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by Robert A. Nykamp, MDiv, MS
Many of us were taught, "You're not allowed to be angry at God."
In fact, most of us learned we were not to be angry with our mother, father,
brother, sister, schoolteacher, or friends. Good Christian boys and girls
are forgiving and caring. They do not show anger. It's wrong to fight
and argue. When you show your anger in actions that are hurtful or nasty,
you need to confess your sins quickly, say, "I'm sorry," and
be a pleasant person.
However, most of us soon discovered we live in a world where other people
are not very pleasant. Other boys and girls called us names. We were "chicken"
if we didn't fight. People served first in the cafeteria line were those
who pushed ahead. Nice people finished last.
Therefore we often faced a dilemma. We were angry in a natural and appropriate
way, and yet we were not to express that anger. We experienced hurt and
pain-even with God-and yet we were not to put that anger into words or
actions. The only alternative for many of us was to turn the anger in
on ourselves. We experienced depression-feeling sad, lonely, frustrated
and hurt.
Often we would ask, "Isn't being angry really God's way? Is God
so opposed to anger?" Many boys, girls, teenagers and adults often
silently raise these questions. The Bible says God was angry. When the
people of Israel made a gold calf, God said to Moses, "Now let me
alone that my wrath may burn hot against them and I may consume them"
(Exodus 32:10). Jesus was indignant with the disciples when they kept
the children from him (Mark 10:14). He turned over the tables of the money-changers
in the temple. In fact, at times it appears God would be more comfortable
with our anger than would our parents or other significant people in our
lives.
Let me suggest a new framework for the experience of anger. Many people
who are struggling with hurt, pain, and frustration find they can obtain
health and wholeness if they look at anger from a new perspective.
Anger is God's gift to you and me to help us become what God wants us
to be. Anger becomes an indicator that our needs and desires are not being
met, and that we may take constructive actions to find a wholesome and
meaningful relationship with God and with others. Scripture says that
God doesn't want us to repress our anger, but to express it in ways that
will not be sinful (Ephesians 4:26). This expression contributes to our
growth and development with one another into mature wholeness as members
of the family of God. Ephesians 4:15,16 says the processing of our truth
within a relationship enables us to grow together into Christ, so in maturity
and stability we can express our unity in a functional way in Him.
Anger releases our energy. It enables us to be activated within a relationship
to bring about a helpful give-and-take. Processing anger enables God's
people to grow in relationship with God and with others so the power of
the Spirit can produce the fruits and gifts in a constructive way in our
lives. Let's look at a couple of people to understand how this might work.
Jean is in her late thirties. She finds it difficult to manage the pressures
and hurt in her life. Fifteen years ago, her father died very suddenly
of a heart attack at age 51. Jean has experienced a great deal of repressed
anger recently because she misses her father so much.
Jean has an older sister, Sue. Their mother is often critical of Jean.
Jean remembers Dad was often the buffer for Mother's angry, critical comments.
He often supported Jean as she participated in sports activities. Sue
usually did everything right in the home, in church, and in school. She
kept her room neat and clean. She practiced the piano. She said her prayers
regularly. Sue was a model person and everything seemed to fit together
for her. But Jean loved being outdoors, working with her dad. She loved
sports-especially volleyball and tennis. However, Jean found it difficult
to manage money constructively. Dad always seemed to have an understanding
comment and helpful idea.
For a few years after Dad died, things seemed to go okay. Jean was able
to finish college and enjoyed being a physical therapist. But then things
went wrong.
The pressures at work were difficult for her to manage. Eventually she
needed to be hospitalized and went on disability .Her car was damaged
in an accident. She tore ligaments in her knee playing softball and had
to have surgery. She developed pain in her shoulder after a second car
accident. Her question is, "God, why are you doing all of this to
me?"
At times, Jean's anger is so strong that she bangs her hand against the
wall or knocks her head on the floor. She feels guilty that she experiences
this anger toward God, toward her mother, toward her sister. She misses
her father.
