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By Judith King, MSW, ACSW
Are you REALly angry? As a Christian trying to follow Biblical principles,
how do you handle this REAL emotion? What does it mean to "Be angry
and sin not," as the scriptures say? Questions, questions, difficult
questions! Ones I find people wrestling with over and over again in my
counseling office, and questions I have personally struggled with as well.
In Ephesians 4:25-27, we are told: "Wherefore putting away lying
speak every [one] truth with [your] neighbor; for we are members one of
another. BE ANGRY AND SIN NOT: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.
Neither give place to the devil."
Susan, a 31-year-old pastor's wife and mother of three, came to Pine
Rest looking for help. As she sat in my office, overcome with hopelessness
and defeat, she told me how desperate she was feeling. She had no energy
left. She was always irritable, impatient, and anxious. She seemed to
be constantly fighting with her husband. Her marriage was in serious trouble.
Most days she felt sick with headaches, upset stomach, and lots of aches
and pains. She feared that she had lost her once vital relationship to
God. Life was bleak.
Susan told me she had experienced some losses and major disappointments
over the last few years. And she had been deeply hurt and wounded by well-meaning
Christians. She believed she had to just "grin and bear it"
and "keep a stiff upper lip," especially in her role as a pastor's
wife.
Sue was experiencing problems in all parts of her being-physically, emotionally,
spiritually, and socially. Nothing felt good anymore. The different parts
of her felt disconnected from one another, discordant and disharmonic.
Dis-Ease prevailed!
What is Anger?
Anger is a basic emotion, a REAL feeling that is part
of our humanness. We were created in God's image, not only as physical,
mental, and spiritual beings, but as emotional beings as well. And we
can be comforted by the fact that, "We have not a high priest who
cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all
points tempted like as we are, yet without sin." (Hebrews 4:15).
On a daily basis we can experience hurts, frustrations, irritations,
disappointments, and indignations-all parts of the feeling of anger. Anger
is often a protection for us in that it signals something is wrong and
needs to be changed. It is usually a reaction or a response to someone
or something, when expectations, needs, or perceptions either expressed
or unexpressed, have not been met.
The feeling of anger is often accompanied by physical responses: a "knot
in the stomach," a "sick feeling," a "numbness,"
a "pain in the neck." Susan had suffered hurts, betrayals, and
disappointments from key people in her life, but could not give herself
permission to feel angry. She blocked it from her mind, making herself
believe that it was not there-while all along it was masquerading and
affecting her whole being.
When Is Anger O.K. and"Not Sin"?
Tim La Haye in his book, Anger is a Choice, says:
"The truth of the matter is that anger in itself is neither good
nor bad. It is just anger. It is an emotion. The problem is not the
experience of feeling the anger... at first. The problem with anger
is the direction in which it leads you. Or better stated, which direction
you allow your anger to go."
It is not the feeling of anger (the "be angry"), but what we
do with it (the "sin not") that is the issue which often gets
overlooked in this scripture. Most people know that anger dealt with in
aggressive ways-hitting, screaming, name-calling, blaming, lashing out
physically and emotionally-is destructive. It doesn't bring positive results
or resolutions to problems. Things get worse. It is easy to see that this
would be "sinning," or as the Greek word implies "missing
the mark," with your anger.
On the other hand, anger dealt with in passive ways-withdrawal, distancing,
the silent treatment, sarcasm, criticism, harboring steaming resentments,
and sweet hostilities-is equally destructive to relationships.
The "silent treatment" is a style of dealing with anger most
of us have experienced either in the receiving or the giving of it. In
his book Good 'N' Angry, Les Carter says:
[Those who use the silent treatment] express their anger in an emotionally
lazy way-rather than confronting others, they opt for the safe way out.
Silent anger is deadly because the object of the anger is not given
a chance to share in working through the problem-it kills personal exchange.
This is not to say that a short time of cooling down before discussing
issues is not good sense at times.
Susan believed she was being "Christian" in her passive style
of dealing with anger. She withdrew from people, used the silent treatment
on her husband, and told herself she wasn't angry (denial), until this
poison of unresolved anger was oozing into all parts of her being.
What Susan didn't realize was that in her passive handling of her anger,
she was sinning. The scripture says "to be truthful one to another."
When we deny and repress our anger, we are not being truthful. We are
being dishonest with ourselves-and others. This then can "give place
to the devil" (Eph. 4:27). We cannot deal with something that we
do not recognize to be there in the first place.
Both passive and aggressive ways of dealing with anger are destructive
in our relationships with other people, with ourselves, and with God.
However, since such passive styles are less noisy and therefore less obvious,
they are more of a trap for Christians, especially Christian women. Our
society allows men to be more verbal and expressive of anger.
The apostle Paul in Ephesians 6 instructs us on spiritual warfare with
admonition to "Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able
to stand against the wiles of the devil" (Eph. 6:11). In other words,
"neither give place to the devil" (Eph. 4:27) in our anger.
I was fascinated as I studied the surrounding verses for the context of
these principles to see listed as one of the pieces of armor the "girdle
of truth" (Eph. 6:14). It is this crucial piece of armor to which
every other piece is attached. It's very important! Can you picture a
warrior with all the pieces of armor flapping around in the breeze, nothing
attached to anything else? How effective would that armor be?
