Pine Rest Blog

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

“I told him there was nothing to be scared of” says a mom regarding her 5 year old son who’s scared of the dark.

“You don’t need to be embarrassed, just say what you are thinking!” says a father to his 12 year old daughter who is talking to him about a recent encounter with a boy.

“My 7 year old is so angry lately, how do I make it stop?”  a recently divorced client asks me.

“I have a stomach ache, I can’t go to school” says a 2^nd grader to her mom on the morning of a big test at school.

As adults, it is often difficult to understand what a child is feeling, much less how to help them articulate what they are feeling. It can be challenging to step back into their shoes, recognizing that children are not developmentally able decipher emotions and state their needs as adults are—even adults have a hard time with this! There are many ways that schools are trying to integrate what they are calling “emotional awareness” skills and “emotion coaching” into curriculum. There are also parents who are wondering how to give their children the language and tools necessary to build insight and empathy in their children as well as build a great parent-child bond and partnership.  Focusing on academics and intellect is something we find necessary for our children, but building emotional awareness and capacity for having healthy relationships with others is equally as important.

There are five elements to “emotion coaching” that have emerged from research on this topic. They are:

1. Be aware of a child's emotions
2. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically and validate a child's feelings
4. Label emotions in words a child can understand
5. Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation

Notice that these steps do not include telling a child to stop feeling something, or diminishing what they are feeling by labeling something that you as a parent find to be more acceptable.

There are a couple of resources I’d like to share with you that I think might be helpful if you are a parent or educator wondering where to begin nurturing emotional intelligence with young children in your life. I’d be curious to hear your reactions and thoughts as you review these resources and also as you put these concepts into action.

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by Dr. John Gottman & Joan Declaire

The Truth about Children and Divorce by Robert Emery PhD (specifically for emotionally coaching children through the effects of divorce)

Step Families by Dr. James H Bray & John Kelly (focuses on how to ease conflicts and build communication in blended families)

 Kimochi toys (a communication tool for parents and educators)

by Rebecca Barcy, PhD, NCSP

April is National Autism Awareness month. People are more aware of this disorder today than just five years ago due to increased media coverage and personal experience. Many readers will know an individual with this diagnosis – perhaps in their own family, in their friendship circle, in their child’s classroom.

The most recent prevalence estimate of Autism Spectrum Disorder, referred to as ASD, released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) show an incidence rate of about one in 88, with boys diagnosed four to five times more frequently than girls. While each individual diagnosis of ASD is unique, there are some commonalities that define this disorder and are required to make the diagnosis.

ASD reflects differences in the way children develop from very early on, from infancy, and usually continues to affect development into adulthood. There are different degrees of severity and combinations of symptoms which affect levels of success in school and later in the workplace.

The definitive cause or causes of ASD is not yet clear, but ongoing global research suggests multiple causes that may be interactive. One important outcome of the research conducted makes it clear that autism is a biological or medical disorder. It is not caused by bad parenting.

Individuals with ASD are diagnosed by difficulties in three developmental areas:

1. Reciprocal social interaction – Fewer social responses, such as social smile and appropriate facial expression; and fewer social initiations, such as starting a game with another.      

2. Communication – Less verbal and nonverbal communication, such as gestures and head nodding, especially in an area termed “joint attention” which includes showing, pointing, and greetings.       

3. Repetition and insistence on sameness – Evident in play, limited pretend or make believe play; and preoccupation with narrow or restricted interests.

The American Academy of Pediatrics currently recommends that all children be screened for ASD at 18 and 24 months of age. Presently, there is not a definitive medical test for ASD.

A diagnosis is based on observed behavior. Often a comprehensive evaluation will include information from more than one professional discipline – such as a psychologist, a speech and language pathologist, a developmental pediatrician, a social worker and an occupational therapist. A comprehensive evaluation will often rule out problems of vision and hearing acuity as well as possible contributing medical conditions.

Early identification is important. It helps families: reduce anxiety and access concrete information to better understand and advocate for their children in order to obtain the most appropriate treatment and services to best meet their needs.

by Gretchen Johnson, MSN, RN-BC

I really don’t know of any women who go into pregnancy wanting or expecting to be a bad mom. We want to do it all: have the baby, get back in shape, feel rested and refreshed, have a clean house, healthy meals for the family, start the new baby in music, swim, sign language classes, and all of this while having a great hair day.

This may be a bit of an exaggeration, but many women set very high expectations for themselves during pregnancy and after the baby is born. When these expectations are not met, and in reality they rarely are, women feel disappointed, discouraged, and even feel as though they have failed.

The “SuperMom” complex is one of many psychological/social risk factors for postpartum depression. A few other psychological risk factors include:

Life style changes – For instance, relationship with friends who do not have children will change. New moms and dads will not be able to pick up and go whenever they want any more. Parents may not have time for activities they once enjoyed.

Life stressors – Any major life stressor will increase the risk for postpartum depression. Moving, starting a new job, death of a loved one, major family illness, financial problems, and divorce, to name a few, can trigger depression in anyone. Add caring for a new baby, loss of sleep, and fluctuating hormones and you can see why the risk increases.

History of trauma – If the new mom has experienced abuse of any kind, rape, neglect as a child, or any other trauma, caregivers should watch for signs and symptoms of depression.

One of the best things we can do for women is reminding them they don’t need to be perfect. We can re-define what it means to be SuperMom. It doesn’t mean she has to have a perfect house, body, meals, and baby.

It may mean there are days when SuperMom doesn’t make dinner on time, or orders out, or the house may stay messy, or someone else needs to do laundry.

SuperMom may decide to take a nap instead of dusting when the baby is sleeping because she needs rest too. Being SuperMom means she is able to care for herself and the baby, and get help when she needs it.

Help out by encouraging a SuperMom to care for herself today, or bring her dinner, do her laundry, play with the baby so she can rest, vacuum the floor, or just point out to her what she is doing well.

Postpartum depression is serious, impacting around 15 percent of women. Here are some resources if you or someone you love is suffering:

www.postpartum.net

www.postpartumprogress.com

www.momsbloom.org

www.postpartumstress.com

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

Many of you know that I have three young children. My youngest is  a toddler—he’ll be three in June. So, I, like many of you, am in the thick of parenting in this stage. Time outs and tantrums are frequent. “Me do it” is an overly used phrase in his vocabulary right now. And “me do it” does not mean “I’ll take it from here, Mom.” A more accurate interpretation is “I’ll reverse what you were doing and start over with me doing it from the very beginning, Mom.” This is true whether we’re talking about closing a door, putting on clothes, or brushing teeth. Oh, the joys of parenting !

The interesting thing about my work is that even though I am personally in this parenting stage and often find it to be challenging, I also have clients who come to see me because of parenting challenges. So, although I have specific knowledge and training, I hardly claim to be an expert parent. I am consistently searching for resources myself so that I can parent in a way that is consistent with my values and will help my children become responsible,  joyful, self aware, and compassionate adults.

Here are some resources I have found to be helpful in parenting through the toddler stage:

• www.babycenter.com: You can subscribe to “development updates” to understand common behaviors, patterns, and helpful responses to your child based on their age(s).
• www.loveandlogic.com: On this site there are FREE articles on how to parent your child using this parenting approach. It is specifically helpful with disciplining children ages 2-6.
• www.positive-parenting.org: This site gives information about parenting young children in a way that affirms their character and builds a healthy parent/child bond.
• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman: This book is very helpful in learning how to understand your child’s emotions and how to respond to them in an encouraging and supportive way.
• www.pinerest.org: If you desire more direction or assistance with parenting concerns, please check here to find out more about talking with a therapist about your challenges.

I hope that you find these resources helpful in your parenting journey. And, if you are through this stage of parenting, passing these along to someone who is in the thick of it might just be a great idea!

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

My family and I are getting ready to pack up later this week and head out of Grand Rapids…we’re headed to Tennessee! It fit our list of Spring Break standards—at least 70 degrees average temp, drivable with our young children in tow, and a place where outdoor recreation is readily available. The little ones are excited too—my five year old is telling us that the first thing she’s going to do in Tennessee is “hop in a kayak.” I think that we all have our ideas about how we’ll take advantage of the time away. For me, a top priority is to relax my agenda. Most days for me, and I’m sure for most of you, are pretty packed with agenda—pick ups and drops offs, jobs with numerous tasks, household chores to check off the list, social activities to attend. These are all good things each and of themselves, but when combined, have the potential of feeling like craziness. So, to go “offline” and rest, taking each day for what it is, to be in the present moment, is something that I anticipate this next week.

Even if you aren’t planning to head out of town, rest from the routine is still important. Even as adults, we need this downtime—we’re not machines! What research tells us about mental health is that we need to be balanced in the ways that we care for ourselves, making sure to integrate “play” into our lives—not just on Spring Break—but in our daily lives as well—in order to be well rounded people who can function well in our relationships and other commitments.

What might rest look like for you? How might you seek moments to rejuvenate yourself? A first step in this is understanding what does refresh you. What is your way to “play?”

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

Isn’t this weather amazing? I’m hoping that all of you have gotten a chance to step outside lately and feel the sun on your faces, or open some windows in your home and smell the sweet breeze of spring. It’s always a lovely time of year in West Michigan when signs of life emerge again after the winter—this year it just seems to be coming a little early (not that anyone is complaining!)

One thing I notice when the weather changes like this is how my neighborhood comes alive. Even when I’m inside, I hear basketballs bouncing, children laughing, bikes riding down the street, not to mention my children begging to join in the fun! Something ignites us again when we get to move, get out of the house, engage our senses in a new way. From what I’m mentioning, you probably gather that I love the outdoors. Really, when I think about what makes me feel alive, enjoying nature is near the top of my list. I love a nice long run (especially when it’s not icy!), a family hike or game of soccer, even taking a leisurely walk to get a cup of coffee.

What makes you feel alive? What ignites your heart and makes you feel most like who you are? Is it a particular relationship? Could it include a cause or a social issue? Maybe it’s a job that adds a sense of purpose  to your life. For some, a sense of community in your neighborhood or church family is an area of passion.  I’m asking this question because I think it is important—not only know who we are but to grow those part of our lives that help us be fully who we are. Are you open to discovering that today?

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

Even the title of this blog might make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you know this is something you struggle with—always striving, trying to prove, reaching for that next rung in the ladder of your own or others goals and expectations for you. If you are someone who is prone to anxiety—whether it be due to your genetics, your personality type, or life circumstances—it can be even more of a struggle. The truth is, this quest is never achieved.  No matter what the “medal” or “symbol of perfection” is in your life—the promotion, the approval or admiration of others, a full social calendar, seeing your child’s all A’s report card—the quest will still not be complete even when you obtain that desired “medal”. There will always be something more…to achieve.

When we focus so much on doing and so little on being who we are, the quest becomes even more elusive. We forget who we really are and adapt to what others want us to be. We neglect our own gifts, talents, and abilities. In this sense, this quest for perfection can actually destroy us and our relationships, fostering anxiety, depression, anger, feelings of guilt or even entitlement.

 Focusing on growth and improvement is a much healthier barometer. So is focusing on process rather than outcome of our goals. Asking questions like, “what am I learning about myself in this process?” or “what might be the next step in becoming a healthier person?” are questions reflective of a person who is relaxing their quest for perfection. It is also helpful to share with someone you trust how you are struggling and how you might best receive support and accountability in letting go of some of the demands and standards you put on yourself.

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

Most of us are familiar with bullying in one way or another—maybe you were made fun of as a child and those memories come to mind when you hear about mean things said to your own child at school. Perhaps you are a teacher and wonder how and when to intervene with student behavior. Or, maybe an important child in your life is struggling with not wanting to go to school because of what they fear they will face. It is clear that bullying is a problem, a problem that is getting national attention. Michigan’s anti-bullying law goes into effect this month, which has brought refreshed attention to this concern. Many schools are providing education to teachers and students about prevention and intervention.

It is heart breaking when clients share with me how they have been intentionally tormented or hurt by their peers. It damages self esteem, affects school performance, and provides many challenges for victims of bullying throughout their lives.

As parents and concerned adults, we have the ability to equip the children in our lives with alternative ways to respond to bullying behavior. Without options, children will often shut down, feel confused, and ashamed. Sometimes bullied children practice this behavior on others as a way to defend themselves. Some children give in and become fearful and timid. Children typically will not offer information to adults regarding how they are being taunted or made fun of by their peers.

Encouraging and practicing assertive responses with your child and helping them understand the difference between being assertive and being fearful or mean back to the bully can be helpful for children. Building assertiveness helps build self confidence in the face of challenging situations.  Here are some ways that you can encourage children to practice assertiveness in their responses to being bullied or watching this type of behavior:

• Take a deep breath before responding
• Stand up tall, look the bully in the eye
• Respond directly and to the point
• Speak with a calm voice, using statements such as: “You are just trying to make me mad, so I’m going to play somewhere else.” Or “I don’t like what you are saying to (my friend)—let’s leave.” Or “This is my place in line, not yours. I’m staying here.”
• Having children practice these responses at home (in role plays with you as the parent or your encouragement for them to practice it with siblings) is a way to begin to nurture this behavior.

What have your experiences been with this issue? How are you encouraging children in your life to stand up for themselves and others?  Let’s work together to equip our children around this concern.

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

How are your resolutions coming along? Even though we’re still hanging on to January, it can be difficult to maintain momentum at this point in the year. The routine has started again, the stresses have returned. Winter has now arrived, so we often end up just wanting to do what is comfortable and familiar.

I’m sure many of you have set goals about improving fitness and exercising more frequently. Perhaps your body is something that brings negative thoughts to mind and you want that to change. Dieting and diet related products are a forty billion dollar a year industry—this speaks loudly to the truth that you are not alone—many people want their bodies to change!

It is very easy to be critical of ourselves--especially when we’ve set goals that aren’t turning out the way we had hoped. Thoughts of “I’m failing at this too” or “I knew that I would mess up, what’s my problem” start to take over the adrenaline and motivation we were experiencing a couple of weeks ago.

I want to encourage you to re-focus. Not just by doing more, by checking off that daily workout on your to do list, but by focusing on what is going on inside of you. Allow yourself to tune in to the chatter inside of your mind. Take a moment to ask yourself if the way that you talk to yourself is helpful and encouraging—to you and to others. When we are self critical, we often become more critical of others also.

Attempting to re-focus might look something like this…if a typical thought of yours in response to a recently set goal is “I knew I wouldn’t be able to do this, why am I even trying,” attempt to put the feeling that underlies that comment into a statement that is self affirming and motivating. This could include statements like “This is hard, and I am learning how to be determined.” Another example could be “The effort put into this change is helping me become a stronger person.” Getting away from self criticism can be one of the first steps at becoming successful with the goals we set for ourselves.

By Larry VanderPlaats, LMSW, CAAC

Addiction is a disease. Recovery is a process of spiritual and emotional growth that begins with acquiring abstinence and regaining physical health. It continues with rebuilding a life of mutually trusting relationships with family, friends and community.

Recovery always begins with some form of crisis or an accumulation of crises that eventually collapses our denial system. This brings us to the admission that we have become unable to solve this problem on our own. Addiction is, as Alcoholics Anonymous refers to it; “…cunning, baffling and powerful, without help it is too much for us.” 

As a recovering addict myself, the admission of loss of control brings us to the action stage of recovery and the need to take a risk. We must begin trusting others and ask for help. This is difficult for the addict to do because we have been hiding our shame with the delusion that we have been in control of our life. We have been manipulating people, places and things in a self-centered manner to maintain our addiction. Now we must surrender that control.

This simple act of taking a risk and asking for help is the beginning of spiritual and emotional health. The fellowship and kinship that develops, almost immediately, by connecting to others who have a like purpose is very powerful to the addict. We now have a resource to help us deal with cravings, and to assist us in our personal growth and problem solving.

Addiction is a chronic disease like diabetes, so we don’t take this risk just once. We must maintain continual contact with this higher power and manage our addiction with a new method. It is grounded in a belief that life must be lived on life’s terms, one day at a time with direction from others. This is foundational to recovery.

Living this form of a disciplined, daily recovery program does not mean that life will suddenly be wonderful. It does mean peace of mind and serenity in the face of both joy and adversity. The addict will find a new freedom and happiness in relationships. It means that self-seeking will go away. It offers hope, a connection to community and renewed health.