If our premise is correct-that anger is God's gift to Jean to help her
become what God wants her to be-then she has to be able to accept some
facts. She misses her father. She hates not being employed. She is disgusted
with physical limitations. She needs to have healing and restoration.
She must be able to find the right kinds of support and relationships
to experience God's love and grace.
Jean is afraid of relationships with other people. Even though she desperately
wants to relate to both men and women in open ways, she thinks they will
criticize or abandon her. Jean must accept that God is big enough to take
her anger. God intends for her to have meaningful relationships. God wants
her to have a constructive vocation. She must be able to take the necessary
risks to become God's whole person with limitations in her own world.
Therefore, our second important premise is that God is big enough to
take our anger and wants to help us process it so we can become mature
functioning people in God's world. When Job expressed his anger at not
being understood by his friends and experiencing all the deprivation in
his life unjustly, God said, "Job, let's talk about it. Stand up,
and let's process your anger and your frustration in a constructive way.
Let's go for a walk in the world of nature. Let's discuss your understanding
of how the miracles of nature unfold day by day and year by year"
(Job 38:1-12 ff).
Think of Jonah sitting in the desert outside Nineveh, angry because he
knew God was not going to destroy that city .God came to Jonah and asked,
"Do you do well to be angry?" Jonah answered, "Yes, I do
well to be angry." God said, "Fine, let's process your anger."
God and Jonah explored the meaning of his anger when there was no shade
because a worm destroyed the tree. God said, "I would like you to
understand my side of the story."
Job and Jonah both came to the point of realizing that God was big enough
to take their anger. They saw that God would not be pushed out of experiencing
with them the frustration and hurt from living in a world where sin attacks
God's people. God is ready to process that anger to the point where we
can experience hope, justice, freedom, and fulfillment.
Bill, in his late forties, has come to a point of hopelessness and despair.
He questions whether it's worth living. Bill said he always felt different
as long as he could remember. He cries easily. His siblings and friends
ridiculed him for being a "cry-baby." He was uncoordinated,
so he never did well in sports. Bill was usually the last one chosen for
a team activity. He enjoyed music and became an excellent tenor. He graduated
from college and became a teacher.
But soon he found the pressures of being a perfectionist led to a depression
which kept him from having a regular work record. Finally after a couple
of extended periods of treatment for his depression, he quit his job.
His wife found it difficult to cope with his depression. Finally they
separated. They decided he could better care for their children. She worked
full-time and gave him some child-support money.
He felt it was important for his children to have a Christian education.
Working part-time, he tried to maintain a home and relationship with his
children that would be appropriate and fulfilling. But he soon found himself
in extensive debt-owing thousands of dollars. The school ended services
to his children. Bill decided it was no longer worthwhile trying to make
ends meet. He tried to end his life.
He became aware that he was really very angry with God, but was afraid
to express his anger. He was angry that God had created him with different
gifts and abilities. He was angry that God did not help his wife be understanding
and stay in the marriage. He was angry with the school administration
that they would not trust him to pay tuition.
It was only as Bill could begin to accept that his anger was a gift to
help him become a person who could accept his own creation and his tenderness,
and then to accept that God was big enough to process his anger with him,
that Bill could become more realistic and dependable, and could apply
these principles in his life.
Both Bill and Jean needed support over an extended period to put these
principles with anger into operation. There were no simple, easy answers.
Life did not just fall into place.
God does not promise to quickly remove the anger, hurt, and pain. But
God does promise to walk with us through the experiences of anger. Doing
so enables us to become individuals who can express our gifts and commitments
in ways that will bring fulfillment and growth with God and with others.
Augsburger, David W. Anger and Assertiveness in Pastoral Care. Philadelphia:
Fortress Press. 1979.
Carter, Les. Good 'n' Angry. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House. 1983.
Lerner, Harriet Goldhor, Ph.D. The Dance of Anger. New York: Harper
& Row. 1985.
Walters, Richard P. Anger, Yours and Mine, and What to Do About It.
Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House. 1981.
Wolff, Pierre. May I Hate God? New York: Paulist Press. 1979.
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