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by Cindy Hartman, MSW, ACSW
Dawn has spent the entire day cleaning the house, caring
for the children, and running errands. The house is spotless when she
leaves that evening for a church meeting. When she returns, it is a mess.
Marcia had done most of the work on an important project
at her job. Today she found out that the worker down the hall received
the promotion.
Lynn finally worked up the courage to talk with her
parents about her experience of being sexually abused as a child. They
did not believe her.
Sue's son came home two hours late last night and had
been drinking. Just two days ago he had promised her that he would stop
using drugs and alcohol.
These are just some of the situations which may cause women to experience
feelings of anger. Yet rather than expressing these angry feelings directly,
they often ignore and cover their anger with polite smiles, self-doubt
and blame, silence, and emotional outbursts. Anger seems to be a particularly
difficult emotion for women to express. Many women in our society are
unable to even acknowledge feelings of anger in themselves. They may not
trust their own perception of anger. They may instead convince themselves
that they are feeling hurt or sad, or disappointed, or perhaps mildly
annoyed-but not angry .
At a meeting of the American Psychological Association, several psychologists
presented findings on sex differences in the expression of emotions. The
research showed that although there has been much progress in breaking
down sexual stereotypes in the past two decades, men and women express
feelings differently. Men have more difficulty expressing emotions of
sadness, sympathy and distress, while women inhibit expression of anger
and sexuality. Interestingly, the research showed that both men and women
exhibited the same physiological responses when provoked, but identified
these feelings differently. The men usually said they were angry, while
the women usually said they were hurt or sad. The conclusion of Leslie
Brody, a psychologist at Boston University, is that "Although women
don't admit to feeling angry as much as do men, they may feel just as
angry inside."
Why then don't women feel as free to express their anger as men? Part
of the answer seems to be in the early training of young girls. Boys and
girls are raised quite differently. Take, for example, this nursery rhyme:
What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs' tails;
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and everything nice;
That's what little girls are made of.
Little girls, who grow up to be adult women, are taught that anger is
not nice or good, while aggression in boys is permitted and encouraged.
The common female stereotype is of a woman who is passive, nurturing,
caring, noncompetitive, and nonaggressive. Anger does not easily fit into
this cultural picture of femininity.
It is no wonder, then, that women are frightened of their feelings of
anger and experience difficulty in its expression. They may fear being
seen as unfeminine, unchristian, overly aggressive, crazy, or out of control.
They may also fear that, once expressed, their anger would be dismissed,
laughed at, or misunderstood.
Women often fear that their expression of anger is unchristian. Such
biblical quotes like "turn the other cheek" are used to support
this fear. Christian women are to be loving, patient, and peaceful. As
a result, many women conclude that it is a sin to be angry. Mary Stewart
Van Leeuwen, psychology and philosophy professor at Calvin College, stated,
"If women insist on peace at any price-if they settle for an abnormal
quietism as a way of avoiding the risk and potential isolation that may
come from opposing evil-then they are not exhibiting the fruit of the
spirit." Our anger is a necessary tool in fighting evil and correcting
injustice in our world.
Anger is also required to set appropriate limits on how much we give.
According to theologian Valerie Saiving, "a woman can give too much
of herself, so that nothing remains of her own uniqueness; she can become
merely an emptiness, almost a zero, without value to herself, to [others]
or, perhaps, even to God." When anger is expressed appropriately,
it says, "I am of value. My opinion is of value and therefore I will
disagree with you and fight for what I believe is right." Anger can
then be an expression of praise to God for God's unique creation of our
own selves.
Women may also fear they will hurt others by their expression of anger.
Women are raised to be sensitive to the emotions of others and to pay
special attention to those qualities that maintain and enhance relationships.
A woman's sense of self-value is closely connected to her ability to maintain
relationships. If she perceives that relationships are damaged as a result
of her expression of anger, she will experience a lowered sense of self
worth. She may avoid anger to protect important relationships and to maintain
her own I sense of value. The feeling of anger requires a woman to separate
herself from the other person and express differences. This loss of connection
can be frightening.