These are not false claims. Recovering addicts will tell the skeptical new comer with conviction in their voice to keep coming back, and it will get better. And it does. You can see the change in their faces and witness it in their daily lives. You can literally observe an addict being restored to sanity. I have seen it countless times as a clinician.

Recovery can be for everyone. All you have to do is be humble and ask for it with honesty, open mindedness and willingness. That work is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Recovery continues with an ongoing reliance on a disciplined program of personal growth and a commitment to help others.

Larry VanderPlaats, LMSW, CAAC, is a licensed master of social work and is also a certified advanced addictions counselor with 29 years of experience treating addictions in both residential and outpatient settings. He currently serves as the Grand Rapids regional director of outpatient services and as the substance abuse service coordinator for Pine Rest’s professional practice group. Pine Rest provides a continuum of addiction services, for more information call 1-866-852-4001.

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

2012 has arrived—can you believe it? For most, the parties are over, the gifts unwrapped, school has begun. I’m enjoying hearing my clients reflect on the past year —listening to them share how they are growing and how they are working to overcome the obstacles they face in their lives.  Being a goal setter myself, I look forward to carving out new ways to focus my time and energy this year. A lot of the goals that I’m hearing about lately have to do with body image, with friendships and family relationships, and with work and career. As I’m listening to people develop goals there are several things that consistently come to mind when I think of setting yourself up for success in working towards something that is important to you. I encourage you to keep these things in mind as you begin this new year.

1. When you set a goal, it’s helpful to focus on the process, not just the goal itself. For example, if you are trying to get into better physical shape, focusing on steps like “I’m going to work out 3 times per week” or “I’m going to eat one portion of dessert instead of 2” can be more easily achieved than “I’m going to lose 20 pounds.”
2. Recognize what is realistic given your stage of life and other commitments. One helpful saying that I heard a long time ago is “You might be able to have it all, just not all at once.” If you are working full time and have teens at home, it might be difficult to accomplish a goal that involves a lot of extra time and energy! If you have an aging parent you are caring for, it may be unrealistic to develop a lot of new friendships over the coming months. If you are going through a very difficult transition, right now might not be the time to quit smoking. When you set goals, be real with yourself and allow for the possibility that the goal might need to be reset along the way.
3. Check in with your values when you are setting goals. It is often more motivating to work towards something when it clearly reflects a value of yours or feels purposeful to you. When you examine ways that you would like to be challenged this coming year, it is helpful to ask yourself how your pursuits line up with your values and beliefs. For example, how does going back to school line up with your broader values of work and purpose? Or, how does beginning a date night with your spouse reflect the importance you put on the strength of your marriage and family? I’m sure you can think of some examples too…

I wish each of you a healthy, safe, and joyful 2012. Even if you aren’t a New Year’s resolution fan, remember that goal setting and personal growth can happen any time of year!

By Mark Eastburg, PhD

Everywhere you look during the holidays – the malls, your neighbors’ yard, television, your mailbox – a word jumps out: Joy.

This is the season of joy, we’re told. But do you experience a solid rush of Joy from Black Friday through Christmas day?  Most of us don’t. In fact, ask around and you’ll hear things like “I’m just so busy during the holidays.”  Or, “the last few weeks have been really stressful trying to get all my shopping done.”  For many, the glitzy ads and sales are only painful reminders of tough economic circumstances.

It’s ironic that the “season of joy” has become associated with stress and busyness for some. The rituals are really there to help us celebrate: the large family dinners, the gift giving, the colorful decorations, the dressing up. But in an effort to “get everything done,” the joy can get lost.

But we can find it again. We just need to take a step back and consider the sources of joy in our lives – both past and present.

In the middle of all the group celebrations today, I’d encourage you to think about and rediscover what have been your own sources of joy in life. And move toward those sources of joy.

These sources are unique as you. But here are some ideas to get you started:  Do you remember being outside in the cold, fresh air as a child? Go outside, close your eyes, and imagine you are a 9-year-old again. Or remember being outside as at particularly happy time in your life.

Can you think of an old friend, someone that brought you great joy, but haven’t spoken to in awhile? Give him, or her, a call, out of the blue. Go beyond Facebook – reconnect live. Tell them one thing that you remember about them that brings you joy today.

Listen to your favorite music, by yourself, away from everyone for a few minutes. Recall why you enjoy this music so much. When was the first time you heard it?

For those who celebrate Christmas because its significance as the time of the coming of Christ, take time away from the group to reflect on what this means for you.

Joy does not automatically come with our holiday rituals. Like the travelers in the original Christmas story, we have to go find its source. Find your source this holiday season.

Mark Eastburg, PhD, is president and chief executive officer at Pine Rest since 2006, and is a clinical psychologist who maintains a small practice. He has worked at Pine Rest for 20 years and has held a senior administrator position since 1997.

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

Around this time of year, I hear a lot of “gimmies.” At home, I see my children creating their Christmas wish lists, thinking of the toys and games that they want so badly. In the office, I hear about families figuring out how they will get through this season without breaking the bank, or the stress of all the parties and entertaining, or the challenges dealing with children who don’t seem to be satisfied with any gift, always wanting more or something different. We become very accustomed to this way of being in this season—in fact, you might be reading this saying to yourself, “yeah, and so what? That’s just the way it is.”

The truth is, it is very easy to slip into selfishness this time of year. Thoughts of “what do I want?” become more and more common and without realizing, become woven into the fabric of family life. There is a way to move beyond this line of thinking, to model to our children and have part of our family life involve being focused on others, rather than just ourselves. Encouraging our children to become involved in the community, in a cause, in a relationship with others who have real and tangible needs is a way to move towards becoming others focused, rather than “me focused.” Our culture doesn’t really encourage us in this way—the messages of “buy me” and “satisfy yourself” are absolutely everywhere. We absorb these messages with rarely a second thought.

So, getting children involved in community service opportunities is a way to even out the off balance thinking and acting that we might default towards this season. Doing so as a family has the most powerful, long effect and also creates the most positive perspective for children around the issue of giving. There are opportunities all around that we can see if we are attuned to them: gift baskets you can put together as a family, children that you can “sponsor” financially through reputable organizations, meals that you can serve to people who would otherwise have not, etc etc etc.

Check out “Where you Live” this weekend, as Maranda will highlight even more ways that families can move from “me” to “us and others” this holiday season.

by Donna Ecklesdafer, MSN, RN

When you think about a defibrillator, most people think about an up to the date, state of the art and life saving treatment. When you think about Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT), do you think about the 1940’s and the movie “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”? The stigma of mental illness and ECT is still prevalent.

ECT is a safe and effective treatment in treating the debilitating symptoms of major depression, bipolar disorder (mania and depression), some forms of schizophrenia, dementia with an underlying mood disorder, among other diagnoses. It can be a life saving treatment if a rapid response is needed.

Major depression affects many people. Nearly 15 million adults in the United States deal with major depression each year. Major depression is the leading cause of disability for individuals ages 15 – 44.

Many people respond to medication and talk therapy. Some, however, do not. ECT is a lifeline for these individuals.

ECT helps to improve or even eliminate the depression symptoms an individual is experiencing. The benefits of ECT include: improved mood, increased pleasure, more restful sleep, better appetite, more positive attitude, less agitation, increased sexual interest, more energy, clearer thinking and more hope.

ECT is similar to medications, however it works faster. A series of 6 – 12 treatments is given three times each week over a period of 4 – 5 weeks. The national average for a series is 10 treatments. Each person is assessed for their response to ECT.

People begin to see an improvement after 4 – 6 ECT treatments or in about 1½ to 2 weeks. Others tend to see improvement before the patient does. When the patient first begins ECT, they may be isolative, have poor eye contact and say just a few words. After a few treatments, they may begin to smile. After a few more treatments, they may start laughing. It is wonderful to see the improvements people can experience with ECT.

A number of improvements and advancements have occurred in ECT just as they have in surgery over the years. A treatment team made up of an anesthesiologist, psychiatrist, and registered nurse (RN) will care for each patient. The patient receives a brief anesthetic medication to put them off to sleep.

Once the patient is asleep, a brief electrical stimulus is given to the brain which causes a grand mal seizure. Because a muscle relaxer is given, very little muscle movement is visible, typically just the hands and feet move. The seizure is monitored by an electroencephalogram (EEG). Once the patient wakes up from anesthesia, they are transferred to the recovery room. The patient’s vital signs are monitored throughout their stay in the ECT Clinic.

Seizure activity in the brain causes chemical changes to take place, not the electricity. These chemical changes improve the patient’s mood symptoms.

ECT is not 100% effective. Once the patient has gone through an acute series of treatments, they must remain on medications or in some circumstances maintenance ECT to keep the gains they made. There is an 80% chance of relapse if the individual does not follow up with either medications or ECT.

Side effects of ECT include headache, muscle aches (due to the muscle relaxant as it contracts muscles before relaxing them), nausea, confusion, short and/or long term memory. Many patients do not experience any of these symptoms. Medications can be given to treat some of the side effects. Typically, the patient may have gaps in their memory right around the time of treatments – right before, during and after.

Education about ECT is vital. Patients and their family are given a video to watch as well as education by an RN. Booklets and an article written on ECT are also given as part of the education packet.

ECT has been proven to be a safe and effective treatment, especially when medications have been ineffective. It is a great option for these individuals. For some, it can be a life saving treatment.

Pine Rest’s ECT Clinic is the only outpatient clinic in the area. For more information, please contact the Pine Rest ECT Clinic at 616-281-6341.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) latest statistics on suicide (2007):

• Suicide was the 4^th cause of death in adults ages 18 – 65
• 34,598 cases reported
• Out of these cases, over 90% were diagnosed with Depressive Disorder or Substance Abuse Disorder
• The overall rate was 11.3 suicide deaths per 100,000 people
• An estimated 11 attempted suicides occur per every suicide death

Donna Ecklesdafer, MSN, RN, has been the Pine Rest ECT Clinic Manager for the past 16 years and certified in ECT since 2001.

By Michael Reiffer, LMSW

On a recent family vacation to Tennessee, my three boys, ages 5, 3.5, and 1.5 had a few bouts of complaining and fussing. Since we were on vacation, my wife and I decided to pilot a new family policy: Anyone, including adults, who complains is to then list five things for which they are thankful. Not only did it really curb the whining, but we were blown away with some of the precious comments. “I love my brothers.” “I am thankful for our family.” “I love my mom and dad.”

Just reflect for a moment on the tidbits of wisdom we have heard over the years. “Attitude is a little thing which makes a big difference.” Or, “Life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I handle it.” Or, “Every cloud has a silver lining.” Or, “In all things, in all seasons, give thanks.” I have become increasingly aware over this past year of how important it is to be grateful; and this Thanksgiving season is a prime time for beginning to cultivate more gratitude.

The ability to cultivate gratitude is linked with all sorts of emotional, relational, and spiritual benefits. According to research, individuals who foster a thankful heart report better moods, more satisfying relationships, better health and longer lives. In fact, when the American Psychological Association lists the habits of healthy, resilient people – the ability to cultivate gratitude is a chief necessity.

Maybe you are old enough like me to remember the 1970’s Tootsie Roll television commercial with its jingle, “Whatever it is, I think I see, becomes a tootsie roll to me.” The lesson there is that we tend to find whatever we are looking for, and gratitude is no different.

It is easy to find ourselves rolling over grievances and disappointments in our minds, but that only serves to perpetuate finding those same shortcomings again and again. You cannot think a thought out of your head. However, when individuals are able to count their blessings and move towards thankfulness, then the positives becomes all the easier to notice. Gratitude requires leading your heart.

So, how do we cultivate an attitude of gratitude? Let’s start with challenging ourselves to see the larger picture and training our mind’s eye on all we may take for granted.

Start a journal of blessings and answered prayer. Take a walk and use it as a time for gratitude listing. Give your children a list of what is right about them. Write an estranged co-worker a note of appreciation. Give a tribute letter to a parent expressing your gratefulness for their legacy in the family. Or, simply start today with going around your dinner table and having each person tell about one thing for which they are grateful.

Michael Reiffer is a clinical social worker at the Pine Rest Caledonia Clinic. He and his wife are choosing to be grateful when their three young boys help them no longer need an alarm clock and start each day before the sun gets up.

by Kristin Kuiper, MSW, LMSW

Thanksgiving week is upon is—many travel plans, feasts to savor, some time off from work to enjoy—these are all good things! I am wondering what comes up for you when you think about spending time with family this Thanksgiving—happiness and excitement? Anxiety and dread? Somewhere in between? For many, spending time with family brings to the surface the realities of the challenges relationships can face. I know that this isn’t the most joyous subject to talk about as we are approaching a holiday where we give thanks and express our gratitude, however, it is the truth for a lot of people: relationships can be hard and tight quarters and lots of relationships in one space can magnify some of the difficulties.

So, here are some tips of encouragement for you as you enter this week with your family members who might be challenging to spend time around…

• Recognize what is within your control: YOU! Reminding yourself of what is in and out of your control is important so you don’t expend all of your energy trying to change someone else’s behavior. If you are frustrated, take some space. If you are irritated that you are providing a full turkey dinner for a party of 20, request that others each bring a dish. Realizing what you are in control of empowers you and helps you spend your energy in the most useful way.
• Put some structure into all the downtime. What are your plans after the big dinner? For some families, this is time to sit around for many hours, and is often when irritations with each other can surface. Maybe difficult topics of conversation happen or a family member’s habits or patterns begin to take over the time together. Putting a simple structure in place can keep things moving and reduce frustrations that can happen with idle space. For example: after the big dinner, taking a walk together, playing group games or board games, watching a movie can be ways to engage time well.
• Realize that all emotions are fair game. As people, we experience a broad range of emotions and just because we are getting together with family does not mean we can temporarily get rid of the uncomfortable ones. Going into time with family realizing that you are probably going to experience some negative emotions helps you be prepared and also can help you in having a game plan with how you’ll respond to these emotions (instead of having a full conversation about the political differences between you and your uncle, perhaps you recognize when anxiety about this is surfacing and choose to politely excuse yourself from the conversation). Awareness of your emotions and owning your own responses to these emotions is one of the keys to healthier more satisfying relationships.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

When is the last time you have felt worried? When you sent your child off to their first sleepover? When your teen took the car out for the first time last week when it was raining? When you think about your work week and the presentation coming up? When you contemplate the failing health of your parent? Worry is a pretty common emotion for all of us. It is part of the full range of emotions that experience because we are human. But, for some, worry has gone beyond what is considered to be the norm when it comes to emotional health.

An anxiety disorder, or a problem with anxiety that would benefit from additional support and care, is chronic anxiety that persists when you focus on two or more stressful life circumstances. Sometimes, because of these circumstances, anxiety will hang around for a while and then return to what feels more familiar to you. Other times, it just doesn’t go away. Anxiety disorders can develop at any age and can be aggravated by life events. Anxiety is often associated with certain fears: fears of losing control, failure, rejection, or even fears of illness or death.

If you are experiencing at least three of the following six symptoms, it might be time to recognize the effects anxiety is having on you and your relationships, and get the support you need to feel better.

Do you experience:

• Being easily fatigued
• Difficulty concentrating on a task or at work
• Irritability beyond what is considered normal for you
• Muscle tension (this could be in your jaw, shoulders, back, neck)
• Difficulties with sleep (falling asleep or staying asleep)
• Feeling restless

One of the first steps towards getting health is to own the truth of what is going on for you…I challenge you to be honest with yourself today and do just that. And next time, I’ll share some specific strategies for responding to your worry and anxiety. Feel free to comment with questions!

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Halloween is right around the corner! My hope is that you are planning for this weekend, keeping in mind how to keep your children, friends, and family having a fun but safe time. Are you heading out doors to trick or treat? Attending a “fall harvest” party at your church? Going to school or neighborhood events? There is no shortage of fall fun in West Michigan—a delightful season for sure! In my household, we have a princess, a cow, and a bird ready to go!

Holidays are a wonderful time to connect as a family. Building “rituals” of connection are one of the keys to creating and maintaining a strong and healthy bond as a family. A “ritual” is something that each family member can identify as happening when it does and would be able to say that it is something that is predictable, expected, and fosters closeness as a family.

