a line?
For many individuals these examples represent uncomfortable and anxious
situations to which there sometimes seemingly are no satisfying or "right"
responses. Perhaps that is one reason why Assertiveness Training (A-T)
has become so widely accepted and utilized. Assertiveness Training teaches
there are three basic communication styles which all of us use in our
interpersonal relationships. Two of the three response styles, however,
tend to be destructive and ineffective for both ourselves and others involved.
Assertive behavior is the appropriate and most effective way for people
to handle themselves in their interpersonal relations. Behavior which
enables us to act in our own best interest, to stand up for ourselves
without undue anxiety, to express our feelings honestly and appropriately,
or to exercise our own rights without denying the rights of others is
called assertiveness.
The other more damaging and ineffective behaviors we use are called nonassertiveness
(passiveness) and aggressiveness.
Nonassertive behavior is the failure to express our feelings, opinions,
preferences or needs, or to express them in an indirect way. When we behave
nonassertively, we are usually frightened and excessively worried about
such things as being rejected, suffering retaliation, making a mistake,
or hurting someone's feelings. This fearfulness can control our behavior.
The consequences of repeated nonassertiveness generally are destructive.
Anxiety continues to build, self-esteem is lowered, relationships deteriorate
or never get developed, depression sets in, body (physical) ailments intensify.
Other people don't respect nonassertive individuals and can often find
them disgusting and irritating. Others never really know what's going
on with us when we are nonassertive, making them feel uncertain and uncomfortable.
Aggressiveness is a style of interpersonal behavior in which individuals
stand up for themselves in such a manner that the rights and self-dignity
of others are violated in the process. Aggressive people express feelings,
thoughts, and opinions in a way that is explosive, hostile, demanding,
assaultive, or condescending. They give little or no consideration to
the feelings and rights of the person who is the object of their aggression.
Frequently the purpose of aggressive behavior-whether it is conscious
or not-is to retaliate, dominate, control, humiliate, and defend rather
than to simply express feelings and opinions. As such, experts generally
consider that aggressiveness is also based in fear and insecurities. They
see the behavior as masking or compensatory because we are unwittingly
psychologically threatened.
The consequences of aggressiveness indicate that it is an ineffective
style of behaving. Nobody appreciates being the "victim" of
an aggressive person. Consequently, aggressive people will encounter friction,
alienation, retaliation, and rejection. Communications are disrupted,
relationships skewed and undeveloped, and true intimacy is almost nonexistent.
It is often said that aggressive behavior is the "sin of commission"
and that passive-aggressive behavior is the "sin of omission."
Passive-aggressive behavior, which is under the global heading of aggressiveness,
frequently takes place on more subtle and indirect levels. People express
their feelings of anger and hostility in pouting, sulking, sarcasm, gossip,
stubbornness, procrastination, silent treatment, inefficiency, and a host
of other "under the table" behaviors. Passive-aggressive behavior
is a way of getting back at others by "dirty fighting" and not
directly confronting them or dealing with them in an openhanded way.
As was noted earlier, our fears and insecurities, both conscious and
subconscious, are frequently the driving forces behind our passive and
aggressive behaviors. It stands to reason that our level of self-esteem
{the evaluation that we make and customarily maintain in regard to ourselves)
is an important variable in determining how we behave in any given situation.
A person with low self-esteem will tend to gravitate towards and utilize
nonassertive (flight) and/or aggressive (fight) behaviors. A person with
high self-esteem will tend to utilize assertive behaviors more frequently.
Similar to the "chicken or the egg" theory, you might ask,
"Is a healthy self-esteem a prerequisite for assertive behavior or
is assertive behavior necessary for a healthy self-esteem?" The answer
is yes.
Appropriate and effective behavior (assertion) fosters your self-esteem
which in turn encourages further assertive behavior. The flip side is
that when we behave in inadequate ways (passive and/or aggressive), we
tend to end up feeling upset and anxious which sets the stage for more
inappropriate behavior.
During the past 15-20 years Assertiveness Training has gained popularity
and many people have utilized it. Many books have been written about A-T
and work- shops are well attended. Seminaries use A-T for their students,
businesses for their supervisory and managerial staff, therapists and
counselors recommend A-T to their clients, and churches and schools sponsor
A-T classes and seminars.