As a result, many women choose not to acknowledge their anger or express
it directly. But they pay a price for this choice, because anger is never
absent, only unexpressed. Women who do not express their anger directly
may become depressed, bored, self-destructive, dependent, or even physically
ill. Self-respect may suffer as a result of pleasing others at the expense
of being honest about one's own feelings.
When women do not express anger directly, they show it in other, less
healthy ways. They may ignore the feeling of anger. Women may give in
and stuff their anger inside, causing the anger to build. When they ignore
their anger over a long period of time, it can lead to an outburst of
strong emotion. They may break things, scream and yell, or run away. The
past and present anger are all expressed in one large outburst. If women
can allow themselves the freedom to express the feelings of anger as they
occur, the feelings will not build up and finally explode in ways that
feel overwhelming and out of control. Anger is inappropriate when it is
restrained, but when expressed, it prevents increasing resentment and
bitterness.
Another unhealthy alternative to direct expression of anger is self-blame.
Women tend to turn anger against themselves by taking the blame themselves.
This may partially explain why women are twice as likely to become depressed
as men. A strength of many women is their ability to see the other's point
of view. This can become a disadvantage, however, when it prevents women
from viewing their own anger as justified and real.
The silent treatment is a common way for women to avoid anger. Rather
than deal with their anger directly, they may shut themselves in their
rooms or remain quiet for several days. When someone finally asks, "What's
wrong?" the typical response is, "Nothing. I'm fine." Friends,
family, or coworkers are then left to wonder what they may have done wrong.
The purpose of this behavior may be to avoid conflict at all costs. The
silence is to be a clue that something is wrong, without having to state
the anger directly. The problem with this approach is that it is not clear.
The best that can occur in this situation is that the other person will
guess what is wrong and try to correct it. Since most people are not that
perceptive, the more likely occurrence is that the source of the anger
will not be addressed and the problem will continue.
It is a common experience for many women to cry when they are angry.
Women may be so afraid of losing relationships, that expressions of anger
are accompanied with tears, guilt, and sorrow. Crying serves to draw the
other person closer and emphasizes the importance of the other person
to the woman. However, it can distort the expression of anger and confuse
the other person who may perceive the tears as hurt or sorrow rather than
anger. The result is that rather than having their anger heard and understood,
women may find they are being perceived as help- less, needing comfort
or caring.
Although anger is a difficult emotion for many women, it is a common
human emotion that needs to be acted on. Anger is a signal that something
is wrong and needs changing. Anger provides the motivation to bring about
change. When you walk out into the street and see a car coming, it is
important to know that you had better jump out of the way, and it is even
more important to actually do it. So, too, with anger. It is a sign that
we are being hurt, that our needs and wants are not being met, that we
are giving too much, or that others are giving too much at the expense
of our own competence. The response, then, to the acknowledgement of our
anger is to protect ourselves, protect others, and correct the injustice.
Women need to recognize, tolerate, and accept their anger. It can be
helpful to determine the cause of the anger and understand why it occurred.
Anger is more constructive when it is resolved rather than reserved. We
need to be clear and openly confront others with honest, straightforward
reactions when we are angry. We must decide whether expressing our anger
would be worthwhile or a waste of time and energy. We should be selective
in our individual expression of anger and decide to what extent and in
which situations to remain in touch with our anger and how to express
that anger.
Anger offers a potential for change. It does not guarantee change. Expressing
anger in healthy ways does not necessarily mean we will get what we want.
Nevertheless, anger needs to be expressed although we accept that the
other person may choose not to change.
When anger is expressed, the possibility of change is real. In expressing
anger, you allow others to know you, to know what is important to you,
and to know what touches you. This frees them to respond in new ways.
In acknowledging and accepting anger, you are free to construct a new
approach to the problem.
The challenge for women is to accept and express both their loving and
angry feelings. When this occurs, there is a greater potential for individual
growth and competence as well as the possibility of more satisfying and
fulfilling relationships.
Suggested reading:
Harriet, Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. The Dance of Anger. New York: Harper
and Row and Publishers. 1985.
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