What types of rituals do you hold as a family—on normal days, on holidays, at special events or milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)? Rituals go beyond just the daily routines, as they are set apart from every day expectations, but they don’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time or money. Rituals can be as simple as having pancakes every Saturday morning, or hanging streamers from the birthday boy or girls bedroom door on their special day to celebrate them when they wake up. Part of building a strong, or intentional, family includes thinking about what is important to you and how you might pass these values along to each family member through rituals.

What are your ideas? What rituals do you already hold? Sometimes the most helpful aspect of generating ideas is to share our own experiences with each other.

by Scott Halstead, Ph.D.

Everyone knows that we become forgetful as we grow older, right?  Wrong.  Memory problems are not a normal part of aging, but it isn’t always easy to know the difference between normal changes that affect us as we grow older and more serious symptoms that might be the sign of real memory problems that we normally associate with dementia.

Dementia is the descriptive term for any medical condition that causes memory problems and problems with at least one other brain function, such as speech, concentration, or more complex thinking involving problem solving, planning, and organization.  Two of the most widespread forms of dementia are Alzheimer’s disease, which accounts for 60 percent of those with dementia, and vascular dementia which accounts for 20 percent.

Alzheimer’s disease is present in as much as 50 percent of the population over age 85.  Because the number of adults over age 65 is expected to nearly triple by 2050, there is a strong need to identify these symptoms and treat them as best we can.

Although there are many exciting treatment possibilities being studied, there is not currently any way to stop or reverse the symptoms in most types of dementia.  But because some dementias can be the result of reversible medical conditions, the first phone call should always be to one’s primary care physician to discuss the symptoms.  

Though there is no cure, there is current treatment with a medication that helps injured brain cells work more efficiently, and there is a second kind of medication generally administered later in the process that can keep some healthy brain cells from dying.  Because treatments are most effective when started early, it’s critical to get an early diagnosis. 

Dementia signs

1. Repeating questions or statements
2. Forgetting to pay bills or paying them twice
3. Missing scheduled appointments
4. Uncharacteristically misplacing items around the house
5. Changes in mood and personality
6. Decreased motivation
7. Uncharacteristically making rude or inappropriate comments
8. Having difficulty with problem-solving
9. Having problems with complex activities (Example: driving)
10. Becoming more easily confused

Reducing risk

The key to reducing the risk of dementia is to develop a healthy lifestyle when one is young.  It’s all about balanced living.

1. Keep mentally active by reading, learning a new language, attending community lectures, etc.
2. Keep physically active
3. Watch what you eat
4. Get enough sleep
5. Develop new hobbies
6. Avoid excessive alcohol use

Seek help when:

1. The situation at home becomes dangerous. For example, if adults are unable to prepare meals and do not get enough food.
2. They are forgetting to take important medications.
3. They are unable to keep themselves or their homes clean.

It bears repeating, because there are many causes of dementia, anyone concerned about themselves or a loved one should discuss the symptoms with their family doctor.

Scott Halstead, PhD, is clinical neuropsychologist and corporate director of Pine Rest’s outpatient services.

by Eric Achtyes, M.D.

For years Pine Rest has been a cornerstone in our community for patient care and educating students and trainees about psychiatric illnesses. We have a wealth of experience and expertise in these areas. By involving ourselves in research, we are not only aiming to provide the best evidence based care available, but we are discovering and defining the best practices of tomorrow.

There is also an ethical imperative to participate in research. If we benefit from treatments research has brought us over the years, we also ought to participate in the cost or burden of driving that research forward ourselves. 

As next week is mental illness awareness week, I wanted to focus on several areas where Pine Rest is engaged in research to address the difficult problem of clinical depression.

1)      Pharmacogenomics – aims to find the right antidepressant the first time using personalized medication selection based on your own unique genetic profile. It looks at the unique ways our bodies transport and metabolize medicines and serotonin, one of the important neurotransmitters thought to be in short supply in depression.

2)      Novel antidepressants – we are looking at a unique antidepressant that may help both the symptoms of depression and improve the ability of depressed patients to sleep – a key symptom for many people suffering with depression.

3)      CAT-DI – this study seeks to examine the use of a new tool for the diagnosis and assessment of depression symptoms, anxiety and bipolar disorder. It is both computerized, and adaptive, meaning that it may need to ask only a few questions to provide an accurate screening for these disorders. By repeating standardized assessments over time, we will be able to track patients’ improvements with the treatments that are given.

Future treatment for those with depression is promising. We have a lot more tools than we used to have. When I’m working with someone, I ask them to be patient. Given some time, we can usually find a treatment that works well, without a lot of side effects – whether that is medication, therapy or counseling, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) or some of the new therapies being developed such as transcranial magnetic stimulation. The good news is there is now a lot we can do to help those battling depression.

Eric Achtyes, M.D. is a fully licensed psychiatrist at Pine Rest and director of the division of psychiatry and behavioral medicine at the Michigan State University – College of Human Medicine.

by Susan Koons, MSN, RN, CNL

Behavior has meaning. When a baby becomes irritable and cries, we wonder - is he hungry, cold, tired or in pain? If we knew the cause of the behavior, perhaps we could soothe the irritability. As a child grows, we’re relieved when he is able to tell us the reason behind the tears.

For the caregiver of the adult with a progressive dementia, when challenging behaviors surface, the caregiver is often faced with a similar set of questions. Is he hungry, cold, tired or perhaps in pain? Whether the caregiver is a family member or paid staff, they face challenges in determining the reason behind the behavior and how to handle it.

Unlike a child, the person with dementia is unlikely to be able to share the reasons behind their “tears”. And sadly, along with those challenges, comes feelings of frustration, hopelessness, guilt, embarrassment or anger, for both the caregiver and the person with dementia. Challenging behaviors can occur in up to 90 percent of persons with dementia, and can be as upsetting to the person as they are to the caregiver.

Types of behavior

Challenging behaviors can include repetition, resistance, suspicious delusions, confusion, wandering, agitation and verbal or physical aggression. It also includes eating and sleeping schedules.

Behaviors may lead to erratic, unpredictable and uncontrolled outbursts. However, behaviors have a purpose and are often triggered by un-met needs. Persons with dementia may wander aimlessly. Are they trying to find their children, parents or spouse? Are they agitated, because they have a physical complaint and can’t communicate it? Did they become aggressive and raise their fist, when a caregiver they no longer recognize, is attempting to undress them? Is the room too hot, too cold, too noisy, or is a task too overwhelming?

Identifying the triggers may help in offsetting the behaviors and controlling the cascade of events. Collecting information about the behaviors, and the events surrounding them, are necessary. Charting these episodes allows caregivers to actually “see” and track the patterns. While this is time-consuming, it allows the caregiver to see the bigger picture, develop new approaches and prevent the behavior.

Changing the challenging behaviors

Once patterns are determined, caregivers can make adjustments in approaches and routines. The caregiver can introduce interventions specific to the person and the need – interventions that elicit fond memories, and promote distraction, redirection and engagement.

Increasing socialization, introducing therapies such as music, exercise or pets, making subtle changes to the person’s environment, and focusing on the person and not the task, can reduce the likelihood of problematic behaviors. It can be a full-time job, but controlling the process contributes to feelings of accomplishment for everyone.

And finally, a note for the caregiver – Have you taken a break? Do you recognize the emotional burden of care-giving, and the importance of connecting with professionals, support systems, agencies and others like yourself? It’s vital for your own care and quality of life.

Find the time and allow this to happen.  

It’s all about changing behaviors!

Susan Koons is a Clinical Nurse Leader for Hospital Based Services, Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services and an Adjunct Professor at the University of Detroit Mercy.  Her background is in Older Adult Services and Hospice care. 

by Rebecca Barcy, PhD, NCSP

As I meet with parents and children, a common concern that is often raised is how to handle bullying behaviors in the neighborhood or school. Both parents and children relate worries about how to respond when they or someone they care about are the targets of aggressive behavior or intimidating threats.

Bullying behaviors range from physical violence to more subtle, yet equally destructive, patterns of verbal or social cruelty. You and your child are not alone in facing this problem. It is estimated that 15 - 30 percent of young people are affected.

While boys are more often involved in physical bullying, girls may be victims of more subtle intimidation, such as rumors or social exclusion. Bullying causes distress to millions of children and adolescents, and many adults still remember an earlier childhood bullying experience as traumatic.

So what can caring adults do to address this problem? Overcoming this behavior requires parents and school personnel to work together to identify and manage bullying in order to create an environment in which students feel safe. Children need to believe that adults will protect them if they are to feel confident in handling bullying. Adults who treat others with care and respect are positive, powerful models. Letting young people know that you will listen without judging them is important in helping them confide in you.

What Parents Can Do

Help your child build self-confidence and positive friendships:

• Find a variety of activities that your child enjoys and does well
• Encourage children to support their peers and downplay competition
• Give positive recognition for appropriate social behaviors

Stay aware of what is going on in your child’s life:

• Bullied children give signals that something is wrong. Note withdrawal, reluctance to go to school, physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, or problems sleeping
• Talk to your child about any concerns
• Reassure your child that you will work with the school to stop the behavior

Teach children strategies to counter bullying, such as:

• Walking away from the bully
• Delivering a simple response such as “So?” or “Whatever” with a shoulder shrug
• Using humor
• Getting help from an adult
• Avoid provoking the bully - some bullying is “payback”

Check out programs to counteract bullying at your child’s school and get involved. Be part of the solution.

Rebecca Barcy, PhD, NCSP, is a fully licensed psychologist and a nationally certified school psychologist who works at the Pine Rest psychological consultation center which provides psychological and neuropsychological assessments, evaluations, and recommendations.

*Some information provided from the National Association of School Psychologists, Bethesda, MD, http://www.nasponline.org.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Do you or someone you know:

• Struggle with depression and have difficulty feeling like you can experience joy
• Have ADHD that makes school really difficult
• Have relationship challenges due to bipolar disorder
• Drink too much and your family is concerned
• Have a hard time keeping a job because of anxiety
• Have panic attacks that have affected your ability to work toward your goals

These are just a couple of examples that show how our mental health impacts our daily lives. This week (October 2-8) is Mental Health Awareness Week. Check out this website  and find out more about what it means to become educated about mental health as well as what you can do to fight the stigma that comes with mental illness that so often is found in media, among friends, at schools, and in our communities. There is something you can do to create more of a welcoming and caring atmosphere for those who struggle—and this connection and desire to be understood and valued  is at the heart of all of us.

If you (or someone you know) would benefit from support and professional help, in order to improve mental health, please check out www.pinerest.org to take the first step towards taking care of yourself.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I talked about secrets in my last blog and received a specific question about how to address the issue of secrets with teenagers. What is a parent to do when it is discovered that your teen, or a teen you know, is keeping a secret about the behavior of a friend or peer from you? How do you get your teen or your tween to share this information with you? This is such a tough call—to report what is going on to someone who can be helpful (think police, school officials, parents of the teen in question) or to keep quiet so that you don’t jeopardize the trust relationship you have with your own child telling you this type of information. I’m sure we all have reference points for this challenge—either we remember when we were teens ourselves, not sharing with mom and dad how friends were drinking over the weekend in fear of being found out as a tattletale, or have encountered this type of scenario with our own children.

There definitely is a code of secrecy among teen peers. To be discovered as someone who passes along sensitive information to their own parents is one of the worst things imaginable for any teen. Due to their developmental stage, putting priorities in order of safety first, relationship second, is almost impossible. Encouraging your teen to be open with you and share sensitive information is not a one conversation situation. Opening dialogue into difficult topics is something that takes patience and consistency. Teens can smell a “nosey” parent a mile away and usually will try to keep that distance permanent!

So, to open up this dialogue there a couple of things to remember. First, teens talk when they want to, not only when you are ready for them to! Avoiding investigative type questions that puts pressure on them to divulge will do the opposite of what you are hoping for. Instead, opening up time—drive time, around the kitchen time, hanging out watching TV time, where you can ask open ended questions (“How’s your friend doing?” or “I heard that your friend is having some issues, what have you heard?”) to see what your child is comfortable sharing is a good place to start. If your teen seems closed off, it’s a pretty good signal that some more time for this type of dialogue is necessary so that you can gain a footing of what’s going on in their inner world. Also, showing them through experience that they can trust you with sensitive information is also helpful. Are you an effective secret keeper? Working on this is also a good place to start. At lastly, I encourage contact with your teen’s social circles. Even if this means doing things you don’t particular enjoy—getting into their environment is a crucial way to know who’s who and to discover more of who you teen is when they are with their friends. As you get to know the secrets your teen holds, you build relationship with them and also come to a greater understanding of when it might be called for to take action in keeping others in your teen’s life safe.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

One of my children is in the stage where secret keeping is fun. “Tell me a secret, Mom!” is something she tells me often, and most frequently in order to help her feel like she has a one up on her sister (I think!). Secrets can be fun—anticipating sharing something special can be exciting. I remember when my husband and I held the secret that we were pregnant—it was so wonderful to watch the reactions on our family and friends faces when we shared this. Indeed, secrets reveal varied emotions in us.

In my line of work, I get to hear a lot of people’s secrets—the not so fun and exciting ones--deep, dark, personal things that they might have never voiced to anyone before. For some reason, the safety of knowing that what they share is confidential, and having the time I share with them being somewhat separate from the other parts of their life fosters some of that openness. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it doesn’t happen before someone is finished coming to see me, because it’s just too tough to share. Secrets---most of us have them. Most of us keep them to ourselves.

What I know to be true about secrets is that they can be powerful. They can cause someone to feel a lot of shame inside. Even when not spoken, family secrets can repeat themselves from generation to generation (just taking a look at family history and patterns reveals this). Secrets can make us feel like we aren’t worthy of love, of connection with others. We feel alone and isolated. It’s pretty amazing when a dark secret is released in the safety and trust of a supportive relationship. This can lead to healing, to moving beyond the hold that something like this has on a person.

Do you have a secret? Does it have a hold on you? Would sharing this mean taking a risk that might actually draw you closer to others in your life? Are you someone who could handle hearing the secrets of others—being non judgmental, open, and warm? What might it take for you to move towards this type of risk taking and connection building with others in your life?

(Editor's Note:  Kristin Kuiper's blog also appears at marandatv.com. This week, Krisitn responds to a fellow blogger on the website regarding talking to children about tragic events)

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Thank you, Jamie marandatv.com, for sharing this parenting moment and the challenges that come with parenting a young child amidst tragic events, specifically what is going to become even more intensely covered as September 11 nears. I’ve been thinking about this also, as my children are young and curious also! It really is nearly impossible, especially with a child Sophia’s age, to shield them from information that will be all over the media in the next month. Plus, some review of the events and discussions are sure to happen in school. So, how to respond? This is challenging and depends on several factors…

1. Your parenting style: Is talking about challenging topics (think sex, money, death) something that comes easily for you? In your family, do you welcome your child’s questions or do you try to avoid talking about certain subjects? Knowing your parenting style is an important part of acknowledging how this might impact your response to your child’s questions about events surrounding September 11.
2. Your child’s age and stage of development: Let’s take a look at young children, ages 4-7, in particular. At this stage of development, children are still learning to fully distinguish between reality and fantasy. Truth and judgment in their little minds is largely based on their perception—this is why they need you to be present in conversation to meet their need for security, to gently correct misinformation, and offer them some basics of how they can cope with fears that result from what they are seeing and hearing around them.
3. Your child’s personality and temperament: Every child develops a way of relating to the world around them and finding their place in it. How they do this is influenced by their hard wiring. Your child might be naturally more sensitive and perceptive, prone to anxiety, or might be a child open to risks and not easily phased by confronting these delicate topics. Keep your child’s temperament in mind as you decide how and when to share or respond.