Because of its common sense and practical approach and application, A-T
can be utilized by everyone. No one consistently conducts her/himself
in an assertive manner. A-T is not just for quiet people or for loudmouths.
It's for everyone.
Remember, however, that A-T is not a "cure-all" for problems.
It is best to look at it as another "tool" which better equips
you to more effectively deal with daily interpersonal relationships. A-T
can help you deal not only with negative situations but also the positive
ones. It helps you be more comfortable in expressing your warmth, love,
appreciation, and compassion both verbally and nonverbally.
There are both positive and negative consequences of assertive behavior.
Assertive individuals enjoy intimacy and love-both giving and receiving
it. They are proactive in their outlook on life and do not become victims
of others' behaviors and intentions. Assertive people usually achieve
their desired goals, enjoy healthy interpersonal relationships, and receive
respect and admiration from others.
On the other hand, assertive individuals may be accused of being selfish
and self-centered. Frequently others misinterpret assertiveness for aggressiveness
and thus they respond negatively. Nonassertive people are intimidated
by assertive ones and may respond passive-aggressively. Aggressive people
are threatened by assertive individuals and they may respond with threats
and vengeance. In all situations, however, assertive individuals try to
remain steadfast in their assertiveness and do not assume the responsibility
for others' reactions to the assertions.
Probably one of the biggest concerns, rightfully so, is whether assertiveness
is compatible with Christian values and beliefs. This concern is legitimate
because most of the literature and research written about A-T comes from
a humanistic or non-Christian perspective. Frequently the thrust is on
how to stand up for your rights and take care of yourself. The goal is
improvement of self. The result is that it becomes an end in itself. Some
people become highly vigilant of their personal rights and become obnoxious
in defending them.
Christian assertiveness broadens the perspective. The goal is improvement
of humanity-of which each individual is a part. When we are appropriately
assertive, everyone usually benefits. It keeps the lines of communication
open. It provides healthy modeling for others. Assertiveness is an "us"
attitude, not a "me" attitude. For the Christian, assertiveness
is a means to an end and not an end in itself. As Christians and as servants
of God who are kingdom builders, assertiveness becomes a responsibility
for us. We really have no choice if we are to be effective as Christians.
We must be assertive in doing and promoting good and also in standing
up against a world filled with evil and wrongdoing.
Perhaps Christ could be seen as a perfect model of assertiveness. He
wasn't afraid to speak out and tell it like it was. He pricked and confronted
people and he "called it the way he saw it." He wasn't afraid
to affirm others, to weep with them, to hug them, and to openly express
his love. His assertiveness made him unpopular, upset many, and eventually
it got him killed.
When Jesus refrained from saying something and appeared "passive"
it was still assertive behavior. His "passivity" was by choice.
In other words, he shut up out of strength and understanding and not out
of fearfulness. When he behaved aggressively (chasing the money changers
out of the temple) he really was assertive because he was in control of
himself and calculatedly chose to use that behavior to make a dramatic
point. He was not out of control and into reactive behavior which is typical
of aggression.
Where do humility and meekness fit in with assertiveness? Think of perhaps
two of the most notable "meek" characters in the Bible-Moses
and Jesus. Then think of two of the most "bold" biblical characters
and again you have Moses and Jesus. Meekness is not weakness.
Actually, it takes a person with a lot of strength (spiritual and psychological)
to be humble and meek. It is a choice one makes to deny him/herself, to
meet the needs of others, and to not think of self as greater than others.
Nonassertive people are not meek. They have no choice other than to defer
to others, to give up their rights, to be used, and whatever else it takes
to be liked and to not cause any controversy.
Assertiveness is not something anyone has to do. There is a choice
of whether you want to be appropriate and effective or not. Assertiveness
is an effective communication tool that you can use with a variety of
other skills. Being assertive doesn't mean others will always go along
with you. It is not a way of being manipulative. It's just a way of communicating
clearly.
Developing assertiveness is a process. You must identify your existing
styles of behavior. You must learn assertive skills and techniques. It
takes practice and the more you try it and do it, the more comfortable
you are using it. Assertiveness allows you to be effective in daily interpersonal
relationships and it allows you to be an effective "doer" in
God's Kingdom here on earth.
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