Pine Rest Mission Statement
Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services is called to express the healing
ministry of Jesus Christ by providing behavioral health services with
professional excellence, Christian integrity and compassion.
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How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette)
By Brent Ellens, Psy.D. and Emily Ellens, M.A, L.L.P.
Have you ever walked away from an interaction with someone you may have
only just met and said to yourself, "What a jerk!" One of
the unfortunate facts of life is that we all find ourselves interacting
from time to time with people we consider to be jerks. Sometimes we just
can’t avoid them, because we don’t really know where or who
they are, but some unfortunate souls find themselves actually getting
into relationships with people who turn out to be jerks, and these relationships
can be very difficult and destructive. The last thing you want to do
is marry someone who is truly a jerk.
Keep in mind that jerks can be
male or female ("jerkettes" if
you will). What makes a person a "jerk" or a "jerkette?" Dr.
John VanEpp, creator of the "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" Program,
says that people fitting this label have 3 basic hallmarks: 1) little
insight into themselves and how others perceive them, 2) poor emotional
controls, and 3) inadequate relationship skills. A key to the definition
is that "jerks" must exhibit this behavior consistently over
time. This is different than acting like a jerk once in a while, which
is something everyone is capable of from time to time. When trying to
assess if someone is a "jerk" or not, one needs to look for
repeating patterns of behavior.
Often in relationships, people can become too attached, too quickly.
You might be excited about the possibilities, feel carried away by emotions,
and so on. When this happens, it is difficult to utilize both your head
and heart to make informed decisions about potential partners. It is
easy to overlook things that should raise red flags, or to neglect even
looking for the flags to begin with.
Time is a very important when developing a relationship. Generally, the
more time you have known a person, the better. It takes at least three
months, and often more, for patterns of behavior to emerge in the other
person. Furthermore, studies have shown that those who date at least
two years before they marry have half the divorce rate of those who marry
after dating less than two years.
Dr. VanEpp created the Relationship Attachment Model (R.A.M.) to help
conceptualize developing relationships. It is designed to allow the head
and the heart to work together—to create a bond with another person
without becoming too attached too soon. The five bonding dynamics he
outlines are Knowledge, Trust, Reliance, Commitment, and Sexual Touch.
The idea is that these bonding dynamics remain in this precise order,
and the level of each should not exceed the level of the one before it.
Therefore, you should be careful to Know a person more than you Trust
that person, Trust more than you Rely, Rely more than you are Committed,
and be Committed more than you are involved in Sexual Touch. If these
dynamics are out of balance or one emerges too quickly in a relationship,
it is considered to be unstable and the possibility for harm increases
dramatically.
This idea may be considered radical or old-fashioned by some and perhaps
impossible by others. Some may wonder if this takes all the romance out
of a relationship. Others may fear that there remains opportunity for
getting hurt no matter how carefully they go about relationship development.
While all relationships require risk in order to grow, there are ways
to decrease the amount of risk we face when entering into those relationships.
Keeping your eyes open to the reality of who the other person truly is,
not your fantasy or idealized image of that person is essential. How
can you do this? For starters, you can ask the person about themselves,
previous relationships, and their family, and you can observe the other
person in action in a variety of settings and with different people.
Relationships are and will remain complicated. Nevertheless, the benefits
of a healthy relationship can far exceed the risks, especially when you
do your best to allow the least amount of risk you can. There is no guarantee
that you won't marry a "jerk" or "jerkette," but
by putting into practice some of the principles mentioned above, and
by being brutally honest with yourself about what you need and want in
a relationship, and about what is best for you in a relationship (which
is not always the same as what you might seem to want), you can reduce
the risk of getting overly involved with someone who will end up hurting
you, and increase the odds of finding someone to be a loving, rewarding,
and fulfilling partner. To put it simply, you can follow your heart without
losing your head.
Brent Ellens and Emily Ellens work at the Pine Rest Wyoming clinic. In addition to individual counseling, they offer a workshop on "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk(ette)".
by Philip Fox, M.D., Pine Rest ECT Clinic
Anxiety is a healthy feeling that warns us there is danger. Anxiety
that is aroused by a realistic danger then goes away after the danger
has passed is normal. It becomes unhealthy when it does not go away after
the danger has passed, becomes so time consuming it interferes with daily
functioning, causes unrealistic fear, or causes a physical condition
to develop.