 Several things you will want to keep in mind as you anticipate questions about September 11:

1. If your child imitates, mimics, or acts out the events in the news in their fantasy play, don’t be alarmed. When your child does this it is actually a good sign that your child is processing events around them. Listening in can be startling but also quite fascinating to see their little minds and emotions at work. Signals that your child might need some additional support include nightmares, overly aggressive or withdrawn behaviors.
2. Answer their questions in simple concrete terms. Try not to use too many words, which can be very overwhelming for young children. For example, when talking about terrorism, simply stating “Some people chose to hurt a lot of people and this is very sad. They chose to fly airplanes into tall buildings and they fell down” might offer the information young children need. Even stating “I don’t know why” or “I wonder that too, it doesn’t make sense, does it?” may provide more comfort that trying to give an pat answer.
3. Children will respond to the emotional climate you set. Even young children have a keen way of sensing your discomfort or anxiety about their feelings or questions, which might impact them sharing these things with you. Encouraging your children to communicate with you includes showing them you are listening and also accepting their feelings, not simply trying to redirect them or change the topic.
4. Don’t expect one conversation. Questions and discussion that come up as this date nears merely open a dialogue into tough topics. If your child feels safe and welcomed into expressing vulnerable fears and questions, it is highly likely that these conversations are just beginning. This is where a healthy positive relationship, one with trust and openness, can flourish between you and your child.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I know that most of us are not ready to hear the phase “Back to School” quite yet. There is still beach weather to enjoy, maybe even a last vacation to take before the routine and early mornings begin again. For some families on balanced school calendars, your week is now here. For others, there are several last weeks of summer to savor.

Recently, I had someone ask me what I see as a common misperception about heading back to school and making the family adjustments that come with this change. I want to pass along to you something that I see often that can be challenging for parents and children and will probably come up for many of you as school begins again.

Because our children are dependent on us, parents play a huge role in getting children prepared for school—the supply shopping, the filling out of numerous forms, the clarification and enforcement of bed times and wakeups, the transport to and from the increasing amount of sports practices and social activities, and more. All of this is to be expected and very much needed—however, one area that I see parents taking too much responsibility for is their children’s emotions. When our children are anxious, sad, frustrated, worried, or angry, it might feel instinctual to try and take these emotions away from our children. Sometimes we might even take on their emotions and realize how much our mood shifts with our children’s.

Although it may be difficult, I want to challenge you toward being in relationship with your child through hard emotions and transitions, rather than trying to take away the difficult things they feel or face. Building relationship with your child through challenges and adjustments looks like spending quality time together, asking questions like “what else are you experiencing?” or “what does that feel like?” and holding back tendencies to solve problems or reassure them that everything will be okay. Offer to help brainstorm ideas or solutions rather than offering a pat answer. Building relationship in this way helps them build security and trust in you and also helps them learn to problem solve and trust themselves.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

With all of the events in the news lately, and I’m specifically referring to the tragedy in Grand Rapids, Michigan last week, many parents are wondering how to respond to what is happening with their children. If you are a parent, perhaps you are glued to the television for the most up to date information and your child has heard bits and pieces of the story. Perhaps after playing with friends, your child comes home with questions or new fears are expresses because this tragedy hit so close to home. Maybe your anxiety has heightened and your child, however young, feels your worry.

It can be very difficult as a parent to know how to share with our children the sad realities of the world we live in. There is so much brokenness that we see on a regular basis. Our instincts to protect them kick in at times like this. But with the availability of media, social networking, and 24/7 news cycles, parents are often left with questions of what protecting our children actually looks like in our culture today.

There are a couple of tips that I want to encourage you to implement at home. Taking advantage of these recommendations will help your home and the relationships you have with your children be a safe place, a refuge, from everything that is going on around them.

• Keep routines intact—when challenges arise in the family or in the community, keep the home routines going to the greatest extent possible. By routines, I mean mealtimes, wakeup/bedtime rituals, family connection rituals, etc.
• Heighten your awareness of emotional and behavioral changes in your children—unlike adults, children don’t express fear and anxiety with words. However, you may notice more acting out, aggressive behavior or withdrawal, or even physical symptoms like stomach aches or low appetite and energy. Recognizing these changes will help you understand if your child might be struggling with what is going on around them.
• Simplify “screen time”- children, especially when young, are very concrete thinkers. This means that when children are exposed to things such as news programs, they are not able to recognize that the events shown are not happening over and over again, each time they are shown. They are not able to understand that where these events have occurred is not directly near them. Cutting down when and where the TV is on and filtering what images they see or read online is important.
• Nurture a low stress home- When children experience stress, they are less able to learn and trust, and connect with others (the hormone cortisol is to blame for this). Children absorb their parents’ emotions. So, taking care of yourself at times like this is critical—recognizing what you might be unintentionally passing along to your child will help you parent well.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I hope that you all had a wonderful long, lazy 4^th of July weekend! I know I did…in fact, this was the first 4^th of July that my family attended fireworks together. In years past, it has been challenging for my children to stay up so late, or we’ve had a newborn, or being young parents, have been too exhausted to go. But, we had a relaxing time with friends, enjoying cotton candy and talking about which fireworks were our favorite. Over the weekend, we also celebrated my daughter’s 5^th birthday—complete with a castle cake and lots of pink and yellow. The weekend was full of celebrating.

Celebrating like this has gotten me thinking about relationships in our lives. I hear a lot about people’s relationship concerns and frustrations. I know that marriages, parenting, and friendships can be difficult and full of pain. I also know that even in the toughest relationships a critical ingredient towards growth and joy is celebrating the other person. This might look different depending on the type of relationship. For your spouse, this might involve affirming a hobby or noticing through a card or words what you see as positive characteristics in them. For your child, this might mean making them their favorite snack or delighting in a recent milestone or accomplishment rather than staying silent. In a friendship, this might look like encouraging a friend towards a goal of theirs even if you don’t quite understand why that is important to them.

Delighting in others is vital in healthy relationships. It often takes humility as well as grace to extend this to another person, especially when the relationship is in a tough spot. How have you celebrated others that are in your life lately? How might you take a step towards delighting in someone important in your life today?

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

My husband returned from a work related trip out to the east coast this past weekend. Although his conference was professionally rejuvenating, the return trip home was less than stellar. He got stuck over night in Chicago, had multiple delayed flights, even boarded a flight home and then was told it was cancelled and had to get off the plane. So frustrating! Anyways, he ended up driving home from Chicago after the whole flight fiasco, with three other travelers who needed to get to Grand Rapids that day. Four people who didn’t know each other, spending three hours together—probably all quite tired from travel and frustrated with the trip logistics that were very much out of their control.

The interesting part of all of this was that these four people got to know each other quite well. My husband came back knowing about the lives of three other people, in a lot of detail actually. When I asked him what made the conversations go so well, he said “Well, we all asked each other good questions.”

Asking good questions--open ended questions-- is a key part in getting to know some one or nurturing a current relationship. These questions get more than “yes” and “no” answers.  If you think back to a time you were in a social situation that went well, or a conversation that tanked, the presence of open ended questions most likely determined some of that success or failure. Asking questions of another person encourages dialogue, conveys that we are interested in them and not just ourselves, and is also a skill that we can all build if we want to grow our ability to connect well with others.

Some examples of open ended questions that you can practice in a variety of relationships are…

• What kind of day did you have today?
• What brought you to the area?
• How did you become interested in…?
• What are some of your plans for the summer?
• Tell me more about your family…
• What is on your mind?
• Interesting…tell me more how you came to view things that way…

When we ask questions, we invite relationship to happen. People feel understood and quite often will follow their response with a question back to you!

by Krisitn Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

For some reason, I’m seeing a lot of people who are struggling with anger right now. Do you ever feel like you can go from 0-10 before you even realize it? Ever feel like you blow up (or maybe you shut down) and then have to reap the negative consequences in your marriage, with your child, or in your friendships? Well, if this is true for you, I encourage you to read on…

Anger shows up in a lot of ways. Sometimes people show it—yelling, irritability, sarcasm—and sometimes people don’t—stomach aches, depression, resentment. No matter how it shows up for you, anger is an emotion that requires our attention and understanding so that it doesn’t affect our relationships in harmful ways.

I use a helpful scale with clients who are struggling with anger that increases understanding of this emotion and helps with practical ways to handle actions that result from anger. This scale describes the levels of emotion that have to do with the primary emotion of anger. See if you can identify in yourself when you are feeling:

1. Displeasure
2. Annoyance
3. Irritation
4. Exasperation
5. Rage
6. Fury

Often we disregard emotions that seem “smaller” or “not a big deal” like when we feel annoyed or irritated. But, by doing this, we often cut off our ability to manage more challenging and serious emotions like rage or even fury. By identifying in yourself what you feel in your body when you examine each of these levels and also what thoughts are present for you when you feel each of these emotions, you’ll become more aware of how you can stop the 0-10 cycle, maybe even recognizing when you go from 0-2! I think your family and friends will thank you and you’ll end up feeling better about yourself.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

The end of the school year is fast approaching! In my household, I have one child wrapping up preschool this week and another finishing kindergarten next week. And then…three kids at home…all day…for the whole summer. This lays a pretty ripe foundation for a whole lot of sibling competition and arguing, not a lot of structure, and a house that is always a mess of sand, dirt, and paper creations. For me, being a Type A--I like structure--I don’t like mess type of person, just the anticipation of this has been enough for me to feel the anxiety creep in these last couple of weeks.

In my household, we’re trying to come up with some age appropriate systems for getting household responsibilities done each day, for keeping the house somewhat kept together, and to give incentives for positive sibling interaction, not to mention add some semblance of structure to the day to keep us all sane. And a bonus would be to curb the “I’m hungry I need a snack” comments that I hear almost every hour from my four and a half year old, which usually equals “I’m not hungry” at suppertime! I’ve had conversations with friends, have read some idea books, and have checked out blogs on these topics and have found that there is a wealth of information out there when it comes to summer survival!

Our culture certainly reinforces this notion that we have to figure it out all on our own—individualism is viewed as a strength. Our neighbors, who just returned from 5 months in Ghana, have helped me understand in describing their experiences, that other cultures view parenthood and child rearing as a communal activity—which decreases the “I’m so alone in all of these struggles” mentality that often invades our thinking when challenges arise.

So, I’m looking for best practices that you have found to be successful in your family. Or maybe you’ve found out through experimentation what doesn’t work—I’d like to know that too! Instead of reinventing the wheel let’s draw some ideas from each other because we’re all in this together!

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Do you consider yourself to be creative? For a lot of people, just being asked this question brings up feelings of inadequacy. Maybe you’ve always thought of yourself as the “non creative type.” Maybe you used to have time to express your creativity but now you are busy with children, with your job, with accomplishing day to day tasks, so collapsing on the couch at 9 pm is more where it’s at for you.

There are a lot of myths that we often associate with creativity that keep us from being creative . For one, we believe that creativity is a rare find. The truth is, research shows that everyone has creative abilities. Despite what you’ve read or have been told, scientific research shows that creativity is not located in one particular area of the brain. So, claiming that we’re “just not right brained” doesn’t cut it anymore!

So, if we all have creative potential and abilities, what gets in the way of nurturing our creativity? The risk of social disapproval is a major deterent to creativity. We’re scared of being made fun of, of looking silly, of messing up. Nurturing our own creativity involves taking a risk and being vulnerable and also being open to making mistakes.

One of the main ways you can access your inner creative spirit is to let go of comparing yourself to others. The comparison game doesn’t really get us anywhere. In fact, it paralyzes most of us. There have been many times when I have thought about taking risks and have been stopped dead in my tracks when thinking of someone else who took a bigger or better form of the risk I am considering…the thoughts of “I’m not good enough” start to creep in and my creativity crawls right under the covers.

Another way of growing creativity is to challenge yourself and to broaden your exposure to new areas of interest and knowledge.

When you think about yourself as a creative person, what thoughts arise for you? What gets in the way of your nurturing your creativity? How might growth in this area be helpful for you and for your roles and relationships in your life? What will be the first step that you take towards growth in this way?

For more information on this topic and similar issues mentioned in this blog entry, check out The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It’s a wonderful resource!

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Furious, ecstatic, rejected, agitated, proud, encouraged, lonely, glum, ruffled, bothered, ticked off, pleased, optimistic, perplexed, awkward, left out, refreshed, secure…to mention a few. I’m sure you can come up with some other words that might describe how you are feeling right now.

Have you experienced any of these emotions lately? Or have you been too busy, too distracted, to out of tune to notice anything more in yourself than mad or glad? When we get busy, get overwhelmed with certain stages and phases of life, when we have a full calendar, we can often forget to tune in and tend to what is going on for us emotionally. And we all know what happens then—we might be exploding at our partner, feel exhausted, get sick more often, experience a  lack of joy, among other regrettable things.

Research shows that people who try and numb their emotions or try to ignore negative emotions (anger, sadness, fear, etc) also have a difficult time accessing wonderful and positive emotions (joy, delight, belonging). This leads to a lot of anxiety, depression,  apathy. We humans are hard wired to experience a very full range of emotion. Some of these emotions are uncomfortable—we learn over the course of our lives that they are not okay or we feel confused when we stumble through how to express them in responsible ways. Other emotions are challenging because they are so strong in positive ways (I remember when I delivered my first child—the depth of my relief and joy was nearly impossible to express!). Sometimes we try and numb out these undesirable feelings through drinking too much, eating too much, surfing the internet for too many hours, getting too busy with activities.

Do you notice this in yourself—some emotions that are there but aren’t being tended to? Part of what gets in the way is our own judgement of ourselves—being hard on ourselves when certain feelings arise. Practicing kindness and gentleness toward yourself and recognizing that it is critical to honor your emotions so that you can be present in your life, in your roles, and in your relationships is part of working toward emotional health.++

by Kristin Kuiper LMSW, MSW

This weekend on Where You Live, Maranda is going to be focusing on the heated issue of money and finances in marriages and families. I’m excited to see what she is going to be highlighting and have been able to share a few pointers which will be on the show as well.

Before you and your spouse even BEGIN to get into another argument or heated “discussion” about the checkbook, I want to encourage you to keep a few things in mind that might be helpful in getting you heard and in reaching some understanding and compromise around challenging money issues.

When you think about discussing a tough topic, like finances, think about how you are working to “secure the environment” of the conversation. In other words, really pay attention to how you are contributing to dynamics that make these kinds of conversations so difficult. Are you being defensive? Are you criticizing your spouse? Do you shut down when the same issues come up over and over again? These contributions to difficult conversations are ones that you have some control over.

Instead of resorting to these common ways of trying to get your points across in conversation, ask yourself, “What is my real dream here that I could communicate?” or another way of asking the same question is “What conversation could I be having about something that I am desiring instead of having this current argument?”

Case in point: I worked with a couple recently in which one spouse was very excited about starting his own business and was ready to cash out his 401K and sell valuable items to fund the start up. His wife panicked at this thought and refused to support his efforts. He felt criticized and became distant. In this type of situation, what we focused on was identifying the “dreams” present. She desired and dreamed of a secure financial future. He dreamed and desired adventure and the freedom from a corporate setting. When they identified their desires, we were able to come to some understanding of how they might love each other well and support each other’s dreams amidst this decision. They are still working this out, but are working toward compromise and find that they feel like they are on the same team now.

When you think of the rough spots in your conversations about money with your partner, is there a consistent dream or desire that is present for you? Is there a way you could communicate this dream that might increase understanding and conversation in your relationship, rather than conflict?

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Many parents that I see complain that their children are selfish. Always texting. Never wanting to eat supper with the family. Yelling “me first” way too often. Spending excessive amounts of time in the bathroom. Wanting more clothes or more drive time. The truth is, developmentally, children are very egocentric. They think about themselves a lot, if not most of the time. Really, their worlds revolve around them.

For parents who want to nurture the value of altruism in their children, this reality can be frustrating. We want our children to desire to give to others, we don’t want to have to make them do this, which can take the joy out of giving and just creates one more thing for us to nag them about, right?

There really isn’t any magical way to create or nurture this value, but what we do know is that children learn best through consistency, role modeling, and hands on experiences. In my last blog I talked about keeping our own social networking habits in check as we model to our children what a healthy relationship with technology looks like…and it is the same with service.

A couple years ago, our street held our first block clean up. My middle child was 2 years old at the time. Our task during this cleanup was to travel up and down our street in Eastown and pick up litter along the way. Because we live close to businesses and are in a general walk through area, there is a lot of litter that accumulates. My daughter really got into this task, and ever since has been pretty passionate about picking up “glitter” whenever she sees it. Last week she even got a big thumbs up from a local business owner as she got off her bike, picked up a piece of trash, and found a nearby garbage can. I find this whole experience interesting because I have not talked to her about the importance of picking up litter, we just experienced it together. Because of that experience, and block clean ups since, her little mind has been imprinted with the value of cleaning up what is not supposed to be there (now only if this transferred to her bedroom!).