According to scriptural principles, truthfulness in dealing with anger
is an essential ingredient in ensuring that we "do not sin in our
anger and give place to the devil." To "be angry and sin not"
is to deal with anger truthfully and assertively. What's your style?
Why Deal with Anger?
Dr. Theodore Rubin in The Angry Book describes what he calls the
"slush fund of perverted anger." He says: "If anger is
not dealt with in a healthy way, this reservoir of emotional slush poisons
one's system and leads to a state of SICKNESS: physical, emotional, spiritual,
and relational." The emotion of anger can have far-reaching effects
if it is not dealt with productively.
Susan was experiencing numbness in her face and right arm and leg. At
times it felt as if she were having a stroke. Because of this, her husband
had to rush her to the emergency room of the local hospital several times.
Each time she was examined, the doctor said, "No, you are not having
a stroke." There did not seem to be a physical origin for the loss
of nerve feeling that she was experiencing. As she began to deal with
her repressed anger and resolve some of the conflicts related to it, over
time the numbness decreased and disappeared altogether.
Anger can produce physiological changes such as increased heart rate,
increased blood pressure, increased respiration, muscle tightening, and
gastrointestinal changes. These may in turn contribute to DISEASES such
as heart disease, asthma, hypertension, back pain, headaches, ulcers,
gastrointestinal upsets, and skin conditions.
Unresolved anger is one cause of DEPRESSION. As Sue started to talk about
and work through her hurts, resentments, and disappointments, she began
to experience more energy and to feel more hopeful about the future. Her
symptoms of depression decreased. She began to feel some of the positive
emotions again. As the "poison" was released and cleansed from
her soul, there was more space available inside of her to experience the
restoring creative power of God.
Anger is the emotion that can most easily lead to sinful, passive and
aggressive behaviors. These can then lead to DIFFICULTIES in the spiritual
life, a spiritual DEADENING and oppressiveness, blocking the potential
to relate to God and to feel God's presence in our lives. Sometimes when
we pray and find we're getting nowhere, it might be helpful to stop and
ask ourselves if anger is blocking us. Susan found, when she became aware
of this, that this was often the case. Then she could choose to do something
about it.
Anger that is unresolved and hidden can DESTROY relationships with families,
friends, and church fellowships.
How to Deal with Anger? To "Be Angry and Sin Not"
Anger is a REAL emotion. If you are REALly angry, learn
to deal with it in a way that is healthy, life-producing, truthful, and
"not sinful." Remember the four steps to dealing with anger
by the word REAL.
R Recognize it.
E Express it.
A Ask God for help.
L Learn new behaviors.
Susan learned to RECOGNIZE when she was experiencing the feeling of anger.
This was the most difficult part for her, since it had masqueraded for
so long. Sometimes she recognized it through signals in her body. This
became easier to do as she practiced and learned the process.
She gave herself permission to be a human being, with negative as well
as positive emotions. Once she recognized her anger and took RESPONSIBILITY
for it, then she could do something productive with it. She could deal
with it in a truly Christian fashion according to biblical principles
of truthfulness.
She EXPRESSED first to herself, "I'm angry-it's okay to be angry.
Now, what can I do about this?" She EXPLORED what need or expectation
had not been met. Was it a realistic expectation? One that was known by
the other person? One that had been expressed? Or was it unrealistic?
She then assessed herself, the timing, and the circumstances to decide
if she would express it to another person.
The next step for Susan was to stop and ASK God for help-help with the
over- whelming feelings, help with sorting it all through, help for courage
to be ASSERTIVE, and help for whatever else she needed. God promises to
be a present help to us in times of trouble. God hears and honors our
honest prayers of confession and petition. "Please help me, God,
to deal with this anger in a healthy way!" became her frequent prayer.
Over the course of many months, Susan LEARNED some new behaviors that
became easier to do as she practiced them. She was more truthful with
herself. She became more assertive, recognizing and taking responsibility
for her anger. With more energy and an attitude of caring and a sense
of timing, she could resolve the conflicts with her husband in new ways
that produced positive results. In the releasing of the anger, she was
also able to begin the process of forgiveness towards the people who had
hurt her so deeply. Susan LEARNED TO LISTEN to her body and to view these
signals as friendly ones that could tell her something for her own survival.
Anger, perhaps one of the first emotions that the newborn baby experiences
upon entering the world, is an emotion that presents continuing challenges
throughout a lifetime. If not focused and processed productively, anger
can wreak havoc and destruction on humankind. On the other hand, because
anger is such a powerful emotion, it can provide energy to produce positive
change in individuals, relationships, and society.
REAL anger, dealt with in a REAL way, produces REAL people, people who
are becoming more authentic, people who are experiencing more abundant
life as they pay attention to the challenge to "BE ANGRY AND SIN
NOT!" What's your choice?
Additional Resourses:
Augsburger, David. Caring Enough To Confront. Ventura, CA: Regal
Books. 1981.
Carter, Les. Good 'N' Angry. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House.
1985.
La Haye, Tim. Anger Is A Choice. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan
Publishing House. 1982.
Lemer, Harriet Goldhor .The Dance of Ange . New York: Harper &
Row Publishers. 1985.
Rubin, Theodore Isaac. The Angry Book. New York: Collier Books,
(Macmillan}. 1970.
Waiters, Richard P. Anger Yours & Mine & What
To Do About It. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.
1981.
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