What Causes Anxiety?
Anxiety can be caused by any situation perceived as dangerous to the person
or those around the person. The danger can be actual or anticipated. When a
person responds to a situation that causes anxiety.
Signs or Symptoms of Anxiety
Anxiety is often accompanied by physical sensations such as sweating, accelerated
heart rate, hyper alertness, and tremors. There are many anxiety disorders.
The most common and disabling are panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder,
obsessive compulsive disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder.
Treatment Options
Since anxiety is also a symptom of many other psychiatric disorders, an extensive
assessment is essential in determining if a person is experiencing an anxiety
disorder or some other behavioral health concern. Medication may be used initially
to reduce the anxiety so the source can be identified. Talk therapy is an important
part of treatment for all anxiety disorders. Talk therapy helps identify the
feelings underlying the anxiety. It also helps a person change specific thoughts
that go through his or her mind and the actual actions that reinforce his or
her symptoms.
Information source: Pine Rest TODAY Magazine, "Anxiety Disorders: Riding the Storm Out".
Classes and Workshops
April 6
Overcoming Anxiety And Stress
This 10 week class for women is designed to teach skills necessary to
cope with or eliminate any of the anxiety disorders. Skills learned will
target panic attacks, social and other phobias, generalized anxiety, post
traumatic stress, and obsessive compulsive disorder. After a brief orientation
to the various disorders and possible causes, new relaxation and other skills
will be taught, and practiced during and after class as homework. Each subsequent
class will review homework with students’ sharing successes and roadblocks
to be cleared. The mutual support and understanding offered by the facilitator
and sister students is an enjoyable, and at times, hilarious way to defeat
the anxiety and everyday stress that hinder living life to its fullest.
The
classes will begin April 6, 2006, from 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. at the Holland
Clinic, 926 South Washington, Suite 210, Holland, MI.
For
more information click here.
General Events
April 6
National Alcohol Screening Day
Between 2001 and 2002, 17.6
million adult Americans met diagnostic criteria for alcohol dependence
or abuse. Alcohol screening can help decrease
this statistics. National Alcohol Screening Day (NASD) is an outreach
program that educates and alerts communities about alcohol’s effect
on health and treatments. In 2005, NASD screened over 128,000 people
across the
country. Pine Rest is hosting NASD on Thursday, April 6. Confidential
screenings will be provided at five outpatient locations and are free
to the public.
For more information click here.
April 26, 2006
Pastor’s Conference: 'Aging in Faith: Dementia & Worship'
Dr.
Glenn Weaver, Professor of Psychology at Calvin College and an ordained minister,
will be the featured speaker. The lecture and discussion are from
9:30-11:30 a.m., with check-in and refreshments at 9:00 a.m. The conference
will be held at Calvin College, Prince Conference Center, 1800 East Beltline
in Grand Rapids. Cost is $10 per person and pre-registration is required.
To register, e-mail conference@pinerest.org or contact Brenda Larson
at (616)222-4500.
Family Institute Lectures
May 3
FOCCUS Certification Training
Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids (HMGR), in conjunction with Pine Rest
Family Institute and the Diocese of Grand Rapids, will co-sponsor FOCCUS
certification training, facilitated by Tom Schulte, on May 3, from 9 a.m.
to 3 p.m. at St. Henry Spirituality Center, 660 Burton SE.
For more information click here.
Professional Lecture Series
April 26, 2006
Neurobiology and Medication Management of Addiction
Lance Longo, M.D., will
be the featured speaker. The lecture will take place from 9 a.m. until 12:15
p.m. in the Mulder Center Gym on Pine Rest’s
main campus, 300 68th Street SE, in Cutlerville. Dr. Longo will highlight
the biological, psychological, and social features which underlie alcohol
and other drug addictions. He also will discuss genetic vulnerability,
brain reward pathways, and neurobehavioral models of addiction. Particular
emphasis
will be on the development of new medications which may reduce cravings
and help to prevent relapse to alcohol or other drug dependence.
For more information click here.
Support Groups
For a list of upcoming support groups, click here.
Pine Rest Services
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Disclaimer
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Copyright © 2006, Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services. All rights reserved. The contents of Mental Health News & Information are for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It cannot and should not be used as a basis for diagnosis or choice of treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. |  |