This is a simple story, but one that I think illustrates the point well and might encourage you as a family to look for ways you can serve together. Maybe, as you look ahead to the summer and recognize more open spaces in your family schedule, you can integrate some regular way of giving or serving along with the vacations, sports events, and barbeques you are looking forward to.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

If you’re reading this, chances are pretty good that you were made aware of this blog via Facebook. It’s become standard language to most—“I saw that on Facebook.”, or “Her status said her surgery went well”, even “They had their baby--I saw the pictures on Facebook”.

I’ve worked with clients who’ve friend requested me (which I don’t accept, just because of the nature of my relationship with them), who have had affairs that began on Facebook, who have been bullied on Facebook, even those who have decided to deactivate their accounts because of problems they’ve encountered on Facebook. It’s really becoming quite a fascinating part of our culture today.

I came across an article lately  that discusses the potential challenges that Facebook brings to teens who might already be struggling with self esteem and peer acceptance. The American Academy of Pediatrics has concluded that certain aspects of Facebook can make it difficult for teens who struggle with feeling like they don’t measure up to others. Teens may feel like they don’t have as many “friends” as other peers on the social networking site, or might obsessively check status updates of others who appear to be having more lively and engaging experiences than they are. These types of things can breed symptoms of depression for teens who already tend towards this disorder. As the article mentions, Facebook can feel like one big popularity contest.

So, for concerned parents out there who are wondering how to determine if this might be a concern for your teen, here are some recommendations:

• Recognize the positive functions and benefits to Facebook such as connecting with family and friends, sharing pictures and ideas, and fostering positive communication with others. Facebook is a teen’s social reality.  Facebook is not bad in and of itself, but it’s usage can go too far.
• Talk with your teen about their use of Facebook and how they view the benefits and challenges of it. Opening the door to this kind of dialogue displays that you are not naïve in realizing the presence of online bullying, harassment, etc.
• Role model healthy behaviors regarding social networking. Adults are not immune to these struggles. Sharing some of your challenges or how you have decided to set particular limits can encourage your teen in the right direction.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Recently, a blog reader asked me to address the difficult toddler milestone of potty training. Where do I even begin with this one?! So many parents have different strategies, “what worked for them” stories, and opinions on this issue. Speaking of myself, I have two kids down, one to go in my household!

I remember several years ago, when my oldest was in the thick of potty training, I took her to the mall play land to burn off some late afternoon toddler energy on a cold winter day. I was holding my then newborn daughter while my 2 ½ year old was having a good time climbing on rubber breakfast food. As I was settling in with my cup of coffee and taking a breath from the challenges of the day, my 2 ½ year old called out “Mommy, I need to go potty….Mommy, I’m going potty!” Not less than 10 minutes later, the play land had been cleared out and a cleaning crew had arrived to scrub down the big waffle and banana. Oh, I felt humiliated. I felt embarrassed. And only now can I look back with some semblance of a smile.

I’m sure most parents carry around these potty training horror stories. Isn’t parenting full of these types of “I never thought this would happen to me” moments? When it comes to potty training, I truly believe that as parents we need to relinquish what is out of our control (our toddler’s behavior) and focus on what we bring to the process. Patience, consistency, and creative thinking is the foundation for reducing some of the anxiety and frustration that comes with walking a child through this time and will work towards strengthening the relationship you value with your child.

Here are a couple of potty training suggestions that many parents I have worked with (and myself) have found to be helpful.

• Reward system: whether it is a sticker, an M&M or a lot of verbal praise, toddlers this age thrive on immediate gratification for positive behavior. Developmentally, this is how their minds work. When there are accidents, which are inevitable, be cautious not to take away rewards or punish. Reinforcing the positive behavior is the goal.
• Don’t compare: Parents are quick to volunteer success stories. When you are in the middle of potty training, this can often be discouraging instead of helpful. Comparisons get you nowhere. Just because it is taking your child a bit longer to grab on to the idea does not mean that your parenting skills are the problem. Keeping perspective, and your sense of humor, is critical!
• Consistency: Some children who are very ready to potty train succeed quickly when parents give a focused amount of time to the process. For example, you might try committing to 3-5 days of home time. During those days, have your child sit on the potty every 1-2 hours, focus heavily on rewards, and limit outside activity and distraction during that time. Focusing on the task in a concentrated block of time takes commitment but may reduce the overall time it takes for your child to latch on to this new behavior.

What has or has not worked for you? What other childhood milestone challenges are present for you as a parent? How have you been able to keep perspective while facing these challenges?

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

Getting back to the question of what do I do to address anger in my life, let me first say that getting anger out of the picture takes work.  The good news, from my experience, is that about 80% of most people’s anger can be undone and put away when they are intentional about it within a matter of a month or two.  The difficult news is that it seems the other 20% can be pretty stubborn.  However, any improvement you make is a move in the direction of better relationships with others and improved personal health, so it’s worth the effort.

The first step is to catch what it is you’re saying to yourself – your negative self talk.  Next, you’ll have to get in the habit of looking at what’s making you mad and telling yourself the truth instead of whatever’s presently running through your head.  Finally, as you replace your old, negative self-talk with the truth, you follow that up by focusing on what’s good and positive in support of the behavioral change you’re trying to make.

Daniel Amen, M.D., in his book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, refers to the process as ‘stepping on’ the ANTS in your life – the automatic negative thoughts.  Some people, like Reneau Peurifoy in Anger: Taming the Beast expand on these basic elements at some length, while others like William Backus in Learning to Tell Myself the Truth tend to focus on the importance of step two.  For people of faith, skeptical of most things psychological, fear not.  Step one is in essence “take every thought captive…”; step two reflects “you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free”; and, for the third step and the importance of replacing old thinking with positive self talk, see Gal. 4:6-8.

It takes about four to six weeks for most people to make significant changes in their internal dialogue, and as you continue the process you should be learning how to replace old self-talk and behavior with simply saying what you want and setting boundaries with others as needed.

One final observation: when you begin to change how you respond to things, and no longer get upset or angry like you used to, don’t be surprised if some people close to you don’t applaud your self-control or cheer the fact that you’re finally changing that bad behavior.  When you change angry behavior, as bad as it may have been, some folks may not know how to respond – and they may not like that.  That’s okay.  It’s all part of the change process, and unpacking a legacy with anger in it is well worth it.

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

“How does it feel,” I ask her, “now that your coping skills are holding up – you seem to be feeling better, more in control.”

“Like something’s gonna’ crash,” comes the immediate answer.

She goes on to explain that things always go wrong, something always happens that messes things up, and while her faith assures her that she’s loved and that God is good…”  She hesitates.  But?  “But it doesn’t apply to me.”

“But it doesn’t apply to me.”  She’s already come a long way, working hard to unpack significant wounds in her past and put them in perspective.  And this work has begun to help her examine what she’s believed about herself most of her life; and she’s starting to see her true value as a human being.

“Oh, I know God loves me,” she answers correctly.  “Yes, I know He’s good.”  She’s two for two so far, and then, here it comes: “But it doesn’t apply to me because I’m not good enough.”  But… it’s such a small word, yet so completely able to ‘kill, steal, and destroy’ even the best intentions of the heart simply by erasing everything that comes after it. 

“You don’t feel good enough.”  I want to reframe her statement to help her get out of her head where the idea seems to be true, and instead frame it as a feeling so we can more easily challenge it.

“Right.  I just know I’m not good enough and, until I am, good things don’t apply to me.”  The idea that she isn’t good enough is true, she believes, because when things are going good, something bad always seems to happen, and when it does it feels like she’s being punished.  It only makes sense, she explains, because only bad people get punished, right?  Except now, the ‘punisher’ is God.

Part of the problem is that this woman – like a lot of us – keeps herself stuck by how she talks to herself.  What she doesn’t yet see is how out of habit her self-talk – that tape that plays in our heads all the time – reinforces the lie and her distorted self-image.  She has things backwards, right down to the language she uses with herself – and it effectively keeps her stuck, playing the same lie over and over.  In other words, she’s got her but in the wrong place. 

So, what did she do to help herself begin to break the hold this particular lie had on her?  We’ll have to finish this story next time.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I’ll admit that I’m dragging a bit this week. I just returned from a trip out to Seattle —so add a three hour time difference plus daylight savings time and this equals the need for some major sleep catch up now that I’m back in Michigan! Getting away and exploring this awesome city was wonderful but the primary reason I was in Seattle was to attend a practical and useful training on a particular method of therapy (www.gottman.com). Even though this therapy is specifically for couples, I walked away with some insights that may brighten and strengthen your family life as well.

At this training, and in a book that I just finished and highly recommend, The Intentional Family, the importance of building family connection and closeness was emphasized. The word that is commonly used with this process is ritual. A ritual is something in family life that is meaningful, is repeated, and is coordinated with other family members. Developing rituals of connection add many important things to family life, including:

• Predictability: a sense of order is essential for children to feel secure and safe
• Connection: rituals build the strength of relationships among family members
• Identity: a ritual can add to the understanding of what your family is about and what makes your family special
• A way to live out values: rituals can show what we believe in or show what gives us meaning and purpose

There are often rituals developed around mealtimes, bedtimes, holidays, family gatherings, among other times.

For example, a simple ritual around leaving for work could involve giving a hug to each child and encouraging them to share one thing that is coming up for them in their day. Leaving in this way takes on a new meaning rather than hurrying chaotically to get out of the door in a different way each day. Another example could revolve around mealtime conversation. Instead of being haphazard, each member at the table could take a turn sharing something that they learned that day or something they are thankful for. A ritual around mealtime could also involve how you call everyone to the table—you could get creative here instead of the usual hollering and nagging. These are just some of the multitude of ideas that you might think of when taking ordinary routines and turning them into rituals.

Can you think of a routine in your family that you could develop a ritual of connection around? Who would need to participate? How might you discuss your idea with your partner and/or children? How might this strengthen your family? Do you have a  current ritual of connection in your family that you’d like to share?

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

I’m seeing a dynamic emerging in the work I do with families and couples that is a relatively new observation for me, so I thought I’d run it by you to see what you think.  Also, since I work with a lot of people whose faith is centered in God through Christ, I’m going to frame it like that and, if that’s not your experience, I’ll let you translate it for yourself.  Either way, it goes something like this:

If my identity in Christ is clear and accurate and I know – as Jesus did – who I really am and what God really thinks of me, then I will in turn be seeing God as He really is.  This could be a chicken and egg sort of discussion, that is, do I first know who God is and then come to know myself as a result of that; or, do I first come to accept what God has to say about me, and then get to know who He really is?  Let’s say for now that’s not the point.

The point is this: once I know who I am, and who God really is, I’m able to rightly assess my worth and rightly assess God’s love toward me.  That correct assessment allows me to then receive God’s love as he desires me to experience it and, in turn, my response is able to be one of unfettered love, worship, awe, and adoration.  In other words, a sort of natural flow is set in motion where the one who rightly assesses their value and worth is able to receive love, and is also able to offer love in return in a smooth-flowing, reciprocating way.  Picture the symbol for eternity, a line flowing seamlessly back and forth in a loop.

The problem seems to occur – and it seems to occur a whole lot – that many of us don’t see ourselves as worthy of love.  While this may happen for a number of reasons, the net result is this: whatever love is sent – from God or anyone else – can’t really be received.  Instead, love may wind up coming to us as an experience of judgment, or condemnation, or something critical and ill-intended.  And, in return, we send back only what we’re able to offer from our own broken image of ourselves.  While this arrangement might work indefinitely with God, who never gives up on us or tires of our attempts to reach out to him, our families, friends, and loved ones may not handle this very well.

So, as a person of faith in God in Christ, to be able to receive love as it is intended I first need to get my identity clear and really know who I am.  If I’m clear about my true identity and value, I am then able to offer love without defensiveness, fear, or control to those around me – since that would be consistent with my identity.  As I grow in the one area, I grow in the other, and the flow of love between or among us (say, in our families) continues to be more and more free flowing.

Of course there’s a lot more to this dynamic as the process works itself out, but I hope this part makes sense.  Either way, feel free to let me know what you think.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Thank you to those of you who shared what you would like to see on this blog in the coming year. I appreciate your ideas and your openness in sharing what’s challenging for you. One of you shared some concerns and challenges in parenting your teen—concerns that I’m sure many parents of teens struggle with—how to respond to your teen when it appears that they are “slipping away”—not responding to yelling, counseling, conversations, etc. This can be frustrating and painful as parents—to wonder how your teen is going to emerge from the stressful years of adolescence.

Following are a couple of ideas that I want to encourage those of you who are trying to connect to your teen to put in place. And remember, even if you aren’t seeing the kind of change you are hoping for right away, be patient with the process. I am convinced that this is one of the character lessons we learn through parenting.

1.       On their terms: Engage your teen on their terms for an hour or two a week. This may in fact be the most challenging time for parents—to put aside your agenda, your “need to talk to you about this” list and your desires to persuade your teen in a certain direction—and just be with your teen. This might mean playing video games, perusing the mall, eating dinner while discussing the latest clothing styles at school, etc.

2.       Know their environment: Is there a way you can better understand and get to know your teen’s friends or primary environment (usually school)? Attending school events, opening up your home to your teen’s friends (brace yourself!), or even offering transportation to your teen and friends to evening and weekend events can add to your understanding of your teen and help you connect with them in a different type of way.

3.       What’s in it for me? As much as we’d like it to be different, teens are developmentally egocentric. Meaning—they think about themselves most, if not all, of the time (you probably don’t need this reminder!). When setting rules and boundaries, attempt to see the issue from your teen’s perspective. Why would it be of value to them to keep curfew if they don’t care if you are mad at them? What motivates your teen and how are you using this understanding to help them learn healthy behavior? Reminding your teen what’s in it for them is really about meeting them at their developmental level.

I would be interested in hearing how these ideas help you feel more connected to your teen—or what other ideas have worked for you!

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I’m celebrating a little anniversary this month. The month of March marks one year that I’ve been blogging on behalf of Pine Rest. I have really enjoyed this opportunity—to learn and share and to be able to provide information and insights that can be helpful to you and your family.

I’ve covered a wide variety of topics over the past year—topics that mainly I have chosen, based on the variety of needs and questions I encounter on a daily basis—both at home and at work. I’m going to put out a request for this next year, so here is your opportunity…

If you read this blog, I encourage you to comment (you can remain anonymous if you desire) and share what you would like addressed here.

Do you have a question about parenting or relationships? A concern about a friend? Challenges at work? Desire to learn more about a particular topic? Let me know!

You’ve received the invitation, now I look forward to hearing what you have to share!

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

She looked hurt and sad.  She was anxious.  She was trying to figure out what to do.  He looked frustrated, stuck, and trapped.  He said he felt controlled.  She said she was lonely and hurt.  And, like so often happens, by the time this couple comes for help they’re already right on the edge.

For several years now, to find time for himself, any chance he got he’d go riding bikes with a friend or two on the weekends to escape the pressures of his job.  Since getting married there’d been a couple of kids, a mortgage, and a pressure-cooker of a job.  Rarely, he felt, was there time for him.  He needed that time.

For her, the romance of their early days was exchanged for the ongoing duty of motherhood and a fairly demanding, though enjoyable, part-time job.  She was tired a lot, but it was mostly a good tired.  She admitted neither of them had much time or ‘space’ for themselves or each other.  And it was time with him that she had wanted desperately.  Time for herself, she said, she could sacrifice – if only there was some time for them.

Over a couple of years she watched weekends come and go with no real time with her spouse, and eventually she discovered that she could count on him to spend time with her if she planned their weekends out in advance… dinner with a large group of friends, or boating with her family.  Whatever it was, she found he’d be there for those sorts of things, so while what she really wanted was time with “my husband and best friend,” what she wound up settling for was sharing him with groups of people.  It wasn’t great, but for her it was something.

For his part he just wound up exhausted and sick of the whole thing.  He didn’t like large groups of people like she did, but he would fake it so no one was offended.  He certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings in her family, which he liked doing things with on occasion, but eventually he felt totally controlled and burned out from never having any time for himself or with his wife – and ironically, he resented her for it.

How sad.  Neither of these successful, competent, and all-too-familiar people was saying what they really wanted.  Neither just spoke up.  “I want some us time.”  Or, “I need to get out in the woods on my bike Saturday, but can you find a baby sitter for later that night?”  That doesn’t sound that tough, does it? But it is tough for a lot of us.  It’s hard to risk disappointing someone or, worse, risk being rejected. 

It seems that the answer is simple, but at least from what I see – personally and professionally – I know that it can be really, really hard to just say what you want.  Go ahead.  Try it, and see.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I was sitting with a couple this morning, listening to them summarize their main frustrations about their relationship. “She just takes everything I have to say as criticism, even if I’m just asking her about her day” he said. She responded, “Well, I’m so frustrated with you that you just don’t get me, you’re only interested in proving your point all the time.”

How many of us can relate to how this couple is feeling? Last week, I blogged  about the necessity of tough conversations—how they are almost unavoidable and require a lot of thought when we want them to turn out well. One step toward this is to stop blaming and begin sharing our point of view, realizing it might change if we really seek to understand the other person involved. My session with this couple this morning is also an example of how criticism so easily sets up these tough talks for failure.

Is criticism present in your relationships? Do you resort to criticizing your partner or your child when you are frustrated or feel misunderstood? When you feel like you’ve been criticized, how do you typically respond (anger, the silent treatment, tears?). Let’s take a closer look…

One easy way to detect criticism is to listen for “You” statements.

“You always talk about yourself.”

“You never help out with dinner.”

“You are always on your computer, you should spend more time with the kids.”

These statements basically state a feeling or complaint we have and turn it into a problem with another person’s character or personality.

A simple way to turn criticism into a valid complaint, and communicate this openly, is to turn the “You” into an “I.”

“I’ve been feeling lonely. I would like it if you would ask me about my day when you come home from work.”

“I’m feeling overwhelmed lately. I would appreciate it if you could make supper one night out of the week.”

“I’m frustrated with how often you play games on the computer. Can we figure out how to spend more time together as a family?”

Realizing that we have control of how we communicate our feelings, desires, and hopes to each other is an important part of setting a difficult conversation up for success.

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

Just before Valentine’s Day someone put some good questions to me about love and romance and all that stuff and it got me thinking about matters of the heart.  For instance, why is it you can be intensely attracted to someone and at the same time know they wouldn’t be very good for you?  Or, can you really be happily married 50 years?  Or is it possible to sustain romance?  Or, why does the spark of chemistry seem to disappear – and is it supposed to?

To answer some of these questions it may depend on your definition of love, and whether or not you’re talking about sexual attraction or the sometimes wonderfully obsessive, ‘I can’t eat / sleep / stop thinking about you experience we equate with ‘real’ / emotional love.  Also, it can be hard to tell the difference when both kinds of feelings get mixed up together.  Is it love or is it lust?  To make matters more confusing, sometimes the feelings don’t get mixed up together – and in fact we wish they would!  Like a physical attraction that lacks a deep emotional connection, or a deep emotional affection that lacks sexual passion.  This love and romance stuff can be downright hard.

So what’s going on?  The brain seems to be part of the problem since it has different control centers working on these two different issues.  One part, according to science, controls the sex drive, while a different part affects what we think of as romantic love – that craving and focusing on one special person.  But these two control centers aren’t always on the same page.  Which is why you can have ‘okay’ sex with someone you deeply love, and be intensely attracted sexually to someone you may not even like all that well.

Well, what’s the big deal?  The big deal from where I sit is that people struggle all the time with this contradiction of feelings.  It wrecks otherwise good relationships, ruins no shortage of marriages, and long before that happens it helps people make all kinds of poor life choices.  And while there are workshops and counseling and advice galore to remind us that love isn’t a feeling, and fools rush in, etc., etc., it seems in matters of the heart it can be hard to hear anything over the roar of our own emotions and desires.  We want what we want, and we want it regardless the cost.

So what’s love got to do with it?  I’d love to hear what you think.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Ugh. Have you ever felt a pit deep inside of your stomach as you’ve thought about having a difficult conversation? Thinking about asking your boss for a raise but know how she gets irritated easily? Wanting to talk with your child’s teacher about concerns over how your child has been treated in class? Knowing that things are not the same between you and your best friend and you probably need to talk about that elephant in the room? Enter nausea, right? Mustering up the courage to have these types of conversations is really tough. And feeling confident about how to have them can be even harder. Sometimes it’s easier to think about avoiding the person, place, or thing for a while, hoping it all blows over. But you know it probably won’t.

Here’s a simple little rule that I use and recommend when thinking about whether to avoid or confront a difficult issue. A while back, one of my friends introduced me to her “three day rule” for friendships. In a friendship, if something in a friendship or important relationship is bothering her or nagging at her for more than three days, she knows it needs to be addressed. I think that in a marriage, a “24 hour rule” is a healthy barometer of letting something go or addressing it with your spouse. After you decide if the issue or concern is something you can truly let go of (or not), then it is time to figure out how to have the conversation.

Often, when we have a tough talk with someone, we want to prove something, we want to send a very clear message. This backfires when the person we are talking with feels attacked and gets defensive. The conversation often ends with both people feeling misunderstood and frustrated, even angry. The key to approaching a hard conversation in a way that sets it up for success is to invite the other person in to the conversation with us—to move away from blame. Sharing your point of view and feelings is important and so is understanding that how we view the problem could change if we truly seek to understand the other’s point of view. Realizing that each person brings different realities and understandings of the same event to the conversation can help in figuring out solutions together.

In coming blogs, I’ll talk more about the elements of having that tough talk. In the meantime, think about the challenging conversations that you’ve had or think you might need to have. What has worked? What hasn’t worked? What are questions you have when thinking about how to bring up something difficult with someone in your life?

For more details on this, check out this book, Difficult Conversations.

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

I’ve seen two angry people this morning already.  These folks couldn’t be more different, right down to their gender.  Yet the effects of anger in their lives and on their relationships are so startlingly similar that I wanted to speak to this in case you may be wrestling with a personal legacy in which there is anger.  I used to…

First, know that most angry people are angry because somewhere along the way someone created a legacy with anger in it.  And the bad news is that legacy, along with the anger it contains, has now been passed down just like other more desirable legacies.   The good news is there are some fairly straightforward things you can do to address this issue if you or someone you love has received a gift like that.  But let me get back to that.

Second, having been given this legacy doesn’t excuse living off of it any more than receiving a legacy of family financial wealth excuses not doing anything positive with your own life.  You can do something about it, and should, unless you think anger will bring you or those you love anything positive – and it won’t.

Third, when you’re dealing with most all styles of anger (with the exception of domestic violence – that’s a different breed of cat) there are almost always some predictable steps in the change process, and that’s where the rubber hits the road anyway.  So, without going into all the “why do I act this way” questions or even the specifics of “what do I do about it,” I want to outline a few steps that I know from over five years of running an anger workshop and over twenty years of my own anger has taught me.

Yet, alas, this is a blog spot, not an article, and so if this is an issue you want to look at in more depth,  check back in a week or so.  Meanwhile, try not to let it make you angry!

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

In my last blog, I provided some basics about Seasonal Affective Disorder . And now, just in time for the big anticipated snowfall this week, I’ll be sharing some practical ways you can stay healthy—emotionally, mentally, and physically—as you try to keep S.A.D at bay.

Try something new: Even if a trip to the Caribbean is not a realistic idea for you right now (this is actually a suggestion for the treatment of S.A.D!), there are still new ventures you can engage this season. Is there a hobby, an interest that you could explore? Is there a project list that requires you to be indoors in order for you to complete? Is there a relationship that you’ve been meaning to give attention to or a community/global cause that has ignited your heart?

Trying something new keeps your mind energized and keeps you engaged with what sparks your interests and passions.

Move your body: There is quite the buzz about a yoga studio that opened up in my neighborhood recently. The unique thing about this studio is that it is heated to near 90 degrees while you take the yoga class. Imagine coming in from the cold, exercising, and by the end most likely wishing you were back out in the cold again! Moving your body in a new way is a good strategy for keeping things lively this winter.

My husband recently joined a kickboxing class (thanks for the deal, Groupon!). It’s a new type of challenge for him, it shakes up his normal daily routine just enough so that he feels the energy rather than the drain.

A friend of mine went snow shoeing last weekend around a beautiful area not far from town. She is loving winter in a whole new way—taking in the quiet, the awe of the winter scenes.

What are some new ways you could move your body and fight the urge to stay on the couch? This often takes some advance planning and also some tuning in to what energizes you.

Take initiative: It’s easy to complain, isn’t it? Once we start complaining, it’s even easier to continue and to draw others into this type of mentality. By taking initiative, I’m talking about taking ownership of our words and actions. If I feel cooped up, it really is my responsibility to make an action plan, even if I wish someone else would take care of this for me, isn’t it? If I feel like I need a change in my routine or I am frustrated with my current lifestyle habits, it can be tempting to push this off on others close to me. Misery loves company, this is true.

Is there an area of your life that you realize gets a lot of your negative energy? How could you take some initiative—what would the steps be towards making some positive changes in this area?

If symptoms feel more serious: If you try some of these ideas and it’s just not helping, it might be time to talk with your doctor or a counselor. There are some forms of therapy (light therapy, talk therapy or even medications) that can help you as you travel on the road to good health.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Around this time of year, I hear a lot of complaints about the weather. I even complain myself sometimes! It is gray. It is cold. The snow never seems to end. Many clients that I have struggle with depression, and the symptoms they experience sometimes feel worse this time of year. The holidays and celebrations are over. Spring Break feels like it’s a long ways away. The sun doesn’t come out much. It’s easy to feel blue just thinking about our West Michigan climate this time of year. For many years, I’ve been hanging on to the notion that our summers make all of this winter gray worth it. How many of you agree with me?

I want to share some information about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe you feel down and don’t feel like yourself—are you wondering if it’s connected to this season? When you look back on the past years, do certain patterns of your mood emerge based on the time of year? Our moods are affected by our hormones, by light, even by body temperature, all of which are affected by changes in season. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression—it’s beyond feeling like you have “cabin fever.”  If you are feeling like you just cannot shake the “winter blahs” no matter what you’ve tried, you may want to read on…

Here are some signs of Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you find that you experience a majority of these signs and have for the last several weeks, it might be time to seek some support. If left on its own, sometimes it resolves but there is a risk of this disorder turning into more severe depression.

• Social withdrawal, isolating yourself more than usual
• Lack of motivation, difficulty getting started with daily activities
• Increased appetite and/or weight gain
•  increased sleep and/or drowsiness or sleepiness during the day
• General lack of energy, most noticeably in the afternoon hours
• Feeling down, tearful, or excessively irritable

 There are many ways to start feeling better, even if you feel discouraged or hopeless today. In my next blog, I’ll share some practical ideas for how you can engage this season and stay healthy, despite the “winter blahs.”

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I’ve been reading through a stack of books these past several weeks, which I generally tend to do in the depths of these West Michigan winter months. One book that I’ve been reading offers some practical insights but also holds a perspective that is unique. Given the array of parenting books out there, I found this one extremely thoughtful and helpful. It is called Simplicity Parenting .

There are a couple of concepts from this book that I’d like to pass on to you, as those of you who have children of any age, strive to parent them well. This book really takes hold of the notion that to parent our children responsibly in our present culture involves knowing how to slow down and step back from the pressures that swirl around us as parents and around our children—pressures to have a lot, do a lot, and “go big or go home.” Here are some practical ideas that this book offers:

• Recognize that children get visually overwhelmed easily, which often leads to misbehavior. One way to minimize this is to create a “toy library.” Keep several bins of toys available to your children, but store other toys. Every so often, switch the toys bins that are available (exceptions include special items, favorite stuffed animals, etc). Having fewer choices minimizes anxiety in children. I’m sure that adults can relate to this—can you picture your own anxiety decreasing if there were only 3 choices of spaghetti sauce instead of 58 different varieties to choose from?!
• Sometimes even children need a break from the routines and pressures of their day. Seek to understand your child and notice the signs of when the pressures of school, activities, and friendships might be creating fatigue and irritability. Be willing to help your child take a temporary step back from some of these demands to restore their energy. Remember that you are their advocate in giving them permission to take care of themselves. A step back could look like an afternoon without plans outside of the home or a weekend where you keep social activities to a minimum.
• Projecting a general sense of optimism to your child can be encouraging and help them build trust in their own capabilities in how they engage their relationships and environment. Children look to adults to show them that they have a hopeful future. This sometimes requires limited the adult topics of conversation children are exposed to, doing more listening than talking, and showing them how you enjoy life.

My hope is that these tips can encourage you in your parenting adventures! How do you think you might try out these tips? Do you have other ideas? Please share...!

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

Wouldn’t it be nice sometimes to just get what you need?  I mean, what would it be like to be understood and responded to the way you wanted or needed in those important and difficult moments of your life by the most important people in your life?

I had a client come in and tell me that at our last meeting they would have just appreciated a little sympathy (or, said another way, “a little understanding”).  They shared that through the tears they were weeping in this our most recent session.

In my notes from the previous meeting all I could see was that I encouraged them to try to keep setting a much needed boundary with a really unhealthy family member.  It looked like there was venting, sarcastic humor, and a lot of frustration about the situation and the fact that things seemed so resistant to change, but no overwhelmed and deeply sorrowful weeping in sight – like there was in the current meeting.

I apologized and thanked them for bringing that to my attention, and concluded by observing that I had missed it – I just didn’t see what they needed in what they were showing me.  That’s when my client said, “Well, I just have to be the strong one all the time.”

Later it occurred to me: I’m sure I do that sometimes.  How about you?  Maybe you act like “I just have to be the strong one” and try to protect yourself by looking capable at times when you really need help or support?  And, like my client, maybe you don’t realize what you’re doing (though I bet at those times you are acutely aware of not getting what you want or need). 

If you can relate, try this: don’t disconnect from what you want or need in the moment by being the strong one.  Instead, give yourself permission to be a little more real, and then see what happens.  Pick your spots, of course, but risk being honest with the ones you love and the people you know you can trust.  Tell them what you think you need.  Ask for what you want.  And maybe just let them know from time to time, in so many words, “a little sympathy, please.”

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

With all of the events in the news lately, and I’m specifically referring to the tragedy in Tucson, many parents are wondering how to respond to what is happening with their children. If you are a parent, maybe your child has come home from school with some questions, perhaps you are glued to the television for the most up to date information and your child is doing homework nearby, hearing bits and pieces of the story. Maybe your anxiety has heightened and your child, however young, feels your worry.

It can be very difficult as a parent to know how to share with our children the sad realities of the world we live in. Our instincts to protect them kick in at times like this. But with the availability of media, social networking, and 24/7 news cycles, parents are often left with questions of what protecting our children actually looks like in our culture today.

There are a couple of tips that I want to encourage you to implement at home. Taking advantage of these recommendations will help your home and the relationships you have with your children be a safe place, a refuge, from everything that is going on around them.

• Keep routines intact—when challenges arise in the family or in the community, keep the home routines going to the greatest extent possible. By routines, I mean mealtimes, wakeup/bedtime rituals, family connection rituals, etc.
• Simplify “screen time”- children, especially when young, are very concrete thinkers. This means that when children are exposed to things such as news programs, they are not able to recognize that the events shown are not happening over and over again, each time they are shown. They are not able to understand that where these events have occurred is not directly near them. Cutting down when and where the TV is on and filtering what images they see or read online is important.
• Nurture a low stress home- When children experience stress, they are less able to learn and trust, and connect with others (the hormone cortisol is to blame for this). Children absorb their parents’ emotions. So, taking care of yourself at times like this is critical—recognizing what you might be unintentionally passing along to your child will help you parent well.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Happy 2011! By now the holiday celebrations and travels are finished, gifts have been opened, and food (perhaps way too much!) has been eaten. I’m sure many of you have thought about some personal goals for 2011; maybe there are specific things you want to change in your life, new hobbies you want to cultivate, skills you want to learn or a relationship you want to improve. The tradition of setting New Years resolutions has been around for a long time and is commonplace in our culture. The beginning of a new year is such a ripe time to make some positive changes. But, from my experience and maybe yours as well, resolutions are not often achieved.

 For several years I was a part of a gym and noticed that at the turn of the New Year, it was really difficult to find an open treadmill. I would even show up for spin class and be turned away due to all the bikes being occupied. The gym was bustling with new faces and people who were full of motivation to get in shape and feel good about themselves. However, I could pretty much count on that I would be able to get back on a treadmill or find an unoccupied bike without any problem around March…at that time, motivation has often faded, goals get put on our personal back burners again.

Are you a person who struggles with motivation? Do you set a goal and then have a difficult time achieving it? I have a visual that might be helpful as you pursue some fresh starts this year. Picture, in your mind—or draw on a piece of paper-- a ladder. Picture or write your goal at the top of this ladder—this is where you want to be. Then, picture yourself at the bottom of the ladder, looking ahead at the many rungs leading to the top. Ask yourself what it might look like to climb each rung for what it is—basically breaking your goal down into smaller and more achievable steps. Ask yourself what kind of support you have for climbing this ladder—who is there to cheer you on or check in to see how your process is going or even to offer you encouragement if you fall? Establish a reward for yourself for each rung of the ladder that you climb.

Meeting our goals is rarely successful if we don’t have a process set up for working toward them—in a way that works with our daily lives.

Are you someone that views the New Year as an opportunity for some fresh starts? What are your goals for this New Year? What might the rungs on your goal ladder look like for you?

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

So far, there have been no responses to any of the blog spots I’ve posted.  I think of a blog as a running dialogue, a back and forth sort of thing.  Maybe this is all just too agreeable, or doesn’t simply doesn’t need a response – kind of like a marital op-ed piece.  Maybe folks are just sort of saying to themselves, “Oh, well, sure, that makes sense.”  End of story.  Nothing more to say.

Let’s see if we can get some sort of a discussion going.  How about this: based on what I see in my work and in most of the churches I’ve been privileged to associate with, I’ll argue there’s a good chance you’re being too nice.  If we’re really honest, I’ll bet you may worry about offending at least a few certain people and, in the process, you may have stopped pursuing being truly ‘good.’

Good and nice aren’t the same thing.  Jesus was always good.  He wasn’t always nice.  As I’m talking about it here, nice is the individual equivalent of the cultural malaise we call ‘politically correct.’  We get so afraid of offering offense that we fail to offer the truth.  It’s milk when we need meat.  It’s neither hot nor cold.  ‘Nice’ can screw up an otherwise meaningful relationship.  It can lead to collaborating with lies, often unintentionally.  Nice frequently fails to stand up when it’s needed most.

So, during this most wonderful time of the year and as a resolution worth pursuing into the New Year to come, stop being so nice.

Whadda ya think?

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I wanted to take a moment to wish those of you who have been faithful blog readers a Merry Christmas. I have thoroughly enjoyed being part of the blogging team this year and have appreciated your thoughts, encouragement and feedback as well! I continue to welcome your ideas and sharing of your personal experiences as we enter into a New Year…

This time of year there are so many moments to take advantage of and memories to create, not to mention multiple parties, people, and treats to enjoy! Along with all of these good things, the holidays can also be a time of experiencing heightened anxiety. I want to pass along some tips that you can practice as you encounter some of the anxiety that tends to creep into the delight of this season.

1. Be aware of how anxiety shows up in you. Your signs of anxiety might be physical (heart beating fast, face getting flushed), emotional (getting weepy or irritable), or cognitive (having thoughts such as “I can’t do this anymore!” or “Get me out of here!”). Knowing how anxiety shows up in you can help you understand how you can take care of yourself.
2. When you feel anxious, accept the anxiety. This might sound strange, but when you recognize and accept the anxiety instead of becoming resistant to it, it will likely begin to decrease.
3. Don’t judge your anxiety. Just because you feel anxious does not mean you are a “bad person” or that you are “weak.” Anxiety is something you experience, it is not who you are.

Breathe normally and slowly. If possible, separate yourself from the situation that you are in for a couple of minutes. Slow down. Tell yourself that anxiety is a normal part of the human experience and that you will be able to function with it. Surprise yourself with how you handle these moments…

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

Hard to believe – it’s almost Christmas!  Holiday cheer, trees and decorations, Christmas parties, gifts… ah, yes, the stress, anxiety, and consternation that goes along with looking for just the right presents for the people we love.

I know I’ve been there.  Back when I was first married, I recall racing through the mall one Christmas eve trying to find anything for my new bride that didn’t have a practical use.  You know, something special, something she might really want… I was looking for a present, something to wrap, but what I really wanted to give her was a gift that would touch her heart.

Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting and a strong advocate for marriage, points out that real ‘giving’ means giving your partner something that he or she wants.  Not what you think they need, not what you think they should want, but something they want that only you can give.  Now, that’s not a present – that’s a gift.

It sounds simple, right?  But if your spouse or kids need you to simply listen, do you tell them what to think or do, give detailed instructions on ‘how to fix it’ or, heaven forbid, preach instead?  If someone in your life needs the gift of time are you available?  Has someone you love earned your trust, but in return still you give doubt, control, anger, or stony silence instead?  Or, what about forgiveness?  Do you offer it freely?

Anyone can give a present, but the people we love want most of all what only we can give – the gift of our hearts.  So this Christmas, while you’re stressing about what to put under the tree, consider what the people you love and care for really want from you, and be as generous as you know how to be.  This, better than almost anything else, reflects the heart of God and the way he loves giving good gifts to us. 

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I’ve had a lot of conversations with people lately about Christmas gifts—how they choose which presents to give, how many presents they give their children, how much they spend (budgeted or not) on Christmas. What is usually associated with these conversations is fatigue and frustration— the themes of stress and feeling overspent—both emotionally and financially—are frequent.

I wonder if it has to be this way—if giving needs to get “bigger and better” every year. I know that the media definitely props up this idea and advertisers grip on pretty tightly to it as well. But, does that mean we have to?

My children attended my neighbor’s 3^rd birthday party today. It was a princess themed party, so there were lots of tiaras and gowns, purples and pinks. At the gift opening, it was clear to see which gift most enamored my neighbor girl —a card that played music. She laughed and laughed each time she opened it with the other little ones gathered around her watching, while the fancy princess gifts sat on a table nearby, not getting much attention. It was amusing, but also thought provoking. Children, especially when very young, can teach us a lot about finding joy in the simple things.

What are we teaching our children when it comes to gifts—both giving and receiving? Are they getting the message that bigger is better, that more and more brings happiness, is “enough” part of their vocabulary? If they don’t learn this from parents and important adults in their lives, I think it will be difficult for them learn it elsewhere.

Helpful resources for creative and intentional giving at Christmas include:

The Hundred Dollar Holiday (http://www.amazon.com/Hundred-Dollar-Holiday-Joyful-Christmas/dp/068485595X )

Eco Friendly, Budget Friendly Giving (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1288970/ecofriendly_budgetfriendly_giftgiving.html )

Simple Christmas (www.simplechristmas.org)

Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season (http://www.amazon.com/Unplug-Christmas-Machine-Complete-Putting/dp/0688109616/ref=bxgy_cc_b_text_a )

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Last night my family got our home ready for Christmas, which is always an experience I look forward to. We put up our Christmas tree, hung up our stockings, and put the decorations on the door. I lit the cinnamon stick scented candle while we had holiday music playing in the background. We ended the evening with hot chocolate and kettle corn. It was a really great evening of family time and feeling connected with each other (and of course in the midst of all that there were the typical baby tantrums and sisterhood rivalry going on as well!!—I am definitely not exempt from these realities of family life). Whether laughing or crying, so many of the experiences of this season involve others who we feel connected to and close with.

While my family was enjoying our evening, I was also thinking about—odd as it may sound--grief. In the class I am teaching this semester, we focused our time today on children and the grief process. Planning for this topic has made me realize again how many children experience this season in such a difficult way, especially if they are grieving the loss of a parent, sibling, grandparent, or other family member.

Do you know of any child that might be having a difficult time this season due to grief? Maybe it’s a first anniversary of a death, past memories that can no longer be repeated, traditions that are missing an important someone. It is so important for children who are experiencing this to feel known—to feel that they can share their feelings and perhaps even honor the person they are missing in some tangible way. A great resource that offers some practical insights and tips that can help you understand what children are going through and how you might be available to them is a blog that is run by a network of bereavement camps called Camp Erin — I encourage you to check it out for yourself or pass it along to someone who might find it helpful.

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

People come into my office all the time in pretty serious emotional trouble.  Often, a part of that trouble has to do with a relationship.  And a part of the relationship issue almost always includes a feeling of being disconnected, alone, hurt, shut out, put down, etc.

These are bad feelings to have in a relationship.  They don’t lead to anything good.  Maybe you can relate, or know someone who can.  If so, you’ve likely wondered how to turn things around.  But what, if anything, can be done to put caring back in the picture once it leaves?

In a culture almost crazy over information management, where information is said to equal power, and where having the right answer, as often as possible and as quickly as possible is thought to be synonymous with success, how much emphasis do most of us place on how to simply listen?

Let’s face it, from our early years in grade school the lesson most of us learned goes something like, “fastest plus first = right and bright.”  Gold stars, anyone?  We value being right, and being right before anyone else, before almost anything else.  So let me ask you: how well do you think you actually just listen to others in your life?

The easiest way to find out is ask the people who talk to you most often.  If you can get an honest answer, you may be surprised.  Anyway, regardless of your current listening grade, one of the single most important things you can do for any of your relationships is learn to be a better listener.  Here’s a simple formula for building a deeper relationship: intimacy requires emotional trust and safety.  Emotional trust and safety occurs almost automatically when we feel heard.  That’s because when we feel heard, we feel understood, and it’s really hard not to begin to trust someone who I think understands me.

So, if you really want to do one of the very best things you can for your relationships, listen up!

Can you hear me?

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

I’ve noticed most of the people that come in to work on a marriage related issue have some things in common.  One of those things is they focus on the stuff that’s gone wrong.  You know, the bad stuff.  “You didn’t cut the grass.”  “You don’t make my breakfast or pack my lunch anymore.”  “We never have sex.”  “You don’t bring me flowers.”  “We don’t do this…  You don’t do that…” On and on it goes.  Negative, negative, negative.

I’m guessing it wasn’t that way when they were dating, and if they can remember back to that time, most people usually agree (though some honest souls admit to always having been glass half empty kind of people).  But what’s with all the Debbie Downer stuff, anyway?  How do we get to be that way?

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: what I once held as my ‘heart’s desire’ for how we’d spend time, raise kids, do careers, spend money, enjoy intimacy, and live our lives in general at some point turns into a list of my ‘marital rights.’  The unconditional love of the covenant that marriage is supposed to be turns into a contract, a grueling exercise of scorekeeping and fault finding. 

As that happens and our disappointments pile up we begin to focus less and less on what we hoped for, and focus instead on what we don’t get or don’t have.  In other words, we begin to focus on the negative stuff.  Be honest - are you focusing on negative stuff?  Do you see your glass half empty?

When I learned to ride a motorcycle, I was taught that “you go where you look.”  The trees may be pretty, but if you wind up staring at them too long, you may find yourself getting a much closer look than you wanted to.  So if you’re marriage is heading in a direction you don’t want to go, and you don’t even know how you got there, maybe your focus is off.  Maybe you need to start saying what you want instead of what you don’t want.  Start focusing on what’s good all around you.  If you’re so inclined, take a look at Phil. 4:6 – 8.  And in the meantime, watch out for those trees!

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

With this holiday approaching next week, I’ve heard the word “gratitude” coming up more frequently around me—in friendships, at work, and believe it or not, on Facebook. I’ve noticed that several ‘friends’ of mine on Facebook are taking a 30 day gratitude challenge—each day of November, noting something that they are thankful for. I think that this can be a helpful exercise—as a general reminder for us when we’re having a bad day, but also as a perspective keeper. Just because the moment might seem difficult, the bigger picture might point to some other truths about our lives and relationships.

I remember reading somewhere a long time ago about something that I now often integrate into my work with clients and also make use of in my own life. Often we think that in order to behave differently, or to make different choices in life, we have to feel different first. For example, if I want to spend more quality time with my child, I need to wait for that warm loving feeling before I can expect myself to pursue time with her. The truth is, attitudes and feelings often follow behaviors (which turns our original assumption inside out!).

If I want to feel warm and loving toward my child, it might take me spending intentional quality time with her in order for those feelings to well up inside of me. Think about how this can apply to a variety of our life situations—our marriages, workplaces, community connections, etc. I think that the gratitude challenge that I see people engaging in supports this idea even more.

What are you thankful for today, this month, or this season? When you think about this, how does it affect your current emotions?

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

In the beginning there was dating, and the dating was good.  There was time, and mystery, and fun, and playfulness.  There was spontaneity, and passion, and desire, and there was talking about things late at night and being with one another at every opportunity.  And the man and the woman didn’t even notice all the things that connected them so closely, nor could they call them by name, but they liked the things… a lot.

Then came the marriage.  And the marriage was good… at first.  The first part of the marriage was good in similar ways to the dating, and the man and the woman didn’t notice when the changes began to occur.  And along with the changes came children, and bills, and careers, and mortgages, and car payments, and other things that began to rob the man and the woman of their time, and also of the mystery, and playfulness, and passion, and spontaneity.  And most of the things that they liked a lot but could not call by name, which connected the man and the woman, began to disappear.  And the man and the woman said… “this is bad.”

If you can relate, if things used to be good and now they often feel bad, then maybe you’ve fallen into the trap that most of us have experienced at one time or another in our married lives.  Maybe you’ve traded in the wonder and joy and passion and sense of connectedness you used to find in your spouse – the things that go along with eros, or erotic love – for something ‘safe, stable, normal, and predictable.’

While ‘safe, stable, normal, and predictable’ make a wonderful box in which to raise kids, make the bills, do careers, and pay a mortgage, those same things can be the antidote to all the stuff that once upon a time helped us feel so close and connected.  We don’t mean it to happen, of course, but it will if we’re not very, very careful.

And if you can relate, you also may be wondering, “can I get it back?  That thing we had, can we get that back?”  The answer is “yes… and no.”  And, not without paying attention to the right things and making those things once again – as they were in the beginning – a priority

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Cold and flu season—it’s here! As I write this, I am keenly aware of the scratch in my throat, wondering if I am going to come down with the same cold that each of my children has had over the past week or so. It is making the rounds in our home and I hope that it will pass over me!

I was listening to a radio program this morning that was discussing the cold and flu season that has descended up us, talking about ways to prevent the catch of these viruses. The two main areas that this program highlighted were adequate sleep and stress management. With these two building blocks of health in place, warding off colds is more likely. The standard sleep recommendation is over seven hours a night…I wonder how many of you can say that this need is being met for you?

And stress management—who knew that this has such an influence on our physical health—not just impacting heart attacks and chronic diseases, but little viruses like seasonal colds? If you think that you could build some skills in managing the stress of your life, believe me, you are not alone. Here are some tips on keeping stress in check:

1. Pick your calming activity—take a good look at yourself and determine what makes you feel calm and collected (deep breathing, reading, journaling, etc) and make sure to practice this activity routinely. If self care is not a part of daily life for you, it needs to be to ensure that you can meet the needs of those around you.
2. Be aware of what you are expecting from yourself, and if it is realistic. None of us are superhuman, but it consistently surprises me how much people expect from themselves. Examine what your day holds and if you are pushing it to the point of becoming frustrated and resentful. This likely signals that you have unrealistic expectations of yourself. 
3. Recognize that asking for help does not mean that you are weak. There are many of us that walk around with this belief…and then we end up stressed out and burned out. Drawing on your support system, delegating tasks if you can, and knowing who you can trust to vent to once in a while is another way of keeping stress in check.

by Grant Porteous, LMSW

Do you have any relationships in your life?  You know, spouse, parents, kids, friends, maybe a co-worker?  If so, let me ask you: does it ever feel like no matter what you do you just can’t seem to do enough to make some of these people happy?  You know – no matter what you do it never seems to be good enough, and the focus always seems to turn to what you did wrong or what you should have done.

If so, you may be dealing with someone who has what I’ve come to think of as a “bottomless bucket.”  You pour everything you’ve got into your relationship with this person, but it never seems to be enough to satisfy them.  If there’s a ‘bottomless bucket’ in your life you know how frustrating, hopeless, and discouraging it can be.  Working endlessly to make someone else happy, yet never being able to get it right, is truly exhausting.  It can suck the life right out of a relationship.  So what to do?

As hard as it may be at first, begin by stop trying to make someone else happy who’s never pleased with you.  It may be you’ve been trying to find your own happiness in others being pleased with what you do for them.  That’s actually a form of selfishness, because it really makes the relationship about you in a subtle, round about way.  In fact, it’s another form of a bottomless bucket!  That’s a trap and a recipe for unhappiness if there ever was one.

To get out of that trap, first ask yourself what you want, not what they want.  Many of us know what we don’t want, but often can’t say what we do want.  Saying what you don’t want usually leaves you stuck.  Saying what you do want gets you moving.  Next, ask yourself what concrete steps you need to take to begin to move from where you are right now to where you want to be.  Get specific.  “I want to be happier” is not specific.  “I will exercise four times weekly for at least 30 minutes” is better.  “I will ride my bike, run on the treadmill, or lift weights at the gym Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday for 45 minutes” is specific.  Finally, as you begin to live a more fulfilling life of your own, be sure to behave toward those in your life with the intention of simply loving them rather than making them happy or hoping they’ll be happy with you.  Believe me, it’s not at all the same thing.  And while they may not appreciate what you’re doing, especially at first, you’ll be on your way toward putting down your bottomless bucket and finally letting them work on theirs.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Have you noticed that Christmas comes earlier and earlier every year? I noticed this over the weekend. I was doing some shopping at my daughters’ favorite craft store and observed the employees, all decked out in their Halloween costumes, assembling Christmas displays. Thanksgiving décor was on sale, even before this holiday has passed! A couple of weeks ago, I was walking into Costco, when one of my children exclaimed, upon seeing lighted trees and reindeer, “Mommy! It’s Christmas—I didn’t even know it was time!”

I have to admit that I’ve been slightly bothered by these experiences—there is so much pressure from culture around us, which includes all the marketing efforts of retailers, to look toward the future and be distracted from the present. Going beyond this holiday phenomena, this reality shows up in other areas too—there is a tendency to feel unsatisfied with what we have and feel pressure to move on to the next thing, whatever that might be.

It’s challenging to fully experience, value, and feel what is going on right now when there is this kind of mentality all around us. Sometimes it is difficult to face the present because of pain or hurt, and so we try to become distracted from it or become occupied in something that keeps us from feeling these hard emotions.

What is it like to experience the present for what it is? I think that there is a lot of opportunity to experience the richness and wealth of relationships, of the seasons—sights, smells, tastes and of opportunities for connection around us when we can just stop…and be fully present in the moment that we are in.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

One of the things that I love about the fall are the family traditions that come with the season—pumpkin carving, hayrides at the apple orchard, trick or treating. In my family, we are also having fun taking after supper bike rides and working outside in the yard on beautiful Saturdays—noticing that these are becoming new traditions.

Lately, in the class I teach at Calvin College, we have been studying families and the importance of building traditions—routines and rituals—in order to strengthen the relationships in the family. Once activity that the students did included brainstorming the traditions that each of them experienced in their families. It was really awesome to see such a variety of ideas and to recognize how each family is so unique, based on who the members are, what the values are, and even what stage of life the family is in. Traditions listed in this activity included everything from Saturday evening pancakes to father/daughter camping trips each summer.

Traditions are often developed around seasons—fall (like I’ve mentioned), winter (think Thanksgiving and Christmas) and summer (vacations) and also around special days (birthdays, anniversaries, etc). What we know about traditions is that they create a sense of meaning and connectedness, even around ordinary days and experiences. When I was growing up, Saturday was always “donut day.” This made Saturday something I always looked forward to (and now, as an adult, I often have cravings for donuts!).

What kinds of traditions do you have in your family? What traditions, rituals, or routines are you trying to begin in your family? How do you see traditions being important to your sense of connectedness with the people in your life that you are close to?

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW MSW

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I attended my daughter’s first soccer game this past weekend—it was, to say the least, highly entertaining to watch this group of four and five year olds play for the first time. Most children on her team have no real concept of the game, but have enrolled this season because they enjoy kicking a ball around or because they have expressed some interest in playing on a team, maybe due to an older sibling’s involvement or watching the game on TV. My husband and I cheered my daughter on with smiles on our faces watching her give us a “thumbs up” and a huge grin each time she touched the ball. She was so proud of herself!

After watching the game, I recognized even more some of the benefits of children being involved in team activities—whether the activity is a sport, a school play, or an orchestra. For children to experience how to accomplish a goal and involve people outside of themselves to do so is such an important life lesson. Being a team player while also working at your own individual expertise is a life skill that they will be able to apply on the job, in their families, and in their communities. While we don’t want to over schedule our children, which can produce anxiety and stress, we do want to give them opportunities to learn these valuable lessons.  My daughter, along with her teammates, is learning not only the physical skills necessary for this game, but the social and emotional skills needed in order to succeed together—and this is something I can cheer for!

Plus, now I know where most families with young children spend their Saturday mornings---I had no idea!

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

When have you felt most understood by another person? What about this experience helped you feel this way? I’m hoping that you’ve experienced this lately because it can be a very valuable quality in our relationships.

In my line of work, I get to spend time with quite a few couples. And so often the focus of our work together turns to the importance of listening. Usually there are complaints in this area—either a partner not feeling heard or understood, or feeling disconnected and unknown by the other. So much of feeling understood and connected in our relationships can begin with working on our own abilities to truly listen to another person. Listening actually requires effort and it’s something that we can develop more with practice.

So many things can get in the way of being able to truly listen to another person—assumptions of the other person, memories, expectations, even distractions in our immediate surroundings! All of these things we call “filters” can get in the way. Sometimes, we are actually listening to our own thoughts more than we are listening to another in conversation.  Maybe we want so badly to fix something for the other person that we lean on giving advice or providing too much reassurance or even, with good intentions, providing an abundance of solutions.

Next time your partner or someone important in your life seeks you out to share something that is on their mind or heart, pay attention to how you are providing this skill of listening. Be aware of what is getting in the way of you really understanding them, their feelings, their experiences. Challenge yourself to put these things aside and to give them what they are seeking—connection and understanding. I wonder how this will benefit your relationships…

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

For those of you who have been thinking of me as I sent my daughter off to kindergarten this week—thank you for your well wishes! The transition has gone well so far for my family—taking each day at a time. I’m wondering more about the transitions that your families have managed this past week; for those of you who have school aged children, but also for those of you whose occupations gear up this time of year. What things have worked well? Which areas need some extra TLC? I’ve enjoyed exploring how families operate with transitions and would love hearing from you!

One thing that has struck me this past week is how important it is to be able to accept support from people around me in times of transition. For me, this means truly relying on others—from our fabulous child care provider and wonderful teachers that care for my children, to families that assist mine with transporting children to and from school. And I’ll add that my system of support even includes some local restaurants that have supplied meals to my family this week when I realized that cooking a meal was just too much to include in the day!

Sometimes it can be difficult to depend on others. Perhaps we have developed the idea that strength equals independence. We don’t want to be weak. We may have learned these ideas from the families in which we grew up, and even from the culture around us. Maybe we’ve been let down in the past and we’ve learned that we can’t consistently count on other people. I challenge you to take a look around you and examine who you depend on. Are you allowing yourself to be an “island”—or are you open to creating and relying on some bridges of support? It can be as enriching and gratifying to receive support as it is to give it, but can require some setting aside of our own patterns and being open to what others have to give.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

With children heading back to school, and families reorienting themselves to this routine, I’ve seen an increase in parents who are sorting through this transition in therapy. Lately, I’ve spent time with women who are preparing for the stress that comes with managing their households during the school year. Increases in anxiety, frustration, stress, along with feeling more overwhelmed that what is normal are common issues for primary caretakers in families this time of year.

We’ve been focusing lately on transitioning children--launching them into the school year successfully--now it’s time for me to share a couple of insights for parents. Here are some tips that will help you begin your fall in a way that leaves you feeling good about yourself.

• Get organized: Having a master family calendar is a helpful way of avoiding over booking and double booking activities, which increases stress levels. Combine children’s school calendars and your family’s social calendar into one that the family can review together.
• Take care of yourself: In order to stay healthy, remember the essentials: enough sleep, adequate exercise and good nutrition. Take a closer look at each of these areas of your life. Is there an area that can use extra attention or improvement? Do you know what the first steps to improvement are? Begin implementing some of these changes as your children head back to school and your calendar changes a bit. Taking care of yourself is the first step in being able to take care of your family well.
• Remember your passions: With an upsurge of commitments, it’s easy to feel like you are operating on autopilot. Remember to ask yourself: what gives me passion and energy? Allow yourself the time and thought to explore this. How might you incorporate some of these things into your day or your week? Accessing joy and allowing yourself to “play” will help replenish the energy that can so easily be absorbed into the daily routine.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

In my household these past several weeks, we have been preparing for the transitions that come with heading back to school. My oldest is heading to kindergarten and my middle is going to preschool for the first time. Both girls are excited and getting ready, from having their school supplies packed in their backpacks to having just received their teacher letters in the mail.

Maybe you were able to see my interview on Maranda’s show this past weekend, where I highlighted a few tips that we’re implementing at my home that I think would be helpful for your family too. I wanted to expand a bit on what I mentioned on Maranda’s show. Here are some suggestions for you and your family, if you are sending off your children this school year.

1. Decide on a routine and practice this several times before the first day of school. Holding one or two actual practice runs, including wake up time, getting dressed, and breakfast, can reveal what the sticky points of getting out the door in the morning might be. If mom and dad are stressed about the logistics, the child will pick this up, so preparation is key!
2. Remember that children communicate through their behavior, so expect a temporary adjustment period as they transition to their new friends, teacher, and daily routine. Keeping outside events to a minimum the first several weeks can be a way decreasing some anxiety and stress that are natural to this process.
3. Remember through the transition to include lots of family time—cuddles, hugs, familiar family traditions or favorite experiences at home. Your child will want to be reassured that even though there are a lot of changes going on around them, they can still depend on you—this builds security and trust.
4. And, finally, remember to have FUN with the rest of the summer! Enjoy what is left and allow your child to engage these opportunities these last couple of weeks. Keeping your own tendency to “overtalk” the transition is important—children live in the moment, so we want to make sure they can enjoy these moments of summertime.

I’ll keep you posted on how these transitions go for my family—feel free to share how heading back to school is going for your family too.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

I receive a lot of questions from parents of middle school and high school age children about ADD/ADHD. Some parents are exploring diagnosis, and some are working on helping their child manage this disorder. Sometimes children are off of their meds for the summer—which should only be pursued with your doctor involved. They are taking a “holiday” from medications—and the result is that families are really seeing the impact that this ADD has--not only on their children but on their family.

As the school year approaches, parents and doctors work together again to determine what will set their child up for success in the classroom—I often meet with parents during this time of strategizing. I am privileged to be a part of these conversations and want to pass along some tips for recognizing ADD/ADHD and also some recommendations for parents of children who have been diagnosed.

Signs and symptoms of ADD/ADHD in children include:

• Difficulty sustaining attention in play activities
• Interrupting often or intruding on others
• Becoming easily distracted by their environment
• Shifting from one uncompleted activity to another
• Marked impulsivity and risk taking, not considering consequences

If you notice that your child consistently shows signs of these behaviors, and has for 6 months or more, you may want to talk with your doctor about testing for this disorder. Diagnosis can be helpful in accessing resources and services that will set your child up for success.

How you can support your child if they have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD:

• Educate yourself and other people that your child is in close contact with about ADD/ADHD—including caretakers, teachers, and family members. This resource is one that can get you started.
• Children with ADD blossom with praise—give positive incentives, feedback, and encouragement. Motivation actually improves ADD in children. If you find yourself resorting to frustration and yelling, recognize that parenting a child with ADD can feel like a battle field-- you might need some space to reenergize yourself.
• Consider the benefit of a school tutor or coach. It can be stressful as a parent to function in this role—it’s very easy to feel like a nag or supervisor if you don’t have this kind of support.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Your colleague says: “You did an okay job with last week’s presentation.”

Your mother in law says: “Your house is clean enough but could use some attention to detail.”

Your partner says: “The meal you made tonight? It was alright.”

You tell yourself: “Parenting—hmmm…why can’t I get it together (seems like everyone else can)?”

Your supervisor says: “Job performance? Yep, you are meeting expectations.”

What do these statements bring out in you? Pride and satisfaction? Or, are you like me and recognize that there are some feelings of disappointment and guilt that, if you heard any of these statements, would be there if you were really being honest with yourself? I think it is safe to say, that striving for mediocrity is not on many people’s list of lifetime goals.

The truth is that there is such a drive in today’s culture to ‘have it all and have it all at once.’ We walk around believing and telling ourselves that we are “less than” if we don’t measure up to this impossible standard—to have everything in order, perfectly, all the time. Some personality styles adhere to this more than others, but I think that it is pretty clear that we are all affected in some way or another by unrealistic expectations…that others have of us or that we have of ourselves.

I challenge you to think about the yardstick that you use for measuring how you are doing in each of your roles. What does it mean to truly be the best version of yourself…as a parent, employee, spouse, friend? Who or what defines this for you? Is there anything that would be helpful to jus let go? If so, what would be your first step?

I think that in many instances, “good enough” is more than just okay. “Good enough” can actually be sustainable and can lay the groundwork for satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

Have you ever experienced a problem that has you end up feeling trapped, like there is no way out? Do you end up stewing, thinking about, and focusing on this struggle from day to day, leaving you feeling even more discouraged? Maybe you feel trapped in your job, experience frustration and misunderstanding in a relationship, or are upset at yourself for gaining some pounds over the past couple of years. Perhaps it’s just that the summer and change in routine has you spinning. Do you feel disorganized, depressed, overwhelmed?

I know how easy it is to focus on these concerns, to experience thoughts and feelings that consistently come back to the struggle you are experiencing. The focus is on the problem…day after day…this in itself can be overwhelming and discouraging.

It can be difficult to experience joy in the midst of these struggles. It can be really tough to know how to begin the process of change…

One place to begin is by turning some of your challenges upside down. What this means is that when you are focusing on your struggle, truly thinking about it and feeling it, turn some of your challenges into questions. For example—if you are feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself “What would it look like for me to not feel overwhelmed? What would be the first thing that would be different if I weren’t feeling overwhelmed? How can I make this happen?”

If you are feeling out of control of your summer with your children at home, ask yourself “What would it look like for me to feel in control? What would be different? How would I know that this change is happening?”

Turning our struggles upside down like this can get us on the road toward solutions—solutions that help us grow through our challenges, even in the midst of them.

by Kristin Kuiper, LMSW, MSW

“Don’t be scared, just jump in!” said the swimming instructor to my 6 year old daughter, who nervously wrung her hands, her lip quivering. Hmmm…these words haven’t quite accomplished the magic that her teacher has hoped for this week. This week has been full of early morning lessons, lots of tears (my daughter’s that is), and lots of hugs. It’s been a different kind of week around my house, to say the least.  

Some types of personalities don’t tend toward taking risks, or just “jumping into the pool”. You probably know if this is you. You like to play it safe, even down to ordering the same tasty entrée off the menu at your favorite restaurant each time you go. There is some genetic contribution to this --so thank your mom and dad! But,  if you are wanting to open yourself up to taking some risks, be encouraged to know that there are some aspects of this that are within your control. Often we create our own barriers to risk taking—letting certain fears or “what if’s” crowd out our desires and goals. We might hold on to our need for security and predictability or hold the belief that change is impossible, when the truth is that change just requires some openness to the unknown and a willingness to stumble along the way.

Many clients I see are working towards taking risks—for example, learning how to say “no” to being overcommitted, attempting to end a destructive relationship, or even making a career change in mid life. This type of work involves small, intentional steps towards these goals. Here are some things to keep in mind as you think about what “jumping into the pool” means in your life.

• Identify what risks you are desiring to take and start small—practice taking smaller risks before you move on to larger risks. Identifying your desires and goals takes time and patience—so be gentle with yourself.
• Evaluate the pros and cons of the risk you desire to take—doing this often reveals that the only thing getting in the way of going for it are fears rather than facts.
• Support—a small circle of close friends and family who know about your efforts can encourage you as well as ensure that the risks you are attempting are healthy and responsible.
• Challenge any fear based thoughts that arise in you when you begin to go for it. These thoughts lead to feelings which can hold us back from continuing something that feels new, even if it is a positive change.